Out of the U.S.A....FINALLY

I am someone who NEEDS to travel. Well, thats exactly what I am doing today. :-D :-D Sadly, I cant even say where I am going, as I dont want to be IDed...... but I will say that its a very nice place, up and coming, rich as all get out and hot as hell in the summer. Thats why going in December/January is a good time to go. I'll be back after the new year... so to Happy New Year to all!

Merry Christmas

Just wanted to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas!!

I wish it was a nice snowy Christmas this year, instead of rainy and 37 degrees. This year my family opened up our gifts on Christmas Eve... which was nice... and then I got to sleep in, which was also nice. Then I went to church and that was okay...I did see a bunch of people I who are back from BYU, a select few that I actually liked growing up....anyway.... I guess it wont ever be how it used to be, but thats for another blog entry. For now..............

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

So much for the Christmas spirit....

I've just spent a few minutes in the living room by our christmas tree. Just looking at it, smelling the nice scent of pine, looking at all the classy red decorations, white lights, the star, the nice gifts scattered around the floor.

And then it hit me. I havent felt the 'christmas spirit' this entire holiday season. In fact, like most days, the entire holiday season has been pretty miserable. Everything, everything reminds me of what I'm going through. Christmas. When we're supposed to celebrate christ's birth. When we're supposed to give, to appreciate our family. I find myself distancing myself from everyone in my family. I'm always mad or I'm always sad. I prefer to be alone, so I dont have to see them, so they dont have to see me and wonder if I am okay.

It just saddens me more. Because I used to like it when my mom would walk around the house decorating and wrapping gifts, singing christmas carols. Now it reminds me of all this. Which means I hate it when she does that. Its sad because I am supposed to be happy. This is a time when everyone is supposed to be happy. And nothing, not the shopping, not the food, not even the family has made me smile. I havent had a bright day, truly happy day in 6 months. And I'm tired of this.

Telling my sisters...what good did that do. I am not sure that it did any. I feel happy that they support me. But I am not happy with myself in the first place. I dont want them to have to support me in this. I didnt want this, I wouldnt wish this on the devil himself. Now I feel like its back to square one, where I hate myself for being this way. Where I can just suppress it and make it all go away. I dont have to be attracted to anyone. I can do my own thing.

One of my sisters really doesnt get it either... she asks me how I am doing by saying, "So are you over all your emotional garbage yet?" "Thanks for being so sensitive," I replied. What does that even mean? Its sort of rude to belittle something like this by saying that. On the other hand, I know she doesnt want to baby me and let me feel sorry for myself. Technically, I have much to be thankful for. But this seems to overshadow anything good.....

The other worries about me, babies me more. I feel that she understands that I feel like ashes every day. Spent, burned, tired, grey. She says it will be okay. But I have trouble believing that, because everything isnt okay, and it hasnt been and I just dont see when it's going to be.

I know on Christmas morning I'll wake up and have to pretend to be excited. Pretend to like the gifts more than I do, even if I love them, I'll have to remember to show it. I'll have to go to church and pretend like I feel that I want to be there. Pretend like it doesnt hurt me and make me upset. You get tired of pretending. I'm tired.

Decent days happen!

Today I dont have that much to rant about. Keeping myself busy is probably the best thing I can do. I had plenty to do, and not enough time to do it. Ok thats not true. I had time, and I used most of it. Then I sat and watched Mean Girls on tv. You have to love that movie. Even my grandma was laughing when Regina George exclaimed, "How could Aaron Samuels dump me!? I was half-a-virgin when I met him!!"

I didnt think too much today. Its nice to give my mind a break. Its very nice. Soon, I will be leaving for an unnamed country, very far away (trust me, its sooo far and I am loving it!).

I'll give a couple of hints though-

-Hot
-Sandy
-Wealthy
-Small

Quote #2

"Once every hundred years Jesus of Nazareth meets Jesus of the Christian in a garden among the hills of Lebanon. And they talk long; and each time Jesus of Nazareth goes away saying to Jesus of the Christian, "My friend, I fear we shall never, never agree."

-Khalil Gibran

Thoughts?

Other sister knows.

This morning my OTHER sister, who didnt know about 'me' came into my room and simply asked me "whats wrong?"

She sat in my bed. I tried to ignore her, saying "nothings wrong."

"You dont eat, you're stressed all the time. Something's wrong and you have to tell me."

"okay. You really want to know?" *closes all the doors to the room*

I get back into my bed, and say, "What do you think it could be. Something that everyone thinks about me but is too afraid to say."

"What? what's so horrible that you cant tell me? Whats so terrible?"

"Well, you know what I am talking about, right?"

"No. tell me."

"Well, its just that, I am a certain way....I am attracted to certain people..."

"Okay? So you are attracted to guys? Big deal. You're literally gonna make yourself SICK over that?"

"yeah. well, its kind of a big deal."

"Not really, at most its a life's inconvenience. Think about it. If you are hard-wired one way, then thats that....I could really care less either way. And in fact, I've always sort of wanted a gay brother so it might be a blessing for me. (hehe)."

And so we talked. It was odd, because this sister and I have very different outlooks. She said she couldnt care less that I am probably gay. She said that it doesnt matter at all to her and that nothing has changed. The other thing is that she said that I can't sure until I try both. Unfortunately I tend to agree...sort of. I told her I am not 100 percent sure, but that most likely its the case. Girls just dont really do anything for me. I can be attracted to a face, but other than that....theres not much that wows me. The people who turn my head on the street, are guys.

I dont know why I dont feel some weight lifted off of my shoulders this time. I still feel confused. And the fact that she really doesnt think its a big deal sort of bothers me. How can she take this easier than I can? How ISNT it a big deal? I guess I should be happy, I am happy that she wouldnt look at me differently.

But she said I shouldnt live for the people on the outside. Stop trying to please everyone else, you need to do what makes you happy. But I've never done anything as far as relationships go... I cant let go. What if I hook up with a girl and I actually like it? But then what if I hook up with a guy and like it also? I feel like i'll never get to the point where I can let go enough to even bring myself to be intimate (even just a little bit) with anyone. She sort of confused me, saying, "I'm not entirely convinced, because you havent experienced anything with other ppl..." So. this time it was interesting. We have very different outlooks on life. We read poetry to each other and talked about things we think are true about life. I read her one by Jorge Luis Borges.

She told me she loved me, and that she'd kill me if I ever tried to 'hurt' myself. She hit physically, because I beat myself up over this when "its so not worth it". She is the kind of person who walks unphased by almost everything. The only bad things in life, are death, murder, rape, starvation, molestation.... everything else evens itself out.... She exudes confidence. She makes people dance around her, because she can and because they want to. Nothing scares her. She is confident that I'll find my way.

At least she has that confidence. Right now though, I am just sort of confused.

Need to control this

I've been coming out to many people. Well, sort of. A large group of friends now knows, but these are not my closest friends, they are good friends though. Also, a few people that I talk to online, and of course, my sister. Its a grand total of.... about 12 people.

To me, it seems like tons. I guess really its not. But lately I feel like this whole this is snowballing into something I can't control. And usually I am in control of things in my life. I always have this need to know that everything will be fine. But this is the one thing I cant control, the one thing that seems to control me.

A guy I talk to online, a therapist by education-- encourages me to take control and make my own decisions in my life. He tells me to not let fear of repercussions of telling people that I'm gay control me. I should take control, take responsibility for my life. But I tell him it isnt that simple. I have a mom who is obsessed with being Mormon, and a father who, like most fathers, wont exactly be thrilled to hear this news about his son. HOW CAN I NOT BE AFRAID?! I ask. He says, "youre just diverting responsibility away from yourself, and letting the external be a control factor. You dont KNOW how they will react. But, whats most important is that really, you dont want to make a decision."

He's probably right. Why do I half want to push myself into this? Why do I want to "come out" to everyone? On the other hand, half of me wants to run away and never appear again. What happens after you tell the parents? The siblings? I can't deal with the unknown. I hate hate hate feeling like I'm crawling in the dark. They may all react well. Maybe not. Maybe it will ruin everything. Maybe I'm making this all up. Maybe I'm not gay, maybe I didnt try hard enough to be straight.... no no... you shouldnt have to TRY to be anything. You just are. Right? I'll never know, because I am too afraid to go after anyone, guy or girl. Though, when I think about it, even girls that I have "liked", I never felt that thing...lol...that you feel when you are attracted to someone. I usually just want to hug them and go shopping with them. LOL....

As Cher Horowitz (from Clueless) says, "I felt helpless and impotent. And I REALLY hate that." lol...at least I can laugh about that. Sadly, its exactly how I feel.

Thoughts?

Quote of the day

This quote was given to me many weeks ago by a dear friend of mine. She found it on a starbucks cup.

"My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short."
-Armistead Maupin

(Incidentally, this quote made a big stink at a university in texas. Google it. I wont bother giving my opinion on such matters....)

9 1/2 things about me.

This was inspired by protean's 99 1/2 things about me list. I am simply too busy at the moment (with FINAL EXAMS and PAPERS) to come up with 99 and 1/2 things. So here are 9 1/2. The other 90 percent are to come in the future.

1. I love smell of winter in Georgetown, walking by the townhouses at night on N st, when you can see your breath in the light of each gas lantern, with the leaves littering the floor.
2. I love the sun...especially tanning in the summer, when you feel the rays of light beating down on your skin, the smell of the mixture of the sweat, sunblock, and saltwater.
3. I hate the feeling you get when your're working with flour (while baking)-- ironically nails on a chalkboard doesnt phase me.
4. I love flying.
5. I love to dance, I love house music and any song in another language besides english.
6. I am tall. About 6'2" - 6'3".
7. My favorite designer is PRADA. Though I only have one thing made by them. (a SWEET Shearling & Cashmere Jacket...)
8. I HATE driving after it snows. (Makes my car all dirty).
9. I didnt sleep much until I went to college. Then I realized the beauty that sleep is.

1/2. I shower mostly sitting down with the water pouring down my neck and back. When I was a baby, we had a Thai maid who did this to me to soothe me. It works to this day.

Oh, this is a biggie. I spilled the secret- to my SISTER.

So. After feeling as if I was really going to die. I was at a crossroads, a turning point, if you will. I have felt...dead...for the past 6 months. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel awake. So. It happened.

I told someone in my family about...ME... Yes. It happened. Two short days ago. Friday, December 9th, 2005. I guess its one of the many days that will live in infamy.

But here's the good thing: it went absolutely amazing.

You might ask, well, who did you tell?

I will reply, my oldest sister, silly! (she's not really Mormon anymore for her own reasons...more on that in another blog posting)

I was sitting here, in the kitchen, talking relationships and life with her. And then she asked me how things are going, asked me why I seemed down all the time. I didnt respond. My face merely drained of color. My heart raced. Should I tell her? Yes. It was almost too easy to tell her. Painful, scary, but I knew its what I wanted to do. What I needed to do.

So, resume imagining me (a medium skin tone) draining entirely of color....Silence. Looking like I am about to cry and burst and as if I am in pain. "WHATS WRONG!? Are you okay?"

"You know what it could be, dont you? I know you know."

*She nods her head*

*whispering* "I think I'm gay." (I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT).

"It doesn't matter! It's fine! It doesn't matter! You are my brother and thats all that matters, I love you forever and ever, no matter what." Those words wont ever leave my mind. We hugged, and I almost collapsed, my knees got weak. "Yes it does matter, it does matter." "No it doesnt."

She cried and cried, telling me how she felt horrible that I've been struggling through this alone, with no one in the family knowing... or being able to be there to help me. She said "I know people kill themselves over this, and if you ever ever do that I'll kill you and then I'll kill me, you are like my favorite. So no matter what you have to promise me you wont hurt yourself." We hugged again and I pulled her to the sofas in the family room. There is so much to tell you, I said.

We talked. It was great to have that outlet. An open ear, someone in the family, who I know I can trust. Someone who will help me approach my Mom and Dad in the future...someone who will help guide me and help me figure out what to do next.

She said she'd support me no matter what anyone else says. I can come live with her at her place if need be.

She also said that most people in the family essentially know.... I act...like a gay guy. I am def. not flaming, but you can tell that something isnt 'right.' I love to do my sisters' hair and primp with them in the bathroom before we go out, I hate working outside, I sometimes squeal when I get excited, all my friends are girls, I love chick flicks, I dress damn well, and I am not a jerk to people. But, I've never attempted to cover my sort of effeminate behavior with a girlfriend, or mentioning of how I 'want' a girlfriend. I've even hinted at the OPPOSITE-- that I'm not getting married and that I DONT want a GF.

Everyone suspects something, she says. No one will be surprised, and everyone will get over it eventually-- even my mom and dad-- so she says. These are words of comfort. Words I needed to hear. This possibility has been discussed before amongst much of the family, which sort of relieves me. (Its not like I have had a GF and was the star athlete, and drive a Jeep Wrangler with monster truck wheels.)

I dont know though what will happen when I actually do tell them. I am not expecting a cake.

But no one ever had the balls to ask me. If my mom came to me right now and asked, I'd cry. I wouldnt be able to say yes through all the tears, snot and wheezing. But she would know the answer was yes. I guess it makes sense for them not to ask. They are just as afraid of me saying 'yes' as I am afraid to tell them in the first place. Ignorance is bliss.

But for now, I will ignore the troubling religious aspects. Those things take time, and I know they take time to deal with. For now, I am so happy that she knows. She knows all of me. There are no more secrets. I have put my heart in her hands, just where I want it, just where it should be. If there is someone up there who blessed me with her in my life: Thank You.

Clashing, Running, Hiding....Help.

So for the past 4 years since college started, I've been going to church off and on. I always made it my goal just to get there twice a month....you can tell I'm not a fundamentalist in the first place. I felt like its where I should be. I listened, I tried to agree with the things they taught..... fast forward to today.

Someone randomly calls me from my ward / congregation and tells me I just got assigned to be a home teacher (for all you non mormons, this is basically where you go and share a spiritual message with people in your congregation one sunday a month). First of all, dont they usually TELL you this rather than have him just call you up and say, hey, I'm with you now? Maybe they noticed I havent gone in the past month...... Anyways, after a very awkward phone conversation, I told the guy I'd see him on sunday to go to wherever we're supposed to meet.

I feel like this is all becoming too much. I dont want to go home teach to people when I have WAY too many issues with the church doctrines. I dont feel right giving people spiritual messages that I dont fully believe in or am even against..... *Panic*. How do I get out of this? I could just say, "I dont want to." But then they ask questions. And I dont want to explain why, to my bishop. There's no way I'm telling him about these struggles. I know what that entails, and I want no part of it. (Further It's my belief that these issues are between God and me, I shouldnt have to discuss them with a Bishop, who certainly doesnt UNDERSTAND.) I havent hooked up with a guy. So I am still in the clear there. But if I were to tell him, and say, I havent 'done' anything wrong, I just dont believe in this, and I want to be free to come to church and or leave the church at my own will.... what happens? If they try to do some sort of church court thing.... I probably wouldnt show up.... I think its very wrong to make people submit to that kind of humiliation.....I dont feel guilty for being this way. I didnt choose this. I deserve to be able to love people just like my straight counterparts do. Regardless, I havent done anything 'wrong' with a guy.......

See. This is all coming to a head. I feel I need to run away. Very fast. This is how the family finds out. This is the beginning of the end. I refuse to lead a double life. Or I REALLY dont want to. But I also dont feel the need to divulge such personal matters to someone who doesnt really know me, who thinks he can interpret what God really thinks, FOR me, and then supposedly force me to stay on this narrow path that leads to happiness...oh wait, happiness if you are straight and perfect.

Here's the other thing. I dont believe that Gay people go to hell because they have had homosexual experiences. Or that people who have sex out of wedlock necessarily go to hell. If thats the case then most of God's children who he 'loves unconditionally' will be roasting in the firey pits. I dont see how that is unconditional love. (Personally I agree more with protestant beliefs.....but thats another debate). I dont think anyone here on earth is fit to judge other people. I dont think its wrong to drink in moderation (My Dad, brother and half of my family (non-mormon) all drink in moderation). I dont think we have to get married to another mormon, or even BE mormon to get close to God. I think Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews and Catholics all worship the same God. One calls it Buddha, another calls it Allah. Why focus on the differences? I dont think this, or any church or religion is perfect.

The PROBLEM is, I believe those things for everyone else but me. I put myself under this microscope, this magnifying glass. I judge everything I do. Even when I dont even fully believe in it. Its illogical and it hurts me so bad. I am more tired than I've ever been. I have never once felt sublimely happy at church. Never even 'happy' really. I never felt accepted, part of the group. I never believed in one true religion, ever, since I was 8, even. I've had two 'spiritual' experiences in my life that I remember. I 'bore my testimony' both times. But I remember just having things roll off my tongue because I felt it would make others happy to hear it (my mom for instance). I dont know why I decided to go speak. I just did. But I said things that I didnt even agree with. BOTH times. I told people how I felt loved and embraced by God. I remember saying it, and not even agreeing with it while I said it. WHAT DO I MAKE OF THAT?

I am not here to bash Mormonism in particular, because there are many religions that are similar in their treatment of gays. There are some aspects of Mormonism that I agree with. But a large proportion that I simply dont....thats my situation.

I believe life is about who you are, who you love, how you treat people, and if you are kind and giving to others. I think its about cherishing the moments you have with loved ones, about loving thy neighbor, being courteous and helpful. Its about LOVE.

I want to run away. I feel like I might tell my sister. I know she loves me, I dont think she would alienate me or rat me out. I think she would try to help me. I feel like I'm running out of outlets. I dont want to ruin everyone elses life. I dont want to ruin my own life. My heart is beating fast, im anxious. I need out.

PLEASE, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me, ANYTHING, I am listening. I am desperate. I am begging.

The Irony!

So, there is a very attractive boy in one of my classes.... and part of our class is that at the end we have a debate about the class subject matter....

So the class was split into two- and as luck would have it, he is in the large group that I am in. But there's more..... there are sub groups within the group. Groups of two and three. Well, as luck would ALSO have it he got put into MY group after I thought it would be just this other girl and me.... but the next day I come into class, and group lists were handed out, and what do I see, but "__john__ __doe__" listed in my group. I immediately flip out.... I actually have to talk to him.... so I did talk to him, and he actually knew my name, which was a surprise-- I was introducing myself and he got to my name before I did. But then when I was talking to him I was nervous and jittery. Couldnt talk right...lol... at least I was able to look into his eyes/ lock a glance with him when I talked to him. Very very nice eyes. Very nice everything, really.

The thing is, this would not be a big deal were it not for a few things:

-I think I have seen him looking at me during class.
-I think he has seen me looking at him during class.
-I'm sure he's gay as well. (I have my sources ;) ).

So I am sort of embarassed. Because now i have to talk to him. And he knows (probably) that i've checked him out in class.... STUPID STUPID STUPID me... lollll.... oops.

This is ironic because I foresaw this happening. It would only happen to someone as lucky is me. lol.... I WORRIED that this would happen. And then I was relieved. And then I was shown who's boss: Me, or Chance. Chance & Irony won.