I found this article about Gay / Lesbian Muslims who decide to get married simply because of familial and societal pressure to conform. Actually, they specifically look for spouses of the opposite sex that are also gay / lesbian. This way no one would be left out in the cold in terms of sexual satisfaction- since neither would want to sleep with the other.... the point would be to remain friends.
I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.
I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...
Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.
At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Travels
I said I'd be back with details on my trip to the west coast. It was so much fun! I toured the city that I went to, and saw all of the many beautiful sites that are there to see. I did a lot of biking, walking and a little shopping. Small amounts of shopping is very UNlike me ;) I was able to secure free hotel because I stayed there while my sister's company paid for the room b/c she was there on business. Killed two birds with one stone! (however, the hotel was nothing special, and the location was in a less than savory neighborhood).
I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.
We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.
All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.
I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.
We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.
All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Summer Travels... etc.
Its been a while since I've posted. Two weeks to be exact. In the meantime, I've gone to the west coast and back. Had a great time! More on that later...
I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)
So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?
The options are endless and its killing me!
I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)
So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?
The options are endless and its killing me!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
This is not my life...
I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.
And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.
I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.
You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.
Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.
And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.
But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!
Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:
"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"
In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.
My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....
To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.
And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.
I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.
You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.
Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.
And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.
But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!
Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:
"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"
In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.
My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....
To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.
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