Tired, is my answer to that question. I dont understand why I can't just be okay with it. There is no rule that says I have to act on anything. But why cant I just be okay. Why can't I let myself feel? Its like now I have completely shut myself off. I feel attracted to almost no one....even then its just like. Oh. he's cute. The sparkle is all gone. Sometimes I have nice delusional thoughts like, oh maybe this is a miracle, maybe I am changing to straightness somehow. Stupid. It's not a miracle. Its depression... depressed people have no sex drive. But I feel like its been worse. When I still was "straight" to myself, I didnt have these problems. I just noticed the guys and that was it. It didnt mean anything I didnt want it to mean. Now its a whole different ball game (no pun intended), and I dont know why I am not normal in this. I feel like running away. Somewhere far. I've always wanted to go to India. I think that woud be beautiful. I desire companionship. With someone. A girl beacause thats what everyone else does. A guy because I think they are attractive, and because I can have it all, the personality and the attraction. But girls, guys...everyone is so full of baggage. My sister asked me if I ever really felt the urge to kiss a girl, if I ever felt tingly around a girl. No, not really I said. So why is this so difficult. Why can I not believe it? Do I need to go out there and find some girl to hook up with when I can tell you now that I have little if any desire to try anything out with a girl? Even dancing up on a girl in a way that is provocative makes me just laugh. These guys get all worked up over some girls' ass being pushed up into their crotch while dancing. I am always running away from that, and no there is never a passing thought of 'this is nice'.
Maybe I am still hung up on someone...the guy who I go to school with. Too bad he is out of the country studying abroad. I miss his presence. I miss his eyes that are honest and the lightest blue grey that I've ever seen. Like ice. Like the clouds that swirl in the sky during a storm. I miss his phone calls and his voice, and the fact that he is a coffee addict and I get to yell at him about that. Maybe my problem is that I cant think of any one else really, but him. I think of him every day. And I wish I could just hug him, have him embrace me. And maybe then I'd be okay again.
what. is. wrong. with. me.?
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5 comments:
Oh, DCTwisted, you're all over the place today. India? Finding a girl to get together with? Delusional thoughts of miraculously becoming straight? Sheesh.
Is there still snow around from that weekend storm, or did it melt already? Go out and build a snowman. Build an anatomically correct snowman while you're at it. Give yourself a little break.
Listen: You will have companionship, you will have someone to hug and embrace you, you will have happiness. Give it time; it will happen.
Regarding the guy you go to school with, I'm tempted to say, Honey, get over it! You can't sit there pining away for him the whole time he's gone!
But I won't say that, because, since I've myself been diagnosed as having depression, I know that it can be hard to "get over it." So instead, I say, Snap out of it! ; )
Try to take things day by day. Do small things that take your mind off what depresses you. Eat a brownie. Watch a funny TV show. Go outside and get some fresh air.
If you're not seeing a therapist, I recommend that you start doing so. It's helpful, big-time.
Things will get better. You'll have more wonderful experiences, such as when you came out to your brother.
If you ever need someone just to talk with and unload on, let me know. We can be depressed together!
Dave
You're human! That's what's wrong with you. ;)
You know this, but my sex drive has been way down over the past month or so. I attribute it to normal cycles. If this cycle extends into 2007, then we'll chalk it up as a real problem.
I understand your desire to run to India! It's colder than a witch's titty in D.C.!!! But don't worry, winter is almost over.
I read your entries and I can't help but smile to myself. You are really sweet. You seem so tender in a really great way.
I know that it is hard right now...believe me I KNOW! I feel for you, and want so badly for you to be happy.
I read an article yesterday that made a point of saying that while being happy and sad at different times in our lives is part of being human, being happy is a choice just as much as being sad is a choice. Of course it is easier said than done, but I think you know what I mean. Just try like dave said to do something for yourself that would make you happy if it's only for 5 minutes.
Honestly, don't you think you deserve to be happy? I think you do. I KNOW that you do. Sometimes it's just as easy as forgiving yourself, and recognizing that you merit that smile you feel underneath all that sad stuff.
I just want to run over and give you a big hug and take you out on the town!
awww... You guys are the best. :) Thanks for the comments.
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