I feel sort of lost recently. As usual playing up my 'confusion'. Or feeling confused. I think I've shut my sexuality off....because its like, I dont really know what I feel anymore. Its tiring, its confusing.
I go clubbing with my friends and imagine actually dancing like all those fools do.... practically humping each other in public. They seem to enjoy it. I have danced like that...and it always made me feel uncomfortable and ridiculous, quasi grossed out, never once was there a hint of 'Ooh, I actually kind of like this.' But going to clubs like the one I went to last night, you see only the most beautiful people. Everyone looks good. I end up checking out every guy, every girl, to see if there is 'something'. I am told this is a normal stage for lots of gay guys. But I am tired of questioning.... tired of wanting to be 100 percent sure... but at the same time I feel like I know I'm gay, but that this is just my mind trying to deny it- cognitive dissonance.
The other day, I tried to build the 'perfect' woman in my head.... one that would turn me on, I guess. Nothing really came to mind. lol. I also thought about all these girls that I have 'liked' in the past- I dont remember honestly looking anywhere but their face on any of them. One of them was very pretty, but I dunno, there is always something wrong with them.... I just also dont imagine myself getting all excited about sexual things with a girl. Lets be blunt here; I am supposed to want to put my mouth where? lol. Um no, gross. I've seen tons of breasts at topless beaches in Europe. Big deal, they are boobs... I dont get the fascination. Ok so nowI sound so sure that I am gay. How is it that every day I wake up with the same worry about the 2% chance that I am not? Oy. Moving on. At least with guys there are REAL ones that I am attracted to....
A friend told me, ____, you appreciate beauty wherever you see it, if you see a pretty girl, it doesnt mean you are attracted to her, even if you think she is beautiful. My other friend (a girl) told me, "I think angelina Jolie is like HOT, she is GORGEOUS, but I dont want to do her." Me neither. I'd rather do Brad too (when he was starring in Troy... lol)..... oops did I say that?
I need to stop analyzing so much, and let myself feel again.....
4 comments:
"I need to stop analyzing so much, and let myself feel again....."
Yes! But I think you'd do well to follow Gay Mormon's example: Take baby steps.
Deep down, you know the truth. That 2% is just you not accepting it. You know who you are and the sooner you start to love yourself and live as yourself (That doesn't mean you have to jump into a sexual realtionship) the happier you will be.
I end up checking out every guy, every girl, to see if there is 'something'.
A year and a half ago, I was doing this very thing. And I was 98% sure I was straight. I would wonder what was wrong with me that I wasn't attracted to girls in that 'wanna rip their clothes off' kind of way. I mean, I thought they were great! But I just didn't see the physical appeal. On the flipside, guys weren't particularly titillating either.
Cognitive dissonance, you say? I'd say. Thank god I'm gay.
I totally know what you're going through...but you're right, it's just better to stop analyzing and just relax and let things flow.
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