Remember my posts a while back about a friend of mine who I was having serious friendship issues with and who I was debating on telling her if I was gay because I thought it would hurt her too much?
Well. She knows. She sent me an e-mail after we graduated saying that she thinks its true that I have feelings for men. After spending a night in convulsions (shaking violently) from shock- after I read her e-mail, I knew I had to simply tell her. I tried to keep it short, to the point and on topic. My letter was 2 pages long.
She replied with a six page single spaced letter which I feel was more or less a guilt trip about how it was a mistake for me not to tell her about my sexuality. I never let her in, she couldnt be around or else I wouldnt be myself. OBVIOUSLY I CANT BE MYSELF WHEN SHE TELLS ME SHE 'LOVES' ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. AND IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE A FRIEND-LOVE. It ALWAYS felt like more than that. And it freaked me out. Who would feel comfortable around that all the time if they didnt have the same feelings? I hated hanging around her because I felt like her boyfriend, and inside it felt so wrong and twisted and messed up. She beamed when I was around and I did my best to smile and act happy.
I've been stewing over this letter. She wants back in my life, but honestly letting her back in -given a LONG LONG and dramatic history- is not really what I want to do. I could be friends with big limits. I dont know how I can open up to her again after I tried for over a year to make her open up to me- and she didnt. After that, I built up my own wall. Why should it come down? Because we were best friends 2 1/2 years ago? I feel like thats over and past, and she will not change, even though she said she didnt care I am gay etc. I feel like I need to run.... I just cant handle the drama, the need for attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to break her heart again. But sometimes I feel like I just want out. I wish I were more selfish and that I didnt care as much as I do... that way I would have gotten out long ago. How do you know when to draw the line and say enough is enough?
2 comments:
You hated being around her, but you smiled and acted happy. You set yourself up for the drama.
You say you can't handle the drama -- and that's the problem. You're having difficulty coping with multiple issues in your life right now. If that weren't the case, you perhaps would be able to address the drama involving your friend.
I think you should consider telling your friend that you're not on an even keel emotionally and that you need to be left alone until you're mentally healthy. And then get mentally healthy, through therapy [he says once again, sighing].
I believe that once you work through your various issues, and become more calm and content on a day-to-day basis, you'll be able to view your experiences with your friend from a different perspective. You'll then be able to interact with your friend from a place of relative serenity. Maybe you'll end up remaining friends; maybe you'll part ways. But I don't see how you can do anything now except put the friendship in a holding pattern until your reasoning is not clouded by anxiety.
There's a lot I don't see, because blogs display too small a portion of the overall picture. Just remember that you've got support here.
Know what finally tipped me over into getting help (i.e. a therapist)? Lying in bed one night, the bed started to shake. At first, I thought it was an earthquake. I was living in the Bay Area at the time, so that seemed sensible. But the shaking continued and wouldn't stop. I finally realized, it was me who was shaking.
The next day, I reached out to people I knew could help me, got a recommendation for an excellent therapist, and haven't looked back since. Therapy saved my life (and helped me sleep.) Sounds melodramatic, I know, but I'm with Dave: YOU'VE GOT TO GET HELP. You can't do this alone and there are people out there who can help you.
For the sake of your mental health alone, you should seek help. If your parents can afford your $100K education and a $40K car, surely they can help you with $10K in therapy. It's worth every single penny. If you haven't come out to them and can't turn to them as a source for funding, most insurance will pay for therapists. Ask around and among your LDS and gay LDS friends for recommendations. There's someone out for you who can help you start to feel alive again.
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