The Future.

I have been SO busy with school work over the past weeks...this trend will continue for the next week. And then a couple of weeks after that, I will graduate from college...

...and then. My life will be at a place where I just dont know. And I am afraid, and I am worried, and I don't want to make the wrong decision... i have about 10 career paths in mind and in my head and I cant seem to make up my mind. For once in my life I dont have a plan. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been too tired, too anxious and afraid to make a decision. I would be good at almost anything I set my mind to... so why am I so afraid? I may or may not come out to my parents in the relatively near future. I may or may not apply to law school. I may or may not find a guy to date this summer. I may or may not apply to graduate school in psychology. I may or may not get a job this year.

What do I do
When I dont know
What I want to do?
I've forgotten
What I want
And I dont remember
What or who
I am anymore.

Still Here...

I shouldnt be writing this, as I have entirely too much to do. But I've been wondering as usual what the future holds for me.... I went to church on easter, breaking a 3 1/2 month 'sabatticle' from church. Maybe I have become, bitter, indignant, jaded. But going there didn't make me feel very wonderful- in fact all I wanted to do was leave. I wish I could go to church where I don't feel hated or where I dont feel like I want to change the whole belief system... I was even more upset on the inside because I made my mom so happy by going. I picked up one of my grandmothers (who isnt mormon) and she came along too. My mom was glowing about this all day. Sadly I just sat there and tried to smile for her, but not too much. I guess she doesn't know that walking into church is like being thrown into a bath of ice water. I just want to get out, I can't breathe, I cant listen, I cant talk, I feel uncomfortable. Whats more upsetting is how I feel when I get up to leave and so many people (church ladies- usually mothers of some of my peers) come up to me and ask me how I am, what I am up to these days. Many of them do genuinely care, and they probably like me because I am not like the other guys who are just...guys. I can talk with them, understand them, I am so 'sweet and sensitive' they tell my mom. Don't they get it??? I'm gay! lol. I feel sad because I wonder how they might change if they learned that very piece of information about me. I dont mind seeing them, because as people I like them much more than the men at church. I try to avoid the men, because it is with them that I associate almost everything negative. I have yet to meet one that I fully trust... So... thats my story with church. I still don't know what to do....even if I stopped going permanently, I feel the whispers of the doctrines of me being 'damned' in the back of my mind. Maybe I can change my scenery and find something more uplifting....

In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?

So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.

"I choose vodka. And, Chaka Khan."

Okay, so I havent chosen vodka, yet. Although given my situation, it sometimes seems like a nice resort. However, I will not shy away from Chaka Khan. For all of you guys who recognize that line- congrats. You've seen Bridget Jones' Diary, a hilarious movie about a woman who searches for love in all the wrong places, and who goes through some extraordinarily awkward situations. If you havent seen it, I give it my stamp of approval.

Now, what does this have to do with Gay-Mormon blogging? Simply that, while at a personal low, Bridget chose not to give up. No, she chose vodka. And Chaka Khan. Although I choose not to drown my sorrows away with vodka, I have no problem running away from them (as most of you know.) This time I will/have been using fabulous music to help me escape. My escape will surely be short lived, but an escape it will be.

Now since I see we are all stressed gay-mormons, I think all of us could use a little escape. You are free to add a little vodka to the mix, if thats you're fortee. I have nothing against it in fact. lol.

But, for a select few of you Gay Mormons- I will now make a few recommendations on some (rather gay) tunes... to hopefully get some laughs from you all. Laughs arent common enough these days.

Gay Mormon: You need some CHER, "Its in his kiss." I realize you do have someone to kiss.... so kiss him!

Elbow: I think you could use some Britney Spears "Boys"....cant live with them, cant live without them, says Mrs. Spears. The song isnt my favorite of hers...but the words should make you laugh (I like "oops! I did it again" though- a close second for you).

Foxx: How about "Vogue" by Madonna? I think Utah / AZ needs to be shaken up a little bit :)

Doktor2be: The choice here is obvious: Shakira... now what songs... "Hips done lie" is a new good one. If you're looking for more traditional - SPANISH- Shakira, then I'd go with "Escondite Ingles" or "Las de la intuicion" (yeah, I know what its about....but that doesnt make it a bad song!)

Protean: You have been hard at work in school. How about something crazy and fun. "S.O.S." by Rihanna. (I wont lie, its a personal favorite at the moment.)

El Veneno: How about some Gwen Stefani. I dont know of any person who hates her. How could you hate her? She is simply too cool. Provo needs a makeover with "Whatchu' waiting for?"

I hope you all enjoy the songs... or if you hate what I've recommended for you... take 5 minutes out for yourself and relax. Everything will be okay. P.S. I am not as flaming gay as I sound in these posts... lol... I promise. It is fun to be a little flamboyant though sometimes :)

Drama continued...

Last night, I decided to go out with a bunch of friends to a coffee shop in D.C. It was a good time. "N" came along (see previous post)... and she was acting funny, as usual. Momentarily happy, and then moments of sadness and glum as well. Very confusing to see this kind of mood swing take place within minutes, if not seconds.

Our time ended at the coffee shop (No, I did not partake of any coffee... just orange juice and ice cream...) and as I was getting ready to drop people home, she typed a note to me in her cell phone- "Do you think you could drop me off last so we could talk for a little?" My immediate and without hesitation reaction was to nod my head. INSIDE my head, I could only muster a "Noooooo!" Physically, my heart started to beat faster and I felt a little adrenaline pulse through my veins. What on EARTH could she want to talk about?? To my relief, she started to tell me about this other guy- "T" that she had told me about back in september. Mind you, "T" has some UNCANNY similarities to me. He is of the same ethnicity, he drives the exact same car (color and everything), and he is the same religion- "christian". She told me about problems she has had in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship with him...since he is Christian and she is Muslim (this is a big deal for her...), she sort of sees it as pointless to date him because she believes they could never be together. On the other hand, he doesnt see such a problem, and wants to be with her. That is basically her 'problem'.

I gave her advice that I have been giving to myself lately: stop trying to plan your life out so that it is perfect. Let it happen, let it fall into place. Be honest with yourself, be honest with him. There is no point unless you are honest. (I felt somewhat hypocritical because I havent told her about me being gay... however, I feel that I have reasons for not telling her that... I will discuss this more later.)

Now this is odd. Odd, because she has mentioned him once to me since september. I didnt know that he supposedly sent her flowers on valentines day. Also, she had mentioned ANOTHER guy she met while traveling over winter break. It just didnt seem like he was THAT on her mind. Otherwise SOMEONE would have heard something about him, right? I have spoken to several people about all this...and one COMMONLY brought up idea is that she may be making up "T". That is, T is not real. T is a figment of her imagination, used to fix past "mistakes" that she made with me. This is a possibility. No one has met him, seen a picture of him, or even heard his voice on the telephone. He is her phantom, it seems.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to tell her. Because maybe I am the reason why she is making this guy up. But what if he is real? What if WE are the ones who are imagining things? What if she is not as psychotic as EVERYONE thinks? Is that not ALSO possible? I know, she very well may be in 'love' with me, and doing all of this because of these crazy feelings she has for me. But I still dont feel like I am obligated to tell her, because it is a big deal, and because I really dont know how she'd handle it. If she does indeed 'love' me, I feel I dont have the heart to tell her. On the other hand, maybe its worse for her to think that there is SOME chance, however small...

I hope T is real. I hope T is real. I hope T is real.

That is my mantra for the next week.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question.

I have a friend, lets call her N. We have been friends for basically 4 years. The beginning of our friendship was a period where we 'liked' each other (this is before I even fathomed possible homosexual tendencies, so I guess I still thought I liked girls at the time...), but we had several differences and a rather serious outlook on relationships that seemed to eliminate any possibility of just 'dating'. I realize now that I guess I liked her for her personality, but even then I feel like I sort of tricked myself into thinking I liked her. Its all kind of a haze now, I do know I was never sexually attracted to her (no wonder I thought it would be so easy to never break any of the rules regarding sex and whatever...). Basically we decided to be friends, I thought that would be the best thing.

Well what a complex road that set me on. We became best friends and everything was great, until a mutua best-friend, V, got a boyfriend. N got very jealous of V, and I was stuck somewhere in the middle. N and Y sort of stopped being best friends, and V and I maintained our friendship. In fact, it grew stonger. When N saw this, she grew jealous and pulled away from me even when I put in an extraordinary (insane) amount of effort into maintaining our friendship. N never responded to my attempts, and then I decided enough is enough. I drew back. Then she realized she basically lost what she had once had (ALL by her own doing) and she tried to back paddle. Too late...

All of this set off a chain of events that made me see N's true colors, and N claimed to be very innocent all the while, she has been caught in some suspicious acts of trying to see who of the two of them I am closer with, and if I was talking about N behing her back. I have lost much, much of my trust for N.

N claims to be in 'love' with me. 4 years later. She told me this tonight. She told me that over a year ago, in another dramatic instance. But N cannot be in love with me, N does not know there is no chance. I am gay, how can 'my best friend' not see this?? I do not love her like that. In fact, the prolonged drama between her and I has driven me to the point of telling her that I simply cannot be close to her anymore, even as friends. I cant do it, I have been hurt too many times by her.

And I feel that I should tell her so at least she knows a part of why I act the way I do. Maybe she will understand better then. Maybe THEN she will be able to move on. The problem is that N is sort of a fragile person and she cannot handle any bit of information that is bad, regarding me. She is rather conservative and has said some very hateful things about gay people in the time I have known her. I dont want her to go crazy and at the same time to get very upset over the news I have for her. I dont necessarily trust N. I dont know what to do. But I want her to be 'over' me, and I want her to be my FRIEND without looking to the past which is now long gone...I am at a loss as to what to do on this one. I sort of feel like she 'needs' to know. But at the same time her past sneaky behaviors have lost her most of the trust I once had for her. Why should I tell her that? I dont know if she deserves to know, as it is something that I feel is a big deal and that I dont tell to just anyone. There are too many factors and too many thoughts swirling around like a whirlpool in my head.

Help!

P.S.: I was trying to keep this very short...the story is SO long and complicated. How do you roll four years into one blog entry?....