Today I finished my last exam, my last day of college. I am supposed to be happy, right? Relieved? lol. I feel anything but those things. Let me be very straightforward, very sarcastic: consider most of the following post a catharsis.
So yay..... I've finished four years of education...and what do I have to show for it? A degree in a major that I love but that will never get me a job. I have a lot of good friends, who I will miss. I have had majorly fun experiences. Laughing all night, clubbing, Saki, 1223, Home, Dream. I've had bad experiences- tears, worry and strain. I kinda figured out/ learned/ admitted that I'm gay. I've learned a good amount, but maybe its never enough. We never stop learning.
I've made my parents spend over $100,000 on an education. I drive a car worth over $40,000 dollars. I wear nice clothes, I can eat anything I want. (I am spoiled- but not snobby...) I'm relatively healthy. I have all of my limbs where they are supposed to be. My brain works (except in the neurotransmitter department).
I have everything and more, and its not enough. Am I really missing "love"? Or is that just some B.S. that I am telling myself that I need. I used to tell myself that I needed only me. I put up my walls and they worked fine. They worked perfectly. They kept the people out who needed to be kept out. The rest- friends, came in and there were no problems. I've opened myself to what? Stupid stupid things. Is it worth it to open myself like this? What the hell for? I dont need anyone but me.
Am I just trapped without any good option, so should I just cut my losses and take the lesser of the evils. And if so, which one is that? Why does it even matter that I'm gay. Who cares. Why should I care? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? I've gone this long. lets say 1/4th of my life, assuming i am lucky to live to 80.... whats the other 75% alone. lol. soon enough i'll be at 50% and then 75%....then my time will be up. I feel I want a distraction. Law school.... why not? At this point I am too tired to care. Who cares.
Who cares. Congrats. I'm graduating. Who cares.
4 comments:
You are not alone. I'm a tad older than you but I know exactly what you're going through right now.
I'm at a point in my life where it seems like I'm just stuck in this one place and I have no idea where to go or where I'm going or how I'll end up there.
It's like, after you graduate college, you are a completely different person than who you were when you started and you look back and think, "What have I done the past 4/5/6 years of my life? Where do I go now?"
Evenutally, we all figure it out. I will someday. So will you.
And we'll all be here for you until then and beyond.
I wish I knew what I could say to convince you to see a therapist. Depression won't go away by itself.
P.S. I care. We care.
A $100K education paid for by your parents and a $40K car.... Well, you're doing better than some of us who paid for/are paying for our educations and our cars....
Bottomline, though: I agree with Dave--things like graduation won't provide you with a sense of accomplishment (and it is a great accomplishment) until you're able to address your depression and sexual orientation. Life is meant to be joyous and celebratory; it's too short for misery and indifference.
I understand what you're feeling and where you're at as a gay Mormon. I've been there. It's rough and it eats you up, inside and out. But it can get better. Like Dave, I would highly recommend seeking some professional counseling.
I intended to only spend two years in grad school, which would have cost me $40K. But life happens while you're making other plans and it certainly was the case for me. In the end, grad school took me five years and cost me $100K and I spent more than $10K on therapy. But, it was worth every single penny and I have no regrets.
I hope the same for you. A life of joy, self-contentment, and no regrets.
Congrats on graduation. Transitions are hard. I'm facing a number myself in the coming weeks. I hope you will take the advice for therapy.
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