Lost! Part II

So, the reason why this song is so fitting for my current mood is because I actually do feel lost.

I've made many important decisions in my life, in the past few months. And yet I feel a sense of foreboding... like I maybe made the wrong decision. But I dont know. This feeling is mostly regarding my decision to pursue a Doctoral degree in clinical psychology. I think it's what I want, but I am afraid it might not be. And that is my constant mood lately- afraid. And I realize, I am always afraid, and always have been motivated by fear.

I've been really anxious lately. For many reasons... and it has perhaps affected my health- as I've been dealing with some bizarre physical symptoms that have not yet been found to have any clinical origins. (There is yet some testing to do). If this continues to be the case, the conclusion will be that my anxiety is finding an outlet by causing these various symptoms... yay for hypochindriasis. Just pray/hope with me that I don't have some awful disease. I'm not even 25, and I'd like to at least have my 20's (and hopefully the rest of my life- which should be long and prosperous ;) )in good health.

My question, to anyone who reads this and to anyone who might have some insight to my fears... is: how do you know when you are making the right decision? How normal is it to have doubts when choosing a career or path of education? Does it really matter? What happens if you make a mistake? Ok. So that was more than one question.

"What happens if you make a mistake?" That's a question that someone who is paranoid about making mistakes asks. I guess I have made mistakes in the past, but never big ones, really. I've lived a life of fear and anxiety since I can remember. Maybe its perfectly normal that I feel afraid since I am actually taking a leap of faith and deciding to TRY this program out. That in and of itself is not something I would see myself doing. At least its a great program (one of the best in the country). I am lucky that if I choose to discontinue the pursuit of this degree, it will not cause me a huge issue. It will be but wasted time. And that sucks, but at least I wouldn't be in the red from it. I really want to complete this degree- that is my goal- but I am afraid that I'll get into it and decide, 'you know what, this just isnt for me'. And then what? Back into the deep abyss....

I think its interesting that I choose a career path- clinical psychology- when I still have so many issues of my own to sort out. I FEEL like I should be perfectly balanced, perfectly stable, and perfectly perfect in order to take on other people's problems and to help them. To analyze and understand them. To be an 'example' perhaps. But perhaps not... that's not really what being a psychologist is about. But I guess it feels like it is, or that it could be.

Maybe its a perfect career choice. Look at me, look at how analytical I am. I sometimes think to myself- either this choice is going to fix you or break you. But maybe its less black and white than that. Lord, it better be... black and white thinking. Its one of the worst things that one can do to oneself.

No, I tell myself now. The world is still grey and foggy. And I am still lost.