MERRY CHRISTMAS...
To all. :)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Ew
I feel nauseated. And I dont know why. Perhaps it was all of those sugar cookies that I ate today....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Where I am...Where I might be...
For some reason, I've been reasonably happy these past few months. It was odd too- because my happiness and content was punctuated relatively briefly with a period of unhappiness and uncertainty regarding my 'future'. This is sort of the only cloud on my horizon now, as well. In this I do not refer to what will happen after I die... (haha), but what I am going to do with the next portion of my life. So how do we explain...
I've graduated college and for the past year gotten a job at a psychiatric hospital near where I live. It was hard work, stressful to the max, and there was nary a day that I didnt fear for my life. I worked with 'at-risk' adolescents with severe behavioral and psychological problems.... then... I applied to many grad schools.... for a mix of Masters and Doctoral programs in Psychology.... I got into all of them... Columbia, NYU and more.... top schools.... and as smart as I apparently am?? (I really did not expect to get into those schools) and as much potential as these universities think I have... I freaked out and didnt accept admission to any of them. I decided to work more at the hospital and reapply to doctoral programs only this time around (for fall 2008 admission)...
Looking back, I cannot say whether or not this was a good decision. I was held back by the fear that I would be committing a lot of time and money to a graduate school education...and its not something to just jump into without a lot of thought. And here I am... application time AGAIN. And that fear is back. The "what if I hate it" fear.... the thing is... I really like psychology. I would be good at it, and I'd help people deal with and hopefully conquer their issues- which truly is a rewarding job. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier going into other professions.... following one of my dozens of passions.
Life is fickle like that...you cant DO everything right away. Let it be said that I am quite privileged, and I wont have to worry about how I am paying for all this... ie- grad school. And I recognize and appreciate that privilege for the blessing that it truly is.......
But I want to be a Psychologist and a Pilot and a World Class Clothing Designer and a Fashion Photographer a Runway Model and a Family Law Attorney and a Painter and an Author. And yet I have to jump back into my skin, and choose just one. Psychology would be continuing my path. My safe path. Right now its the path that I am choosing- I am sort of going with the "I have to try it and see if I like it or not...." mentality. I guess that I must try it to see...so I know whether its for me or not. I am tired of feeling my way around in the dark....anyway, Any of the others would require even more time to 'reset' and 'relearn' so much that I did not learn in college...and they too require me to delve into the unknown- perhaps moreso. So why not go with what I know- and at least try it? Sometimes you have to just jump. Right?
I find it funny that people don't have this problem with great frequency. Though, I've learned that a lot of people are either A. less passionate about less things, B. more easily satisfied than I am, or C. dont see the world as a constantly changing field of what-ifs, maybes etc. In the end.... think I am spoiled or have too high expectations, probably, and just need to deal with the fact that I cant have everything. And I think that that sucks. But I also need to understand that life will not be ruined if I do not achieve every single thing I have listed above. I will be fine, and I can be happy.
You know, I even for the first time went and saw a therapist about all this. (Ironic that I didnt see a shrink when I was clinically depressed and wanted to throw myself in front of a bus...that whole gay-mormon thing is a doozy, it really is.) I thought that since I was overall happier than I have ever been- that I would be able to sort through my problems with a clearer mind. It turns out that I paid this lady 150 dollars an hour for me to talk to myself. No offense to you, Dr. so-and-so, but you did not help me. I actually vowed, after my second and final session to be a MUCH better psychologist than you were. At least you could have acted interested in what I had to say. Maybe interest is shown at 200 dollars an hour. haha.
In any event. After 300 dollars went down the drain, I realized that I really didnt have much to say to her. I felt like I didnt need her. My problems are apparently not serious enough- and my feedback was not good enough to warrant me continuing seeing her. So I'll save the money... a few sessions equals an entire wardrobe. lol. And as the designer-wanna-be that I am... clothes make me happy.
So whats it for me?
A Private Therapy Practice?
Captain of an American Airlines Boeing 757?
The next Tom Ford?
The Next Evandro Soldati (look him up, its worth it)?
I'll tally up your votes...... ;)
I've graduated college and for the past year gotten a job at a psychiatric hospital near where I live. It was hard work, stressful to the max, and there was nary a day that I didnt fear for my life. I worked with 'at-risk' adolescents with severe behavioral and psychological problems.... then... I applied to many grad schools.... for a mix of Masters and Doctoral programs in Psychology.... I got into all of them... Columbia, NYU and more.... top schools.... and as smart as I apparently am?? (I really did not expect to get into those schools) and as much potential as these universities think I have... I freaked out and didnt accept admission to any of them. I decided to work more at the hospital and reapply to doctoral programs only this time around (for fall 2008 admission)...
Looking back, I cannot say whether or not this was a good decision. I was held back by the fear that I would be committing a lot of time and money to a graduate school education...and its not something to just jump into without a lot of thought. And here I am... application time AGAIN. And that fear is back. The "what if I hate it" fear.... the thing is... I really like psychology. I would be good at it, and I'd help people deal with and hopefully conquer their issues- which truly is a rewarding job. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier going into other professions.... following one of my dozens of passions.
Life is fickle like that...you cant DO everything right away. Let it be said that I am quite privileged, and I wont have to worry about how I am paying for all this... ie- grad school. And I recognize and appreciate that privilege for the blessing that it truly is.......
But I want to be a Psychologist and a Pilot and a World Class Clothing Designer and a Fashion Photographer a Runway Model and a Family Law Attorney and a Painter and an Author. And yet I have to jump back into my skin, and choose just one. Psychology would be continuing my path. My safe path. Right now its the path that I am choosing- I am sort of going with the "I have to try it and see if I like it or not...." mentality. I guess that I must try it to see...so I know whether its for me or not. I am tired of feeling my way around in the dark....anyway, Any of the others would require even more time to 'reset' and 'relearn' so much that I did not learn in college...and they too require me to delve into the unknown- perhaps moreso. So why not go with what I know- and at least try it? Sometimes you have to just jump. Right?
I find it funny that people don't have this problem with great frequency. Though, I've learned that a lot of people are either A. less passionate about less things, B. more easily satisfied than I am, or C. dont see the world as a constantly changing field of what-ifs, maybes etc. In the end.... think I am spoiled or have too high expectations, probably, and just need to deal with the fact that I cant have everything. And I think that that sucks. But I also need to understand that life will not be ruined if I do not achieve every single thing I have listed above. I will be fine, and I can be happy.
You know, I even for the first time went and saw a therapist about all this. (Ironic that I didnt see a shrink when I was clinically depressed and wanted to throw myself in front of a bus...that whole gay-mormon thing is a doozy, it really is.) I thought that since I was overall happier than I have ever been- that I would be able to sort through my problems with a clearer mind. It turns out that I paid this lady 150 dollars an hour for me to talk to myself. No offense to you, Dr. so-and-so, but you did not help me. I actually vowed, after my second and final session to be a MUCH better psychologist than you were. At least you could have acted interested in what I had to say. Maybe interest is shown at 200 dollars an hour. haha.
In any event. After 300 dollars went down the drain, I realized that I really didnt have much to say to her. I felt like I didnt need her. My problems are apparently not serious enough- and my feedback was not good enough to warrant me continuing seeing her. So I'll save the money... a few sessions equals an entire wardrobe. lol. And as the designer-wanna-be that I am... clothes make me happy.
So whats it for me?
A Private Therapy Practice?
Captain of an American Airlines Boeing 757?
The next Tom Ford?
The Next Evandro Soldati (look him up, its worth it)?
I'll tally up your votes...... ;)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I wonder if anyone still reads this...
Well hello everyone. Its been almost a year since I last posted on my blog. Many reasons for this... but mostly because I had used to as a venting place for my then negative feelings and questions.
I am sure that most of you will be happy to know that I am in a much, much, much better place in life than I was a year ago. A year ago I was still struggling, still unhappy with who I was. Since then, I've really come much more into my own. I have made many realizations and let go of many fears that I have. What was the use of me dragging myself down with a repeated cycle of questions that seemed to go unanswered, that seemed to hold me back. Once I let go of those fears, so many things changed. All of my friends have noticed a positive change in me. They say I am more relaxed, more carefree, less 'blah'. Apparently I look happier and better than ever before... and I feel that way. I remember so often the issue of 'gayness' ...the whole issue, the religion, the life, the family, the future.... would swirl around in my head like this huge hurricane...
Now I'm not sure exactly what caused the change...but perhaps it was just time, perhaps it was meeting inspirational people like GayMormon, who helped me at the very least start to feel comfortable in my new skin. I made more gay friends and started hanging out with their friends, going out to gay bars/clubs. And at first that was really hard for me, because I felt like everyone was watching me, or that I didn't fit in because I didnt really drink. Now at bars and clubs I'm totally comfortable and I act like my stupid/silly self. I tend to bring my group of girls with me to keep the dirty boys (heehee) away from me, but I still have so much fun. I'm still shy when it comes time to meet new people, but improving slowly.
I think in my last post I talked about meeting a guy to kiss or something... haha, I finally found one... we met online technically, but one day we recognized each other at a bar in DC. We later exchanged emails and arranged to meet up... we went on a few dates, and he was a really nice sweet guy. Truth be told, he was a little quiet for me and I felt like I had to force the conversation along. In any event, I wanted to see where it would go...and after a few dates we ended up in his apartment. haha. You know what that means... remember that the embarassing secret of my life was that I had never ever kissed anyone until that day...and sadly I dont remember exactly when it was. Sometime in mid january 2007. He had had a couple of drinks earlier on in the night, but I wouldnt say he was drunk by any means. Anyways...we were watching TV and before I knew it I was making out with him. haha, it was very much an attack on me, and I was soooooo not ready. All I can say was that there was WAY too much tongue and I was totally overwhelmed. In my head all i heard was "shit, shit, shit, shit! Ok...what the hell?".... After a minute or two I got the hang of it. In actuality it turns out that I am the good kisser and he was the bad one...(other experiences have confirmed this). At least now that little box in the 'things to do before you die' has now been checked off. haha. So I've gone from never been kissed, to kissed. It was fun, but totally different from what I experienced. And regarding that boy...we continue to be friends, though the dating ended very soon after that.
So there you have it. I can breathe again.
I am sure that most of you will be happy to know that I am in a much, much, much better place in life than I was a year ago. A year ago I was still struggling, still unhappy with who I was. Since then, I've really come much more into my own. I have made many realizations and let go of many fears that I have. What was the use of me dragging myself down with a repeated cycle of questions that seemed to go unanswered, that seemed to hold me back. Once I let go of those fears, so many things changed. All of my friends have noticed a positive change in me. They say I am more relaxed, more carefree, less 'blah'. Apparently I look happier and better than ever before... and I feel that way. I remember so often the issue of 'gayness' ...the whole issue, the religion, the life, the family, the future.... would swirl around in my head like this huge hurricane...
Now I'm not sure exactly what caused the change...but perhaps it was just time, perhaps it was meeting inspirational people like GayMormon, who helped me at the very least start to feel comfortable in my new skin. I made more gay friends and started hanging out with their friends, going out to gay bars/clubs. And at first that was really hard for me, because I felt like everyone was watching me, or that I didn't fit in because I didnt really drink. Now at bars and clubs I'm totally comfortable and I act like my stupid/silly self. I tend to bring my group of girls with me to keep the dirty boys (heehee) away from me, but I still have so much fun. I'm still shy when it comes time to meet new people, but improving slowly.
I think in my last post I talked about meeting a guy to kiss or something... haha, I finally found one... we met online technically, but one day we recognized each other at a bar in DC. We later exchanged emails and arranged to meet up... we went on a few dates, and he was a really nice sweet guy. Truth be told, he was a little quiet for me and I felt like I had to force the conversation along. In any event, I wanted to see where it would go...and after a few dates we ended up in his apartment. haha. You know what that means... remember that the embarassing secret of my life was that I had never ever kissed anyone until that day...and sadly I dont remember exactly when it was. Sometime in mid january 2007. He had had a couple of drinks earlier on in the night, but I wouldnt say he was drunk by any means. Anyways...we were watching TV and before I knew it I was making out with him. haha, it was very much an attack on me, and I was soooooo not ready. All I can say was that there was WAY too much tongue and I was totally overwhelmed. In my head all i heard was "shit, shit, shit, shit! Ok...what the hell?".... After a minute or two I got the hang of it. In actuality it turns out that I am the good kisser and he was the bad one...(other experiences have confirmed this). At least now that little box in the 'things to do before you die' has now been checked off. haha. So I've gone from never been kissed, to kissed. It was fun, but totally different from what I experienced. And regarding that boy...we continue to be friends, though the dating ended very soon after that.
So there you have it. I can breathe again.
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