To My Beirut

I recently returned from a trip abroad. I went to Italy, London, and of course... Beirut.

I miss it more than I can describe.

We have a house in Lebanon. It's high up on the side of a mountain, and from it there is the most beautiful view one can imagine. You can see all of the northern suburbs of Beirut- Jounieh, Dbayeh, Ghazir. And way off into the distance, you can see the lights of Beirut, jutting out into the Mediterranean. From inside my house, we have sliding glass doors that lead out onto large balconies. But if you are in the right place inside... you look outside, and it seems like you are floating above everything.

I could stand there for hours. Maybe forever, and watch the cars move up and down the coast. I could watch, as the sun rises over the mountainside, and sets on the sea. here is a view of it at night:



As you can see, the view is quite stunning.

But it is not just this view that I miss. I miss the anonymity, the feeling of blending in with people who look like me. Olive skin, black hair... I miss the food, which I love so much and which stirs in me, emotions of my childhood, my youth, my heritage and my blood. I miss the Arabic music, and the amazing energy that is there. Its a different energy. I miss the resilient people, who have worry and happiness etched into their faces all the time. They have so much to worry about; living in a nation without stability or a clear future. But they live. They dance, they celebrate, and they say, "ma leysh" (its okay) and continue on with their lives.

There are fireworks every day in Lebanon. I can see them from our balcony. There are pristine beaches in the south, where the sun shines all the time. There is the corniche, which is lined with palm trees, walkers, runners, students, Lebanese, Saudis, Americans, and everything between.

The smell of the falafel and shawarma shops wafting in the air. The noise of the constant traffic that rumbles through Beirut without end. The constant boom boom boom of the bass at some of the world's hottest and most exclusive clubs. Rolls Royces and Lamborghinis parked right next to taxis that are painted four different colors.

Coming back from a vacation like the one I had - with my best friend with me - is like being thrown into an ice bath. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, sort of. And as I flew westward, I felt the stress and worry trickle back towards me. First as I was pulled away from the mountains and beaches of Lebanon. And then as we crossed the Atlantic ocean into the Americas.... and now I sit here, worrying about this and that. Wishing to board the next plane that hops the Ocean. Make it Paris, make it London or Munich. But after that make it Beirut......

But still, I'll miss the feeling of floating...from my house on the mountainside.

Lost! Part II

So, the reason why this song is so fitting for my current mood is because I actually do feel lost.

I've made many important decisions in my life, in the past few months. And yet I feel a sense of foreboding... like I maybe made the wrong decision. But I dont know. This feeling is mostly regarding my decision to pursue a Doctoral degree in clinical psychology. I think it's what I want, but I am afraid it might not be. And that is my constant mood lately- afraid. And I realize, I am always afraid, and always have been motivated by fear.

I've been really anxious lately. For many reasons... and it has perhaps affected my health- as I've been dealing with some bizarre physical symptoms that have not yet been found to have any clinical origins. (There is yet some testing to do). If this continues to be the case, the conclusion will be that my anxiety is finding an outlet by causing these various symptoms... yay for hypochindriasis. Just pray/hope with me that I don't have some awful disease. I'm not even 25, and I'd like to at least have my 20's (and hopefully the rest of my life- which should be long and prosperous ;) )in good health.

My question, to anyone who reads this and to anyone who might have some insight to my fears... is: how do you know when you are making the right decision? How normal is it to have doubts when choosing a career or path of education? Does it really matter? What happens if you make a mistake? Ok. So that was more than one question.

"What happens if you make a mistake?" That's a question that someone who is paranoid about making mistakes asks. I guess I have made mistakes in the past, but never big ones, really. I've lived a life of fear and anxiety since I can remember. Maybe its perfectly normal that I feel afraid since I am actually taking a leap of faith and deciding to TRY this program out. That in and of itself is not something I would see myself doing. At least its a great program (one of the best in the country). I am lucky that if I choose to discontinue the pursuit of this degree, it will not cause me a huge issue. It will be but wasted time. And that sucks, but at least I wouldn't be in the red from it. I really want to complete this degree- that is my goal- but I am afraid that I'll get into it and decide, 'you know what, this just isnt for me'. And then what? Back into the deep abyss....

I think its interesting that I choose a career path- clinical psychology- when I still have so many issues of my own to sort out. I FEEL like I should be perfectly balanced, perfectly stable, and perfectly perfect in order to take on other people's problems and to help them. To analyze and understand them. To be an 'example' perhaps. But perhaps not... that's not really what being a psychologist is about. But I guess it feels like it is, or that it could be.

Maybe its a perfect career choice. Look at me, look at how analytical I am. I sometimes think to myself- either this choice is going to fix you or break you. But maybe its less black and white than that. Lord, it better be... black and white thinking. Its one of the worst things that one can do to oneself.

No, I tell myself now. The world is still grey and foggy. And I am still lost.

Lost!

I am stewing on the meaning of a song that I've grown to like very much. It's called "Lost!" by Coldplay. As usual, their songs are emotional and beautiful to listen to. Here are the lyrics:

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

To all. :)

Ew

I feel nauseated. And I dont know why. Perhaps it was all of those sugar cookies that I ate today....

Where I am...Where I might be...

For some reason, I've been reasonably happy these past few months. It was odd too- because my happiness and content was punctuated relatively briefly with a period of unhappiness and uncertainty regarding my 'future'. This is sort of the only cloud on my horizon now, as well. In this I do not refer to what will happen after I die... (haha), but what I am going to do with the next portion of my life. So how do we explain...

I've graduated college and for the past year gotten a job at a psychiatric hospital near where I live. It was hard work, stressful to the max, and there was nary a day that I didnt fear for my life. I worked with 'at-risk' adolescents with severe behavioral and psychological problems.... then... I applied to many grad schools.... for a mix of Masters and Doctoral programs in Psychology.... I got into all of them... Columbia, NYU and more.... top schools.... and as smart as I apparently am?? (I really did not expect to get into those schools) and as much potential as these universities think I have... I freaked out and didnt accept admission to any of them. I decided to work more at the hospital and reapply to doctoral programs only this time around (for fall 2008 admission)...

Looking back, I cannot say whether or not this was a good decision. I was held back by the fear that I would be committing a lot of time and money to a graduate school education...and its not something to just jump into without a lot of thought. And here I am... application time AGAIN. And that fear is back. The "what if I hate it" fear.... the thing is... I really like psychology. I would be good at it, and I'd help people deal with and hopefully conquer their issues- which truly is a rewarding job. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier going into other professions.... following one of my dozens of passions.

Life is fickle like that...you cant DO everything right away. Let it be said that I am quite privileged, and I wont have to worry about how I am paying for all this... ie- grad school. And I recognize and appreciate that privilege for the blessing that it truly is.......

But I want to be a Psychologist and a Pilot and a World Class Clothing Designer and a Fashion Photographer a Runway Model and a Family Law Attorney and a Painter and an Author. And yet I have to jump back into my skin, and choose just one. Psychology would be continuing my path. My safe path. Right now its the path that I am choosing- I am sort of going with the "I have to try it and see if I like it or not...." mentality. I guess that I must try it to see...so I know whether its for me or not. I am tired of feeling my way around in the dark....anyway, Any of the others would require even more time to 'reset' and 'relearn' so much that I did not learn in college...and they too require me to delve into the unknown- perhaps moreso. So why not go with what I know- and at least try it? Sometimes you have to just jump. Right?

I find it funny that people don't have this problem with great frequency. Though, I've learned that a lot of people are either A. less passionate about less things, B. more easily satisfied than I am, or C. dont see the world as a constantly changing field of what-ifs, maybes etc. In the end.... think I am spoiled or have too high expectations, probably, and just need to deal with the fact that I cant have everything. And I think that that sucks. But I also need to understand that life will not be ruined if I do not achieve every single thing I have listed above. I will be fine, and I can be happy.

You know, I even for the first time went and saw a therapist about all this. (Ironic that I didnt see a shrink when I was clinically depressed and wanted to throw myself in front of a bus...that whole gay-mormon thing is a doozy, it really is.) I thought that since I was overall happier than I have ever been- that I would be able to sort through my problems with a clearer mind. It turns out that I paid this lady 150 dollars an hour for me to talk to myself. No offense to you, Dr. so-and-so, but you did not help me. I actually vowed, after my second and final session to be a MUCH better psychologist than you were. At least you could have acted interested in what I had to say. Maybe interest is shown at 200 dollars an hour. haha.

In any event. After 300 dollars went down the drain, I realized that I really didnt have much to say to her. I felt like I didnt need her. My problems are apparently not serious enough- and my feedback was not good enough to warrant me continuing seeing her. So I'll save the money... a few sessions equals an entire wardrobe. lol. And as the designer-wanna-be that I am... clothes make me happy.

So whats it for me?

A Private Therapy Practice?
Captain of an American Airlines Boeing 757?
The next Tom Ford?
The Next Evandro Soldati (look him up, its worth it)?

I'll tally up your votes...... ;)

I wonder if anyone still reads this...

Well hello everyone. Its been almost a year since I last posted on my blog. Many reasons for this... but mostly because I had used to as a venting place for my then negative feelings and questions.

I am sure that most of you will be happy to know that I am in a much, much, much better place in life than I was a year ago. A year ago I was still struggling, still unhappy with who I was. Since then, I've really come much more into my own. I have made many realizations and let go of many fears that I have. What was the use of me dragging myself down with a repeated cycle of questions that seemed to go unanswered, that seemed to hold me back. Once I let go of those fears, so many things changed. All of my friends have noticed a positive change in me. They say I am more relaxed, more carefree, less 'blah'. Apparently I look happier and better than ever before... and I feel that way. I remember so often the issue of 'gayness' ...the whole issue, the religion, the life, the family, the future.... would swirl around in my head like this huge hurricane...

Now I'm not sure exactly what caused the change...but perhaps it was just time, perhaps it was meeting inspirational people like GayMormon, who helped me at the very least start to feel comfortable in my new skin. I made more gay friends and started hanging out with their friends, going out to gay bars/clubs. And at first that was really hard for me, because I felt like everyone was watching me, or that I didn't fit in because I didnt really drink. Now at bars and clubs I'm totally comfortable and I act like my stupid/silly self. I tend to bring my group of girls with me to keep the dirty boys (heehee) away from me, but I still have so much fun. I'm still shy when it comes time to meet new people, but improving slowly.

I think in my last post I talked about meeting a guy to kiss or something... haha, I finally found one... we met online technically, but one day we recognized each other at a bar in DC. We later exchanged emails and arranged to meet up... we went on a few dates, and he was a really nice sweet guy. Truth be told, he was a little quiet for me and I felt like I had to force the conversation along. In any event, I wanted to see where it would go...and after a few dates we ended up in his apartment. haha. You know what that means... remember that the embarassing secret of my life was that I had never ever kissed anyone until that day...and sadly I dont remember exactly when it was. Sometime in mid january 2007. He had had a couple of drinks earlier on in the night, but I wouldnt say he was drunk by any means. Anyways...we were watching TV and before I knew it I was making out with him. haha, it was very much an attack on me, and I was soooooo not ready. All I can say was that there was WAY too much tongue and I was totally overwhelmed. In my head all i heard was "shit, shit, shit, shit! Ok...what the hell?".... After a minute or two I got the hang of it. In actuality it turns out that I am the good kisser and he was the bad one...(other experiences have confirmed this). At least now that little box in the 'things to do before you die' has now been checked off. haha. So I've gone from never been kissed, to kissed. It was fun, but totally different from what I experienced. And regarding that boy...we continue to be friends, though the dating ended very soon after that.

So there you have it. I can breathe again.

I'm Ok, and In Search of a Prince

Well I thought I'd update this thing to see if anyone still checks up once in a while! Probably not because I am so inactive with it. In reality I guess I could use thing thing as more than a gay-mormon-in-struggle journal....

The thing is, I dont know how much I'm struggling with it these days. And I am not sure how Mormon I really consider myself. I feel a lot better about it all. The depression has, for now, lifted, and I wake up normal. I am not elated all day long. I am not depressed all day long. I am normal, I'm happy when I should be, and sad when I should be.

Having been through what I have, I really am so much more appreciative of the GOOD times. I used to long for times when I'd just feel 'ok'. And here I am. I am okay. I am OK! Which in reality is more than ok. Once you've felt morbidly (clinically) depressed for months and months on end- and then you switch back to feeling normal, the difference is simply huge. And now I can appreciate normalcy. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.

I am not sure why or how I have made this transition. I guess a combination of logic, time, and a little faith that God is better than what I was taught. That he loves me for me, and that it is indeed okay for me to live the way he made me. My life does not have to be one of misery and loneliness in order for me to avoid eternal damnation..... in fact, I dont think I have to suffer and play by someone elses rules in order to be happy. Sadly I've found that I'm most sad when I do that. I guess its time to try out another approach to life- which is called being as moral and upstanding as I can be, in all areas of life.

Over the past months I've gotten a job and have started the application process for graduate schools. I'll continue my original course of study- in Psychology, Counseling or Clinical Psychology...or social work (whew, 11 different programs in the works for me!).

As far as boys go... I've yet to find any to kiss just yet. One is interested in me, but I'm not sure if i'm interested in him- even though he is a great guy and hilarious. Attractive too. But you know...sometimes the chemistry just isnt there! So strange. I never had this problem with girls... I love girls. ;) When I kiss prince I'll let you guys know. Soon.

Its been a while...

Where have I been this past month and a half!?

Well, I've been doing a lot better lately. I've made a fair amount of progress in this whole thing. I'm not sure what I attribute it to... but it has just sort of happened.

I am not sure what I do and dont believe. But I am over feeling like Mormons are the only true church... In fact I always felt that whole sentiment was somewhat nonsensical. (ever since I was small...) But now if I apply that to my life, I can feel more comfortable with going forward, and not being afraid of being and living as a gay man.

I am less afraid. I am more confident. I don't really think its some horrible thing anymore. It is what it is. Why should I live my life in constant fear of going to hell? Why should I buy into the argument that this is some temporary thing, and that in the afterlife i'll be 'perfected' and become straight? That doesnt make sense to me, at all. Moreover, I simply dont agree with that idea. Gay is gay. Straight is straight. Heaven is heaven. If there is one thing I strongly believe in, its diversity. People, life, the afterlife, should NOT be all the same. We should be different. And I find beauty in our differences. I believe and hope that God finds beauty in our differences and creates diversity so we can find beauty, happiness and life in it. That includes gay people. I'd die another death (after I die the first time...haha) of boredom if "heaven" is the way its described in Mormon doctrines. I want the peace and happiness that they describe. But who says they have a copyright to that?

My views on life, on afterlife are much more open, much more fluid and less set in the words of books and prophets of old. These, to me, are mostly good examples of what people should strive to be. But I dont think that only one set of people have it 100% right. But look at Gandhi, look at, Mother Teresa, look at Princess Diana... Gandhi for one did not practice western religion. Do I believe that he will choose mormonism in the afterlife, or that he should have to? No, I do not believe that. I see truth and beauty in all people, as they were, as they are, and as they will always be.

Maybe I am trying too hard to be optimistic. Perhaps the church is right. But I dont think they are, and I hope they're not. And by gosh, I am gonna try to make my life work and make me happy, no matter what anyone says. There is no guarantee, no matter what experiences we believe we have, that we wont die and that will be it. We have to try our hardest to make the most of our lives, be good people, and leave behind us a good history of how we treat each other. That's what I know, and that's what I believe matters.

Relax

Okay, so I was freaking out just a TAD in the last post. I was literally having a meltdown. Its been a few hours since then...and I am feeling better. Sane, at least. I use this blog as a catharsis sometimes. I was very very angry, and I just had to get it out of my head somehow. As you can see...it didnt make much sense...and it was just a stream of consciousness style. Anyway. Hopefully I will not have to write one of those for a very long time.

Enough is Enough...

I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......

I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.

I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.

Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.

Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.

I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.

I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.

Tired.

I dont remember the last time I felt awake and really good during the day. I always feel tired. Last night I had a great night out...and I wasnt tired when I was dancing my butt off during the night. Maybe i'm just unfit. I am very thin...but that doesnt mean I am in good shape. Maybe I'm just sad all the time and I just dont feel it anymore like I used to. Maybe its a mix of the two.

I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.

I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.

A Poem

I cried for my life,
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.

How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.


I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.

I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.

I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.

I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.

And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.

And I laughed because it is funny.

The 99 Names of God

In Islam, they have a tradition of learning and knowing the 99 names of God that are in the Quran. I think it is a beautiful tradition, and I think the names and the meanings of the names are beautiful as well.

The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:

Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless


Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.

Now what?

I was away for three weeks...on vacation. I visited three countries, two in Europe and one in the Middle East. I went with my family, and we really had a great time.... I could tell more, but unfortunately I cant give a lot more info than that.......well, here's a couple of pictures that I took of some of the places I went:







Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)

Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.

Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.

As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature

As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.

So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.

Other Side of The World

Here are the lyrics to a song that I really like, by KT Tunstall.... nice words.

"Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away"

Marriage of Convenience

I found this article about Gay / Lesbian Muslims who decide to get married simply because of familial and societal pressure to conform. Actually, they specifically look for spouses of the opposite sex that are also gay / lesbian. This way no one would be left out in the cold in terms of sexual satisfaction- since neither would want to sleep with the other.... the point would be to remain friends.

I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.

I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...

Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.

At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........

Travels

I said I'd be back with details on my trip to the west coast. It was so much fun! I toured the city that I went to, and saw all of the many beautiful sites that are there to see. I did a lot of biking, walking and a little shopping. Small amounts of shopping is very UNlike me ;) I was able to secure free hotel because I stayed there while my sister's company paid for the room b/c she was there on business. Killed two birds with one stone! (however, the hotel was nothing special, and the location was in a less than savory neighborhood).

I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.

We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.

All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.

Summer Travels... etc.

Its been a while since I've posted. Two weeks to be exact. In the meantime, I've gone to the west coast and back. Had a great time! More on that later...

I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)

So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?

The options are endless and its killing me!

This is not my life...

I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.

And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.

I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.

You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.

Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.

And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.

But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!

Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:

"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"

In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.

My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....

To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.