I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.
And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.
I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.
You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.
Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.
And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.
But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!
Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:
"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"
In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.
My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....
To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.
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8 comments:
I'm a single gay Mormon guy. I was a convert to Mormonism at 17; I came out at 38, 3 years ago, and stopped participating in the church. I think I understand some of your frustration. I loved the church; I believed it with all my heart, and had always been ready to grit my teeth and sacrifice myself to be loyal to the Church. I clung to the hope that somehow I would be able to "overcome" these gay feelings I kept feeling and would be able to get married. I had priesthood leaders promise me that I would be able to marry in this life, that I would get through. (But not all...one bishop told me to expect a life of celibacy)
But about 3 and a half years ago, I cracked. I had moved to a new city, and my new bishop decided that the answer to my "chastity problems" (masturbation and porn) was to put me on probation, saying I could not take the sacrament, could not pray or speak in a church meeting, could not hold a calling. He sent me to an LDS Family Services counselor; this man, well-intended as I am sure he was, was focused completely on helping me control the desire to masturbate and gave no focus to the gay feelings.
I slowly spiralled downwards, and the week of Christmas fell into a major depression episode. It was horrible. I didn't how I could go on. I couldn't feel the spirit, all I felt was terror and anxiety and despair and hopelessness.
In the months that followed, I struggled back upward. And I finally, finally confronted my sexuality. I didn't want to; I wanted so badly to be straight. But I finally realized that I was going nowhere doing that; I had to accept where I was.
I moved again, and didn't start going to church here where I moved. I decided I needed space to think, space to not feel I was someone else's battleground (in the battle between church and gay community). I did, three or four months after moving here, meet with the bishop. But he had no new answers, just the same old empty vague promises. But they didn't wash much with me any more, especially when I never heard these sort of promises coming out of the mouths of the First Presidency and Twelve.
I have gone through 3 years of working through things, untangling my feelings and beliefs. I have come to the position where I no longer believe in Mormonism as the "one true church". Certainly, there is much in Mormonism that I value, but I realized after a lot of research that too many of its truth claims are simply not true or are seriously flawed.
I have not tossed out all of my religious beliefs or commitments. I still believe in God and Christ, although I admit my beliefs are in flux. By I have decided that I am going to keep myself open to new ideas, to new thoughts, to "greater light and knowledge", to not pre-judge things but to seek out more understanding and to follow truth wherever it leads. In the result, I feel much more patience with myself, much less self-critical and self-judgmental; I don't feel always condemned, always feeling to measure up, like I did increasingly as an active Latter-day Saint.
I don't have a boyfriend, as much as I wish I did, and I often fear that I may never find someone. But I feel that the road I am on now is much healthier for me, much happier, much more peaceful, in the long run. And I feel the love of God in my life; I don't feel He has rejected me.
I hope that you can feel at peace too. I have had to work hard for it; I see a psychiatrist twice a month and have worked through a lot of things. It was hard letting go of my loyalty to Mormonism; being a "traitor" was really hard for me to accept, but I have come to realize that I was no traitor, and if anything it is Mormonism that has betrayed me and everyone else who has put so much faith and trust in it. I know you can make it, but I don't promise it will be easy. But the reward at the end is a much happier life, one where you can be complete, not divided, not hiding one part of yourself from the rest, not lying all the time to others in order to be accepted by them.
Anyway, I have rambled on long enough...I really should start my own blog...I hope that some of this has resonated with you. One thing I have found in reading your blog and those of other gay Mormons is that I am not alone in my experiences and feelings, and that has brought me a lot of hope.
mark
Um...I think I wrote your exact words from this blog entry a thousand times in my head. Are we the same person or can you read my mind?
I feel you...I completely know exactly what you are going through.
Thanks for posting that.
Very good post, no apologies necessary.
It's true, you should never apologize for your feelings--but can I just say, "OUCH!"
DCTL: Glad you hear you had a nice time at the gay bar. Which one did you go to?
Mark: Yes, you definitely should start your own blog. And start it with the excellent comment you left here.
Howdy, neighbor -- My husband and I live in DC, too, and I don't know if we've met. I'm not going to give you any advice except perhaps to pray, if you're so inclined. We've certainly found peace being two gay men married to each other, and I have no doubt it will be for time and all eternity (though I'm not LDS, my husband is, so I hope I can get away with saying "time and all eternity"). Whether or not you pray, please know that you're in our prayers.
What do you mean "comfortable" with my sexuality? And what do you mean by "happy"? I don't feel guilt about being gay, but I feel guilt about falling short of my own expectations of myself sometimes. So, I'm comfortable and not. Being gay is no cakewalk for me in my straight Mormon marriage, if that's what you think I think.
I can imagine how the very existence of someone like me--largely happy as a gay man in the gospel--could be bothersome if it makes you feel guilty like that's what you have to do or something. But if so, I think you're looking at it the wrong way. I hope my offering my story gives people hope for this type of solution if that's what they want--just like it seems Mark and Mike post their stories to offer hope of finding happiness in the options they've taken.
Take your pick, it's your life.
But my situation is more than to be described as "supposedly". It just unapologetically is what it is.
Once I learned that Joseph Smith conjured up "celestial marriage" as an excuse for his clandestine relations with 14-17 year old girls, its allure faded quickly. Don't beat yourself up for not living up to the mormon fantasy; it's all smoke and mirrors.
Love yourself and love will follow. :)
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