Well I thought I'd update this thing to see if anyone still checks up once in a while! Probably not because I am so inactive with it. In reality I guess I could use thing thing as more than a gay-mormon-in-struggle journal....
The thing is, I dont know how much I'm struggling with it these days. And I am not sure how Mormon I really consider myself. I feel a lot better about it all. The depression has, for now, lifted, and I wake up normal. I am not elated all day long. I am not depressed all day long. I am normal, I'm happy when I should be, and sad when I should be.
Having been through what I have, I really am so much more appreciative of the GOOD times. I used to long for times when I'd just feel 'ok'. And here I am. I am okay. I am OK! Which in reality is more than ok. Once you've felt morbidly (clinically) depressed for months and months on end- and then you switch back to feeling normal, the difference is simply huge. And now I can appreciate normalcy. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.
I am not sure why or how I have made this transition. I guess a combination of logic, time, and a little faith that God is better than what I was taught. That he loves me for me, and that it is indeed okay for me to live the way he made me. My life does not have to be one of misery and loneliness in order for me to avoid eternal damnation..... in fact, I dont think I have to suffer and play by someone elses rules in order to be happy. Sadly I've found that I'm most sad when I do that. I guess its time to try out another approach to life- which is called being as moral and upstanding as I can be, in all areas of life.
Over the past months I've gotten a job and have started the application process for graduate schools. I'll continue my original course of study- in Psychology, Counseling or Clinical Psychology...or social work (whew, 11 different programs in the works for me!).
As far as boys go... I've yet to find any to kiss just yet. One is interested in me, but I'm not sure if i'm interested in him- even though he is a great guy and hilarious. Attractive too. But you know...sometimes the chemistry just isnt there! So strange. I never had this problem with girls... I love girls. ;) When I kiss prince I'll let you guys know. Soon.
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Hi. I have a sister who is a Mormon (I'm an agnostic) and she's going through a similar kind of thing to what you have all your gay life. She has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a very serious illness that keeps her bedridden most of the time. (She becomes not only very fatigued if she stands up, but in pain all over her body, among other things.) Anyway, her church has very deliberately turned it's back on her. No one will talk to her in the church, including her bishop. They all have decided, via a whispering campaign, that she is just just lazy, which is nuts, knowing her. To have that on top of her illness has made living just about unbearable for her. If it was me, it would clue me in right away that there is something seriously wrong with this church, and I would leave it for another. Whether or not it's founder claimed all other denominations are works of the devil or not. They all claim to worship the same god. In reading your posting above I was interested to see that you seem to be close to jumping ship, or at least seeing the possibility of it. Good for you. No organization has the right to lay claim like that on a person's life and very personal soul.
Glad to see you're doing OK, DC Twisted.
You are very interesting. I'm happy for you, and I am fascinated with your new outlook on life. I look forward to reading more good things about the new mindset.
I'm glad to see you back
Yeah, welcome back. I lok forward to your journey. I hope you find a good guy to kiss soon.
I will recommend you to all my friends!
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Looks like the last two posts have been spamination! Woohoo!
I'm glad that the cloud of depression has lifted. That bugger's AWFUL. I wish mine would lift as much as yours seems to have.
As for kissing a boy, or moving forward at all, Scot made a great post, and I think it has use for us all. The two-parter can be found here
and here.
Here's to hoping you do find someone that makes you feel your best-self!
Keep us posted ... nothing's making you keep this blog on one topic.
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