Looking for Me

Six Days

2008-08-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

...Until I start my 'career' as a full time grad student. I cannot believe that I am going back to school?? haha. It's so bizarre. Honestly, I dont think i'll believe it until I am sitting in class... and probably not for a few weeks after that, even.

Flying, Vacation, Anxiety (Mixed Up)

2008-08-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Whats with the post-vacation blues?

I suppose that it's all because you take a holiday from reality; your real life, worries and anxieties are sort of put on hold for a while. And you can float. What a magnificent feeling that is. Floating.

Flying. When I fly, I look out the window and I look over the wing, the massive wings... that suspend you 6 or 7 miles above the earth. Can you imagine what that really means or looks like in the grand scheme of the entire world? Incredible. Maybe thats why I love flying so much. When you are there in the air, there is a distance and a peace that is unattainable anywhere else. No one can call you or bother you. You just look out the window and hurtle over millions of people. You just go.

I am tired of worrying. Worrying is what always makes me tired.... you see, anxiety is very taxing. And when you are put back into it (your real life), you are sent running back to that very spot and moment that you wanted to escape before you left on vacation.

Maybe I like holidays too much. Or maybe I fear reality, so I constantly look for vacations. Is that abnormal? Is it too much to ask?.... probably, yes.

My anxiety lately has to do with going back to school. Is this the right decision? Is this the right program/career path for me? Sometimes I felt like I pushed myself too hard to 'want' this- which is a little alarming. But maybe I needed to push myself. I guess I'm gonna go and see what its about. No one will force me to continue if I come to a realization that its just not for me. Sadly thats what it comes down to. But thankfully I'm in a position where it wont be the end of the world if thats what happens.

Its ok, I tell myself. Explore and see where this takes you. Stop being afraid to make mistakes... stop being afraid, I tell myself.

To My Beirut

2008-08-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from a trip abroad. I went to Italy, London, and of course... Beirut.

I miss it more than I can describe.

We have a house in Lebanon. It's high up on the side of a mountain, and from it there is the most beautiful view one can imagine. You can see all of the northern suburbs of Beirut- Jounieh, Dbayeh, Ghazir. And way off into the distance, you can see the lights of Beirut, jutting out into the Mediterranean. From inside my house, we have sliding glass doors that lead out onto large balconies. But if you are in the right place inside... you look outside, and it seems like you are floating above everything.

I could stand there for hours. Maybe forever, and watch the cars move up and down the coast. I could watch, as the sun rises over the mountainside, and sets on the sea. here is a view of it at night:

As you can see, the view is quite stunning.

But it is not just this view that I miss. I miss the anonymity, the feeling of blending in with people who look like me. Olive skin, black hair... I miss the food, which I love so much and which stirs in me, emotions of my childhood, my youth, my heritage and my blood. I miss the Arabic music, and the amazing energy that is there. Its a different energy. I miss the resilient people, who have worry and happiness etched into their faces all the time. They have so much to worry about; living in a nation without stability or a clear future. But they live. They dance, they celebrate, and they say, "ma leysh" (its okay) and continue on with their lives.

There are fireworks every day in Lebanon. I can see them from our balcony. There are pristine beaches in the south, where the sun shines all the time. There is the corniche, which is lined with palm trees, walkers, runners, students, Lebanese, Saudis, Americans, and everything between.

The smell of the falafel and shawarma shops wafting in the air. The noise of the constant traffic that rumbles through Beirut without end. The constant boom boom boom of the bass at some of the world's hottest and most exclusive clubs. Rolls Royces and Lamborghinis parked right next to taxis that are painted four different colors.

Coming back from a vacation like the one I had - with my best friend with me - is like being thrown into an ice bath. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, sort of. And as I flew westward, I felt the stress and worry trickle back towards me. First as I was pulled away from the mountains and beaches of Lebanon. And then as we crossed the Atlantic ocean into the Americas.... and now I sit here, worrying about this and that. Wishing to board the next plane that hops the Ocean. Make it Paris, make it London or Munich. But after that make it Beirut......

But still, I'll miss the feeling of floating...from my house on the mountainside.

Lost! Part II

2008-08-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

So, the reason why this song is so fitting for my current mood is because I actually do feel lost.

I've made many important decisions in my life, in the past few months. And yet I feel a sense of foreboding... like I maybe made the wrong decision. But I dont know. This feeling is mostly regarding my decision to pursue a Doctoral degree in clinical psychology. I think it's what I want, but I am afraid it might not be. And that is my constant mood lately- afraid. And I realize, I am always afraid, and always have been motivated by fear.

I've been really anxious lately. For many reasons... and it has perhaps affected my health- as I've been dealing with some bizarre physical symptoms that have not yet been found to have any clinical origins. (There is yet some testing to do). If this continues to be the case, the conclusion will be that my anxiety is finding an outlet by causing these various symptoms... yay for hypochindriasis. Just pray/hope with me that I don't have some awful disease. I'm not even 25, and I'd like to at least have my 20's (and hopefully the rest of my life- which should be long and prosperous ;) )in good health.

My question, to anyone who reads this and to anyone who might have some insight to my fears... is: how do you know when you are making the right decision? How normal is it to have doubts when choosing a career or path of education? Does it really matter? What happens if you make a mistake? Ok. So that was more than one question.

"What happens if you make a mistake?" That's a question that someone who is paranoid about making mistakes asks. I guess I have made mistakes in the past, but never big ones, really. I've lived a life of fear and anxiety since I can remember. Maybe its perfectly normal that I feel afraid since I am actually taking a leap of faith and deciding to TRY this program out. That in and of itself is not something I would see myself doing. At least its a great program (one of the best in the country). I am lucky that if I choose to discontinue the pursuit of this degree, it will not cause me a huge issue. It will be but wasted time. And that sucks, but at least I wouldn't be in the red from it. I really want to complete this degree- that is my goal- but I am afraid that I'll get into it and decide, 'you know what, this just isnt for me'. And then what? Back into the deep abyss....

I think its interesting that I choose a career path- clinical psychology- when I still have so many issues of my own to sort out. I FEEL like I should be perfectly balanced, perfectly stable, and perfectly perfect in order to take on other people's problems and to help them. To analyze and understand them. To be an 'example' perhaps. But perhaps not... that's not really what being a psychologist is about. But I guess it feels like it is, or that it could be.

Maybe its a perfect career choice. Look at me, look at how analytical I am. I sometimes think to myself- either this choice is going to fix you or break you. But maybe its less black and white than that. Lord, it better be... black and white thinking. Its one of the worst things that one can do to oneself.

No, I tell myself now. The world is still grey and foggy. And I am still lost.

Lost!

2008-08-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am stewing on the meaning of a song that I've grown to like very much. It's called "Lost!" by Coldplay. As usual, their songs are emotional and beautiful to listen to. Here are the lyrics:

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

To all. :)

Ew

2007-12-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

I feel nauseated. And I dont know why. Perhaps it was all of those sugar cookies that I ate today....

Where I am...Where I might be...

2007-12-17T14:33:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I've been reasonably happy these past few months. It was odd too- because my happiness and content was punctuated relatively briefly with a period of unhappiness and uncertainty regarding my 'future'. This is sort of the only cloud on my horizon now, as well. In this I do not refer to what will happen after I die... (haha), but what I am going to do with the next portion of my life. So how do we explain...

I've graduated college and for the past year gotten a job at a psychiatric hospital near where I live. It was hard work, stressful to the max, and there was nary a day that I didnt fear for my life. I worked with 'at-risk' adolescents with severe behavioral and psychological problems.... then... I applied to many grad schools.... for a mix of Masters and Doctoral programs in Psychology.... I got into all of them... Columbia, NYU and more.... top schools.... and as smart as I apparently am?? (I really did not expect to get into those schools) and as much potential as these universities think I have... I freaked out and didnt accept admission to any of them. I decided to work more at the hospital and reapply to doctoral programs only this time around (for fall 2008 admission)...

Looking back, I cannot say whether or not this was a good decision. I was held back by the fear that I would be committing a lot of time and money to a graduate school education...and its not something to just jump into without a lot of thought. And here I am... application time AGAIN. And that fear is back. The "what if I hate it" fear.... the thing is... I really like psychology. I would be good at it, and I'd help people deal with and hopefully conquer their issues- which truly is a rewarding job. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier going into other professions.... following one of my dozens of passions.

Life is fickle like that...you cant DO everything right away. Let it be said that I am quite privileged, and I wont have to worry about how I am paying for all this... ie- grad school. And I recognize and appreciate that privilege for the blessing that it truly is.......

But I want to be a Psychologist and a Pilot and a World Class Clothing Designer and a Fashion Photographer a Runway Model and a Family Law Attorney and a Painter and an Author. And yet I have to jump back into my skin, and choose just one. Psychology would be continuing my path. My safe path. Right now its the path that I am choosing- I am sort of going with the "I have to try it and see if I like it or not...." mentality. I guess that I must try it to see...so I know whether its for me or not. I am tired of feeling my way around in the dark....anyway, Any of the others would require even more time to 'reset' and 'relearn' so much that I did not learn in college...and they too require me to delve into the unknown- perhaps moreso. So why not go with what I know- and at least try it? Sometimes you have to just jump. Right?

I find it funny that people don't have this problem with great frequency. Though, I've learned that a lot of people are either A. less passionate about less things, B. more easily satisfied than I am, or C. dont see the world as a constantly changing field of what-ifs, maybes etc. In the end.... think I am spoiled or have too high expectations, probably, and just need to deal with the fact that I cant have everything. And I think that that sucks. But I also need to understand that life will not be ruined if I do not achieve every single thing I have listed above. I will be fine, and I can be happy.

You know, I even for the first time went and saw a therapist about all this. (Ironic that I didnt see a shrink when I was clinically depressed and wanted to throw myself in front of a bus...that whole gay-mormon thing is a doozy, it really is.) I thought that since I was overall happier than I have ever been- that I would be able to sort through my problems with a clearer mind. It turns out that I paid this lady 150 dollars an hour for me to talk to myself. No offense to you, Dr. so-and-so, but you did not help me. I actually vowed, after my second and final session to be a MUCH better psychologist than you were. At least you could have acted interested in what I had to say. Maybe interest is shown at 200 dollars an hour. haha.

In any event. After 300 dollars went down the drain, I realized that I really didnt have much to say to her. I felt like I didnt need her. My problems are apparently not serious enough- and my feedback was not good enough to warrant me continuing seeing her. So I'll save the money... a few sessions equals an entire wardrobe. lol. And as the designer-wanna-be that I am... clothes make me happy.

So whats it for me?

A Private Therapy Practice?
Captain of an American Airlines Boeing 757?
The next Tom Ford?
The Next Evandro Soldati (look him up, its worth it)?

I'll tally up your votes...... ;)

I wonder if anyone still reads this...

2007-08-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

Well hello everyone. Its been almost a year since I last posted on my blog. Many reasons for this... but mostly because I had used to as a venting place for my then negative feelings and questions.

I am sure that most of you will be happy to know that I am in a much, much, much better place in life than I was a year ago. A year ago I was still struggling, still unhappy with who I was. Since then, I've really come much more into my own. I have made many realizations and let go of many fears that I have. What was the use of me dragging myself down with a repeated cycle of questions that seemed to go unanswered, that seemed to hold me back. Once I let go of those fears, so many things changed. All of my friends have noticed a positive change in me. They say I am more relaxed, more carefree, less 'blah'. Apparently I look happier and better than ever before... and I feel that way. I remember so often the issue of 'gayness' ...the whole issue, the religion, the life, the family, the future.... would swirl around in my head like this huge hurricane...

Now I'm not sure exactly what caused the change...but perhaps it was just time, perhaps it was meeting inspirational people like GayMormon, who helped me at the very least start to feel comfortable in my new skin. I made more gay friends and started hanging out with their friends, going out to gay bars/clubs. And at first that was really hard for me, because I felt like everyone was watching me, or that I didn't fit in because I didnt really drink. Now at bars and clubs I'm totally comfortable and I act like my stupid/silly self. I tend to bring my group of girls with me to keep the dirty boys (heehee) away from me, but I still have so much fun. I'm still shy when it comes time to meet new people, but improving slowly.

I think in my last post I talked about meeting a guy to kiss or something... haha, I finally found one... we met online technically, but one day we recognized each other at a bar in DC. We later exchanged emails and arranged to meet up... we went on a few dates, and he was a really nice sweet guy. Truth be told, he was a little quiet for me and I felt like I had to force the conversation along. In any event, I wanted to see where it would go...and after a few dates we ended up in his apartment. haha. You know what that means... remember that the embarassing secret of my life was that I had never ever kissed anyone until that day...and sadly I dont remember exactly when it was. Sometime in mid january 2007. He had had a couple of drinks earlier on in the night, but I wouldnt say he was drunk by any means. Anyways...we were watching TV and before I knew it I was making out with him. haha, it was very much an attack on me, and I was soooooo not ready. All I can say was that there was WAY too much tongue and I was totally overwhelmed. In my head all i heard was "shit, shit, shit, shit! Ok...what the hell?".... After a minute or two I got the hang of it. In actuality it turns out that I am the good kisser and he was the bad one...(other experiences have confirmed this). At least now that little box in the 'things to do before you die' has now been checked off. haha. So I've gone from never been kissed, to kissed. It was fun, but totally different from what I experienced. And regarding that boy...we continue to be friends, though the dating ended very soon after that.

So there you have it. I can breathe again.

I'm Ok, and In Search of a Prince

2006-11-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

Well I thought I'd update this thing to see if anyone still checks up once in a while! Probably not because I am so inactive with it. In reality I guess I could use thing thing as more than a gay-mormon-in-struggle journal....

The thing is, I dont know how much I'm struggling with it these days. And I am not sure how Mormon I really consider myself. I feel a lot better about it all. The depression has, for now, lifted, and I wake up normal. I am not elated all day long. I am not depressed all day long. I am normal, I'm happy when I should be, and sad when I should be.

Having been through what I have, I really am so much more appreciative of the GOOD times. I used to long for times when I'd just feel 'ok'. And here I am. I am okay. I am OK! Which in reality is more than ok. Once you've felt morbidly (clinically) depressed for months and months on end- and then you switch back to feeling normal, the difference is simply huge. And now I can appreciate normalcy. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.

I am not sure why or how I have made this transition. I guess a combination of logic, time, and a little faith that God is better than what I was taught. That he loves me for me, and that it is indeed okay for me to live the way he made me. My life does not have to be one of misery and loneliness in order for me to avoid eternal damnation..... in fact, I dont think I have to suffer and play by someone elses rules in order to be happy. Sadly I've found that I'm most sad when I do that. I guess its time to try out another approach to life- which is called being as moral and upstanding as I can be, in all areas of life.

Over the past months I've gotten a job and have started the application process for graduate schools. I'll continue my original course of study- in Psychology, Counseling or Clinical Psychology...or social work (whew, 11 different programs in the works for me!).

As far as boys go... I've yet to find any to kiss just yet. One is interested in me, but I'm not sure if i'm interested in him- even though he is a great guy and hilarious. Attractive too. But you know...sometimes the chemistry just isnt there! So strange. I never had this problem with girls... I love girls. ;) When I kiss prince I'll let you guys know. Soon.

Its been a while...

2006-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Where have I been this past month and a half!?

Well, I've been doing a lot better lately. I've made a fair amount of progress in this whole thing. I'm not sure what I attribute it to... but it has just sort of happened.

I am not sure what I do and dont believe. But I am over feeling like Mormons are the only true church... In fact I always felt that whole sentiment was somewhat nonsensical. (ever since I was small...) But now if I apply that to my life, I can feel more comfortable with going forward, and not being afraid of being and living as a gay man.

I am less afraid. I am more confident. I don't really think its some horrible thing anymore. It is what it is. Why should I live my life in constant fear of going to hell? Why should I buy into the argument that this is some temporary thing, and that in the afterlife i'll be 'perfected' and become straight? That doesnt make sense to me, at all. Moreover, I simply dont agree with that idea. Gay is gay. Straight is straight. Heaven is heaven. If there is one thing I strongly believe in, its diversity. People, life, the afterlife, should NOT be all the same. We should be different. And I find beauty in our differences. I believe and hope that God finds beauty in our differences and creates diversity so we can find beauty, happiness and life in it. That includes gay people. I'd die another death (after I die the first time...haha) of boredom if "heaven" is the way its described in Mormon doctrines. I want the peace and happiness that they describe. But who says they have a copyright to that?

My views on life, on afterlife are much more open, much more fluid and less set in the words of books and prophets of old. These, to me, are mostly good examples of what people should strive to be. But I dont think that only one set of people have it 100% right. But look at Gandhi, look at, Mother Teresa, look at Princess Diana... Gandhi for one did not practice western religion. Do I believe that he will choose mormonism in the afterlife, or that he should have to? No, I do not believe that. I see truth and beauty in all people, as they were, as they are, and as they will always be.

Maybe I am trying too hard to be optimistic. Perhaps the church is right. But I dont think they are, and I hope they're not. And by gosh, I am gonna try to make my life work and make me happy, no matter what anyone says. There is no guarantee, no matter what experiences we believe we have, that we wont die and that will be it. We have to try our hardest to make the most of our lives, be good people, and leave behind us a good history of how we treat each other. That's what I know, and that's what I believe matters.

Relax

2006-08-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was freaking out just a TAD in the last post. I was literally having a meltdown. Its been a few hours since then...and I am feeling better. Sane, at least. I use this blog as a catharsis sometimes. I was very very angry, and I just had to get it out of my head somehow. As you can see...it didnt make much sense...and it was just a stream of consciousness style. Anyway. Hopefully I will not have to write one of those for a very long time.

Enough is Enough...

2006-08-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......

I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.

I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.

Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.

Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.

I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.

I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.

Tired.

2006-08-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

I dont remember the last time I felt awake and really good during the day. I always feel tired. Last night I had a great night out...and I wasnt tired when I was dancing my butt off during the night. Maybe i'm just unfit. I am very thin...but that doesnt mean I am in good shape. Maybe I'm just sad all the time and I just dont feel it anymore like I used to. Maybe its a mix of the two.

I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.

I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.

A Poem

2006-08-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

I cried for my life,
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.

How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.

I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.

I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.

I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.

I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.

And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.

And I laughed because it is funny.

The 99 Names of God

2006-08-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

In Islam, they have a tradition of learning and knowing the 99 names of God that are in the Quran. I think it is a beautiful tradition, and I think the names and the meanings of the names are beautiful as well.

The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:

Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless

Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.

Now what?

2006-08-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

I was away for three weeks...on vacation. I visited three countries, two in Europe and one in the Middle East. I went with my family, and we really had a great time.... I could tell more, but unfortunately I cant give a lot more info than that.......well, here's a couple of pictures that I took of some of the places I went:

Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)

Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.

Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.

As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature

As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.

So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.

Other Side of The World

2006-07-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Here are the lyrics to a song that I really like, by KT Tunstall.... nice words.

"Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away"

Marriage of Convenience

2006-06-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

I found this article about Gay / Lesbian Muslims who decide to get married simply because of familial and societal pressure to conform. Actually, they specifically look for spouses of the opposite sex that are also gay / lesbian. This way no one would be left out in the cold in terms of sexual satisfaction- since neither would want to sleep with the other.... the point would be to remain friends.

I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.

I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...

Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.

At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........

Travels

2006-06-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I said I'd be back with details on my trip to the west coast. It was so much fun! I toured the city that I went to, and saw all of the many beautiful sites that are there to see. I did a lot of biking, walking and a little shopping. Small amounts of shopping is very UNlike me ;) I was able to secure free hotel because I stayed there while my sister's company paid for the room b/c she was there on business. Killed two birds with one stone! (however, the hotel was nothing special, and the location was in a less than savory neighborhood).

I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.

We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.

All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.

Summer Travels... etc.

2006-06-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've posted. Two weeks to be exact. In the meantime, I've gone to the west coast and back. Had a great time! More on that later...

I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)

So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?

The options are endless and its killing me!

This is not my life...

2006-06-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.

And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.

I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.

You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.

Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.

And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.

But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!

Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:

"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"

In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.

My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....

To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.

Psycho....

2006-05-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Remember my posts a while back about a friend of mine who I was having serious friendship issues with and who I was debating on telling her if I was gay because I thought it would hurt her too much?

Well. She knows. She sent me an e-mail after we graduated saying that she thinks its true that I have feelings for men. After spending a night in convulsions (shaking violently) from shock- after I read her e-mail, I knew I had to simply tell her. I tried to keep it short, to the point and on topic. My letter was 2 pages long.

She replied with a six page single spaced letter which I feel was more or less a guilt trip about how it was a mistake for me not to tell her about my sexuality. I never let her in, she couldnt be around or else I wouldnt be myself. OBVIOUSLY I CANT BE MYSELF WHEN SHE TELLS ME SHE 'LOVES' ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. AND IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE A FRIEND-LOVE. It ALWAYS felt like more than that. And it freaked me out. Who would feel comfortable around that all the time if they didnt have the same feelings? I hated hanging around her because I felt like her boyfriend, and inside it felt so wrong and twisted and messed up. She beamed when I was around and I did my best to smile and act happy.

I've been stewing over this letter. She wants back in my life, but honestly letting her back in -given a LONG LONG and dramatic history- is not really what I want to do. I could be friends with big limits. I dont know how I can open up to her again after I tried for over a year to make her open up to me- and she didnt. After that, I built up my own wall. Why should it come down? Because we were best friends 2 1/2 years ago? I feel like thats over and past, and she will not change, even though she said she didnt care I am gay etc. I feel like I need to run.... I just cant handle the drama, the need for attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to break her heart again. But sometimes I feel like I just want out. I wish I were more selfish and that I didnt care as much as I do... that way I would have gotten out long ago. How do you know when to draw the line and say enough is enough?

Graduation

2006-05-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today I graduated from college. The ceremony itself was nice, somewhat memorable which was good. I sat next to two good friends- S.M. & J.C. who I took many classes with over my years in college. Having my name called was such a blur. I remember a flash of light from the photographer, handing my name-card to the lady announcing the names, shaking a couple of peoples' hands, and receiving a nice pen. My family being as impatient as they are left the building right after they called my name. Maybe thats because all my other older siblings have done this before. Nothing too new.... haha.

4 years....gone by in a relative blink. Sometimes I think that its been a long time- sometimes it feels long. But it does feel like yesterday that I was just a puny freshman moving into my dorm. I've made amazing friends-plenty of them- and they are all great amazing people. I've had so much fun with them over the past few years. I am sort of lost without the idea that I will return back to my school in the fall. You sort of come into routines and start thinking you will go back every year. Unfortunately thats not the case for me. Time for some changes, new school apps, new decisions.

I've learned a lot in college. About psychology, journalism, art, and most of all, I've learned a lot about myself and of life. Yet the learning never ends. My grandma told me that this is just the beginning- there is so much more to learn. And I know she is right. I've been very blessed to have been able to learn all the things I've learned.

I've dealt with some big issues in life, and I continue (obviously) to deal with such issues...friends, family, school, jobs, sexuality. The illusion that I have of others is that since most others dont struggle with sexuality, they dont struggle at all. Or at least all of the struggles they do face are somewhat normal in relation to religion and society. But I know that's an illusion that I have- my way of telling myself that my problems are harder and worse than everyone elses. Perhaps thats a bad way to go about life; but sometimes it just tends to go that way.

Today during a dinner party celebration for my graduation, I took a small break from the crown and came here to my room to just breathe. I wound up crying a bit, thinking about the uncertainty, the confusion, and the sadness yet happiness of this milestone in my life. It should be a happy day, but its hard to be happy with so much swirling around in my head. I got several very nice gifts. From my relatives and I am very thankful for them. My mom wrote a little song & all of them performed it to Abba's 'waterloo' and danced around in our family room. That was great.

College, I am pretty speechless. It was a blur. Very blurry. But I know the good outweighed the bad by far. And thats what matters. I'll rememeber all of the late nights, the dancing, the laughing, the crying. The ungodly amounts of reading and studying. The papers, the roommates, the messes, the drama and the city. I'll cherish it all, because it was great. I'd make a few changes if I could do things over again, but nothing drastic just a thing here and there. So here I am, 4 years later, a graduate. You spend four years trying to pursue knowledge and truth. I am afraid to admit that I have not found 100 percent of either. No one has though. ;) Also note my imperfect use of commas.... I am too tired to care to use them :)

Wee! I Graduated :)

Epiphany...sort of.

2006-05-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

Its been a little while since I last posted. I guess nothing eventful has really happened in the past week. I feel the usual mix of angst. However, as it was the last full weekend I had in college, me and my friends made the best of it and we've gone out two nights in a row. I stayed out late, and danced the night away at two clubs.

And it hit me, while I was dancing like a maniac with my best friends right in front of me, sweat dripping down my face, with some fantastic house music pulsating through the air... that I need to savor these small moments in life. They are small, they last just a few short minutes. But in these moments a small miracle happens. My worries go away, my fears dont exist. All that exists is me and my friends, my sweat and the music. I smile a real smile and its perfect, everything is fine, nothing else matters. I am okay- something I dont feel enough. I used to be unable to detach myself from the negative feelings that I always feel. But now I was able to forget them. I was able to live in the moment, even if it was for 3 minutes. And it felt great.

Obviously I am not the type to just forget about the future- I dont know if I'll ever be able to feel secure about my future- at least in the relatively near future. Right now I am worrying about many, many things- as usual. But I wont go into that. I'll leave on a more positive note, which is simply that for once- I felt great.

Gay Party

2006-05-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well.... my friend came back from italy, and his BF had a big party for him (although he told me he barely knew most of the people who were there...maybe more of an excuse to drink on Cinco De Mayo...lol). So I was invited to this party- fulllll of gay guys. there were tons, a few dozen in a small apartment; which made things nice and ...cozy. haha.

On the way there I was sooo nervous, not only to see my friend, but to be in an evironment where its more or less assumed that any guy there is gay. I had interesting fears/expectations; like that I would have my ass grabbed by drunk gay men, or that I'd get hit on and that I wouldnt know how to react or talk to anyone. Its stereotypical things like that, which I shouldnt have worried about, but I guess you cant help it when youre very new to the 'scene'. None of those things happened, as I found myself staying away from the main crowd, and its hard to socialize with tons of people who you've never met- all while not drinking. lol. Lots of cute guys though. I shouldnt have been so nervous, because under any other circumstance or situation I am very social, pretty outgoing and friendly. But this time I just retracted a bit. I guess nerves will do that to you.

Overall it was great to see my friend, I found that I really missed him a lot while he was away, and it will be great to hang out with him over the summer. I didnt 'meet' anyone- I think I was sending out 'dont touch' signals... I guess it takes time just to get comfortable in your own skin and not worry if someone might be attracted to you or vice versa what you will do. I felt comfortable but uncomfortable. Hard to explain, I guess??

A lot of guys talk about how they felt so comfortable the first times they hung out with gay guys etc. I cant say I share the same feelings- I felt nervous and I was so spastic. lol... shaking like a leaf sometimes.... oh well. You live and learn. No regrets today.

Yin and Yang

2006-05-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today I finished my last exam, my last day of college. I am supposed to be happy, right? Relieved? lol. I feel anything but those things. Let me be very straightforward, very sarcastic: consider most of the following post a catharsis.

So yay..... I've finished four years of education...and what do I have to show for it? A degree in a major that I love but that will never get me a job. I have a lot of good friends, who I will miss. I have had majorly fun experiences. Laughing all night, clubbing, Saki, 1223, Home, Dream. I've had bad experiences- tears, worry and strain. I kinda figured out/ learned/ admitted that I'm gay. I've learned a good amount, but maybe its never enough. We never stop learning.

I've made my parents spend over $100,000 on an education. I drive a car worth over $40,000 dollars. I wear nice clothes, I can eat anything I want. (I am spoiled- but not snobby...) I'm relatively healthy. I have all of my limbs where they are supposed to be. My brain works (except in the neurotransmitter department).

I have everything and more, and its not enough. Am I really missing "love"? Or is that just some B.S. that I am telling myself that I need. I used to tell myself that I needed only me. I put up my walls and they worked fine. They worked perfectly. They kept the people out who needed to be kept out. The rest- friends, came in and there were no problems. I've opened myself to what? Stupid stupid things. Is it worth it to open myself like this? What the hell for? I dont need anyone but me.

Am I just trapped without any good option, so should I just cut my losses and take the lesser of the evils. And if so, which one is that? Why does it even matter that I'm gay. Who cares. Why should I care? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? I've gone this long. lets say 1/4th of my life, assuming i am lucky to live to 80.... whats the other 75% alone. lol. soon enough i'll be at 50% and then 75%....then my time will be up. I feel I want a distraction. Law school.... why not? At this point I am too tired to care. Who cares.

Who cares. Congrats. I'm graduating. Who cares.

The Future.

2006-04-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have been SO busy with school work over the past weeks...this trend will continue for the next week. And then a couple of weeks after that, I will graduate from college...

...and then. My life will be at a place where I just dont know. And I am afraid, and I am worried, and I don't want to make the wrong decision... i have about 10 career paths in mind and in my head and I cant seem to make up my mind. For once in my life I dont have a plan. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been too tired, too anxious and afraid to make a decision. I would be good at almost anything I set my mind to... so why am I so afraid? I may or may not come out to my parents in the relatively near future. I may or may not apply to law school. I may or may not find a guy to date this summer. I may or may not apply to graduate school in psychology. I may or may not get a job this year.

What do I do
When I dont know
What I want to do?
I've forgotten
What I want
And I dont remember
What or who
I am anymore.

Still Here...

2006-04-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

I shouldnt be writing this, as I have entirely too much to do. But I've been wondering as usual what the future holds for me.... I went to church on easter, breaking a 3 1/2 month 'sabatticle' from church. Maybe I have become, bitter, indignant, jaded. But going there didn't make me feel very wonderful- in fact all I wanted to do was leave. I wish I could go to church where I don't feel hated or where I dont feel like I want to change the whole belief system... I was even more upset on the inside because I made my mom so happy by going. I picked up one of my grandmothers (who isnt mormon) and she came along too. My mom was glowing about this all day. Sadly I just sat there and tried to smile for her, but not too much. I guess she doesn't know that walking into church is like being thrown into a bath of ice water. I just want to get out, I can't breathe, I cant listen, I cant talk, I feel uncomfortable. Whats more upsetting is how I feel when I get up to leave and so many people (church ladies- usually mothers of some of my peers) come up to me and ask me how I am, what I am up to these days. Many of them do genuinely care, and they probably like me because I am not like the other guys who are just...guys. I can talk with them, understand them, I am so 'sweet and sensitive' they tell my mom. Don't they get it??? I'm gay! lol. I feel sad because I wonder how they might change if they learned that very piece of information about me. I dont mind seeing them, because as people I like them much more than the men at church. I try to avoid the men, because it is with them that I associate almost everything negative. I have yet to meet one that I fully trust... So... thats my story with church. I still don't know what to do....even if I stopped going permanently, I feel the whispers of the doctrines of me being 'damned' in the back of my mind. Maybe I can change my scenery and find something more uplifting....

In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?

So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.

"I choose vodka. And, Chaka Khan."

2006-04-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I havent chosen vodka, yet. Although given my situation, it sometimes seems like a nice resort. However, I will not shy away from Chaka Khan. For all of you guys who recognize that line- congrats. You've seen Bridget Jones' Diary, a hilarious movie about a woman who searches for love in all the wrong places, and who goes through some extraordinarily awkward situations. If you havent seen it, I give it my stamp of approval.

Now, what does this have to do with Gay-Mormon blogging? Simply that, while at a personal low, Bridget chose not to give up. No, she chose vodka. And Chaka Khan. Although I choose not to drown my sorrows away with vodka, I have no problem running away from them (as most of you know.) This time I will/have been using fabulous music to help me escape. My escape will surely be short lived, but an escape it will be.

Now since I see we are all stressed gay-mormons, I think all of us could use a little escape. You are free to add a little vodka to the mix, if thats you're fortee. I have nothing against it in fact. lol.

But, for a select few of you Gay Mormons- I will now make a few recommendations on some (rather gay) tunes... to hopefully get some laughs from you all. Laughs arent common enough these days.

Gay Mormon: You need some CHER, "Its in his kiss." I realize you do have someone to kiss.... so kiss him!

Elbow: I think you could use some Britney Spears "Boys"....cant live with them, cant live without them, says Mrs. Spears. The song isnt my favorite of hers...but the words should make you laugh (I like "oops! I did it again" though- a close second for you).

Foxx: How about "Vogue" by Madonna? I think Utah / AZ needs to be shaken up a little bit :)

Doktor2be: The choice here is obvious: Shakira... now what songs... "Hips done lie" is a new good one. If you're looking for more traditional - SPANISH- Shakira, then I'd go with "Escondite Ingles" or "Las de la intuicion" (yeah, I know what its about....but that doesnt make it a bad song!)

Protean: You have been hard at work in school. How about something crazy and fun. "S.O.S." by Rihanna. (I wont lie, its a personal favorite at the moment.)

El Veneno: How about some Gwen Stefani. I dont know of any person who hates her. How could you hate her? She is simply too cool. Provo needs a makeover with "Whatchu' waiting for?"

I hope you all enjoy the songs... or if you hate what I've recommended for you... take 5 minutes out for yourself and relax. Everything will be okay. P.S. I am not as flaming gay as I sound in these posts... lol... I promise. It is fun to be a little flamboyant though sometimes :)

Drama continued...

2006-04-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Last night, I decided to go out with a bunch of friends to a coffee shop in D.C. It was a good time. "N" came along (see previous post)... and she was acting funny, as usual. Momentarily happy, and then moments of sadness and glum as well. Very confusing to see this kind of mood swing take place within minutes, if not seconds.

Our time ended at the coffee shop (No, I did not partake of any coffee... just orange juice and ice cream...) and as I was getting ready to drop people home, she typed a note to me in her cell phone- "Do you think you could drop me off last so we could talk for a little?" My immediate and without hesitation reaction was to nod my head. INSIDE my head, I could only muster a "Noooooo!" Physically, my heart started to beat faster and I felt a little adrenaline pulse through my veins. What on EARTH could she want to talk about?? To my relief, she started to tell me about this other guy- "T" that she had told me about back in september. Mind you, "T" has some UNCANNY similarities to me. He is of the same ethnicity, he drives the exact same car (color and everything), and he is the same religion- "christian". She told me about problems she has had in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship with him...since he is Christian and she is Muslim (this is a big deal for her...), she sort of sees it as pointless to date him because she believes they could never be together. On the other hand, he doesnt see such a problem, and wants to be with her. That is basically her 'problem'.

I gave her advice that I have been giving to myself lately: stop trying to plan your life out so that it is perfect. Let it happen, let it fall into place. Be honest with yourself, be honest with him. There is no point unless you are honest. (I felt somewhat hypocritical because I havent told her about me being gay... however, I feel that I have reasons for not telling her that... I will discuss this more later.)

Now this is odd. Odd, because she has mentioned him once to me since september. I didnt know that he supposedly sent her flowers on valentines day. Also, she had mentioned ANOTHER guy she met while traveling over winter break. It just didnt seem like he was THAT on her mind. Otherwise SOMEONE would have heard something about him, right? I have spoken to several people about all this...and one COMMONLY brought up idea is that she may be making up "T". That is, T is not real. T is a figment of her imagination, used to fix past "mistakes" that she made with me. This is a possibility. No one has met him, seen a picture of him, or even heard his voice on the telephone. He is her phantom, it seems.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to tell her. Because maybe I am the reason why she is making this guy up. But what if he is real? What if WE are the ones who are imagining things? What if she is not as psychotic as EVERYONE thinks? Is that not ALSO possible? I know, she very well may be in 'love' with me, and doing all of this because of these crazy feelings she has for me. But I still dont feel like I am obligated to tell her, because it is a big deal, and because I really dont know how she'd handle it. If she does indeed 'love' me, I feel I dont have the heart to tell her. On the other hand, maybe its worse for her to think that there is SOME chance, however small...

I hope T is real. I hope T is real. I hope T is real.

That is my mantra for the next week.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question.

2006-04-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, lets call her N. We have been friends for basically 4 years. The beginning of our friendship was a period where we 'liked' each other (this is before I even fathomed possible homosexual tendencies, so I guess I still thought I liked girls at the time...), but we had several differences and a rather serious outlook on relationships that seemed to eliminate any possibility of just 'dating'. I realize now that I guess I liked her for her personality, but even then I feel like I sort of tricked myself into thinking I liked her. Its all kind of a haze now, I do know I was never sexually attracted to her (no wonder I thought it would be so easy to never break any of the rules regarding sex and whatever...). Basically we decided to be friends, I thought that would be the best thing.

Well what a complex road that set me on. We became best friends and everything was great, until a mutua best-friend, V, got a boyfriend. N got very jealous of V, and I was stuck somewhere in the middle. N and Y sort of stopped being best friends, and V and I maintained our friendship. In fact, it grew stonger. When N saw this, she grew jealous and pulled away from me even when I put in an extraordinary (insane) amount of effort into maintaining our friendship. N never responded to my attempts, and then I decided enough is enough. I drew back. Then she realized she basically lost what she had once had (ALL by her own doing) and she tried to back paddle. Too late...

All of this set off a chain of events that made me see N's true colors, and N claimed to be very innocent all the while, she has been caught in some suspicious acts of trying to see who of the two of them I am closer with, and if I was talking about N behing her back. I have lost much, much of my trust for N.

N claims to be in 'love' with me. 4 years later. She told me this tonight. She told me that over a year ago, in another dramatic instance. But N cannot be in love with me, N does not know there is no chance. I am gay, how can 'my best friend' not see this?? I do not love her like that. In fact, the prolonged drama between her and I has driven me to the point of telling her that I simply cannot be close to her anymore, even as friends. I cant do it, I have been hurt too many times by her.

And I feel that I should tell her so at least she knows a part of why I act the way I do. Maybe she will understand better then. Maybe THEN she will be able to move on. The problem is that N is sort of a fragile person and she cannot handle any bit of information that is bad, regarding me. She is rather conservative and has said some very hateful things about gay people in the time I have known her. I dont want her to go crazy and at the same time to get very upset over the news I have for her. I dont necessarily trust N. I dont know what to do. But I want her to be 'over' me, and I want her to be my FRIEND without looking to the past which is now long gone...I am at a loss as to what to do on this one. I sort of feel like she 'needs' to know. But at the same time her past sneaky behaviors have lost her most of the trust I once had for her. Why should I tell her that? I dont know if she deserves to know, as it is something that I feel is a big deal and that I dont tell to just anyone. There are too many factors and too many thoughts swirling around like a whirlpool in my head.

Help!

P.S.: I was trying to keep this very short...the story is SO long and complicated. How do you roll four years into one blog entry?....

Tears and Sisters

2006-03-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

Just now I had a small release. I've been stressed with school, and today is just one of my days where I am worrying about everything related to my sexuality. I was studying and I just crumbled, when I heard a silly song... called 'my sister', by Reba McEntire (I dont even really like country, but I happened to come across that song...). Anyways, the words really moved me... and made me cry a bit, lol, which is something I rarely do. If I am sad it usually turns into anxiety, and I feel wound up and empty all at the same time. I actually LIKE to cry sometimes because its such a good release of negativity. Anyway....

Lyrics

Lol....there is a part that talks about playing barbie dolls and dress up.... lol, which I never really did with them (I have two sisters). But I do remember just silly fun things that we did, and that we still do now. The point of the song is really about feeling gratitude for my sisters. And I realized how much they have been there for me during this whole thing that I am going through. Just the fact that they have been so supportive of me means so much to me and I should be more grateful for that. I wish I could express that enough to them. Soon I will do something extra nice for them. They do deserve it.

Shakira- No Creo (I dont believe)

2006-03-25T09:52:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share another amazing song by Shakira. She has some great lyrics. This is one of her older songs from her third album (came out around 1999). I did my best to translate the lyrics so they make more sense in english, not necesarily to be an exact translation. (Doktor 2 be, I hope my translation skills are up to par!)

Sólo tú sabes bien quien soy Only you know well who I am

Y por eso es tuyo mí corazón And so my heart is yours

Sólo tú doblas mi razón Only you bend my reason

Y por eso a donde tú quieras voy And so wherever you want I'll go

No creo que el mar algún dia I dont believe that the sea,

Pierda el sabor a sal One day will lose its salty flavor

No creo en mi todavía I dont believe in me yet

No creo en el azar I dont believe in fate.

Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile

En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal

En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me

Y en todo lo que digas In everything you say

Si hablo demasiado If I speak too much

No dejes de lado Dont leave my side

Que nadie más te amará así Cause no one will love you like that

Como lo hago yo like I do

No creo en venus ni en marte I dont believe in venus or mars

No creo en carlos marx I dont believe in Karl Marx

No creo en jean paul sartre I dont beleive in Jean Paul Sartre

No creo en brian weiss I dont believe in Brian Weiss

Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile

En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal

En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me

Y hablen lo que hablen And they say what they say

Ay yo quiero ser tu firmamento I want to be your heaven

De tu boca una canción A song from your mouth

De tus alas siempre ser el viento The wind from your wings,

Tu terrón de sal Your pinch of salt

Un rayo de sol A ray of sunlight

Que a donde digas que tú That goes wherever you say

Quieres que yo vaya voy Wherever you want I'll go

Que eres mi desliz, mi país feliz That you're my happiness, my happy country,

Mi primavera My spring

Mi escalera al cielo si My stairway to heaven

Por eso sigo aquí y camino contigo And so I'll follow here and walk with you

A tí nunca podría decirte que no To you I could never say no....

Unzipped

2006-03-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

It appears my period of relief was relatively short lived. I mean, everything I said in my last post is true, I'm still much less confused, but....still confused and sad and angry in other respects. I know I should probably see a therapist, I believe in therapy, but there are complications....like getting money to pay for it from my parents, and trying to avoid their questions regarding that...

But the major issue today and yesterday was my general feelings of anger. The majority of days I am okay now, I dont know if I use "ok" a little too generously here, but alas, its the word I will choose. Anyway, I usually feel okay, or blah enough that I just dont care, or that the general feeling of negativity that I have is not above its baseline threshold. But yesterday I was angry. I drove around in my car, driving way too fast, listening to a good song that goes:

I dont wanna hear,
I dont wanna know,
Please don't say you're sorry,
I've heard it all before,
And I,
Can't take it anymore.

Thats "Sorry" by Madonna. How appropriate....a Madonna song that describes my feelings. I seem unable to get out of this angry place, or the sad place. I am so stuck... but sometimes I am not. Sometimes I have fleeting moments where I feel that I will be okay, and that I have to make it okay. I have the power, I tell myself. Then there are the low moments where I think about guns, knives, or car accidents that would all lead to my demise.

I wonder if God even cares that I feel this way. Or the millions of other people that are in my shoes. So many of them have it worse than I do. I dont understand how this 'organization' that is supposed to represent the church- and more importantly- GOD- can cause me and so many others so much pain. Its mindboggling pain.... how is that okay with God?

My mom asked me to go to church this morning. "Aren't you gonna get up and go to church?" I didnt reply. I just laid in bed, silent. "I guess not," she said as I heard her heels click down the hallway. I am tired of dissappointing her. I wish I could go and be happy there. I wish I could go and feel like I am not being chased by all these people who want me to do this and that and who want to check up on me and make sure I'm not 'slipping' away. I havent gone to church all year long... I am too tired. I am disappointed in myself. I always tell myself, I'll go next week, next week... and I wake up and I am too sad, or too tired to even bother. It's a lot to handle. Isnt it? Or am I just being a baby?

I wish I could just tell my mom. I wish I could tell her and not feel like I'd be bringing her as low as I am now. But my mom is broken. Just like I am broken. Except she has been broken for years. I dont want to pulverize the pieces she is in to dust. And I dont get it. She is such a good woman. The church promises some happiness if you follow...and she follows. And where is her happiness? Maybe its just a BS Promise. I dont know. If I felt like she could handle it, I would tell her more readily. But maybe she can and I am not giving her enough credit for 20 years of depression.

Maybe I am a recovering mormon. Maybe there's no need for me to try to reconcile mormonism and homosexuality. Maybe I should just move on. I am not really sure what I should do. Sometimes I wonder why I am so worried about probably not being a part of a church that has made me sad my entire life. No joke, I can nary remember one happy memory from church. Maybe there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering. On the whole church from the beginning of my life, till now, has been a very disappointing and saddening experience. Maybe I have made it that way. Perhaps I didnt try hard enough. But look at my mom, she spent her whole life making the pursuit of happiness through the church, and it hasn't brought her much happiness either.

I was talking with a friend about me a week or so ago, and I told her how it felt for me to come to all of these realizations. How I felt, how I feel, as my own world came caving in on me: It's like someone has unzipped me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. All of me and everything has spilled outside onto the ground. Much of me has ended up down the drains, past the point of recovery. I will have to replace those parts. I will have to zip myself up again, make myself whole. I'll replace my kidneys, my bowels, my bellybutton must go in its proper place again. I'll reassemble my ribs and my arms and legs. My legs are still a little intact because I am still running. One day I'll have my heart set right where it should be, right in my chest, a little off center, a little to the left side. And when I'm all zipped up again, I will hopefully carry a smile that is real. I will feel again.

A Trip!

2006-03-17T08:06:00.000-08:00

After a long absence I am back! I was in FL, at the beach for spring break. It was good, except I got sick (flu) and am still recovering from it. Needless to say it was a great break just to be away from everything for a few days....

One thing I did notice, was that I really wasnt 'confused' anymore when seeing people, in terms of attraction. It felt so much better to just feel attraction to guys and not worry about the rest. Girls were there, plenty of beautiful ones, but I could calmly look at them and see that I was not really interested. Period. It was not some big vacillating decision of 'am I attracted to you or not'? Maybe it helped that there were a HERDS of young guys (my age) from colleges in FL that apparently go to the gym a lot.... all of them had such great bodies. lol.... yummy, is all I have to say. Anyways....it was nice to start feeling that I am more comfortable with it, I feel sort of better that I've stopped fighting it I guess. That doesnt mean I'm gonna go off and start hooking up with tons of people (or anyone) for that matter, but it does make me feel better that I am okay with being gay. It really is an improved state of being.

Current mood: relieved.

Straight Guys.

2006-03-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

Well I thought I'd post something funny for a change... I realize some of you may be offended by what will follow, but thats whats so great about the blog. I can say what I want and you can get as mad as you want. And its okay. (Actually its not gonna be offensive, just poking fun.)

Okay. So let me slip into my stereotypical gay shoes (Prada of course). And now let me ask some questions about these creatures that I have come to call straight guys.

1. How many times are you going to say "dude" or "man" in a sentence?
2. Why do you still wear carpenter jeans that they (EVERYONE) stopped selling about 3 or 4 years ago?
3. Does it make you feel more macho to get 'double meat' at Chipotle? (An awesome place where they make these huge burritos...fyi.)
4. Tube socks?
5. Socks and sandals!?!?!
6. Do you go to the gym to work out, or do you simply go to strut around with puffed up muscles in front of all of those girls who are perpetually running on the treadmills and on the elliptical machines?
7. Is it that funny when someone burps, farts or goes to the bathroom?
8. Which is better for you? "Tits" or "Ass"? (I personally go with ass because thats what guys have.)
9. Why is everything that is 'stupid' 'dumb' or 'retarded' also called "gay" "homo" or "fag"? I didnt know all gay people were stupid or mentally challenged.
10. Does it really count when you could have hooked up with her but didnt? (In other words, you're all talk).
11. Why the need to get completely belligerent/ violent when you start to drink?
12. Why are you so dirty? (unclean, messy, etc)
13. How can you NOT love Madonna, Mariah Carey, or Shakira? (haha)
14. Do you really have to talk all quiet when you ask me about self care, like what to wear, how to do your hair etc? Is it a secret that you have to get dressed to go out, and that you want to look good?
15. Your penis is NOT that big. (if it is, got proof?)

lol... okay so some will appreciate those questions, and others won't, even amongst the gay community. I hate to be 'stereotypicall gay', but hey...I am only me- neither uber macho nor a queen. Though regardless of sexuality I have some good points on some of them, I think :-P.... well, anyways. I hope you all got a laugh from one or more of my questions.... if anyone has insightful answers to any of thes inquiries, feel free to let me know.

Cheers.

A Letter.

2006-03-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago I took some time to write a letter to my mom, about me. I dont know when or if I'll ever send it to her. It talks about my 'struggle' and everything that I have been going through regarding my sexuality, anxiety and depression and what not. Its not nearly "done" I will edit and re-edit and edit some more. Maybe I'll never send it, maybe I will just tell her out loud. This way seems nice though, because it allows me to organize my thoughts....

It was hard to know what to say. I wrote it and just had a flood of thoughts, so many that I couldnt keep them straight, I just was writing in a stream of consciousness style rather than in a very organized one....

Here's an excerpt...a very small one...so you get the idea of how long it is.

The truth is, I believe that people are judged based on the how they lead their lives, if they were good, caring people. I feel that if I can accept this, I won’t have to be so selfish, I won’t have to worry about me anymore. I can give myself to others. The church places this huge emphasis on family, on finding a life partner, someone to love. LOVE in general. Is it my fault that I don’t fit their mold of what that should be? Should I be denied the right to love someone else because I am not attracted to women? Should I be alone forever? Am I not worthy of love from another person for whom there is mutual love? My answer to all those questions is no. In my efforts to run, I convinced myself that I would never love anyone, that I didn’t want to, and that love is dead. There is no such thing as Love, I told myself. The truth is, the church doesn’t know what to do with their policy on homosexuality. They label it as wrong, and that’s that. The changes they have made, such as banning polygamy and accepting blacks into the priesthood were more than anything, political. I think in time they may change their stance on gays.

I don’t know what I am asking of you. Simply that you accept me, and love me, and not to treat me differently because of this. I am taking a huge risk by telling you this. But I know you’ve ‘worried’ about this issue regarding me. Now at least you know. I know this will take time to digest. I would simply ask that when you see me you don’t judge me. That you don’t feel disgusted by me. That maybe one day if I ever have a significant other you would welcome him to the family just as warmly as you welcome everyone else.

Thats the idea. I will write another one for my dad separately. I have very different relationships with both of my parents and so I cannot just write a "one-size-fits-all" letter. I think its better that way. My parents have different approaches to life. My dad for instance doesnt go to church so I dont think the religious part would bother him so much. I think more than anything it would be social stigma.... but he is also pretty open minded so he might get over it faster than my mom... that would be ironic for me, since I am closer with my mom than my dad.

Anyhow. Any thoughts on that little excerpt? Its not much compared to what I wrote... but I feel like if I showed the whole thing to the world I would be betraying its importance. Maybe thats a weird sentiment. Oh well. Thats all you get to see! :-P

Anxiety. Ansiedad. Angst. Bezorgdheid. Inquiétude.

2006-02-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

One word, five languages, for how I feel. I hate feeling this way... yet this blog is a huge catharsis that I need. I am blaring classical music. Chopin, Polonaise. Opera now...Andrea Bocelli. I realize I don't make much sense, but at the current time I dont know what exactly I am feeling except for inner turmoil. I dont know what brought it on.

Its like someone has a tight grip on your ribcage and you cant breathe. You breathe through a straw. Or you have your face stuffed into a pillow. I feel uneasy and unrestful. Tired.

I am living day to day, and even that is becoming difficult. Its hard to pretend like everything is fine, when its not. All I want is some peace, I just have no clue how to get it anymore. I dont know how to stop being afraid. I am afraid of everything. And yet I have everything going for me. I am smart enough to tackle anything I want, if I just try hard enough. I have good enough looks that I could find people to be with. I am caring, and good to those around me. I am not a jerk. I dont have to worry about finances. I have a supportive family. Yet I feel like I have a hole inside of me. I feel like I am losing everything, control, religion, family, life.

I feel sad because it SEEMS like many Gay Mormons still feel like God loves them no matter what, or maybe that the church is just not completely right. Or something. I feel like I've lost all of that. Everything that was once solid in my life has turned into mush. I question every belief I've ever had. I feel like, well if one thing is wrong, maybe everything I've ever thought or felt is wrong. I feel so insecure. Back when I had zero sexual drives (because I would repress them) I just walked around and gave myself to my friends, and that was great. I feel selfish for wanting something that is supposedly so wrong. I feel stupid for 'allowing' this to happen. I LET myself fall for the guy here at school. I still have feelings for him. How could I be so stupid. Maybe if I didn't allow myself admit my feelings to him and myself, I wouldn't be in this position now.

Maybe

2006-02-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	5.8
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	4.2
Friends/Family:	6.2
Love:	2.1
Finance:	5.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Apparently I am lacking in "love" and "spirit". There's a bloody surprise. lol.... and its true. I am lacking in both now. There was only one question that stumped me: "Do you believe things happen for a reason?" I used to. Now I am not so sure anymore. Now sometimes I think shi* just happens. I dont know. I think maybe it does happen for a reason. So I answered yes. But why did my friend's mom get uterine cancer? why was I born into a mormon family and then turn out to be attracted to men? why was there a tsunami? Is there a reason for that... or does it just happen because life sucks?

Religion & Violence

2006-02-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

Iraq. What a mess. I usually dont get political, but I will, today.

Here's a headline from the Associated Press, for today:

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Gunmen shot dead 47 civilians and left their bodies in a ditch near Baghdad Thursday as militia battles and sectarian reprisals followed the bombing of a sacred Shiite shrine. Sunni Arabs suspended their participation in talks on a new government. At least 47 other bodies were found scattered across Iraq, many of them shot execution-style and dumped in Shiite-dominated parts of Baghdad.

Well isnt this lovely. I must say, for all the good religion does for the individual, it seems to do 5 or 10 times more damage to the group. Yes, you say its all about the religions being misconstrued. Yes, in Iraq its about sectarian differences. Shi'a vs. Sunni. But supposedly the end of the world will come one of these days, not too far off, so we hear. And its going to be more violence. And yeah, all the "bad" people will be scourged from the earth. In a bloodbath. And then it should be perfect. Well, my question is why would God, who is perfect, use violence against those he loves? Violence is okay in contexts X, Y and Z, but not in A, B and C. It doesnt make sense.

Its ugly, all of this. We look at the world today and we see it divided up. Jew vs. Muslim vs. Christian vs. Hindu vs. Buddhist. Why should it be this way. Why IS it this way? Its because we assume that "we" are the only right ones. Islam assumes Allah is supreme. The Christians preach of Jesus' return, his earth life and crucifixion- these are the only truths, according to these religions. Mormonism has, in its very young history remained a peaceful religion, (except for at the beginning....). But it too has its martyrs.... Again, we assume our way is the right way. "I know the church is true," we say every testimony meeting. There could be no other possible way. And this is not only in Mormonism, but again, any other religion. And so when the doctrines, agendas and politics conflict, so to do our bodies. We end up with millions dead, maimed, tortured, in the name of something that claims to be perfect, and right. How is it possible for people to get it so wrong?

Maybe we should open our eyes and realize that we actually do share the world with others. Maybe we are all wrong about our religions. Maybe we should realize that Jesus was called the Prince of Peace for a reason. Maybe peace is the only righteous way to go.

"I like your Chirst, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi

I think this quote to be true for any other religion as well. For Muslims, its Muhammad or Ali... for Jews its the Prophets of old. All with good intentions, gone completely awry. It's time for the world to stand up and realize that we are destroying each other. We've been through this so many times. History repeats itself. When will we learn that violence and destruction in the name of religion is as good as burning all the meaning that these religions have? Put away your guns, knives and bombs. Jesus said to turn the other cheek.

The fundamentalist christian movement in the U.S. is not preaching peace. Fred Phelps is not peaceful. Neither are the other ministries who teach that christianity is the only way. A look in history confirms that every great (major) religion has violence in its past- skeletons in the closet, in my eyes. Catholics. Protestants. Muslims. Jews. Mormons. Hindus. When will people wake up? Stop trying to convert each other, to CHANGE people. When will people just be. Just accept others' religions. When will religion be left alone to be what it should be: peaceful, loving, merciful. Why cant the world get it right?

Four

2006-02-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Apparently Doktor2Be tagged me to do this little traveling meme...whatever a meme is, I am not sure. I call it a chain letter / survey thing. lol. Could you believe I go to a top 50 university? I am not as dumb as I sound, I promise.

Here are four items for each category:

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
- Intern at a large non-profit org.
- Journalist for the University paper
- Mowing lawns
- uh..... Yeah. Really I've only had two... I only mowed the lawn for pay for my parents. LOL.

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
- French Kiss
- Clueless
- The Interpreter
- Never Been Kissed or Ever After... I cant decide.

Four Places I've Lived:
- I've only lived in two... and I am afraid to say where the other one is... One of them is a very distinct (cool) place that is not in the United States...its not western.
- Washington D.C.

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
- ER
- Simpsons
- Will and Grace
- CNN, lol. (gotta stay updated on world events!!)

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
-London
-Aruba
-Italy
-Greece

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
-My blog
-bmwusa.com
-germancarfans.com
-expedia.com

Four Favorite Foods:
-Chinese- Szechwan string beans
-Thai- Pad Prik king
-Indian- Butter Chicken
-Middle Eastern- Anything

Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
-India - Delhi, Bombay, Taj Mahal
-Japan - Tokyo, Osaka, Mt. Fuji...
-Bali - why wouldnt you want to go there? Gorgeous. Hello?
-China- Hong Kong, the great wall......among many, many, many others.

Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
GayMormon
Foxx
Gaysofmylife
HawaiiDave

How am I feeling?

2006-02-15T17:20:00.000-08:00

Tired, is my answer to that question. I dont understand why I can't just be okay with it. There is no rule that says I have to act on anything. But why cant I just be okay. Why can't I let myself feel? Its like now I have completely shut myself off. I feel attracted to almost no one....even then its just like. Oh. he's cute. The sparkle is all gone. Sometimes I have nice delusional thoughts like, oh maybe this is a miracle, maybe I am changing to straightness somehow. Stupid. It's not a miracle. Its depression... depressed people have no sex drive. But I feel like its been worse. When I still was "straight" to myself, I didnt have these problems. I just noticed the guys and that was it. It didnt mean anything I didnt want it to mean. Now its a whole different ball game (no pun intended), and I dont know why I am not normal in this. I feel like running away. Somewhere far. I've always wanted to go to India. I think that woud be beautiful. I desire companionship. With someone. A girl beacause thats what everyone else does. A guy because I think they are attractive, and because I can have it all, the personality and the attraction. But girls, guys...everyone is so full of baggage. My sister asked me if I ever really felt the urge to kiss a girl, if I ever felt tingly around a girl. No, not really I said. So why is this so difficult. Why can I not believe it? Do I need to go out there and find some girl to hook up with when I can tell you now that I have little if any desire to try anything out with a girl? Even dancing up on a girl in a way that is provocative makes me just laugh. These guys get all worked up over some girls' ass being pushed up into their crotch while dancing. I am always running away from that, and no there is never a passing thought of 'this is nice'.

Maybe I am still hung up on someone...the guy who I go to school with. Too bad he is out of the country studying abroad. I miss his presence. I miss his eyes that are honest and the lightest blue grey that I've ever seen. Like ice. Like the clouds that swirl in the sky during a storm. I miss his phone calls and his voice, and the fact that he is a coffee addict and I get to yell at him about that. Maybe my problem is that I cant think of any one else really, but him. I think of him every day. And I wish I could just hug him, have him embrace me. And maybe then I'd be okay again.

what. is. wrong. with. me.?

Today....

2006-02-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the mall, only to run into my younger brother who is still in high school, with one of his friends. My brother looks up to me in 2 things: my academic achievements and my sense of style (ha, go figure.) Anyways, today he was bragging to his friend saying, 'my brother is so cool, he always looks good..." and his friend said something to the effect that such behavior is either 'gay' or 'stupid' or 'girly' .... I couldnt hear his friend. But then my brother stopped in his tracks and said, "my brother isnt gay, man." And I half frowned, half smiled to myself.

It made me feel sad that my younger bro thinks its a bad thing. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised, he is still in high school, where everything bad is 'gay'. It just reminds me how much I hate that kind of mentality. And it saddens me because I am not close with him, and I don't want him to really be upset, withdrawn or disgusted when he finds out. I've voiced this worry to a lot of my friends and my family, but they all tell me not to worry. What can I do? Try to draw closer to him so when the time comes for me to tell him, he may be less reactive? I dunno.... argh.

__________________________

In other news, I got a fantastic massage today, including minty body oils and lotions. And hot stones on my feet and back. It was very awesome. I also bought a pair of Seven A-Pocket jeans for a very good price...ok, just kidding...they were cheap cuz I exchanged them for a pair of jeans that I got for christmas that were too big...hahahaha. What better way to make yourself feel better than to indulge? lol...actually I indulged before I felt bad....so it evens out. :)

"Stupid Girls"

2006-02-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

I just saw Pink's new music video, called "Stupid Girls" Its QUITE hilarious. Makes fun of:

-Jessica Simpson
-Paris Hilton
-Nicole Richie
-Tori Spelling?
-Olsen Twins....

Hilarious, and has a pretty good message all along. I encourage you all to check it out. Google it and you'll find it. Catchy song! :)

Where am I?

2006-02-05T00:03:00.000-08:00

I feel sort of lost recently. As usual playing up my 'confusion'. Or feeling confused. I think I've shut my sexuality off....because its like, I dont really know what I feel anymore. Its tiring, its confusing.

I go clubbing with my friends and imagine actually dancing like all those fools do.... practically humping each other in public. They seem to enjoy it. I have danced like that...and it always made me feel uncomfortable and ridiculous, quasi grossed out, never once was there a hint of 'Ooh, I actually kind of like this.' But going to clubs like the one I went to last night, you see only the most beautiful people. Everyone looks good. I end up checking out every guy, every girl, to see if there is 'something'. I am told this is a normal stage for lots of gay guys. But I am tired of questioning.... tired of wanting to be 100 percent sure... but at the same time I feel like I know I'm gay, but that this is just my mind trying to deny it- cognitive dissonance.

The other day, I tried to build the 'perfect' woman in my head.... one that would turn me on, I guess. Nothing really came to mind. lol. I also thought about all these girls that I have 'liked' in the past- I dont remember honestly looking anywhere but their face on any of them. One of them was very pretty, but I dunno, there is always something wrong with them.... I just also dont imagine myself getting all excited about sexual things with a girl. Lets be blunt here; I am supposed to want to put my mouth where? lol. Um no, gross. I've seen tons of breasts at topless beaches in Europe. Big deal, they are boobs... I dont get the fascination. Ok so nowI sound so sure that I am gay. How is it that every day I wake up with the same worry about the 2% chance that I am not? Oy. Moving on. At least with guys there are REAL ones that I am attracted to....

A friend told me, ____, you appreciate beauty wherever you see it, if you see a pretty girl, it doesnt mean you are attracted to her, even if you think she is beautiful. My other friend (a girl) told me, "I think angelina Jolie is like HOT, she is GORGEOUS, but I dont want to do her." Me neither. I'd rather do Brad too (when he was starring in Troy... lol)..... oops did I say that?

I need to stop analyzing so much, and let myself feel again.....

Que Me Quedes Tu

2006-01-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite song by Shakira, by far. It has a lot of meaning for me, and I have taken time to translate it as best as I can for you all. Enjoy.

Que se arruinen los canales de noticias
Let all news stations be ruined

Con lo mucho que odio la television

With how much I hate the television anyways
Que se vuelvan anticuadas las sonrisas
Let all smiles become ancient relics

Y se extingan todas las puestas de sol
And let all the rays of sunlight be extinguished

Que se supriman las doctrinas y deberes
Let all doctrines and works be suppressed

Que se terminen las peliculas de accion
Let all the action movies come to an end,

Que se destruyan en el mundo los placeres
Let all the pleasures in the world be destroyed,

Y que se escriba hoy una ultima cancion

And today let the a last song be written.

Pero que me quedes tu
But let me keep you

Y me quede tu abrazo
And let me keep your embrace

Y el beso que inventas cada dia
And the kiss that you invent every day

Y que me quede aqui
And that I stay here,

Despues del ocaso
After the sunset

Para siempre tu melancholia
Forever your melancholy

Porque yoooo, yoo si, si
Because I, I

Que dependo de ti
I depend on you

Y si me quedas tu
And if you let me keep you,

Me queda la vida

I’ll keep my life

Que desaparezcan todos los vecinos

Let all the neighbors disappear
Y se coman las sobras de mi inocencia

And let them eat up all my innocent excess
Que se vayan uno a uno los amigos

Let my friends disappear one by one
Y acribillen mi pedazo de conciencia

And let them murder my piece of conscience
Que se consuman las palabras en los labios

Let them eat their own words
Que contaminen todo el agua del planeta

Let them contaminate all the world’s water
Que renuncien los filantropos y sabios
Let them renounce all the philanthropists and wise men
Y que se muera hoy hasta el ultimo poeta

And today let the very last poet die …

Pero que me quedes tu

But let me keep you
Y me quede tu abrazo

And let me keep your embrace
Y el beso que inventas cada dia

And the kiss that you invent every day
Y que me quede aqui

And that I stay here,
Despues del ocaso

After the sunset
Para siempre tu melancholia

Forever your melancholy
Porque yoooo, yoo si, si

Because I, I
Que dependo de ti

I depend on you
Y si me quedas tu

And if you let me keep you,
Me queda la vida
I’ll keep my life...

-Shakira, Que Me Quedes Tu

Out to Brother.

2006-01-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

Well this went well. I'll try and make it short for you all....

After the conversation I had with my mom (see previous post), later in the day, my Brother calls me, telling me that my mom had called him to guilt trip him as well. (This is common). We started discussing all of the issues surrounding her unhappiness.... and I started to ask him about his views of the church, why he stopped going etc. He gave his reasons, all of which I respect and many of which I could agree with.... then he brought up the issue of Mormonism and homosexuality.

"Look what they believe about Gay people. I don't believe that they're going to hell for living their lives, esp when they dont go out and choose to be that way..."

"yeah. well...." (this is where my heart started racing...and I figured, what the hell, this is probably the best time I could tell him about it.....)

"umm....well.... _____, I just uh..... wanted to tell you...."

"What?"

"....this isn't easy...but uh..... that's why I'm having a really hard time with the church as well...."

"huh?"

"that issue....thats why I feel I cant really go to church anymore....and of course I'm like humiliated and whatever"

"Why are you humiliated?"

"Because this is not what I wanted, yet I knew in the back of my mind this is probably how I am.... so many reasons."

.......Well, he basically told me that it doesnt change his views of me (and he placed his bets on me being gay anyways, so it was shocking that I actually told him, but not really what I told him.) . He said we are brothers and no matter what he loves me and thats that. Later on he called me and we talked a bit more. He asked me if I am sure, and I said, well.... right now I'd say im in the upper 90%-sure. He then said, okay well we can go to a nudie bar just to make sure. Then I said... "EW NO! No. I don't need or want to do that...." HAHA. He joked around a lot with me, and tried to make me feel better about it. We discussed the 'dynamics' of sexuality and he was very open and cool about everything.... ie, you're just wired the way you are and for some reason I dont think of women in a sexual way. lol....

I am glad that I was able to tell him, and that he took it so well. I feel that if I didn't jump on the chance to tell him then, I would have waited a long time....and really I know I should trust him more. I saw him yesterday and he seemed perfectly normal. I just dont want him to be weirded out...because...well, I just know how straight guys can be when it comes to homosexuality. When you dont understand something, you often become afraid or averse to it. Luckily it seems he doesnt really take any issue to it. Its times like these when I thank heavens I have siblings who are this cool about it. Bless them, honestly....

Giving Advice to my Mom....

2006-01-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

My mother called me up, today unhappy about the way things are going in her life- rather, the way things are going in her childrens lives. She's sad that basically all of her children are not Mormon..... My eldest sister is currently on her way to visit a Mormon guy that she is trying to get her to marry.... big problem being that she lives here in the DC area....and he lives in Oklahoma. Not easy to start a relationship that way. Anyways, my eldest sister has been inactive in the church for years now... I don't know how many, and she just doesnt believe in it. My older brother stopped going to church 11 years ago, and is essentially atheist now. My other older sister is just spiritual, and believes in many of the principles of Mormonism, but she also thinks that a lot of it is a load of crap.

Then there is me, I have for the past 3 or 4 years, struggled with a deep knowledge that I am gay....all the while I attended church, not for me, because I never really liked it...it was okay, as it always was, but it certainly wasnt my favorite place to be. But I have tried so hard to make my mom happy, I don't want to fail her, I want to make her happy. But how can I continue this self-destructive cycle, only for her "benefit." I could sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life, I feel, and try to be in the church, only for her... It makes me feel selfish now, when I think of how upset she'll be if I tell her that I'm gay and that I just can't handle being gay and Mormon. But I also dont know if it would ever be enough. My mother has never really been happy, even when my Dad and the whole family were church-going folk. My oldest sister says she doesnt remember a time where my mom was truly happy.... and how sad is that? She has so much, we all do. We have a diverse family, we are big and obnoxious and crazy about each other. Luckily we dont have finanical worries. I dont know that my mom CAN be happy...she's on Zoloft, but I really havent noticed any change in her mood. I study psychology... I know then, that if the medicine is not working and its not a chemical imbalance, Depression is often caused then by maladaptive thoughts. The only way to change that is through therapy.....

Anyways, she was upset because my sister essentially told her today that she has no intention of returning to the Church...ever. My mom was saying, "I just dont get you guys, I think you guys are too spoiled, you think you dont need the lord anymore."

I said, "I dont think that's what its about. I think its that we were raised in a very very different environment than the average Mormon, and we were taught to be open thinkers. I guess we see some problems with church doctrines. And more than that, the church never made any of them happy. It's certainly not making you happy. Why would they stay with a church that made them unhappy? Religion should be there to make you happy, not to make you depressed. I dont think God is sitting up there wanting us to be miserable."

She replied, "Well its a big waste, no one goes to church, we wont be together eternally..."

Me: "Mom, where does it say - forget mormonism for a second- where does it say in the Bible that you'll never see your children and family again after you die?"

Mom: "It doesnt."

Me: "okay then... so personally I think its a scare tactic to get people to join the church. But I dont believe for a second that we wont see each other... I also dont believe that there is ONE way to God. Why would God bother creating or having all of these religions? He could just as easily have allowed for just one religion, and people would still have free agency to choose...There are three or four scenarios that are possible regarding death: one- Mormonism is right. Two, they are wrong and maybe we just float around after we die, and we are happy. Three, another religion is right and we are wrong. Four, we all just die and thats it. The point is NO ONE KNOWS. I'm sorry, I don't care what anyone says at testimony meetings, but they do not KNOW that this is the only way. They believe that they know. They can say they 'know' all they want to, but at the end of the day it comes down to faith. You need to be happy because youre Mormon, otherwise there's no point in following the religion. It should make you happy. Most of all, you cant live your childrens lives for them and its not your cross to bear mom! You think that X and Y family from Utah are perfect. What, do you think they're gonna be translated or something? Come on. NO family is perfect. Its an ILLUSION. They have their dirty laundry just like everyone else... and i feel bad for their kids because any of them who wanted to live differently would be totally ostrasiced. Where is the choices we're supposed to be given?"

Mom: "Easier said than done...if you ever have kids you'll understand...well... oh wow, look what they're saying on CNN about Hamas and the Palestinians...everyone's getting all riled up."

I guess she stops listening when she doesnt like what she's hearing. But I tried. I dont know what to tell her. And how can I go on like this, her thinking that I am more or less happy going to church now and then. When in reality the whole thing makes me miserable and I dont want to go. How can I place that burden on her, because she will take it as a burden, a cross she has to bear. How can I tell her not only that I'm gay but that I dont really want to be a part of a church that has made me sad for my whole life? I have tried to make her happy, and now it looks like I'm just going to give her an even greater fall. I dont know... I dont know.

A bucket of laughs...

2006-01-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

You Know You're From Washington DC When...

You say you're from DC, but you actually live in VA or MD but are too tired to explain where.

You don't consider exploding man hole covers to be an unusual occurrence.

You know where the Pentagon really is but never bother to correct anyone about its location.

When it takes you 45 minutes to drive 3 miles on I-66, 95, 395, 495, 50, 123, 29, or 270, it's a pretty good day.

There are at least fifteen ways to get everywhere and you know which way to go based on the weather, time of day, current political climate, terrorism road closures, and whether you are coming or going.

You pay more money in parking tickets in a year than you do in medical bills, college costs and rent combined.

You know that driving through Georgetown, you will hear the music of the car next to you louder than you can hear your own.

"I got stuck behind a motorcade" is a common and real excuse for being late.

"Finding a parking space" actually becomes an appointment on your calendar. (E.g.. 7:00-8:00 Gym, 8:30-9:00PM - find a parking space, 9:00-10:30PM - Dinner reservations.)

You've never once been to Wal-Mart and don't even know if there is one.

When you say you're going to the mall and you don't mean shopping.

You never refer to the 'Metro' as the 'subway'.

You elbow tourists out of the way on the Metro escalators to "gently"
emind them to WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT.

Going to work early means being there by 9:00AM.

You don't bat an eye at 500 politicians and businessmen in suits running like their lives depended on it just to catch a Metro that will be followed by another in 90 seconds.

You call it Targ�t, not Target, and are well aware that the one in Alexandria is just a "tad different".

When Washington National Airport is and will always be "WASHINGTON NATIONAL", not "Reagan National".

You can tell by people's cars where they live and maybe even what neighborhood.

You've claimed that there's nothing to do on a weekend night even when you have the entire nation's capitol to explore.

You have the Metro map memorized, yet act like you don't know when someone asks you how to get to Metro Center.

You meet someone else who says they're from the DC area and you realize they live two hours away from you.

You notice that there's been construction on the same stretch of highway for the past 5 years and you've never see anyone working on it.

You know you've crossed into Northern Virginia, without ever seeing a sign, only because your speedometer goes from 60 to 0.

You know that Vietnam is no longer in the South Pacific, it's now been re-located to Seven Corners.

The few times you have gotten lost in DC you have somehow ALWAYS ended up in Anacostia and every road out somehow leads back to Anacostia.

You realize that I-395 is Northern Virginia's version of NASCAR.

There is no such thing as North, South, East, or West on the beltway, it's just go "that" way!(Inner circle / outer circle)

You go anywhere on the Eastern Shore, Rehoboth, Dewey, Ocean City, Skyline Drive, or the Outer Banks for vacation and everyone you meet is from DC

Snow means rain to you

Ice on the roads just means that you pay more attention to other cars, but still go 75 mph on the highways

You can see the national cathedral from almost anywhere

You know at least 2 rowers

You know that Georgetown is NOT only a school

You consider Northern VA to be in no way similar to southern VA

You know which bridges to cross to get to Maryland or VA

You actually know goes on in Dupont circle

You can't go to Tysons Mall without seeing someone you know!!

You have a few friends who don't know what their parents do...It's Top Secret government work.

People don't ask you if Chevy Chase is named after the actor.

You can harmonize perfectly with the alert for "Doors Closing" on the Metro

50% of your senior class went to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from DC.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

Quote. What a quote.

2006-01-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

“There is much suffering in the world - physical, material, mental. The suffering of some can be blamed on the greed of others. The material and physical suffering is suffering from hunger, from homelessness, from all kinds of diseases. But the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.”

-Mother Theresa

Better

2006-01-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

Since that last post, I am doing much better. Sorry for leaving such a depressing message...though most of mine tend to be that way, its very much a catharsis for me- a way of getting it all out.

I think I shouldn't expect to feel good so soon after all of this started. For many people this takes years. Everyone has different experiences with coming out- mine might just be more difficult...for me. I know a guy who told me that coming out for him was not really that big of a deal. I was wowed that anyone could not have a really hard time with it, but alas these things happen. However, I shouldn't let this take over me and consume me. As so many people have said, its not all of me, its just one part of me.

Sometimes I think that if this is some trial for me, it might just be for me to survive it and pick up the pieces of my broken spirit, and make my life. Sadly there are thousands of kids who kill themselves over this. I certainly have thought about it, how it would be so easy to be done with all the pain. But I dont think its worth it, and its true that its a selfish act; you cannot see past your own pain and see the pain that you would be inflicting on all the ones you love. Unfortunately some people see no other way out. But not to worry, I won't be offing myself....

Another thing is that I need to start DOING things. I've become so inactive and lazy. Time to get off of my arse and move. I need to dig myself out of my hole. I've done this before. I'm going to do it again. Breathe.

Breakdown

2006-01-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in a nervous breakdown state. What does this mean, you might ask?

It means... I felt like walking in front of every car on the street. I felt like crying, and screaming, and running. But I was too tired. I wasnt psychosis. Though it felt like it. No, I didnt talk to God, and I didnt see monsters coming after me. I didnt hear voices in my head- well, not ones that arent my own anyway.

It was more like this:
"Anxiety is a complex combination of negative emotion that includes fear, apprehension and worry, and is often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, chest pain and/or shortness of breath. It may exist as a primary brain disorder or may be associated with other medical problems, including other psychiatric disorders.
Emotionally, anxiety causes a sense of dread or panic, nausea and chills. Behaviorally, both voluntary and involuntary behaviors may arise directed at escaping or avoiding the source of anxiety. These behaviors are frequent and often maladaptive, being most extreme in anxiety disorders."

Ah, I wont forget the depressed part: (I've Highligted in RED the commonly felt ones...)

Depressed mood, or
Loss of interest or pleasure.
It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with four of a list of other symptoms. These include:
Feelings of overwhelming sadness or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion.
A decrease in the amount of pleasure derived from what were previously pleasurable activities.
Changing appetite and marked weight gain or weight loss.
Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia or excessive sleep.
Changes in activity levels, such as restlessness or a slowing of movement.
Fatigue, both mental and physical.
Feelings of guilt, helplessness, anxiety, and/or fear.
A decrease in self-esteem.
Trouble concentrating or making decisions.
Self-harm or ruminating on self-harm.
Ruminating on death and/or suicide.
Reduced memory.

Want to know why? I am signed up for a seminar in experimental psychology class.... which means I am an undergraduate senior going to class with 2nd and 3rd year Cogneuro PhD students. I felt...just a TAD out of place and impotent and underage..... so I find out that I have to present two papers over the course of the semester-- two 50 minute presentations. (HOLY CRAP.) To all of you in the professional world, maybe thats not a big deal. But to me it is. I hate getting up in front of my peers, let alone those who are older and more knowledgeable in the subject matter....I left that class in a daze / trance, amazed at what I will have to do in the next semester.

Then I went back to my room and read the paper that I would have to present. Its on these two separate visual pathways to the brain...a ventral and dorsal pathway that go to the posterior parietal cortex..... it gets much more complex than that. So of course me being the smart person that I am, I decide to read it, see how hard and complex it is, and freak out more.

I called my sister who works here in the city and she took me to dinner at an excellent chinese restaurant. We talked and talked and talked....she made me feel better. This time she was a little easier on me. She told me "if you like guys, whats the big deal!? You didnt choose this. Its the WAY YOU ARE.... I dont see what the problem is. I just dont want you to feel miserable and never live your life. Do what makes you happy." She was great...she listened more this time. And i'm so glad I have her. Thank heavens for her.

I also talked to another friend of mine. He tries to tell me to empower myself, that I should stop making excuses to not make a decision about my life. I can't be stagnant forever. Poor guy, he gives great advice, yet I have to argue with him every time he gives me a logical course of action, or logical reasoning for the way I act. I suppose if I'm not going to make a decision anytime soon, I shouldnt waste my time being miserable about something that I am 'undecided' on...and moreover I have the power to control how I react to the things that happen to me in life. But apparently I externalize everything.... blah! I dont like trying to retrain my brain to think in different ways. Especially when they are difficult and force me to change. Its called learned helplessness.... we become helpless because it works for us in a twisted sort of way-- I am depressed and anxious partially because it gives me a reason to not do anything with my life. An excuse to rot.

I should try not to rot anymore.

Last Semester

2006-01-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I start my last semester of college. Wow. 4 years. It really does fly by. Of course I am worried about my future. Not only career-wise, because I havent decided what I am going to do, but regarding being gay as well.

I told myself that I'd probably tell the parents starting sometime this summer. Ha.... I dont know if I can do it. And my other brothers...havent told them yet. I guess my older brother wouldnt freak out too much, a lot of people suspect that its a possibility. BUT, he is ultra-liberal and he isnt religious at all...so that would help I guess... but still he is a guy's guy who loves football and hockey and guns. lol... easier said than done. We'll see about him.

Then there is the issue of my younger brother, who is still in his teens and in high school. Everything bad is 'gay' to him. Worse, I am so not close with him...we fight a lot, and I find myself being mean to him even if he tries to be nice. Sometimes I try to do things to be nice to him, to show him I care. But in our family its understood more than shown. Its hard to repair relationships that are so stuck in one groove.... like water trying to carve through stone, I guess it just takes a long time. I just dont want him to hate me, or think that I am disgusting etc. He'll have to realize a lot of things, and I dont know when the right time to tell him would be.

I'm still confused, still tired. But feeling much better since that last post. Thanks to everyone who has replied to my posts, I appreciate it.

Ugh.

2006-01-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

Today is a bad day. I woke up and I feel an overwhelming sense of crappyness. I have been going through some more emotionally confusing crap, and I really am tired.

Is there such a thing as bisexuality? They always say "bi now, gay later". Maybe thats true. But I've never hooked up with anyone. I'm 21. So its not like I KNOW either way. And I'm not some social-screw up with no friends and who doesnt know how to talk to people. I can talk to girls, I can talk to guys. Actually I talk with girls more easily, but of course on the fun friend kind of level. I just feel like I've been clinging on to this irrational / twisted "hope" that I'm not gay. And on top of that, I feel like "what if this is all a mistake, what if I am mis interpreting everything I see and feel...". And I guess I probably am not, but I feel like there is that ever present possibility that I am bi or not gay and so I fear I am making the wrong 'decision'.

The thing is: I dont want to be this way. I wish it were any other way. And something that I read in "El Veneno's" response in "On the fences'" blog struck me. He said he is 24 and never done anything with a guy. Ok, no problem there. He also said, "I've tried not to believe in the church but I cant not believe in it..."(or something to that effect). Well no offense to El Veneno... but that does upset me in a way. The thing is that I've never been wayy into being Mormon. In fact I dont like most things about the church regardless of their stance on homosexuality. I hate the pressure to get married, I hate how people are judgemental, and I cant stand the lack of diversity. But I always felt that I could sidestep those issues and just do my own thing, because I felt that it might be true, or because I FEARED that it might be true. The problem I've always had was not recognizing the fact that I dont agree with half the stuff they say in the first place, but that it MIGHT be the way things are, regardless of how I feel about them. Which, frankly sucks.

If I am gay because this is how God made me. Then what the hell kind of a test is that? I don't get it. Who would do that to their 'child', someone they 'love' unconditionally? Allow them to develop so that they have an attraction to the same sex, which is supposedly against God's entire plan. And then, on top of that, expect them to never ever act on that. And make it so that tons of people hate you because of your attraction. You know... 90 percent of people dont go through that. Everyone loses loved ones to death, everyone sees disease, poverty. Everyone experiences pressure of some sort, be it to feed themselves or to run a multinational corperation. Those are UNIVERSAL tests. But relatively few people, in the grand scheme of the worlds population are like this. And I don't think its fair, and I dont think its funny, and I think its disgusting that if God does exist, that he would let this happen to people. (I feel I can say that because he already knows that this is how I feel...lol). Have you read the blogs of my fellow gay mormons? That's a testimony of self-hatred times 1000. Is that what he wants? He wants us to be suicidal, and depressed? To feel like shit everyday? Its really okay that gay people should never be allowed to love someone of the same sex, when everyone else gets to love someone? I should just read my Book of Mormon and live off of the spiritual perfection, and forget all my sorrows, right? Well what about the guys who have actually tried so hard to do that, and yet they fail? I have been a pretty decent guy. I have TRIED to make it work, I tried to keep my faith. It hasn't worked. Where are those answers?

I am angry. I am tired. And I hope that when I die I get a damn good explanation for all this. I am not just a chess-piece in God's big game. I'm tired of being played like a pawn by everyone and everything around me. Checkmate.

Drifting

2006-01-12T13:46:00.001-08:00

I've just been floating, drifting along for the past few days.... I'm interested...well, sort of interested to see what's gonna happen over the next few months. My friend who also happens to be the biggest thing 'gay' in my life has gone to Italy for the semester. I will miss him very much. But it seems like maybe once he leaves, he will take with him much of my interest in the gay world.... does that make any sense? Maybe I am giving him too much credit and influence. Maybe I'm just pretending like this all comes from him and not from my own wants... but without him I wouldn't have met all of those guys back in december, I wouldn't have come out to so many people, were it not for the experiences I've had with him.

I liked him so much. I do still like him. I feel this odd sense of loss for the time being... I know he'll be back in may-ish. Oh the summer. When it will all get scary and interesting again. But you know what, maybe it was all happening too fast, maybe this is my 4 1/2 months of break. Before he wreaks havoc on my heart, on my eyes and on my mind. Soon enough I'll look into his blue eyes, ones that look like ice, and I'll be wishing he was mine, and not someone elses. I'm sure that will happen again...

I guess some changes will continue slowly... I dont imagine myself becoming closer to the church, thats for sure. I dont imagine myself pretending to like girls anymore, thats another change. Maybe I'll find someone new! Who knows, right? I feel like I'm walking in the dark again, except there is less pressure right now. Thats good. But I do feel nervous not knowing what's coming my way. I guess time will tell.

Best Friends

2006-01-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Before my trip, I was able to tell one of my very good friends, who I've known for years since high school- about my...preferences. She took it very well...rather, she said it totally didnt matter to her and that she figured it was a possibility anyways with me. I was able to update her about all the things that had happened to me so far on this, the beginning of a long journey for me. I'm so glad that she was able to listen and give me advice that I need. Good listeners are always great to have.

I also told her how I was afraid to tell my best friend who I've known for 15 years...I felt that we had so much history together. I felt too humiliated, embarassed.... because in high school it was this friend who always defended me, or told people off when they would be rude to me, call me gay, fag etc.... and then it turns out to be true. Thats why I was / am humiliated to tell her.

But then I got the courage to call her and arrange to have dinner yesterday. But I wanted to sort of warn her. So I told her over the phone first, so we both knew before we'd meet up. I didnt want it to be a surprise..... well. It wasnt really. But we ended up going to dinner and talking about it. I told her the whole story. How I met a boy over the summer who I was really attracted to....all that stuff. It was nice to tell her, now she really knows all of me.... and I feel like we are a lot closer. After the serious talk she asked me who I thought was hot in high school, and of hollywood stars... lol. We had fun, and I am more or less glad that I told her.

But at the end of the day, its always there in the back of my mind- the sadness, depression, guilt, regret, wishful thinking that my life werent this way. As much as I like telling her how I think Tom Welling and Ricky Martin are hot... I wish I could say the same for Jessic Simpson or Salma Hayek. lol. It's just sad that I feel like I'll never fully accept this. I feel so gyped (sp?), so ripped off. I always think that this is so not the life I asked for. SO not what I wanted. But I guess its what I have, and what I have to deal with. It upsets me a lot also that other ppl are more accepting of it than I am....... I dont know when I will be able to accept it and move on.......When does that finally happen?

Great Trip...but back to reality.

2006-01-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

I arrived yesterday back from my trip to a far away land in the middle east. I had SUCH a good time. I got TAN, I went to the beach several times, and had great food. I was able to stay with my cousins who live there. They really showed me around the cities and took me out EVERY NIGHT. I seriously went clubbing and bar hopping more in one week than I did in all of last semester of school. It was so much fun, and I FINALLY got to dance to some Arabic music. SOOOOOO much fun.

I also got to drive in another country, Illegally, lol since my cousin repeatedly got wayyyy too drunk to drive. So that was cool.

Now its back to the cold weather of winter in America. Back to worrying about my situation. It was great getting away from all that. All my worries were gone....and as soon as I landed in the USA, the worries were back. Just like that.... *sigh*. I wish I could keep on running. Maybe start over. I like to pretend like I could move there and that these 'problems' would never follow me. I wish I could run away to there, away from everything here....at least its always warm there.

Out of the U.S.A....FINALLY

2005-12-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am someone who NEEDS to travel. Well, thats exactly what I am doing today. :-D :-D Sadly, I cant even say where I am going, as I dont want to be IDed...... but I will say that its a very nice place, up and coming, rich as all get out and hot as hell in the summer. Thats why going in December/January is a good time to go. I'll be back after the new year... so to Happy New Year to all!

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T12:14:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas!!

I wish it was a nice snowy Christmas this year, instead of rainy and 37 degrees. This year my family opened up our gifts on Christmas Eve... which was nice... and then I got to sleep in, which was also nice. Then I went to church and that was okay...I did see a bunch of people I who are back from BYU, a select few that I actually liked growing up....anyway.... I guess it wont ever be how it used to be, but thats for another blog entry. For now..............

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

So much for the Christmas spirit....

2005-12-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

I've just spent a few minutes in the living room by our christmas tree. Just looking at it, smelling the nice scent of pine, looking at all the classy red decorations, white lights, the star, the nice gifts scattered around the floor.

And then it hit me. I havent felt the 'christmas spirit' this entire holiday season. In fact, like most days, the entire holiday season has been pretty miserable. Everything, everything reminds me of what I'm going through. Christmas. When we're supposed to celebrate christ's birth. When we're supposed to give, to appreciate our family. I find myself distancing myself from everyone in my family. I'm always mad or I'm always sad. I prefer to be alone, so I dont have to see them, so they dont have to see me and wonder if I am okay.

It just saddens me more. Because I used to like it when my mom would walk around the house decorating and wrapping gifts, singing christmas carols. Now it reminds me of all this. Which means I hate it when she does that. Its sad because I am supposed to be happy. This is a time when everyone is supposed to be happy. And nothing, not the shopping, not the food, not even the family has made me smile. I havent had a bright day, truly happy day in 6 months. And I'm tired of this.

Telling my sisters...what good did that do. I am not sure that it did any. I feel happy that they support me. But I am not happy with myself in the first place. I dont want them to have to support me in this. I didnt want this, I wouldnt wish this on the devil himself. Now I feel like its back to square one, where I hate myself for being this way. Where I can just suppress it and make it all go away. I dont have to be attracted to anyone. I can do my own thing.

One of my sisters really doesnt get it either... she asks me how I am doing by saying, "So are you over all your emotional garbage yet?" "Thanks for being so sensitive," I replied. What does that even mean? Its sort of rude to belittle something like this by saying that. On the other hand, I know she doesnt want to baby me and let me feel sorry for myself. Technically, I have much to be thankful for. But this seems to overshadow anything good.....

The other worries about me, babies me more. I feel that she understands that I feel like ashes every day. Spent, burned, tired, grey. She says it will be okay. But I have trouble believing that, because everything isnt okay, and it hasnt been and I just dont see when it's going to be.

I know on Christmas morning I'll wake up and have to pretend to be excited. Pretend to like the gifts more than I do, even if I love them, I'll have to remember to show it. I'll have to go to church and pretend like I feel that I want to be there. Pretend like it doesnt hurt me and make me upset. You get tired of pretending. I'm tired.

Decent days happen!

2005-12-20T22:13:00.000-08:00

Today I dont have that much to rant about. Keeping myself busy is probably the best thing I can do. I had plenty to do, and not enough time to do it. Ok thats not true. I had time, and I used most of it. Then I sat and watched Mean Girls on tv. You have to love that movie. Even my grandma was laughing when Regina George exclaimed, "How could Aaron Samuels dump me!? I was half-a-virgin when I met him!!"

I didnt think too much today. Its nice to give my mind a break. Its very nice. Soon, I will be leaving for an unnamed country, very far away (trust me, its sooo far and I am loving it!).

I'll give a couple of hints though-

-Hot
-Sandy
-Wealthy
-Small

Quote #2

2005-12-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

"Once every hundred years Jesus of Nazareth meets Jesus of the Christian in a garden among the hills of Lebanon. And they talk long; and each time Jesus of Nazareth goes away saying to Jesus of the Christian, "My friend, I fear we shall never, never agree."

-Khalil Gibran

Thoughts?

Other sister knows.

2005-12-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

This morning my OTHER sister, who didnt know about 'me' came into my room and simply asked me "whats wrong?"

She sat in my bed. I tried to ignore her, saying "nothings wrong."

"You dont eat, you're stressed all the time. Something's wrong and you have to tell me."

"okay. You really want to know?" *closes all the doors to the room*

I get back into my bed, and say, "What do you think it could be. Something that everyone thinks about me but is too afraid to say."

"What? what's so horrible that you cant tell me? Whats so terrible?"

"Well, you know what I am talking about, right?"

"No. tell me."

"Well, its just that, I am a certain way....I am attracted to certain people..."

"Okay? So you are attracted to guys? Big deal. You're literally gonna make yourself SICK over that?"

"yeah. well, its kind of a big deal."

"Not really, at most its a life's inconvenience. Think about it. If you are hard-wired one way, then thats that....I could really care less either way. And in fact, I've always sort of wanted a gay brother so it might be a blessing for me. (hehe)."

And so we talked. It was odd, because this sister and I have very different outlooks. She said she couldnt care less that I am probably gay. She said that it doesnt matter at all to her and that nothing has changed. The other thing is that she said that I can't sure until I try both. Unfortunately I tend to agree...sort of. I told her I am not 100 percent sure, but that most likely its the case. Girls just dont really do anything for me. I can be attracted to a face, but other than that....theres not much that wows me. The people who turn my head on the street, are guys.

I dont know why I dont feel some weight lifted off of my shoulders this time. I still feel confused. And the fact that she really doesnt think its a big deal sort of bothers me. How can she take this easier than I can? How ISNT it a big deal? I guess I should be happy, I am happy that she wouldnt look at me differently.

But she said I shouldnt live for the people on the outside. Stop trying to please everyone else, you need to do what makes you happy. But I've never done anything as far as relationships go... I cant let go. What if I hook up with a girl and I actually like it? But then what if I hook up with a guy and like it also? I feel like i'll never get to the point where I can let go enough to even bring myself to be intimate (even just a little bit) with anyone. She sort of confused me, saying, "I'm not entirely convinced, because you havent experienced anything with other ppl..." So. this time it was interesting. We have very different outlooks on life. We read poetry to each other and talked about things we think are true about life. I read her one by Jorge Luis Borges.

She told me she loved me, and that she'd kill me if I ever tried to 'hurt' myself. She hit physically, because I beat myself up over this when "its so not worth it". She is the kind of person who walks unphased by almost everything. The only bad things in life, are death, murder, rape, starvation, molestation.... everything else evens itself out.... She exudes confidence. She makes people dance around her, because she can and because they want to. Nothing scares her. She is confident that I'll find my way.

At least she has that confidence. Right now though, I am just sort of confused.

Need to control this

2005-12-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

I've been coming out to many people. Well, sort of. A large group of friends now knows, but these are not my closest friends, they are good friends though. Also, a few people that I talk to online, and of course, my sister. Its a grand total of.... about 12 people.

To me, it seems like tons. I guess really its not. But lately I feel like this whole this is snowballing into something I can't control. And usually I am in control of things in my life. I always have this need to know that everything will be fine. But this is the one thing I cant control, the one thing that seems to control me.

A guy I talk to online, a therapist by education-- encourages me to take control and make my own decisions in my life. He tells me to not let fear of repercussions of telling people that I'm gay control me. I should take control, take responsibility for my life. But I tell him it isnt that simple. I have a mom who is obsessed with being Mormon, and a father who, like most fathers, wont exactly be thrilled to hear this news about his son. HOW CAN I NOT BE AFRAID?! I ask. He says, "youre just diverting responsibility away from yourself, and letting the external be a control factor. You dont KNOW how they will react. But, whats most important is that really, you dont want to make a decision."

He's probably right. Why do I half want to push myself into this? Why do I want to "come out" to everyone? On the other hand, half of me wants to run away and never appear again. What happens after you tell the parents? The siblings? I can't deal with the unknown. I hate hate hate feeling like I'm crawling in the dark. They may all react well. Maybe not. Maybe it will ruin everything. Maybe I'm making this all up. Maybe I'm not gay, maybe I didnt try hard enough to be straight.... no no... you shouldnt have to TRY to be anything. You just are. Right? I'll never know, because I am too afraid to go after anyone, guy or girl. Though, when I think about it, even girls that I have "liked", I never felt that thing...lol...that you feel when you are attracted to someone. I usually just want to hug them and go shopping with them. LOL....

As Cher Horowitz (from Clueless) says, "I felt helpless and impotent. And I REALLY hate that." lol...at least I can laugh about that. Sadly, its exactly how I feel.

Thoughts?

Quote of the day

2005-12-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

This quote was given to me many weeks ago by a dear friend of mine. She found it on a starbucks cup.

"My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short."
-Armistead Maupin

(Incidentally, this quote made a big stink at a university in texas. Google it. I wont bother giving my opinion on such matters....)

9 1/2 things about me.

2005-12-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

This was inspired by protean's 99 1/2 things about me list. I am simply too busy at the moment (with FINAL EXAMS and PAPERS) to come up with 99 and 1/2 things. So here are 9 1/2. The other 90 percent are to come in the future.

1. I love smell of winter in Georgetown, walking by the townhouses at night on N st, when you can see your breath in the light of each gas lantern, with the leaves littering the floor.
2. I love the sun...especially tanning in the summer, when you feel the rays of light beating down on your skin, the smell of the mixture of the sweat, sunblock, and saltwater.
3. I hate the feeling you get when your're working with flour (while baking)-- ironically nails on a chalkboard doesnt phase me.
4. I love flying.
5. I love to dance, I love house music and any song in another language besides english.
6. I am tall. About 6'2" - 6'3".
7. My favorite designer is PRADA. Though I only have one thing made by them. (a SWEET Shearling & Cashmere Jacket...)
8. I HATE driving after it snows. (Makes my car all dirty).
9. I didnt sleep much until I went to college. Then I realized the beauty that sleep is.

1/2. I shower mostly sitting down with the water pouring down my neck and back. When I was a baby, we had a Thai maid who did this to me to soothe me. It works to this day.

Oh, this is a biggie. I spilled the secret- to my SISTER.

2005-12-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

So. After feeling as if I was really going to die. I was at a crossroads, a turning point, if you will. I have felt...dead...for the past 6 months. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel awake. So. It happened.

I told someone in my family about...ME... Yes. It happened. Two short days ago. Friday, December 9th, 2005. I guess its one of the many days that will live in infamy.

But here's the good thing: it went absolutely amazing.

You might ask, well, who did you tell?

I will reply, my oldest sister, silly! (she's not really Mormon anymore for her own reasons...more on that in another blog posting)

I was sitting here, in the kitchen, talking relationships and life with her. And then she asked me how things are going, asked me why I seemed down all the time. I didnt respond. My face merely drained of color. My heart raced. Should I tell her? Yes. It was almost too easy to tell her. Painful, scary, but I knew its what I wanted to do. What I needed to do.

So, resume imagining me (a medium skin tone) draining entirely of color....Silence. Looking like I am about to cry and burst and as if I am in pain. "WHATS WRONG!? Are you okay?"

"You know what it could be, dont you? I know you know."

*She nods her head*

*whispering* "I think I'm gay." (I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT).

"It doesn't matter! It's fine! It doesn't matter! You are my brother and thats all that matters, I love you forever and ever, no matter what." Those words wont ever leave my mind. We hugged, and I almost collapsed, my knees got weak. "Yes it does matter, it does matter." "No it doesnt."

She cried and cried, telling me how she felt horrible that I've been struggling through this alone, with no one in the family knowing... or being able to be there to help me. She said "I know people kill themselves over this, and if you ever ever do that I'll kill you and then I'll kill me, you are like my favorite. So no matter what you have to promise me you wont hurt yourself." We hugged again and I pulled her to the sofas in the family room. There is so much to tell you, I said.

We talked. It was great to have that outlet. An open ear, someone in the family, who I know I can trust. Someone who will help me approach my Mom and Dad in the future...someone who will help guide me and help me figure out what to do next.

She said she'd support me no matter what anyone else says. I can come live with her at her place if need be.

She also said that most people in the family essentially know.... I act...like a gay guy. I am def. not flaming, but you can tell that something isnt 'right.' I love to do my sisters' hair and primp with them in the bathroom before we go out, I hate working outside, I sometimes squeal when I get excited, all my friends are girls, I love chick flicks, I dress damn well, and I am not a jerk to people. But, I've never attempted to cover my sort of effeminate behavior with a girlfriend, or mentioning of how I 'want' a girlfriend. I've even hinted at the OPPOSITE-- that I'm not getting married and that I DONT want a GF.

Everyone suspects something, she says. No one will be surprised, and everyone will get over it eventually-- even my mom and dad-- so she says. These are words of comfort. Words I needed to hear. This possibility has been discussed before amongst much of the family, which sort of relieves me. (Its not like I have had a GF and was the star athlete, and drive a Jeep Wrangler with monster truck wheels.)

I dont know though what will happen when I actually do tell them. I am not expecting a cake.

But no one ever had the balls to ask me. If my mom came to me right now and asked, I'd cry. I wouldnt be able to say yes through all the tears, snot and wheezing. But she would know the answer was yes. I guess it makes sense for them not to ask. They are just as afraid of me saying 'yes' as I am afraid to tell them in the first place. Ignorance is bliss.

But for now, I will ignore the troubling religious aspects. Those things take time, and I know they take time to deal with. For now, I am so happy that she knows. She knows all of me. There are no more secrets. I have put my heart in her hands, just where I want it, just where it should be. If there is someone up there who blessed me with her in my life: Thank You.

Clashing, Running, Hiding....Help.

2005-12-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

So for the past 4 years since college started, I've been going to church off and on. I always made it my goal just to get there twice a month....you can tell I'm not a fundamentalist in the first place. I felt like its where I should be. I listened, I tried to agree with the things they taught..... fast forward to today.

Someone randomly calls me from my ward / congregation and tells me I just got assigned to be a home teacher (for all you non mormons, this is basically where you go and share a spiritual message with people in your congregation one sunday a month). First of all, dont they usually TELL you this rather than have him just call you up and say, hey, I'm with you now? Maybe they noticed I havent gone in the past month...... Anyways, after a very awkward phone conversation, I told the guy I'd see him on sunday to go to wherever we're supposed to meet.

I feel like this is all becoming too much. I dont want to go home teach to people when I have WAY too many issues with the church doctrines. I dont feel right giving people spiritual messages that I dont fully believe in or am even against..... *Panic*. How do I get out of this? I could just say, "I dont want to." But then they ask questions. And I dont want to explain why, to my bishop. There's no way I'm telling him about these struggles. I know what that entails, and I want no part of it. (Further It's my belief that these issues are between God and me, I shouldnt have to discuss them with a Bishop, who certainly doesnt UNDERSTAND.) I havent hooked up with a guy. So I am still in the clear there. But if I were to tell him, and say, I havent 'done' anything wrong, I just dont believe in this, and I want to be free to come to church and or leave the church at my own will.... what happens? If they try to do some sort of church court thing.... I probably wouldnt show up.... I think its very wrong to make people submit to that kind of humiliation.....I dont feel guilty for being this way. I didnt choose this. I deserve to be able to love people just like my straight counterparts do. Regardless, I havent done anything 'wrong' with a guy.......

See. This is all coming to a head. I feel I need to run away. Very fast. This is how the family finds out. This is the beginning of the end. I refuse to lead a double life. Or I REALLY dont want to. But I also dont feel the need to divulge such personal matters to someone who doesnt really know me, who thinks he can interpret what God really thinks, FOR me, and then supposedly force me to stay on this narrow path that leads to happiness...oh wait, happiness if you are straight and perfect.

Here's the other thing. I dont believe that Gay people go to hell because they have had homosexual experiences. Or that people who have sex out of wedlock necessarily go to hell. If thats the case then most of God's children who he 'loves unconditionally' will be roasting in the firey pits. I dont see how that is unconditional love. (Personally I agree more with protestant beliefs.....but thats another debate). I dont think anyone here on earth is fit to judge other people. I dont think its wrong to drink in moderation (My Dad, brother and half of my family (non-mormon) all drink in moderation). I dont think we have to get married to another mormon, or even BE mormon to get close to God. I think Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews and Catholics all worship the same God. One calls it Buddha, another calls it Allah. Why focus on the differences? I dont think this, or any church or religion is perfect.

The PROBLEM is, I believe those things for everyone else but me. I put myself under this microscope, this magnifying glass. I judge everything I do. Even when I dont even fully believe in it. Its illogical and it hurts me so bad. I am more tired than I've ever been. I have never once felt sublimely happy at church. Never even 'happy' really. I never felt accepted, part of the group. I never believed in one true religion, ever, since I was 8, even. I've had two 'spiritual' experiences in my life that I remember. I 'bore my testimony' both times. But I remember just having things roll off my tongue because I felt it would make others happy to hear it (my mom for instance). I dont know why I decided to go speak. I just did. But I said things that I didnt even agree with. BOTH times. I told people how I felt loved and embraced by God. I remember saying it, and not even agreeing with it while I said it. WHAT DO I MAKE OF THAT?

I am not here to bash Mormonism in particular, because there are many religions that are similar in their treatment of gays. There are some aspects of Mormonism that I agree with. But a large proportion that I simply dont....thats my situation.

I believe life is about who you are, who you love, how you treat people, and if you are kind and giving to others. I think its about cherishing the moments you have with loved ones, about loving thy neighbor, being courteous and helpful. Its about LOVE.

I want to run away. I feel like I might tell my sister. I know she loves me, I dont think she would alienate me or rat me out. I think she would try to help me. I feel like I'm running out of outlets. I dont want to ruin everyone elses life. I dont want to ruin my own life. My heart is beating fast, im anxious. I need out.

PLEASE, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me, ANYTHING, I am listening. I am desperate. I am begging.

The Irony!

2005-12-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

So, there is a very attractive boy in one of my classes.... and part of our class is that at the end we have a debate about the class subject matter....

So the class was split into two- and as luck would have it, he is in the large group that I am in. But there's more..... there are sub groups within the group. Groups of two and three. Well, as luck would ALSO have it he got put into MY group after I thought it would be just this other girl and me.... but the next day I come into class, and group lists were handed out, and what do I see, but "__john__ __doe__" listed in my group. I immediately flip out.... I actually have to talk to him.... so I did talk to him, and he actually knew my name, which was a surprise-- I was introducing myself and he got to my name before I did. But then when I was talking to him I was nervous and jittery. Couldnt talk right...lol... at least I was able to look into his eyes/ lock a glance with him when I talked to him. Very very nice eyes. Very nice everything, really.

The thing is, this would not be a big deal were it not for a few things:

-I think I have seen him looking at me during class.
-I think he has seen me looking at him during class.
-I'm sure he's gay as well. (I have my sources ;) ).

So I am sort of embarassed. Because now i have to talk to him. And he knows (probably) that i've checked him out in class.... STUPID STUPID STUPID me... lollll.... oops.

This is ironic because I foresaw this happening. It would only happen to someone as lucky is me. lol.... I WORRIED that this would happen. And then I was relieved. And then I was shown who's boss: Me, or Chance. Chance & Irony won.

"How do you do?" Shakira

2005-11-29T08:39:00.001-08:00

I just got the new shakira CD, and the first song on it is...Amazing to me. It spoke to me, as if she had taken the words straight out of me. I am sort of amazed, the song for me is almost an answer to my prayers in a way. Maybe a sign of understanding. Maybe I am reading into it too much. But, regardless, the lyrics are really great. Here they are....

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us

Give us this day our daily breadDaily bread,

daily bread

In cello et en terra fiat voluntas tua

Gloria Espiritui Sancto

What language do you speak

If you speak at all?

Are you some kind of freak

Who lives to raise the ones who fall?

Hey, would you tell me why

The cat fights the dog?

Do you go to the Mosque

Or the Synagogue?

And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger

And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK 'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

Hey, do you feel our pain

And walk in our shoes?

Have you ever felt starved

Or is your belly always full?

How many people die

And hurt in your name?

Hey, does that make you proud

Or does it bring you shame?

And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger

And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK

'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us...

Same Zoonoobee (Arabic)

Ya Allah

Give us this day our daily bread

... Ya Allah ...

Daily bread

... Ya Allah ...

Daily bread...

...Ya Allah ...

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us...

S'lach lanu (hebrew)

Give us this day our daily bread

... Mechilah....

Daily bread

Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory

Amen!

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so highAnd are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK

'cause we all have

And if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

... Will you forgive mine?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

And that's OK 'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine...?

Talks

2005-11-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a great talk with a friend of mine who 'KNOWS'. It was great to talk to her because she has been through this with 3 other guys (apparently). So, she really knows what happens, how difficult it is, and the inner struggle that this is. I have a few other people who know, but sometimes I feel like they just dont have enough experience with it, its just nice to talk to someone who can say, "I understand."

Anyway, I told her all about me being gay and even into the religious intricacies of Mormonism compared to Catholocism for instance. The differences arent that big (to me), but they are there. I dont know that she fully understood, but it was nice to talk. Its always cathartic to get it out... but at the same time I dont want to let it consume me to the point where its all I think about....ha, oh wait, thats already happened. I DO want to be more normal, in the sense of sort of accepting it and moving on, because I really am too tired to continue struggling like this, feeling horrible one day, the next feeling okay or even good. And then something else will happen and I feel awful again... its a constant struggle, cycle, whatever you want to call it. I am tired of feeling like I am dead on the inside, dead everywhere. I need to feel alive again somehow, and to pick up the pieces, as fragile as they are.

I d0 feel some success in that I can talk about it now with people and not feel completely depressed by it... yesterday being one of those instances.

In other news, a friend of mine invited me to hang out with some of his friends... all gay guys... and watch Desperate Housewives! Apparently they want to meet me... I mean, who wouldnt want to meet the most ironic person in the world? ;)

Lol, he was like, "it will be good for you to see that gay guys can be normal just like everyone else." And I think he's right. So I will probably go hang out with them because I should, and because the worst thing that could happen is that I feel nervous and uncomfortable for an hour. The best case scenario is that I make a few new friends who wont look down on me for being this way. But I know him, and I'm sure his friends are great guys as well, so I am sure I wont be uncomfortable around them.

Marriage, Happiness, and I am selfish. Great

2005-11-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish it would all end. Its really tough having few outlets... and even the ones who do know dont let me just TALK.... Today I feel particularly empty, miserable, sad....all of those things that no one likes feeling.

My mother apparently thinks I dont want my sister to be happy...because I dont share the same eagerness to have my sister married off to some guy (who is mormon, thats the only reason why my mom even likes the guy) who lives 1500 miles from us. My viewpoint is this: how will they get to know each other? Over the phone? Ooh, useful. And my mom is desperate to the point of "she can move to where HE lives if that's what it takes." "Do you think she'll be happy in the long run, alone? working? You arent thinking LONG TERM. You are thinking till 35, 40...."

"I never said I wanted I dont want her to be happy! I'm sorry if I dont thnk marriage is the only way to be happy. Sorry if I dont think women should have to pop out babies and stay at home with them all day. And then cook for their perfect little husbands at 6 pm. Sorry if I think it might ALSO be fulfilling to have both a career and a family. They arent mutually exclusive you know. Sorry If I dont think my sister should have to MOVE 1500 miles away to find a husband."

Sorry if I dont want my sister to end up like you mom, Married with 5 kids and chronically depressed..... wait, thats the only way to be happy?!?! Harsh. I know.

Apparently, I want my sister to be unhappy. Great. Way to make me feel wonderful. I will admit I am afraid of losing her, my closest sister, to this putz from far away... I wanted her to be there for me when I am old and probably single.... because I always knew I would be, and she always said she would be old and single and we'd take care of each other. This stupid guy ruins my plan of spinsterhood with my sister....lol. Yeah, and maybe that is selfish. But its sort of been my irrational, "make yourself-feel-better" plan for my life. But its hard for me to swallow all this craziness in my life at once......

But then the religious upbringing comes back to kick me in the head.
Of course it is the only way. Its the only way to have a family. To have a significant other for the rest of your life. Adam & Eve. Not Adam & Steve..... do I really want to grow old with another man? Do i want to grow old with anyone? Do I just want to roll over and die right now? yes. How bad do you want to be dead right now? Pretty badly....

Now that my rant is over. No idea if that made any sense....... I'm off to blare madonna in my car.

Tired yet thankful....

2005-11-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

Its 12:38 right now.... thanksgiving day has arrived!

So what am I thankful for?

-First and foremost, my Family, who I love so much and with all of my heart. I love the time that I spend with them although I probably dont show it enough. But me and my sisters & brothers each have a unique dynamic that I love. I love my parents so much, although sometimes they drive me crazy, and although they probably think I am a ungrateful kid at times. My grandmothers who I love to see and hug, Im so glad they've been able to watch me grow up. My aunts, uncles and cousins with whom I've been able to talk and get to know over the years.

-My friends, who support me every day. They are the ones who know about my struggles. They often dont know what to say, but at least they listen, at least they offer me the best advice they can give. I am so thankful for "A"- one particular friend who is always there when I need her....a friend who drives me crazy, but one who I feel my life would be very incomplete without!

-I'm thankful for my health (Hopefully I'll keep it for the future....)

-My opportunities to study and progress towards my career goals.

-I'm thankful for my dog & cat :) .

-The sunrise.

-Madonna's new CD ;)

-Someone's blue eyes.

-Harry Potter

-The beach...... & the sun at the beach :-D

Those are just the beginning of the very long list of things I am thankful for.

Sadly, I worry everyday that I will lose all of the things that I value and treasure so much, because of the way I am...b/c of changes if the find out... Whatever. Maybe I should just be thankful for those things, and stop worrying for five minutes..... yeah, thats what I'll try to do.

Everyday Confusion.

2005-11-22T00:45:00.000-08:00

I hate this. Everyday I walk around, looking at all the beautiful people... and everytime I look at a girl, I have this deep inner hope that I'll find one of them attractive in that way.... Sadly it never seems to be like that. Sometimes I'll see a beautiful girl, my eye might even be drawn to her. But it never travels up and down. Its always wow, she has a beautiful face. And to be drawn to a woman, she has to look like a supermodel. Im talking Giselle Bundchen or Yamila Diaz... with guys its... Wow, he's got a gorgeous face and a hot body. Plus I am attracted to REAL guys...ones who DONT look like supermodels. But, I'm tired of always questioning my attractions. Sometimes I get so disgusted with this questioning that its like I shut it all off. I suppose I suppress all my attractions when it gets to be too much. Everyone I talk to is just like, ACCEPT IT! Move on with your life.

Doesnt it seem plausible that I would be interested in persuing a relationship with a woman if I were ACTUALLY attracted to women? I've had many an opportunity...with girls who are, frankly jaw-droppingly beautiful. Zero interest. I always wondered why I never thought it would be hard to not have sex or do other things that the church doesnt approve of, when it comes to women....

Then I think to myself, well what if I am bisexual or something? I dont even believe in bisexuality!! (this is based both on my study of psychology and of my own experiences.) What if, because i've never REALLY hooked up with a girl, I just dont know what I am missing. Then comes the cycle of crazy thoughts, worrying if its all a mistake, maybe Im NOT attracted to guys......................*breathe*.

But then, there is one particular guy who sort of 'outed' me, last summer... Nothing 'happened' between us, but we are still friends. I told him timing was bad, that I was interested/attracted to him, but certainly nowhere ready to have a dating / more serious relationship with him. But its all different with him....I would love to experience a real kiss with him. I would love to cuddle with him, lay my head on his chest for hours at a time....Who knows what else :-O . I look into his GORGEOUS eyes--eyes like Ice, like Angel's Eyes.... and its a whole different world there..... ANYWAYS. Its an emotional attachment I've never had. So I guess THAT is what really means something.... (how embarassing would it be if he somehow comes across this??? LOL).

Its just hard to constantly try and "be myself", when so many facets of my life tell me NOT to be myself. They tell me to go back, to retreat into the safety of 'heterosexuality'.... Its this daily battle, a daily struggle. And its really taking its toll.

And for those of you who actually read to the end of this post, thank you.

Bad Day, Psychology, Rants and Raves.

2005-11-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

My days, for the past few months-- since July '05 or so.... have all be up and down. One day I feel fine or good. The next day I constantly have my issues on my mind....here is a SMALL amount of what might go through my head every day.....

I've read about people who enter reparative/aversion therapy to try and 'cure' or 'change' their homosexual 'tendencies'. I dont know whether or not the church officially endorses such therapies, probably not, but I do know that they have been recommended for some Gay people. As someone studying psychology, I know the dangers of thinking that you can change something as deeply rooted as sexual orientation. This kind of therapy is DANGEROUS and it is irresponsible, and in my opionion, sinful and wrong to force someone through something as traumatic as reparative therapy.... Current psychological literature seems to indicate, more than anything, a genetic / brain structure theory regarding homosexuality. Ie, it is not learned, its not due to weak father-son & overly strong mother-son bonds. Twin studies show that Identical twins are much much more likely to both identify as homosexual, if one identifies as homosexual (this remains true for twins separated at birth, thus taking care of the 'situational' argument. If you have a brother or sister that is homosexual, it is more likely that they will have another sibling who is also gay.....it goes on and on.

Anyways. My point is, I dont agree with the stance of the church. But for some reason I cant let go of some of the beliefs, the teachings. I like many of them. I dont particularly care for the Mormon culture, but I am independent enough to ignore that aspect of it.....now if only I were straight everything would be fine right?

At some point, I'm pretty sure I will tell my parents and my family. I dont think its healthy to hide something like this. I dont think its fair to me, or my family for that matter. All I want is to be able to lead as normal a life as is possible. Its not like its a disease, its not like gay people act any differently, or arent the same person. Sexuality is NOT all what gay people are. We're people too, and I dont think enough people realize that. Gays are simply marginalized to just that; Gay. Thats all they are to most people, and everything that they say or do seems to come back to the fact that they are gay. I dont think thats fair, and anyone who knows a gay person well will tell you that they are people with feelings just like everyone else. So they are guys who like guys. Big deal.... thats how they ended up, and I feel its not right to make them suppress all that and pretend to be something they arent.

Notice how none of the people who make up such policies are gay. They have no idea what its like. Its easy for them to say, oh well, you have to suppress it, or, if you pray enough or are faithful enough, or get married, these thoughts and feelings will go away. I've read story after story that says otherwise...... and I think those people who are brave enough to TELL their stories to the world should be commended. What I think is tragic is men who feel pressured to get married, and then they wind up hooking up with other men on the side. Or having children and then coming out to their wives and children, and/ or running off with men who they love. I dont think thats the best option at all. In fact, I think its a bad decision, because you arent being true to anyone. Not to yourself, not to your spouse, nor your children.......

Can anyone here tell that I'm a bit frustrated / upset today?

Funny story....

2005-11-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

So I have a friend in one of the classes I am taking at school.... we dont know each other well, but we talk etc. Last week i saw her in class, and happened to excitedly mention how I JUST got the new Madonna CD (Confessions on a dance floor)! And how I put it on my iPod that same day. She looked at me funny for a second....and then out came the words...."Are you gay?"

*CRAP! CRAP! WHAT!? WHAT DO I DO?!* *Breathe*

*Just tell the truth*

My immediate response was to simply grin at her, and nod discreetly. She smiled, and assured me she wouldnt tell anyone, and I made it a point to tell her the BIG problems that would ensue if word spread around..... on our break, she told me one of her gay friends she introduced me to earlier on (weeks before this) saw me, talked to me, and after I left goes, "your friend is gay." lol..... gaydar is a real thing, everyone! Even though its not blatant with me at all, I do have my 'gay' quirks. And you know what...... they are part of me, and I love them.

Up and Down

2005-11-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, who actually lives outside of the U.S., who I "met" through a website (NO NOT a gay dating / chat website).... long story.

Anyways, we talk. He is gay too, and he isnt out to anyone except a few friends and his BF... obviously...lol. Its interesting though, because he is an Athiest. He thinks when we die, that thats it... we're dead and its all over. I think thats a sad belief system. But who am I to say he is wrong? For all I know he could be right. But then I go and feel like he has it so easy...no religion telling him that he's going to roast in the firey pits, or at best go to "heaven" with the 'whoremongers and liars and sorcerers' or whatever. I feel like if I were in his shoes, I'd march up to my parents, and probably tearfully, say, "Sorry guys, but this is the way I am. I hope you guys understand, I love you both more than words can do justice. And I hope that feeling will not change for either of you. Can we move forward now?" Simple & sweet.........

I feel like its all this weight placed upon me. And even if I didnt go to church or stopped believing in this, I would still always have it in the back of my mind, haunting me until the day I die.

If I had a belief system like that, I dont think I would feel so much pressure to not be the way that I am. Maybe I just say that. But I feel like thats the biggest thing holding me back. Or is it really holding me back? Would I also end up constrained by society, unable to tell my family and friends? Then I feel selfish and bad for even thinking that he has it easy compared to me. How bad is it for me to reduce his own sorrows and trials in life to being 'lesser' than mine....

He has a Boyfriend that he loves and what not... I am happy for him. But I dont know if I'll ever be truly happy. I may live afraid to put myself out there. Cut off from both religion and from love, because I am afraid of both. Its like I am doing a balancing act on a tight-rope, and things are totally not going according to plan. Nothing ever goes according to plan though, does it? I guess I should have expected that.

Anyways... thats the thought for the day.

Intro, A LOT Bit...about me.

2005-11-13T04:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a little bit about me. lol...unforunately I cant say much for fear of being identified...... Anyways. I am MANY things. I am a ethnically mixed person, who loves his culture. I am gay. I am Mormon. If there is one thing you can name in the world, I can connect myself to it somehow. That's how mixed I am. I am confused, often depressed, angry, or tired, always lost, and always questioning.

I always wonder how I ended up like this. Gay, Mormon, and partially of an ethnicity that isnt exactly open to homosexuality. God must have been busy cooking some other plans when he made me, because..... lol.... WHO ELSE ends up like this? I gather there are at least a million other gay mormons.... 12,000,000 members, 10-12 percent of the general population is gay. So....there are others, I know that.

But I want to know how they live day to day. I want to know if they are happy. I want to know if I'll ever be happy again. Or if I'll live forever as unhappy as I am now. Sometimes I think I cant take it, sometimes I want out. Death would be easier, I tell myself. But then I know maybe I am here on this earth to learn something from the way I am. To maybe TEACH something from the way I am. To be the best person I can be. So maybe I should stay. Depsite the fact, that I often see death's door as an easy way out. It looks easy. But I usually take the hard way no matter what. I guess my life will be a big challenge. Maybe that's what its supposed to be, right?

Its like I am the most "messed" up person on earth. (I use messed up in a very loose fashion-- if you met me, you'd probably never guess all of the things that I am divulging here, now.) Yet I have a personality, I have friends, I can be so happy, I can be so sad. Its like I am like everyone else. But then I am not. I am on the whole very well adjusted. I love life. I love so many things and people. But then I have this part of me that is unfulfilled, that is...wrong... that I have to supposedly suppress and hide. And I dont want to do that anymore. So.... day by day I'm trying to break free, and think for myself, think what I really want. What is really right. What I really need. What my family needs, or should know. Each day I think....every day exhausts me. But I know I should wake up again each morning, thanking my lucky stars for all that I DO have. Because despite my many problems, fears, desires.... I know it could be much worse for me...This blog more than anything, I guess, is about my journey through what will make or break me.

-DCTwistedLife

Alarm Clocks & Church Meetings

2005-11-13T01:13:00.000-08:00

Today's sunday. I hate Sundays.... because I wake up and always make a decision. To go to church, or not to go. Today my alarm clock went off at 11:05. 5 mins after the main session started. I opened my phone and shut it again. Went back to sleep.

I go about 50% of the time. But then I sit in church and I feel empty. I feel like thats where I SHOULD be, in an odd twisted sort of way. But at the same time I feel sad, like everyone is watching me, like I'd rather be almost anywhere else... I dont feel like I am welcome anymore (though I never did even as I was growing up). And the sad thing is that I havent ever DONE anything with another guy....truthfully I havent done anything with anyone.... not out of lack of opportunity, but rather because I was always afraid, or not really interested.

I am tired though, of going to church and thinking of all the things I dont agree with. Things that I've felt differently about since I was small, not just gay issues. But then there is this huge fear thats been instilled inside of me that says, if you make the wrong choices, there'll be hell to pay. And I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being alone.

It doesnt seem fair to me that everyone else is ENCOURAGED to love someone, but me, because of the way I am, I am not allowed to do that. I either get to be single my entire life, or be cast away / out of church for the rest of my life..... Polar opposites...no middle ground. And I am tired of that small-minded mentality. I dont THINK that its right, logically. I KNOW I didnt CHOOSE to be this way. Yet the church says I did. But then, who says God has to agree with me? Who says though, that that's what God really wants. I am simply troubled by the barrage of thoughts I have regarding ME and my church.... hard to reconcile the two. Hard? No, Impossible.

I guess I'll be afraid for a while longer...... any thoughts?