I'm Ok, and In Search of a Prince

Well I thought I'd update this thing to see if anyone still checks up once in a while! Probably not because I am so inactive with it. In reality I guess I could use thing thing as more than a gay-mormon-in-struggle journal....

The thing is, I dont know how much I'm struggling with it these days. And I am not sure how Mormon I really consider myself. I feel a lot better about it all. The depression has, for now, lifted, and I wake up normal. I am not elated all day long. I am not depressed all day long. I am normal, I'm happy when I should be, and sad when I should be.

Having been through what I have, I really am so much more appreciative of the GOOD times. I used to long for times when I'd just feel 'ok'. And here I am. I am okay. I am OK! Which in reality is more than ok. Once you've felt morbidly (clinically) depressed for months and months on end- and then you switch back to feeling normal, the difference is simply huge. And now I can appreciate normalcy. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.

I am not sure why or how I have made this transition. I guess a combination of logic, time, and a little faith that God is better than what I was taught. That he loves me for me, and that it is indeed okay for me to live the way he made me. My life does not have to be one of misery and loneliness in order for me to avoid eternal damnation..... in fact, I dont think I have to suffer and play by someone elses rules in order to be happy. Sadly I've found that I'm most sad when I do that. I guess its time to try out another approach to life- which is called being as moral and upstanding as I can be, in all areas of life.

Over the past months I've gotten a job and have started the application process for graduate schools. I'll continue my original course of study- in Psychology, Counseling or Clinical Psychology...or social work (whew, 11 different programs in the works for me!).

As far as boys go... I've yet to find any to kiss just yet. One is interested in me, but I'm not sure if i'm interested in him- even though he is a great guy and hilarious. Attractive too. But you know...sometimes the chemistry just isnt there! So strange. I never had this problem with girls... I love girls. ;) When I kiss prince I'll let you guys know. Soon.