I shouldnt be writing this, as I have entirely too much to do. But I've been wondering as usual what the future holds for me.... I went to church on easter, breaking a 3 1/2 month 'sabatticle' from church. Maybe I have become, bitter, indignant, jaded. But going there didn't make me feel very wonderful- in fact all I wanted to do was leave. I wish I could go to church where I don't feel hated or where I dont feel like I want to change the whole belief system... I was even more upset on the inside because I made my mom so happy by going. I picked up one of my grandmothers (who isnt mormon) and she came along too. My mom was glowing about this all day. Sadly I just sat there and tried to smile for her, but not too much. I guess she doesn't know that walking into church is like being thrown into a bath of ice water. I just want to get out, I can't breathe, I cant listen, I cant talk, I feel uncomfortable. Whats more upsetting is how I feel when I get up to leave and so many people (church ladies- usually mothers of some of my peers) come up to me and ask me how I am, what I am up to these days. Many of them do genuinely care, and they probably like me because I am not like the other guys who are just...guys. I can talk with them, understand them, I am so 'sweet and sensitive' they tell my mom. Don't they get it??? I'm gay! lol. I feel sad because I wonder how they might change if they learned that very piece of information about me. I dont mind seeing them, because as people I like them much more than the men at church. I try to avoid the men, because it is with them that I associate almost everything negative. I have yet to meet one that I fully trust... So... thats my story with church. I still don't know what to do....even if I stopped going permanently, I feel the whispers of the doctrines of me being 'damned' in the back of my mind. Maybe I can change my scenery and find something more uplifting....
In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?
So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.
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I feel the same way that you do about Church. I took some time off, and then for my wife I started going again. I found that when I went I started feeling like an investigator and not a member. It helped me feel less anxiety to think that I don't belong to those in the church that have narrow minded views of how life should be for everyone. However, if you feel completely uncomfortable then you shouldn't go, you don't need to put yourself through that.
And on the topic of going out with the guys and maybe attending a gay club, I say go for it. Just be objective (as I'm sure you are) and focus on your friends and just have a good time. It will be good for you to hang out with people you like, and to experience a different side of what gay means to other people..."openness!"
Take care. Thanks for all the attention you have shown me. You have helped out a lot, even if it doesn't sound like it.
We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys.
That's the spirit!
I understand the vascillating. One day things are one way, the next there another. It's frustrating sometimes, but I guess we just do the best we can with what we got.
I understand your feelings about church. It can be hard going when you sometimes (or maybe in your case, often) don't feel comfortable or feel like you fit in.
Even though the gay issues are difficult, I still enjoy going to church a lot. There is so much good taught there and so many good people I love (at least in my ward). When they talk about eternal families and such, I get depressed at times, but there are so many positive messages that the gospel teaches me, and I often feel God guiding me when I go to church.
As for guilt and damnation, I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can under my circumstances and that God is a merciful and loving God. I think of my fellow human beings who I have sometimes disappointed in life and that in spite of errors I may have made towards them, their love for me has not changed, and if they, who are imperfect, can still love and forgive me in spite of perceived faults, how much more forgiving and loving will the Lord treat me.
In spite of problems you may have with the church, remind yourself that God will always love you no matter what.
I also promised myself that no matter what choices I make in regards to the Church and my homosexual feelings, I must never allow myself to become bitter about the Church. In spite of the frailties of its members, this church has contributed a great deal to some of my best qualities. Some of the best values I have in my life are due to what I learned being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Whether or not I stay true to my testimony, I will always be grateful for that.
And life is what it is. We have the experiences we have, and whether we think they are fair or not, we shouldn't allow them to make us become angry or bitter or jaded or cynical. We just live and learn and do the best we can. We can't control our circumstances, but we can control our attitudes and responses to them. Anyway, here's hoping things get clear and better for you no matter what choices you make.
I haven't been to church in 5 years and I know exactly what your feelings are. I was a missionary and sealed in the temple, I also held leadership positions and thought I had overcome my natural feelings, but I was wrong.
Church shaped my life and even though I do not attend, my conduct is mormon, problem is I like guys. I have created some defense mechanisms that may not be a template for everyone. We're all different, but you can take a look at my blog and read about me. It may help the same way your blog helps me.
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