I've just spent a few minutes in the living room by our christmas tree. Just looking at it, smelling the nice scent of pine, looking at all the classy red decorations, white lights, the star, the nice gifts scattered around the floor.
And then it hit me. I havent felt the 'christmas spirit' this entire holiday season. In fact, like most days, the entire holiday season has been pretty miserable. Everything, everything reminds me of what I'm going through. Christmas. When we're supposed to celebrate christ's birth. When we're supposed to give, to appreciate our family. I find myself distancing myself from everyone in my family. I'm always mad or I'm always sad. I prefer to be alone, so I dont have to see them, so they dont have to see me and wonder if I am okay.
It just saddens me more. Because I used to like it when my mom would walk around the house decorating and wrapping gifts, singing christmas carols. Now it reminds me of all this. Which means I hate it when she does that. Its sad because I am supposed to be happy. This is a time when everyone is supposed to be happy. And nothing, not the shopping, not the food, not even the family has made me smile. I havent had a bright day, truly happy day in 6 months. And I'm tired of this.
Telling my sisters...what good did that do. I am not sure that it did any. I feel happy that they support me. But I am not happy with myself in the first place. I dont want them to have to support me in this. I didnt want this, I wouldnt wish this on the devil himself. Now I feel like its back to square one, where I hate myself for being this way. Where I can just suppress it and make it all go away. I dont have to be attracted to anyone. I can do my own thing.
One of my sisters really doesnt get it either... she asks me how I am doing by saying, "So are you over all your emotional garbage yet?" "Thanks for being so sensitive," I replied. What does that even mean? Its sort of rude to belittle something like this by saying that. On the other hand, I know she doesnt want to baby me and let me feel sorry for myself. Technically, I have much to be thankful for. But this seems to overshadow anything good.....
The other worries about me, babies me more. I feel that she understands that I feel like ashes every day. Spent, burned, tired, grey. She says it will be okay. But I have trouble believing that, because everything isnt okay, and it hasnt been and I just dont see when it's going to be.
I know on Christmas morning I'll wake up and have to pretend to be excited. Pretend to like the gifts more than I do, even if I love them, I'll have to remember to show it. I'll have to go to church and pretend like I feel that I want to be there. Pretend like it doesnt hurt me and make me upset. You get tired of pretending. I'm tired.
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3 comments:
I just came across your blog. Thanks for posting your thoughts. We have a lot in common(I love Shakira too) and I look forward to reading all your posts.
I think you need to ask yourself what is going to make you happy, you should also ask what has made you so sad and unhappy. You said you haven't been happy in 6 months, what changed over that time? And can it be fixed and would you even want to fix it? You also need figure out if telling everyone is going to make you happy, because if you are telling people in an effort to be happy you may be let down in the end. You also may want to look into therapy or a doctor. If this is something that isn't going away then you should get some help. People often fear therapy and mental health doctors, but they can be so helpful. Really I think the smartest thing a person can do is notice they need help and get the right help. I go to therapy and I am seeing a doctor. I have been unhappy for over 3 years. I hope you don't have to wait that long to be ok. Good luck.
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