Where I am...Where I might be...

For some reason, I've been reasonably happy these past few months. It was odd too- because my happiness and content was punctuated relatively briefly with a period of unhappiness and uncertainty regarding my 'future'. This is sort of the only cloud on my horizon now, as well. In this I do not refer to what will happen after I die... (haha), but what I am going to do with the next portion of my life. So how do we explain...

I've graduated college and for the past year gotten a job at a psychiatric hospital near where I live. It was hard work, stressful to the max, and there was nary a day that I didnt fear for my life. I worked with 'at-risk' adolescents with severe behavioral and psychological problems.... then... I applied to many grad schools.... for a mix of Masters and Doctoral programs in Psychology.... I got into all of them... Columbia, NYU and more.... top schools.... and as smart as I apparently am?? (I really did not expect to get into those schools) and as much potential as these universities think I have... I freaked out and didnt accept admission to any of them. I decided to work more at the hospital and reapply to doctoral programs only this time around (for fall 2008 admission)...

Looking back, I cannot say whether or not this was a good decision. I was held back by the fear that I would be committing a lot of time and money to a graduate school education...and its not something to just jump into without a lot of thought. And here I am... application time AGAIN. And that fear is back. The "what if I hate it" fear.... the thing is... I really like psychology. I would be good at it, and I'd help people deal with and hopefully conquer their issues- which truly is a rewarding job. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier going into other professions.... following one of my dozens of passions.

Life is fickle like that...you cant DO everything right away. Let it be said that I am quite privileged, and I wont have to worry about how I am paying for all this... ie- grad school. And I recognize and appreciate that privilege for the blessing that it truly is.......

But I want to be a Psychologist and a Pilot and a World Class Clothing Designer and a Fashion Photographer a Runway Model and a Family Law Attorney and a Painter and an Author. And yet I have to jump back into my skin, and choose just one. Psychology would be continuing my path. My safe path. Right now its the path that I am choosing- I am sort of going with the "I have to try it and see if I like it or not...." mentality. I guess that I must try it to see...so I know whether its for me or not. I am tired of feeling my way around in the dark....anyway, Any of the others would require even more time to 'reset' and 'relearn' so much that I did not learn in college...and they too require me to delve into the unknown- perhaps moreso. So why not go with what I know- and at least try it? Sometimes you have to just jump. Right?

I find it funny that people don't have this problem with great frequency. Though, I've learned that a lot of people are either A. less passionate about less things, B. more easily satisfied than I am, or C. dont see the world as a constantly changing field of what-ifs, maybes etc. In the end.... think I am spoiled or have too high expectations, probably, and just need to deal with the fact that I cant have everything. And I think that that sucks. But I also need to understand that life will not be ruined if I do not achieve every single thing I have listed above. I will be fine, and I can be happy.

You know, I even for the first time went and saw a therapist about all this. (Ironic that I didnt see a shrink when I was clinically depressed and wanted to throw myself in front of a bus...that whole gay-mormon thing is a doozy, it really is.) I thought that since I was overall happier than I have ever been- that I would be able to sort through my problems with a clearer mind. It turns out that I paid this lady 150 dollars an hour for me to talk to myself. No offense to you, Dr. so-and-so, but you did not help me. I actually vowed, after my second and final session to be a MUCH better psychologist than you were. At least you could have acted interested in what I had to say. Maybe interest is shown at 200 dollars an hour. haha.

In any event. After 300 dollars went down the drain, I realized that I really didnt have much to say to her. I felt like I didnt need her. My problems are apparently not serious enough- and my feedback was not good enough to warrant me continuing seeing her. So I'll save the money... a few sessions equals an entire wardrobe. lol. And as the designer-wanna-be that I am... clothes make me happy.

So whats it for me?

A Private Therapy Practice?
Captain of an American Airlines Boeing 757?
The next Tom Ford?
The Next Evandro Soldati (look him up, its worth it)?

I'll tally up your votes...... ;)