I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......
I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.
I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.
Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.
Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.
I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.
I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.
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4 comments:
Hey,
I was reading your post, and it made me laugh. Don't get me wrong; I was certainly not laughing at your anger or the predicament you find yourself in. I understand that too well.
No, what I was laughing at was it just reminded me of times when I've felt exactly the same thing you're going through. When I read journal entries from years ago, I see these same bitter, angry, "I've-had-it-with-this-whole-struggle" feelings that you seem to be experiencing. It's like looking outside of yourself and being amused at the absurdity of it. Believe you me, I am not laughing at your pain, and I know that since you are currently on the inside of it all, it's probably not remotely funny to you at all.
I guess the point I want to make is that life is not as unbearable as it seems right now (and, having been in your shoes, I know that's hard to believe).
I've been an active Mormon about 30 of the 35 years I've been alive and been gay for about as long. In spite of any doctrine we're given in this church, here's what I know for sure: God loves you. He absolutely loves you. He loves you whether you're active or not. He loves you whether you act on your gay feelings or not. He loves you whether you decide to get married and have kids or whether you stay single or whether you end up in a gay relationship. He is your Father. He is not some vindictive parent just waiting for you to fail so he can send you to some horrible place in the afterlife.
I don't know why this struggle is ours. I don't know why so much contradiction exists. I don't always know what God expects of me. But I do know he loves me, and I know he loves you, and whatever you decide to do with your life, as long as you're trying to be a good person (and that doesn't mean a Mormon perception of good or someone's else's perception of good, but if you know in your heart you're doing what you can (not what you wish you could or think you're supposed to do, but simply what you feel you're honestly able to do), things will be okay. You will be okay. You will be at peace and happy. And God will love you no less or more than he already does.
It's so easy to get angry. Don't fall into that trap. I still have very good feelings towards my religion. I'm not necessarily active or doing what I've always been taught I should do. But I am doing what I can to be a good person, and even if some of things are doing are contrary to what I've always been taught, I feel the Spirit whisper to me that things will be okay.
I hope you are able to feel that eventually. I don't blame anybody for what is; I just recognize that what is, is, and I'm doing my best to be a good person, and I feel happy with where I am.
It's never easy. These words are all probably inadequate, but I hope you will recognize the spirit in which they're meant.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Cody
You know, I think that day must have been International Depression day because I had a very simerlar post on that day, but for comepletely different reasons. Anyway I hope your mind's in a better place now. :-)
I echo Cody's sentiments. To paraphrase Nephi, I don't know the meaning of all things, but, nevertheless, I know that God loves his children. I can't claim to understand your struggle, but I know that God's peace is within reach. I've had struggles of my own. A bout with obsessive-compulsive disorder left me wondering what kind of God would leave me to feel the way I had. Slowly, I learned to channel my thoughts in more productive ways, in doing so I also came to realize many of the misconceptions I'd had about God. The God I worship isn't some military general or task master, but someone who understands our struggles implicitly. He doesn't expect us to conquer our most difficult obstacles or struggles in a day, a week, a year, or even a decade. Life is meant to be taken a day at a time. Don't let the magnitude of your struggles overwhelm you. Jesus said "take ye therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow will take thought for the things of itself." I hope you felt the spirit in what Cody has written and I hope that there is some spirit in my ramblings. Like Cody said, these words are probably inadequate, but please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Marc
I came across your blog in the most random fashion ever: I googled the quote "I choose vodka and chaka khan" from Bridget Jones' Diary, and your page was the 3rd hit. I wanted the exact phrashing from the movie, but the reason I googled the quote is not really important.
The little description box you have at the top of your page saying this was the life of a gay sort of mormon was really intriguing to me, so I decided to read a little bit more. If only because the words you used to describe yourself "gay" and "mormon" are quite the contradiction in terms from the teachings of that so called church.
I was an almost convert to lds a few years ago. Grew up Catholic and met up with some sister missionaries. Having not been brought up in the church, I was able to have my wits about me and see that it's not as perfect as it appears to be. Nor was it a religion which I believed in. That realization forced me to turn my back on the church.
I'm not going to knock your faith, if that's what you choose to believe in, but this post particularly seems like you've got alot of doubts yourself. You say that you've hated going to church your whole entire life, and don't feel that devine peace you seek. Perhaps maybe lds church is the problem. You dont believe and therefore are unable to feel at ease. I myself found that to be the problem with lds church, and it's what always fuelled my doubts: "I don't feel comfortable here, and I don't feel like I'm having a spiritual experience when attending service. It's a warm SOCIAL feeling from the members, but it's not a "SPIRITUAL" feeling, which is supposed to be what you get from church.
I'm not a choir girl by any stretch of the imagination. I do attend Mass (Catholic church service), just not on a regular basis. I go when the whim hits me, and I have ALWAYS felt a calm sense of awe upon leaving Mass. I don't know if I'd classify it as "spiritual" feeling. I don't believe I'm religious enough to be able to determine what a spiritual feeling is. I only know it IS a PEACEFUL feeling I get from Mass and that I've never felt anything even remotely close from lds church, or any other sects for that matter.
That being all said, perhaps you need to find a faith that DOES give you a peaceful feeling. I know being in Utah doesn't exactly give you a whole lot of religious options where Mormonism is very dominate, but start out with research online. Attend different services if you can. Try and let "the spirit" find you, rather than you looking for it.
You may even come to realize that not everyone needs to have a faith to believe in. Believe in yourself, develop a moral code that fits YOU, have a PERSONAL relationship with God (READ: Not bound by the confines of a specific religion) if you choose, and to hell with everything else.
I don't know you from a hole in the ground, and possibly have no rights at all to offer advice into your life. You just seem to be very lost and I thought I'd offer some perspective. I appologize if I've caused any offense.
I hope you find the peace and devine life plan you seek.
Take Care,
Jamie Anne
ps: If you belong to livejournal, they have a great community called exmormon. It helped me lots after I'd already decided that lds church was no longer for me. Even though I'm not a religious person, I did have a submissive fear of turning my back on "god" so to speak. Belonging to that community, and sharing experiences with the other members and getting feedback on my own, gave me reassurance that I had done the right thing for me by choosing to not identify myself with lds church any longer. It might be a good community for you to check out. It is a closed community, and you do have to request to join. Just a heads up.
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