Relax

Okay, so I was freaking out just a TAD in the last post. I was literally having a meltdown. Its been a few hours since then...and I am feeling better. Sane, at least. I use this blog as a catharsis sometimes. I was very very angry, and I just had to get it out of my head somehow. As you can see...it didnt make much sense...and it was just a stream of consciousness style. Anyway. Hopefully I will not have to write one of those for a very long time.

Enough is Enough...

I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......

I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.

I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.

Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.

Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.

I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.

I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.

Tired.

I dont remember the last time I felt awake and really good during the day. I always feel tired. Last night I had a great night out...and I wasnt tired when I was dancing my butt off during the night. Maybe i'm just unfit. I am very thin...but that doesnt mean I am in good shape. Maybe I'm just sad all the time and I just dont feel it anymore like I used to. Maybe its a mix of the two.

I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.

I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.

A Poem

I cried for my life,
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.

How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.


I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.

I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.

I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.

I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.

And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.

And I laughed because it is funny.

The 99 Names of God

In Islam, they have a tradition of learning and knowing the 99 names of God that are in the Quran. I think it is a beautiful tradition, and I think the names and the meanings of the names are beautiful as well.

The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:

Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless


Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.

Now what?

I was away for three weeks...on vacation. I visited three countries, two in Europe and one in the Middle East. I went with my family, and we really had a great time.... I could tell more, but unfortunately I cant give a lot more info than that.......well, here's a couple of pictures that I took of some of the places I went:







Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)

Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.

Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.

As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature

As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.

So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.