Anxiety. Ansiedad. Angst. Bezorgdheid. Inquiétude.

One word, five languages, for how I feel. I hate feeling this way... yet this blog is a huge catharsis that I need. I am blaring classical music. Chopin, Polonaise. Opera now...Andrea Bocelli. I realize I don't make much sense, but at the current time I dont know what exactly I am feeling except for inner turmoil. I dont know what brought it on.

Its like someone has a tight grip on your ribcage and you cant breathe. You breathe through a straw. Or you have your face stuffed into a pillow. I feel uneasy and unrestful. Tired.

I am living day to day, and even that is becoming difficult. Its hard to pretend like everything is fine, when its not. All I want is some peace, I just have no clue how to get it anymore. I dont know how to stop being afraid. I am afraid of everything. And yet I have everything going for me. I am smart enough to tackle anything I want, if I just try hard enough. I have good enough looks that I could find people to be with. I am caring, and good to those around me. I am not a jerk. I dont have to worry about finances. I have a supportive family. Yet I feel like I have a hole inside of me. I feel like I am losing everything, control, religion, family, life.

I feel sad because it SEEMS like many Gay Mormons still feel like God loves them no matter what, or maybe that the church is just not completely right. Or something. I feel like I've lost all of that. Everything that was once solid in my life has turned into mush. I question every belief I've ever had. I feel like, well if one thing is wrong, maybe everything I've ever thought or felt is wrong. I feel so insecure. Back when I had zero sexual drives (because I would repress them) I just walked around and gave myself to my friends, and that was great. I feel selfish for wanting something that is supposedly so wrong. I feel stupid for 'allowing' this to happen. I LET myself fall for the guy here at school. I still have feelings for him. How could I be so stupid. Maybe if I didn't allow myself admit my feelings to him and myself, I wouldn't be in this position now.

Maybe

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	5.8
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	4.2
Friends/Family:	6.2
Love:	2.1
Finance:	5.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Apparently I am lacking in "love" and "spirit". There's a bloody surprise. lol.... and its true. I am lacking in both now. There was only one question that stumped me: "Do you believe things happen for a reason?" I used to. Now I am not so sure anymore. Now sometimes I think shi* just happens. I dont know. I think maybe it does happen for a reason. So I answered yes. But why did my friend's mom get uterine cancer? why was I born into a mormon family and then turn out to be attracted to men? why was there a tsunami? Is there a reason for that... or does it just happen because life sucks?

Religion & Violence

Iraq. What a mess. I usually dont get political, but I will, today.

Here's a headline from the Associated Press, for today:

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Gunmen shot dead 47 civilians and left their bodies in a ditch near Baghdad Thursday as militia battles and sectarian reprisals followed the bombing of a sacred Shiite shrine. Sunni Arabs suspended their participation in talks on a new government. At least 47 other bodies were found scattered across Iraq, many of them shot execution-style and dumped in Shiite-dominated parts of Baghdad.

Well isnt this lovely. I must say, for all the good religion does for the individual, it seems to do 5 or 10 times more damage to the group. Yes, you say its all about the religions being misconstrued. Yes, in Iraq its about sectarian differences. Shi'a vs. Sunni. But supposedly the end of the world will come one of these days, not too far off, so we hear. And its going to be more violence. And yeah, all the "bad" people will be scourged from the earth. In a bloodbath. And then it should be perfect. Well, my question is why would God, who is perfect, use violence against those he loves? Violence is okay in contexts X, Y and Z, but not in A, B and C. It doesnt make sense.

Its ugly, all of this. We look at the world today and we see it divided up. Jew vs. Muslim vs. Christian vs. Hindu vs. Buddhist. Why should it be this way. Why IS it this way? Its because we assume that "we" are the only right ones. Islam assumes Allah is supreme. The Christians preach of Jesus' return, his earth life and crucifixion- these are the only truths, according to these religions. Mormonism has, in its very young history remained a peaceful religion, (except for at the beginning....). But it too has its martyrs.... Again, we assume our way is the right way. "I know the church is true," we say every testimony meeting. There could be no other possible way. And this is not only in Mormonism, but again, any other religion. And so when the doctrines, agendas and politics conflict, so to do our bodies. We end up with millions dead, maimed, tortured, in the name of something that claims to be perfect, and right. How is it possible for people to get it so wrong?

Maybe we should open our eyes and realize that we actually do share the world with others. Maybe we are all wrong about our religions. Maybe we should realize that Jesus was called the Prince of Peace for a reason. Maybe peace is the only righteous way to go.

"I like your Chirst, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi

I think this quote to be true for any other religion as well. For Muslims, its Muhammad or Ali... for Jews its the Prophets of old. All with good intentions, gone completely awry. It's time for the world to stand up and realize that we are destroying each other. We've been through this so many times. History repeats itself. When will we learn that violence and destruction in the name of religion is as good as burning all the meaning that these religions have? Put away your guns, knives and bombs. Jesus said to turn the other cheek.

The fundamentalist christian movement in the U.S. is not preaching peace. Fred Phelps is not peaceful. Neither are the other ministries who teach that christianity is the only way. A look in history confirms that every great (major) religion has violence in its past- skeletons in the closet, in my eyes. Catholics. Protestants. Muslims. Jews. Mormons. Hindus. When will people wake up? Stop trying to convert each other, to CHANGE people. When will people just be. Just accept others' religions. When will religion be left alone to be what it should be: peaceful, loving, merciful. Why cant the world get it right?

Four

Apparently Doktor2Be tagged me to do this little traveling meme...whatever a meme is, I am not sure. I call it a chain letter / survey thing. lol. Could you believe I go to a top 50 university? I am not as dumb as I sound, I promise.

Here are four items for each category:

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
- Intern at a large non-profit org.
- Journalist for the University paper
- Mowing lawns
- uh..... Yeah. Really I've only had two... I only mowed the lawn for pay for my parents. LOL.

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
- French Kiss
- Clueless
- The Interpreter
- Never Been Kissed or Ever After... I cant decide.

Four Places I've Lived:
- I've only lived in two... and I am afraid to say where the other one is... One of them is a very distinct (cool) place that is not in the United States...its not western.
- Washington D.C.

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
- ER
- Simpsons
- Will and Grace
- CNN, lol. (gotta stay updated on world events!!)

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
-London
-Aruba
-Italy
-Greece

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
-My blog
-bmwusa.com
-germancarfans.com
-expedia.com

Four Favorite Foods:
-Chinese- Szechwan string beans
-Thai- Pad Prik king
-Indian- Butter Chicken
-Middle Eastern- Anything

Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
-India - Delhi, Bombay, Taj Mahal
-Japan - Tokyo, Osaka, Mt. Fuji...
-Bali - why wouldnt you want to go there? Gorgeous. Hello?
-China- Hong Kong, the great wall......among many, many, many others.

Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
GayMormon
Foxx
Gaysofmylife
HawaiiDave

How am I feeling?

Tired, is my answer to that question. I dont understand why I can't just be okay with it. There is no rule that says I have to act on anything. But why cant I just be okay. Why can't I let myself feel? Its like now I have completely shut myself off. I feel attracted to almost no one....even then its just like. Oh. he's cute. The sparkle is all gone. Sometimes I have nice delusional thoughts like, oh maybe this is a miracle, maybe I am changing to straightness somehow. Stupid. It's not a miracle. Its depression... depressed people have no sex drive. But I feel like its been worse. When I still was "straight" to myself, I didnt have these problems. I just noticed the guys and that was it. It didnt mean anything I didnt want it to mean. Now its a whole different ball game (no pun intended), and I dont know why I am not normal in this. I feel like running away. Somewhere far. I've always wanted to go to India. I think that woud be beautiful. I desire companionship. With someone. A girl beacause thats what everyone else does. A guy because I think they are attractive, and because I can have it all, the personality and the attraction. But girls, guys...everyone is so full of baggage. My sister asked me if I ever really felt the urge to kiss a girl, if I ever felt tingly around a girl. No, not really I said. So why is this so difficult. Why can I not believe it? Do I need to go out there and find some girl to hook up with when I can tell you now that I have little if any desire to try anything out with a girl? Even dancing up on a girl in a way that is provocative makes me just laugh. These guys get all worked up over some girls' ass being pushed up into their crotch while dancing. I am always running away from that, and no there is never a passing thought of 'this is nice'.

Maybe I am still hung up on someone...the guy who I go to school with. Too bad he is out of the country studying abroad. I miss his presence. I miss his eyes that are honest and the lightest blue grey that I've ever seen. Like ice. Like the clouds that swirl in the sky during a storm. I miss his phone calls and his voice, and the fact that he is a coffee addict and I get to yell at him about that. Maybe my problem is that I cant think of any one else really, but him. I think of him every day. And I wish I could just hug him, have him embrace me. And maybe then I'd be okay again.

what. is. wrong. with. me.?

Today....

Today I went to the mall, only to run into my younger brother who is still in high school, with one of his friends. My brother looks up to me in 2 things: my academic achievements and my sense of style (ha, go figure.) Anyways, today he was bragging to his friend saying, 'my brother is so cool, he always looks good..." and his friend said something to the effect that such behavior is either 'gay' or 'stupid' or 'girly' .... I couldnt hear his friend. But then my brother stopped in his tracks and said, "my brother isnt gay, man." And I half frowned, half smiled to myself.

It made me feel sad that my younger bro thinks its a bad thing. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised, he is still in high school, where everything bad is 'gay'. It just reminds me how much I hate that kind of mentality. And it saddens me because I am not close with him, and I don't want him to really be upset, withdrawn or disgusted when he finds out. I've voiced this worry to a lot of my friends and my family, but they all tell me not to worry. What can I do? Try to draw closer to him so when the time comes for me to tell him, he may be less reactive? I dunno.... argh.

__________________________

In other news, I got a fantastic massage today, including minty body oils and lotions. And hot stones on my feet and back. It was very awesome. I also bought a pair of Seven A-Pocket jeans for a very good price...ok, just kidding...they were cheap cuz I exchanged them for a pair of jeans that I got for christmas that were too big...hahahaha. What better way to make yourself feel better than to indulge? lol...actually I indulged before I felt bad....so it evens out. :)

"Stupid Girls"

I just saw Pink's new music video, called "Stupid Girls" Its QUITE hilarious. Makes fun of:

-Jessica Simpson
-Paris Hilton
-Nicole Richie
-Tori Spelling?
-Olsen Twins....

Hilarious, and has a pretty good message all along. I encourage you all to check it out. Google it and you'll find it. Catchy song! :)

Where am I?

I feel sort of lost recently. As usual playing up my 'confusion'. Or feeling confused. I think I've shut my sexuality off....because its like, I dont really know what I feel anymore. Its tiring, its confusing.

I go clubbing with my friends and imagine actually dancing like all those fools do.... practically humping each other in public. They seem to enjoy it. I have danced like that...and it always made me feel uncomfortable and ridiculous, quasi grossed out, never once was there a hint of 'Ooh, I actually kind of like this.' But going to clubs like the one I went to last night, you see only the most beautiful people. Everyone looks good. I end up checking out every guy, every girl, to see if there is 'something'. I am told this is a normal stage for lots of gay guys. But I am tired of questioning.... tired of wanting to be 100 percent sure... but at the same time I feel like I know I'm gay, but that this is just my mind trying to deny it- cognitive dissonance.

The other day, I tried to build the 'perfect' woman in my head.... one that would turn me on, I guess. Nothing really came to mind. lol. I also thought about all these girls that I have 'liked' in the past- I dont remember honestly looking anywhere but their face on any of them. One of them was very pretty, but I dunno, there is always something wrong with them.... I just also dont imagine myself getting all excited about sexual things with a girl. Lets be blunt here; I am supposed to want to put my mouth where? lol. Um no, gross. I've seen tons of breasts at topless beaches in Europe. Big deal, they are boobs... I dont get the fascination. Ok so nowI sound so sure that I am gay. How is it that every day I wake up with the same worry about the 2% chance that I am not? Oy. Moving on. At least with guys there are REAL ones that I am attracted to....

A friend told me, ____, you appreciate beauty wherever you see it, if you see a pretty girl, it doesnt mean you are attracted to her, even if you think she is beautiful. My other friend (a girl) told me, "I think angelina Jolie is like HOT, she is GORGEOUS, but I dont want to do her." Me neither. I'd rather do Brad too (when he was starring in Troy... lol)..... oops did I say that?

I need to stop analyzing so much, and let myself feel again.....