This morning my OTHER sister, who didnt know about 'me' came into my room and simply asked me "whats wrong?"
She sat in my bed. I tried to ignore her, saying "nothings wrong."
"You dont eat, you're stressed all the time. Something's wrong and you have to tell me."
"okay. You really want to know?" *closes all the doors to the room*
I get back into my bed, and say, "What do you think it could be. Something that everyone thinks about me but is too afraid to say."
"What? what's so horrible that you cant tell me? Whats so terrible?"
"Well, you know what I am talking about, right?"
"No. tell me."
"Well, its just that, I am a certain way....I am attracted to certain people..."
"Okay? So you are attracted to guys? Big deal. You're literally gonna make yourself SICK over that?"
"yeah. well, its kind of a big deal."
"Not really, at most its a life's inconvenience. Think about it. If you are hard-wired one way, then thats that....I could really care less either way. And in fact, I've always sort of wanted a gay brother so it might be a blessing for me. (hehe)."
And so we talked. It was odd, because this sister and I have very different outlooks. She said she couldnt care less that I am probably gay. She said that it doesnt matter at all to her and that nothing has changed. The other thing is that she said that I can't sure until I try both. Unfortunately I tend to agree...sort of. I told her I am not 100 percent sure, but that most likely its the case. Girls just dont really do anything for me. I can be attracted to a face, but other than that....theres not much that wows me. The people who turn my head on the street, are guys.
I dont know why I dont feel some weight lifted off of my shoulders this time. I still feel confused. And the fact that she really doesnt think its a big deal sort of bothers me. How can she take this easier than I can? How ISNT it a big deal? I guess I should be happy, I am happy that she wouldnt look at me differently.
But she said I shouldnt live for the people on the outside. Stop trying to please everyone else, you need to do what makes you happy. But I've never done anything as far as relationships go... I cant let go. What if I hook up with a girl and I actually like it? But then what if I hook up with a guy and like it also? I feel like i'll never get to the point where I can let go enough to even bring myself to be intimate (even just a little bit) with anyone. She sort of confused me, saying, "I'm not entirely convinced, because you havent experienced anything with other ppl..." So. this time it was interesting. We have very different outlooks on life. We read poetry to each other and talked about things we think are true about life. I read her one by Jorge Luis Borges.
She told me she loved me, and that she'd kill me if I ever tried to 'hurt' myself. She hit physically, because I beat myself up over this when "its so not worth it". She is the kind of person who walks unphased by almost everything. The only bad things in life, are death, murder, rape, starvation, molestation.... everything else evens itself out.... She exudes confidence. She makes people dance around her, because she can and because they want to. Nothing scares her. She is confident that I'll find my way.
At least she has that confidence. Right now though, I am just sort of confused.
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4 comments:
Coming out is a big deal. However, to other people they don't understand. You won't feel the weight lifted until you are comfortable with yourself. You should keep in mind that being gay is only a part of you. It is a big part but don't let it be the only defining thing about you. People are so complex, don't let one thing over shadow all your greatness.
You do need to be yourself. Being gay is only one facet of your life. Don't let it define you. I think this will occur the more you are comfortable with yourself. I have one friend who is always trying to please others and it drives me nuts. "Just be yourself," I tell him, "that's the person I like."
It will get easier. Don't give up.
Telling anyone is a big step, and family was the hardest for me. It's weird that issues of questioning sexuality is the only place a "I know what you're going through" really works for me. I'm gonna tell you what I told a good friend of mine recently. The question of wheather or not you are gay is already answered. You know deep down who who are atrracted to and what turns you on. That doesn't mean you are ready to accept what you know. Wheather it is that you are gay, straight, or bi. but know that when you are ready to accept whatever it is, you have people who love you and will have accepted you long before you accepted yourself. Being a part of an on-line community like this also gives you support from complete strangers. I don't know you and only know what you have bloged about your situation. But I'm a good listener, and if you need to talk with someone who has been there before you, I'm here.
Coming out is a big deal. I remember when I first talked with my parents about it. I waited for the rest of the family to leave. Then I built myself all up. They were both lying on the couch, and I sat down, and finally just said it. My mom's response, "Haven't we already had this conversation?" What? Dad, "Yeah, I already figured that you'd never marry a woman." Mom, "Isn't that why you dated Linda? she's so flat... just like a boy." What? I started to laugh. I couldn't believe that I'd made such a big deal out of it. Apparently they were already VERY aware of it, and had had actual conversations about it. Anyhow, it sounds to me like your family already knows, so why keep hiding it? It seems like the only person you've been fooling is yourself (I know that was my case). Get it out of the way, and start dealing with it in a more logical fashion.
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