Que Me Quedes Tu

This is my favorite song by Shakira, by far. It has a lot of meaning for me, and I have taken time to translate it as best as I can for you all. Enjoy.

Que se arruinen los canales de noticias
Let all news stations be ruined

Con lo mucho que odio la television

With how much I hate the television anyways
Que se vuelvan anticuadas las sonrisas
Let all smiles become ancient relics

Y se extingan todas las puestas de sol
And let all the rays of sunlight be extinguished

Que se supriman las doctrinas y deberes
Let all doctrines and works be suppressed

Que se terminen las peliculas de accion
Let all the action movies come to an end,

Que se destruyan en el mundo los placeres
Let all the pleasures in the world be destroyed,

Y que se escriba hoy una ultima cancion

And today let the a last song be written.

Pero que me quedes tu
But let me keep you

Y me quede tu abrazo
And let me keep your embrace

Y el beso que inventas cada dia
And the kiss that you invent every day

Y que me quede aqui
And that I stay here,

Despues del ocaso
After the sunset

Para siempre tu melancholia
Forever your melancholy

Porque yoooo, yoo si, si
Because I, I

Que dependo de ti
I depend on you

Y si me quedas tu
And if you let me keep you,

Me queda la vida

I’ll keep my life

Que desaparezcan todos los vecinos

Let all the neighbors disappear
Y se coman las sobras de mi inocencia

And let them eat up all my innocent excess
Que se vayan uno a uno los amigos

Let my friends disappear one by one
Y acribillen mi pedazo de conciencia

And let them murder my piece of conscience
Que se consuman las palabras en los labios

Let them eat their own words
Que contaminen todo el agua del planeta

Let them contaminate all the world’s water
Que renuncien los filantropos y sabios
Let them renounce all the philanthropists and wise men
Y que se muera hoy hasta el ultimo poeta

And today let the very last poet die …

Pero que me quedes tu

But let me keep you
Y me quede tu abrazo

And let me keep your embrace
Y el beso que inventas cada dia

And the kiss that you invent every day
Y que me quede aqui

And that I stay here,
Despues del ocaso

After the sunset
Para siempre tu melancholia

Forever your melancholy
Porque yoooo, yoo si, si

Because I, I
Que dependo de ti

I depend on you
Y si me quedas tu

And if you let me keep you,
Me queda la vida
I’ll keep my life...

-Shakira, Que Me Quedes Tu

Out to Brother.

Well this went well. I'll try and make it short for you all....

After the conversation I had with my mom (see previous post), later in the day, my Brother calls me, telling me that my mom had called him to guilt trip him as well. (This is common). We started discussing all of the issues surrounding her unhappiness.... and I started to ask him about his views of the church, why he stopped going etc. He gave his reasons, all of which I respect and many of which I could agree with.... then he brought up the issue of Mormonism and homosexuality.

"Look what they believe about Gay people. I don't believe that they're going to hell for living their lives, esp when they dont go out and choose to be that way..."

"yeah. well...." (this is where my heart started racing...and I figured, what the hell, this is probably the best time I could tell him about it.....)

"umm....well.... _____, I just uh..... wanted to tell you...."

"What?"

"....this isn't easy...but uh..... that's why I'm having a really hard time with the church as well...."

"huh?"

"that issue....thats why I feel I cant really go to church anymore....and of course I'm like humiliated and whatever"

"Why are you humiliated?"

"Because this is not what I wanted, yet I knew in the back of my mind this is probably how I am.... so many reasons."

.......Well, he basically told me that it doesnt change his views of me (and he placed his bets on me being gay anyways, so it was shocking that I actually told him, but not really what I told him.) . He said we are brothers and no matter what he loves me and thats that. Later on he called me and we talked a bit more. He asked me if I am sure, and I said, well.... right now I'd say im in the upper 90%-sure. He then said, okay well we can go to a nudie bar just to make sure. Then I said... "EW NO! No. I don't need or want to do that...." HAHA. He joked around a lot with me, and tried to make me feel better about it. We discussed the 'dynamics' of sexuality and he was very open and cool about everything.... ie, you're just wired the way you are and for some reason I dont think of women in a sexual way. lol....

I am glad that I was able to tell him, and that he took it so well. I feel that if I didn't jump on the chance to tell him then, I would have waited a long time....and really I know I should trust him more. I saw him yesterday and he seemed perfectly normal. I just dont want him to be weirded out...because...well, I just know how straight guys can be when it comes to homosexuality. When you dont understand something, you often become afraid or averse to it. Luckily it seems he doesnt really take any issue to it. Its times like these when I thank heavens I have siblings who are this cool about it. Bless them, honestly....

Giving Advice to my Mom....

My mother called me up, today unhappy about the way things are going in her life- rather, the way things are going in her childrens lives. She's sad that basically all of her children are not Mormon..... My eldest sister is currently on her way to visit a Mormon guy that she is trying to get her to marry.... big problem being that she lives here in the DC area....and he lives in Oklahoma. Not easy to start a relationship that way. Anyways, my eldest sister has been inactive in the church for years now... I don't know how many, and she just doesnt believe in it. My older brother stopped going to church 11 years ago, and is essentially atheist now. My other older sister is just spiritual, and believes in many of the principles of Mormonism, but she also thinks that a lot of it is a load of crap.

Then there is me, I have for the past 3 or 4 years, struggled with a deep knowledge that I am gay....all the while I attended church, not for me, because I never really liked it...it was okay, as it always was, but it certainly wasnt my favorite place to be. But I have tried so hard to make my mom happy, I don't want to fail her, I want to make her happy. But how can I continue this self-destructive cycle, only for her "benefit." I could sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life, I feel, and try to be in the church, only for her... It makes me feel selfish now, when I think of how upset she'll be if I tell her that I'm gay and that I just can't handle being gay and Mormon. But I also dont know if it would ever be enough. My mother has never really been happy, even when my Dad and the whole family were church-going folk. My oldest sister says she doesnt remember a time where my mom was truly happy.... and how sad is that? She has so much, we all do. We have a diverse family, we are big and obnoxious and crazy about each other. Luckily we dont have finanical worries. I dont know that my mom CAN be happy...she's on Zoloft, but I really havent noticed any change in her mood. I study psychology... I know then, that if the medicine is not working and its not a chemical imbalance, Depression is often caused then by maladaptive thoughts. The only way to change that is through therapy.....

Anyways, she was upset because my sister essentially told her today that she has no intention of returning to the Church...ever. My mom was saying, "I just dont get you guys, I think you guys are too spoiled, you think you dont need the lord anymore."

I said, "I dont think that's what its about. I think its that we were raised in a very very different environment than the average Mormon, and we were taught to be open thinkers. I guess we see some problems with church doctrines. And more than that, the church never made any of them happy. It's certainly not making you happy. Why would they stay with a church that made them unhappy? Religion should be there to make you happy, not to make you depressed. I dont think God is sitting up there wanting us to be miserable."

She replied, "Well its a big waste, no one goes to church, we wont be together eternally..."

Me: "Mom, where does it say - forget mormonism for a second- where does it say in the Bible that you'll never see your children and family again after you die?"

Mom: "It doesnt."

Me: "okay then... so personally I think its a scare tactic to get people to join the church. But I dont believe for a second that we wont see each other... I also dont believe that there is ONE way to God. Why would God bother creating or having all of these religions? He could just as easily have allowed for just one religion, and people would still have free agency to choose...There are three or four scenarios that are possible regarding death: one- Mormonism is right. Two, they are wrong and maybe we just float around after we die, and we are happy. Three, another religion is right and we are wrong. Four, we all just die and thats it. The point is NO ONE KNOWS. I'm sorry, I don't care what anyone says at testimony meetings, but they do not KNOW that this is the only way. They believe that they know. They can say they 'know' all they want to, but at the end of the day it comes down to faith. You need to be happy because youre Mormon, otherwise there's no point in following the religion. It should make you happy. Most of all, you cant live your childrens lives for them and its not your cross to bear mom! You think that X and Y family from Utah are perfect. What, do you think they're gonna be translated or something? Come on. NO family is perfect. Its an ILLUSION. They have their dirty laundry just like everyone else... and i feel bad for their kids because any of them who wanted to live differently would be totally ostrasiced. Where is the choices we're supposed to be given?"

Mom: "Easier said than done...if you ever have kids you'll understand...well... oh wow, look what they're saying on CNN about Hamas and the Palestinians...everyone's getting all riled up."

I guess she stops listening when she doesnt like what she's hearing. But I tried. I dont know what to tell her. And how can I go on like this, her thinking that I am more or less happy going to church now and then. When in reality the whole thing makes me miserable and I dont want to go. How can I place that burden on her, because she will take it as a burden, a cross she has to bear. How can I tell her not only that I'm gay but that I dont really want to be a part of a church that has made me sad for my whole life? I have tried to make her happy, and now it looks like I'm just going to give her an even greater fall. I dont know... I dont know.

A bucket of laughs...

You Know You're From Washington DC When...

You say you're from DC, but you actually live in VA or MD but are too tired to explain where. You don't consider exploding man hole covers to be an unusual occurrence. You know where the Pentagon really is but never bother to correct anyone about its location. When it takes you 45 minutes to drive 3 miles on I-66, 95, 395, 495, 50, 123, 29, or 270, it's a pretty good day. There are at least fifteen ways to get everywhere and you know which way to go based on the weather, time of day, current political climate, terrorism road closures, and whether you are coming or going. You pay more money in parking tickets in a year than you do in medical bills, college costs and rent combined. You know that driving through Georgetown, you will hear the music of the car next to you louder than you can hear your own. "I got stuck behind a motorcade" is a common and real excuse for being late. "Finding a parking space" actually becomes an appointment on your calendar. (E.g.. 7:00-8:00 Gym, 8:30-9:00PM - find a parking space, 9:00-10:30PM - Dinner reservations.) You've never once been to Wal-Mart and don't even know if there is one. When you say you're going to the mall and you don't mean shopping. You never refer to the 'Metro' as the 'subway'. You elbow tourists out of the way on the Metro escalators to "gently" emind them to WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT. Going to work early means being there by 9:00AM. You don't bat an eye at 500 politicians and businessmen in suits running like their lives depended on it just to catch a Metro that will be followed by another in 90 seconds. You call it Targ�t, not Target, and are well aware that the one in Alexandria is just a "tad different". When Washington National Airport is and will always be "WASHINGTON NATIONAL", not "Reagan National". You can tell by people's cars where they live and maybe even what neighborhood. You've claimed that there's nothing to do on a weekend night even when you have the entire nation's capitol to explore. You have the Metro map memorized, yet act like you don't know when someone asks you how to get to Metro Center. You meet someone else who says they're from the DC area and you realize they live two hours away from you. You notice that there's been construction on the same stretch of highway for the past 5 years and you've never see anyone working on it. You know you've crossed into Northern Virginia, without ever seeing a sign, only because your speedometer goes from 60 to 0. You know that Vietnam is no longer in the South Pacific, it's now been re-located to Seven Corners. The few times you have gotten lost in DC you have somehow ALWAYS ended up in Anacostia and every road out somehow leads back to Anacostia. You realize that I-395 is Northern Virginia's version of NASCAR. There is no such thing as North, South, East, or West on the beltway, it's just go "that" way!(Inner circle / outer circle) You go anywhere on the Eastern Shore, Rehoboth, Dewey, Ocean City, Skyline Drive, or the Outer Banks for vacation and everyone you meet is from DC Snow means rain to you Ice on the roads just means that you pay more attention to other cars, but still go 75 mph on the highways You can see the national cathedral from almost anywhere You know at least 2 rowers You know that Georgetown is NOT only a school You consider Northern VA to be in no way similar to southern VA You know which bridges to cross to get to Maryland or VA You actually know goes on in Dupont circle You can't go to Tysons Mall without seeing someone you know!! You have a few friends who don't know what their parents do...It's Top Secret government work. People don't ask you if Chevy Chase is named after the actor. You can harmonize perfectly with the alert for "Doors Closing" on the Metro 50% of your senior class went to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from DC.

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Quote. What a quote.

“There is much suffering in the world - physical, material, mental. The suffering of some can be blamed on the greed of others. The material and physical suffering is suffering from hunger, from homelessness, from all kinds of diseases. But the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.”

-Mother Theresa

Better

Since that last post, I am doing much better. Sorry for leaving such a depressing message...though most of mine tend to be that way, its very much a catharsis for me- a way of getting it all out.

I think I shouldn't expect to feel good so soon after all of this started. For many people this takes years. Everyone has different experiences with coming out- mine might just be more difficult...for me. I know a guy who told me that coming out for him was not really that big of a deal. I was wowed that anyone could not have a really hard time with it, but alas these things happen. However, I shouldn't let this take over me and consume me. As so many people have said, its not all of me, its just one part of me.

Sometimes I think that if this is some trial for me, it might just be for me to survive it and pick up the pieces of my broken spirit, and make my life. Sadly there are thousands of kids who kill themselves over this. I certainly have thought about it, how it would be so easy to be done with all the pain. But I dont think its worth it, and its true that its a selfish act; you cannot see past your own pain and see the pain that you would be inflicting on all the ones you love. Unfortunately some people see no other way out. But not to worry, I won't be offing myself....

Another thing is that I need to start DOING things. I've become so inactive and lazy. Time to get off of my arse and move. I need to dig myself out of my hole. I've done this before. I'm going to do it again. Breathe.

Breakdown

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in a nervous breakdown state. What does this mean, you might ask?

It means... I felt like walking in front of every car on the street. I felt like crying, and screaming, and running. But I was too tired. I wasnt psychosis. Though it felt like it. No, I didnt talk to God, and I didnt see monsters coming after me. I didnt hear voices in my head- well, not ones that arent my own anyway.

It was more like this:
"Anxiety is a complex combination of negative emotion that includes fear, apprehension and worry, and is often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, chest pain and/or shortness of breath. It may exist as a primary brain disorder or may be associated with other medical problems, including other psychiatric disorders.
Emotionally, anxiety causes a sense of dread or panic, nausea and chills. Behaviorally, both voluntary and involuntary behaviors may arise directed at escaping or avoiding the source of anxiety. These behaviors are frequent and often maladaptive, being most extreme in anxiety disorders."

Ah, I wont forget the depressed part: (I've Highligted in RED the commonly felt ones...)


Depressed mood, or
Loss of interest or pleasure.
It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with four of a list of other symptoms. These include:
Feelings of overwhelming sadness or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion.
A decrease in the amount of pleasure derived from what were previously pleasurable activities.
Changing appetite and marked weight gain or weight loss.
Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia or excessive sleep.
Changes in activity levels, such as restlessness or a slowing of movement.
Fatigue, both mental and physical.
Feelings of guilt, helplessness, anxiety, and/or fear.
A decrease in self-esteem.
Trouble concentrating or making decisions.
Self-harm or ruminating on self-harm.
Ruminating on death and/or suicide.
Reduced memory.

Want to know why? I am signed up for a seminar in experimental psychology class.... which means I am an undergraduate senior going to class with 2nd and 3rd year Cogneuro PhD students. I felt...just a TAD out of place and impotent and underage..... so I find out that I have to present two papers over the course of the semester-- two 50 minute presentations. (HOLY CRAP.) To all of you in the professional world, maybe thats not a big deal. But to me it is. I hate getting up in front of my peers, let alone those who are older and more knowledgeable in the subject matter....I left that class in a daze / trance, amazed at what I will have to do in the next semester.

Then I went back to my room and read the paper that I would have to present. Its on these two separate visual pathways to the brain...a ventral and dorsal pathway that go to the posterior parietal cortex..... it gets much more complex than that. So of course me being the smart person that I am, I decide to read it, see how hard and complex it is, and freak out more.

I called my sister who works here in the city and she took me to dinner at an excellent chinese restaurant. We talked and talked and talked....she made me feel better. This time she was a little easier on me. She told me "if you like guys, whats the big deal!? You didnt choose this. Its the WAY YOU ARE.... I dont see what the problem is. I just dont want you to feel miserable and never live your life. Do what makes you happy." She was great...she listened more this time. And i'm so glad I have her. Thank heavens for her.

I also talked to another friend of mine. He tries to tell me to empower myself, that I should stop making excuses to not make a decision about my life. I can't be stagnant forever. Poor guy, he gives great advice, yet I have to argue with him every time he gives me a logical course of action, or logical reasoning for the way I act. I suppose if I'm not going to make a decision anytime soon, I shouldnt waste my time being miserable about something that I am 'undecided' on...and moreover I have the power to control how I react to the things that happen to me in life. But apparently I externalize everything.... blah! I dont like trying to retrain my brain to think in different ways. Especially when they are difficult and force me to change. Its called learned helplessness.... we become helpless because it works for us in a twisted sort of way-- I am depressed and anxious partially because it gives me a reason to not do anything with my life. An excuse to rot.

I should try not to rot anymore.

Last Semester

Tomorrow I start my last semester of college. Wow. 4 years. It really does fly by. Of course I am worried about my future. Not only career-wise, because I havent decided what I am going to do, but regarding being gay as well.

I told myself that I'd probably tell the parents starting sometime this summer. Ha.... I dont know if I can do it. And my other brothers...havent told them yet. I guess my older brother wouldnt freak out too much, a lot of people suspect that its a possibility. BUT, he is ultra-liberal and he isnt religious at all...so that would help I guess... but still he is a guy's guy who loves football and hockey and guns. lol... easier said than done. We'll see about him.

Then there is the issue of my younger brother, who is still in his teens and in high school. Everything bad is 'gay' to him. Worse, I am so not close with him...we fight a lot, and I find myself being mean to him even if he tries to be nice. Sometimes I try to do things to be nice to him, to show him I care. But in our family its understood more than shown. Its hard to repair relationships that are so stuck in one groove.... like water trying to carve through stone, I guess it just takes a long time. I just dont want him to hate me, or think that I am disgusting etc. He'll have to realize a lot of things, and I dont know when the right time to tell him would be.

I'm still confused, still tired. But feeling much better since that last post. Thanks to everyone who has replied to my posts, I appreciate it.

Ugh.

Today is a bad day. I woke up and I feel an overwhelming sense of crappyness. I have been going through some more emotionally confusing crap, and I really am tired.

Is there such a thing as bisexuality? They always say "bi now, gay later". Maybe thats true. But I've never hooked up with anyone. I'm 21. So its not like I KNOW either way. And I'm not some social-screw up with no friends and who doesnt know how to talk to people. I can talk to girls, I can talk to guys. Actually I talk with girls more easily, but of course on the fun friend kind of level. I just feel like I've been clinging on to this irrational / twisted "hope" that I'm not gay. And on top of that, I feel like "what if this is all a mistake, what if I am mis interpreting everything I see and feel...". And I guess I probably am not, but I feel like there is that ever present possibility that I am bi or not gay and so I fear I am making the wrong 'decision'.

The thing is: I dont want to be this way. I wish it were any other way. And something that I read in "El Veneno's" response in "On the fences'" blog struck me. He said he is 24 and never done anything with a guy. Ok, no problem there. He also said, "I've tried not to believe in the church but I cant not believe in it..."(or something to that effect). Well no offense to El Veneno... but that does upset me in a way. The thing is that I've never been wayy into being Mormon. In fact I dont like most things about the church regardless of their stance on homosexuality. I hate the pressure to get married, I hate how people are judgemental, and I cant stand the lack of diversity. But I always felt that I could sidestep those issues and just do my own thing, because I felt that it might be true, or because I FEARED that it might be true. The problem I've always had was not recognizing the fact that I dont agree with half the stuff they say in the first place, but that it MIGHT be the way things are, regardless of how I feel about them. Which, frankly sucks.

If I am gay because this is how God made me. Then what the hell kind of a test is that? I don't get it. Who would do that to their 'child', someone they 'love' unconditionally? Allow them to develop so that they have an attraction to the same sex, which is supposedly against God's entire plan. And then, on top of that, expect them to never ever act on that. And make it so that tons of people hate you because of your attraction. You know... 90 percent of people dont go through that. Everyone loses loved ones to death, everyone sees disease, poverty. Everyone experiences pressure of some sort, be it to feed themselves or to run a multinational corperation. Those are UNIVERSAL tests. But relatively few people, in the grand scheme of the worlds population are like this. And I don't think its fair, and I dont think its funny, and I think its disgusting that if God does exist, that he would let this happen to people. (I feel I can say that because he already knows that this is how I feel...lol). Have you read the blogs of my fellow gay mormons? That's a testimony of self-hatred times 1000. Is that what he wants? He wants us to be suicidal, and depressed? To feel like shit everyday? Its really okay that gay people should never be allowed to love someone of the same sex, when everyone else gets to love someone? I should just read my Book of Mormon and live off of the spiritual perfection, and forget all my sorrows, right? Well what about the guys who have actually tried so hard to do that, and yet they fail? I have been a pretty decent guy. I have TRIED to make it work, I tried to keep my faith. It hasn't worked. Where are those answers?

I am angry. I am tired. And I hope that when I die I get a damn good explanation for all this. I am not just a chess-piece in God's big game. I'm tired of being played like a pawn by everyone and everything around me. Checkmate.

Drifting

I've just been floating, drifting along for the past few days.... I'm interested...well, sort of interested to see what's gonna happen over the next few months. My friend who also happens to be the biggest thing 'gay' in my life has gone to Italy for the semester. I will miss him very much. But it seems like maybe once he leaves, he will take with him much of my interest in the gay world.... does that make any sense? Maybe I am giving him too much credit and influence. Maybe I'm just pretending like this all comes from him and not from my own wants... but without him I wouldn't have met all of those guys back in december, I wouldn't have come out to so many people, were it not for the experiences I've had with him.

I liked him so much. I do still like him. I feel this odd sense of loss for the time being... I know he'll be back in may-ish. Oh the summer. When it will all get scary and interesting again. But you know what, maybe it was all happening too fast, maybe this is my 4 1/2 months of break. Before he wreaks havoc on my heart, on my eyes and on my mind. Soon enough I'll look into his blue eyes, ones that look like ice, and I'll be wishing he was mine, and not someone elses. I'm sure that will happen again...

I guess some changes will continue slowly... I dont imagine myself becoming closer to the church, thats for sure. I dont imagine myself pretending to like girls anymore, thats another change. Maybe I'll find someone new! Who knows, right? I feel like I'm walking in the dark again, except there is less pressure right now. Thats good. But I do feel nervous not knowing what's coming my way. I guess time will tell.

Best Friends

Before my trip, I was able to tell one of my very good friends, who I've known for years since high school- about my...preferences. She took it very well...rather, she said it totally didnt matter to her and that she figured it was a possibility anyways with me. I was able to update her about all the things that had happened to me so far on this, the beginning of a long journey for me. I'm so glad that she was able to listen and give me advice that I need. Good listeners are always great to have.

I also told her how I was afraid to tell my best friend who I've known for 15 years...I felt that we had so much history together. I felt too humiliated, embarassed.... because in high school it was this friend who always defended me, or told people off when they would be rude to me, call me gay, fag etc.... and then it turns out to be true. Thats why I was / am humiliated to tell her.

But then I got the courage to call her and arrange to have dinner yesterday. But I wanted to sort of warn her. So I told her over the phone first, so we both knew before we'd meet up. I didnt want it to be a surprise..... well. It wasnt really. But we ended up going to dinner and talking about it. I told her the whole story. How I met a boy over the summer who I was really attracted to....all that stuff. It was nice to tell her, now she really knows all of me.... and I feel like we are a lot closer. After the serious talk she asked me who I thought was hot in high school, and of hollywood stars... lol. We had fun, and I am more or less glad that I told her.

But at the end of the day, its always there in the back of my mind- the sadness, depression, guilt, regret, wishful thinking that my life werent this way. As much as I like telling her how I think Tom Welling and Ricky Martin are hot... I wish I could say the same for Jessic Simpson or Salma Hayek. lol. It's just sad that I feel like I'll never fully accept this. I feel so gyped (sp?), so ripped off. I always think that this is so not the life I asked for. SO not what I wanted. But I guess its what I have, and what I have to deal with. It upsets me a lot also that other ppl are more accepting of it than I am....... I dont know when I will be able to accept it and move on.......When does that finally happen?

Great Trip...but back to reality.

I arrived yesterday back from my trip to a far away land in the middle east. I had SUCH a good time. I got TAN, I went to the beach several times, and had great food. I was able to stay with my cousins who live there. They really showed me around the cities and took me out EVERY NIGHT. I seriously went clubbing and bar hopping more in one week than I did in all of last semester of school. It was so much fun, and I FINALLY got to dance to some Arabic music. SOOOOOO much fun.

I also got to drive in another country, Illegally, lol since my cousin repeatedly got wayyyy too drunk to drive. So that was cool.

Now its back to the cold weather of winter in America. Back to worrying about my situation. It was great getting away from all that. All my worries were gone....and as soon as I landed in the USA, the worries were back. Just like that.... *sigh*. I wish I could keep on running. Maybe start over. I like to pretend like I could move there and that these 'problems' would never follow me. I wish I could run away to there, away from everything here....at least its always warm there.