Just now I had a small release. I've been stressed with school, and today is just one of my days where I am worrying about everything related to my sexuality. I was studying and I just crumbled, when I heard a silly song... called 'my sister', by Reba McEntire (I dont even really like country, but I happened to come across that song...). Anyways, the words really moved me... and made me cry a bit, lol, which is something I rarely do. If I am sad it usually turns into anxiety, and I feel wound up and empty all at the same time. I actually LIKE to cry sometimes because its such a good release of negativity. Anyway....
Lyrics
Lol....there is a part that talks about playing barbie dolls and dress up.... lol, which I never really did with them (I have two sisters). But I do remember just silly fun things that we did, and that we still do now. The point of the song is really about feeling gratitude for my sisters. And I realized how much they have been there for me during this whole thing that I am going through. Just the fact that they have been so supportive of me means so much to me and I should be more grateful for that. I wish I could express that enough to them. Soon I will do something extra nice for them. They do deserve it.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Shakira- No Creo (I dont believe)
I just wanted to share another amazing song by Shakira. She has some great lyrics. This is one of her older songs from her third album (came out around 1999). I did my best to translate the lyrics so they make more sense in english, not necesarily to be an exact translation. (Doktor 2 be, I hope my translation skills are up to par!)
Sólo tú sabes bien quien soy Only you know well who I am
Y por eso es tuyo mí corazón And so my heart is yours
Sólo tú doblas mi razón Only you bend my reason
Y por eso a donde tú quieras voy And so wherever you want I'll go
No creo que el mar algún dia I dont believe that the sea,
Pierda el sabor a sal One day will lose its salty flavor
No creo en mi todavía I dont believe in me yet
No creo en el azar I dont believe in fate.
Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile
En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal
En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me
Y en todo lo que digas In everything you say
Si hablo demasiado If I speak too much
No dejes de lado Dont leave my side
Que nadie más te amará así Cause no one will love you like that
Como lo hago yo like I do
No creo en venus ni en marte I dont believe in venus or mars
No creo en carlos marx I dont believe in Karl Marx
No creo en jean paul sartre I dont beleive in Jean Paul Sartre
No creo en brian weiss I dont believe in Brian Weiss
Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile
En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal
En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me
Y hablen lo que hablen And they say what they say
Ay yo quiero ser tu firmamento I want to be your heaven
De tu boca una canción A song from your mouth
De tus alas siempre ser el viento The wind from your wings,
Tu terrón de sal Your pinch of salt
Un rayo de sol A ray of sunlight
Que a donde digas que tú That goes wherever you say
Quieres que yo vaya voy Wherever you want I'll go
Que eres mi desliz, mi país feliz That you're my happiness, my happy country,
Mi primavera My spring
Mi escalera al cielo si My stairway to heaven
Por eso sigo aquí y camino contigo And so I'll follow here and walk with you
A tí nunca podría decirte que no To you I could never say no....
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Unzipped
It appears my period of relief was relatively short lived. I mean, everything I said in my last post is true, I'm still much less confused, but....still confused and sad and angry in other respects. I know I should probably see a therapist, I believe in therapy, but there are complications....like getting money to pay for it from my parents, and trying to avoid their questions regarding that...
But the major issue today and yesterday was my general feelings of anger. The majority of days I am okay now, I dont know if I use "ok" a little too generously here, but alas, its the word I will choose. Anyway, I usually feel okay, or blah enough that I just dont care, or that the general feeling of negativity that I have is not above its baseline threshold. But yesterday I was angry. I drove around in my car, driving way too fast, listening to a good song that goes:
I dont wanna hear,
I dont wanna know,
Please don't say you're sorry,
I've heard it all before,
And I,
Can't take it anymore.
Thats "Sorry" by Madonna. How appropriate....a Madonna song that describes my feelings. I seem unable to get out of this angry place, or the sad place. I am so stuck... but sometimes I am not. Sometimes I have fleeting moments where I feel that I will be okay, and that I have to make it okay. I have the power, I tell myself. Then there are the low moments where I think about guns, knives, or car accidents that would all lead to my demise.
I wonder if God even cares that I feel this way. Or the millions of other people that are in my shoes. So many of them have it worse than I do. I dont understand how this 'organization' that is supposed to represent the church- and more importantly- GOD- can cause me and so many others so much pain. Its mindboggling pain.... how is that okay with God?
My mom asked me to go to church this morning. "Aren't you gonna get up and go to church?" I didnt reply. I just laid in bed, silent. "I guess not," she said as I heard her heels click down the hallway. I am tired of dissappointing her. I wish I could go and be happy there. I wish I could go and feel like I am not being chased by all these people who want me to do this and that and who want to check up on me and make sure I'm not 'slipping' away. I havent gone to church all year long... I am too tired. I am disappointed in myself. I always tell myself, I'll go next week, next week... and I wake up and I am too sad, or too tired to even bother. It's a lot to handle. Isnt it? Or am I just being a baby?
I wish I could just tell my mom. I wish I could tell her and not feel like I'd be bringing her as low as I am now. But my mom is broken. Just like I am broken. Except she has been broken for years. I dont want to pulverize the pieces she is in to dust. And I dont get it. She is such a good woman. The church promises some happiness if you follow...and she follows. And where is her happiness? Maybe its just a BS Promise. I dont know. If I felt like she could handle it, I would tell her more readily. But maybe she can and I am not giving her enough credit for 20 years of depression.
Maybe I am a recovering mormon. Maybe there's no need for me to try to reconcile mormonism and homosexuality. Maybe I should just move on. I am not really sure what I should do. Sometimes I wonder why I am so worried about probably not being a part of a church that has made me sad my entire life. No joke, I can nary remember one happy memory from church. Maybe there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering. On the whole church from the beginning of my life, till now, has been a very disappointing and saddening experience. Maybe I have made it that way. Perhaps I didnt try hard enough. But look at my mom, she spent her whole life making the pursuit of happiness through the church, and it hasn't brought her much happiness either.
I was talking with a friend about me a week or so ago, and I told her how it felt for me to come to all of these realizations. How I felt, how I feel, as my own world came caving in on me: It's like someone has unzipped me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. All of me and everything has spilled outside onto the ground. Much of me has ended up down the drains, past the point of recovery. I will have to replace those parts. I will have to zip myself up again, make myself whole. I'll replace my kidneys, my bowels, my bellybutton must go in its proper place again. I'll reassemble my ribs and my arms and legs. My legs are still a little intact because I am still running. One day I'll have my heart set right where it should be, right in my chest, a little off center, a little to the left side. And when I'm all zipped up again, I will hopefully carry a smile that is real. I will feel again.
But the major issue today and yesterday was my general feelings of anger. The majority of days I am okay now, I dont know if I use "ok" a little too generously here, but alas, its the word I will choose. Anyway, I usually feel okay, or blah enough that I just dont care, or that the general feeling of negativity that I have is not above its baseline threshold. But yesterday I was angry. I drove around in my car, driving way too fast, listening to a good song that goes:
I dont wanna hear,
I dont wanna know,
Please don't say you're sorry,
I've heard it all before,
And I,
Can't take it anymore.
Thats "Sorry" by Madonna. How appropriate....a Madonna song that describes my feelings. I seem unable to get out of this angry place, or the sad place. I am so stuck... but sometimes I am not. Sometimes I have fleeting moments where I feel that I will be okay, and that I have to make it okay. I have the power, I tell myself. Then there are the low moments where I think about guns, knives, or car accidents that would all lead to my demise.
I wonder if God even cares that I feel this way. Or the millions of other people that are in my shoes. So many of them have it worse than I do. I dont understand how this 'organization' that is supposed to represent the church- and more importantly- GOD- can cause me and so many others so much pain. Its mindboggling pain.... how is that okay with God?
My mom asked me to go to church this morning. "Aren't you gonna get up and go to church?" I didnt reply. I just laid in bed, silent. "I guess not," she said as I heard her heels click down the hallway. I am tired of dissappointing her. I wish I could go and be happy there. I wish I could go and feel like I am not being chased by all these people who want me to do this and that and who want to check up on me and make sure I'm not 'slipping' away. I havent gone to church all year long... I am too tired. I am disappointed in myself. I always tell myself, I'll go next week, next week... and I wake up and I am too sad, or too tired to even bother. It's a lot to handle. Isnt it? Or am I just being a baby?
I wish I could just tell my mom. I wish I could tell her and not feel like I'd be bringing her as low as I am now. But my mom is broken. Just like I am broken. Except she has been broken for years. I dont want to pulverize the pieces she is in to dust. And I dont get it. She is such a good woman. The church promises some happiness if you follow...and she follows. And where is her happiness? Maybe its just a BS Promise. I dont know. If I felt like she could handle it, I would tell her more readily. But maybe she can and I am not giving her enough credit for 20 years of depression.
Maybe I am a recovering mormon. Maybe there's no need for me to try to reconcile mormonism and homosexuality. Maybe I should just move on. I am not really sure what I should do. Sometimes I wonder why I am so worried about probably not being a part of a church that has made me sad my entire life. No joke, I can nary remember one happy memory from church. Maybe there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering. On the whole church from the beginning of my life, till now, has been a very disappointing and saddening experience. Maybe I have made it that way. Perhaps I didnt try hard enough. But look at my mom, she spent her whole life making the pursuit of happiness through the church, and it hasn't brought her much happiness either.
I was talking with a friend about me a week or so ago, and I told her how it felt for me to come to all of these realizations. How I felt, how I feel, as my own world came caving in on me: It's like someone has unzipped me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. All of me and everything has spilled outside onto the ground. Much of me has ended up down the drains, past the point of recovery. I will have to replace those parts. I will have to zip myself up again, make myself whole. I'll replace my kidneys, my bowels, my bellybutton must go in its proper place again. I'll reassemble my ribs and my arms and legs. My legs are still a little intact because I am still running. One day I'll have my heart set right where it should be, right in my chest, a little off center, a little to the left side. And when I'm all zipped up again, I will hopefully carry a smile that is real. I will feel again.
Friday, March 17, 2006
A Trip!
After a long absence I am back! I was in FL, at the beach for spring break. It was good, except I got sick (flu) and am still recovering from it. Needless to say it was a great break just to be away from everything for a few days....
One thing I did notice, was that I really wasnt 'confused' anymore when seeing people, in terms of attraction. It felt so much better to just feel attraction to guys and not worry about the rest. Girls were there, plenty of beautiful ones, but I could calmly look at them and see that I was not really interested. Period. It was not some big vacillating decision of 'am I attracted to you or not'? Maybe it helped that there were a HERDS of young guys (my age) from colleges in FL that apparently go to the gym a lot.... all of them had such great bodies. lol.... yummy, is all I have to say. Anyways....it was nice to start feeling that I am more comfortable with it, I feel sort of better that I've stopped fighting it I guess. That doesnt mean I'm gonna go off and start hooking up with tons of people (or anyone) for that matter, but it does make me feel better that I am okay with being gay. It really is an improved state of being.
Current mood: relieved.
One thing I did notice, was that I really wasnt 'confused' anymore when seeing people, in terms of attraction. It felt so much better to just feel attraction to guys and not worry about the rest. Girls were there, plenty of beautiful ones, but I could calmly look at them and see that I was not really interested. Period. It was not some big vacillating decision of 'am I attracted to you or not'? Maybe it helped that there were a HERDS of young guys (my age) from colleges in FL that apparently go to the gym a lot.... all of them had such great bodies. lol.... yummy, is all I have to say. Anyways....it was nice to start feeling that I am more comfortable with it, I feel sort of better that I've stopped fighting it I guess. That doesnt mean I'm gonna go off and start hooking up with tons of people (or anyone) for that matter, but it does make me feel better that I am okay with being gay. It really is an improved state of being.
Current mood: relieved.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Straight Guys.
Well I thought I'd post something funny for a change... I realize some of you may be offended by what will follow, but thats whats so great about the blog. I can say what I want and you can get as mad as you want. And its okay. (Actually its not gonna be offensive, just poking fun.)
Okay. So let me slip into my stereotypical gay shoes (Prada of course). And now let me ask some questions about these creatures that I have come to call straight guys.
1. How many times are you going to say "dude" or "man" in a sentence?
2. Why do you still wear carpenter jeans that they (EVERYONE) stopped selling about 3 or 4 years ago?
3. Does it make you feel more macho to get 'double meat' at Chipotle? (An awesome place where they make these huge burritos...fyi.)
4. Tube socks?
5. Socks and sandals!?!?!
6. Do you go to the gym to work out, or do you simply go to strut around with puffed up muscles in front of all of those girls who are perpetually running on the treadmills and on the elliptical machines?
7. Is it that funny when someone burps, farts or goes to the bathroom?
8. Which is better for you? "Tits" or "Ass"? (I personally go with ass because thats what guys have.)
9. Why is everything that is 'stupid' 'dumb' or 'retarded' also called "gay" "homo" or "fag"? I didnt know all gay people were stupid or mentally challenged.
10. Does it really count when you could have hooked up with her but didnt? (In other words, you're all talk).
11. Why the need to get completely belligerent/ violent when you start to drink?
12. Why are you so dirty? (unclean, messy, etc)
13. How can you NOT love Madonna, Mariah Carey, or Shakira? (haha)
14. Do you really have to talk all quiet when you ask me about self care, like what to wear, how to do your hair etc? Is it a secret that you have to get dressed to go out, and that you want to look good?
15. Your penis is NOT that big. (if it is, got proof?)
lol... okay so some will appreciate those questions, and others won't, even amongst the gay community. I hate to be 'stereotypicall gay', but hey...I am only me- neither uber macho nor a queen. Though regardless of sexuality I have some good points on some of them, I think :-P.... well, anyways. I hope you all got a laugh from one or more of my questions.... if anyone has insightful answers to any of thes inquiries, feel free to let me know.
Cheers.
Okay. So let me slip into my stereotypical gay shoes (Prada of course). And now let me ask some questions about these creatures that I have come to call straight guys.
1. How many times are you going to say "dude" or "man" in a sentence?
2. Why do you still wear carpenter jeans that they (EVERYONE) stopped selling about 3 or 4 years ago?
3. Does it make you feel more macho to get 'double meat' at Chipotle? (An awesome place where they make these huge burritos...fyi.)
4. Tube socks?
5. Socks and sandals!?!?!
6. Do you go to the gym to work out, or do you simply go to strut around with puffed up muscles in front of all of those girls who are perpetually running on the treadmills and on the elliptical machines?
7. Is it that funny when someone burps, farts or goes to the bathroom?
8. Which is better for you? "Tits" or "Ass"? (I personally go with ass because thats what guys have.)
9. Why is everything that is 'stupid' 'dumb' or 'retarded' also called "gay" "homo" or "fag"? I didnt know all gay people were stupid or mentally challenged.
10. Does it really count when you could have hooked up with her but didnt? (In other words, you're all talk).
11. Why the need to get completely belligerent/ violent when you start to drink?
12. Why are you so dirty? (unclean, messy, etc)
13. How can you NOT love Madonna, Mariah Carey, or Shakira? (haha)
14. Do you really have to talk all quiet when you ask me about self care, like what to wear, how to do your hair etc? Is it a secret that you have to get dressed to go out, and that you want to look good?
15. Your penis is NOT that big. (if it is, got proof?)
lol... okay so some will appreciate those questions, and others won't, even amongst the gay community. I hate to be 'stereotypicall gay', but hey...I am only me- neither uber macho nor a queen. Though regardless of sexuality I have some good points on some of them, I think :-P.... well, anyways. I hope you all got a laugh from one or more of my questions.... if anyone has insightful answers to any of thes inquiries, feel free to let me know.
Cheers.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
A Letter.
A couple of nights ago I took some time to write a letter to my mom, about me. I dont know when or if I'll ever send it to her. It talks about my 'struggle' and everything that I have been going through regarding my sexuality, anxiety and depression and what not. Its not nearly "done" I will edit and re-edit and edit some more. Maybe I'll never send it, maybe I will just tell her out loud. This way seems nice though, because it allows me to organize my thoughts....
It was hard to know what to say. I wrote it and just had a flood of thoughts, so many that I couldnt keep them straight, I just was writing in a stream of consciousness style rather than in a very organized one....
Here's an excerpt...a very small one...so you get the idea of how long it is.
The truth is, I believe that people are judged based on the how they lead their lives, if they were good, caring people. I feel that if I can accept this, I won’t have to be so selfish, I won’t have to worry about me anymore. I can give myself to others. The church places this huge emphasis on family, on finding a life partner, someone to love. LOVE in general. Is it my fault that I don’t fit their mold of what that should be? Should I be denied the right to love someone else because I am not attracted to women? Should I be alone forever? Am I not worthy of love from another person for whom there is mutual love? My answer to all those questions is no. In my efforts to run, I convinced myself that I would never love anyone, that I didn’t want to, and that love is dead. There is no such thing as Love, I told myself. The truth is, the church doesn’t know what to do with their policy on homosexuality. They label it as wrong, and that’s that. The changes they have made, such as banning polygamy and accepting blacks into the priesthood were more than anything, political. I think in time they may change their stance on gays.
I don’t know what I am asking of you. Simply that you accept me, and love me, and not to treat me differently because of this. I am taking a huge risk by telling you this. But I know you’ve ‘worried’ about this issue regarding me. Now at least you know. I know this will take time to digest. I would simply ask that when you see me you don’t judge me. That you don’t feel disgusted by me. That maybe one day if I ever have a significant other you would welcome him to the family just as warmly as you welcome everyone else.
Thats the idea. I will write another one for my dad separately. I have very different relationships with both of my parents and so I cannot just write a "one-size-fits-all" letter. I think its better that way. My parents have different approaches to life. My dad for instance doesnt go to church so I dont think the religious part would bother him so much. I think more than anything it would be social stigma.... but he is also pretty open minded so he might get over it faster than my mom... that would be ironic for me, since I am closer with my mom than my dad.
Anyhow. Any thoughts on that little excerpt? Its not much compared to what I wrote... but I feel like if I showed the whole thing to the world I would be betraying its importance. Maybe thats a weird sentiment. Oh well. Thats all you get to see! :-P
It was hard to know what to say. I wrote it and just had a flood of thoughts, so many that I couldnt keep them straight, I just was writing in a stream of consciousness style rather than in a very organized one....
Here's an excerpt...a very small one...so you get the idea of how long it is.
The truth is, I believe that people are judged based on the how they lead their lives, if they were good, caring people. I feel that if I can accept this, I won’t have to be so selfish, I won’t have to worry about me anymore. I can give myself to others. The church places this huge emphasis on family, on finding a life partner, someone to love. LOVE in general. Is it my fault that I don’t fit their mold of what that should be? Should I be denied the right to love someone else because I am not attracted to women? Should I be alone forever? Am I not worthy of love from another person for whom there is mutual love? My answer to all those questions is no. In my efforts to run, I convinced myself that I would never love anyone, that I didn’t want to, and that love is dead. There is no such thing as Love, I told myself. The truth is, the church doesn’t know what to do with their policy on homosexuality. They label it as wrong, and that’s that. The changes they have made, such as banning polygamy and accepting blacks into the priesthood were more than anything, political. I think in time they may change their stance on gays.
I don’t know what I am asking of you. Simply that you accept me, and love me, and not to treat me differently because of this. I am taking a huge risk by telling you this. But I know you’ve ‘worried’ about this issue regarding me. Now at least you know. I know this will take time to digest. I would simply ask that when you see me you don’t judge me. That you don’t feel disgusted by me. That maybe one day if I ever have a significant other you would welcome him to the family just as warmly as you welcome everyone else.
Thats the idea. I will write another one for my dad separately. I have very different relationships with both of my parents and so I cannot just write a "one-size-fits-all" letter. I think its better that way. My parents have different approaches to life. My dad for instance doesnt go to church so I dont think the religious part would bother him so much. I think more than anything it would be social stigma.... but he is also pretty open minded so he might get over it faster than my mom... that would be ironic for me, since I am closer with my mom than my dad.
Anyhow. Any thoughts on that little excerpt? Its not much compared to what I wrote... but I feel like if I showed the whole thing to the world I would be betraying its importance. Maybe thats a weird sentiment. Oh well. Thats all you get to see! :-P
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