A couple of nights ago I took some time to write a letter to my mom, about me. I dont know when or if I'll ever send it to her. It talks about my 'struggle' and everything that I have been going through regarding my sexuality, anxiety and depression and what not. Its not nearly "done" I will edit and re-edit and edit some more. Maybe I'll never send it, maybe I will just tell her out loud. This way seems nice though, because it allows me to organize my thoughts....
It was hard to know what to say. I wrote it and just had a flood of thoughts, so many that I couldnt keep them straight, I just was writing in a stream of consciousness style rather than in a very organized one....
Here's an excerpt...a very small one...so you get the idea of how long it is.
The truth is, I believe that people are judged based on the how they lead their lives, if they were good, caring people. I feel that if I can accept this, I won’t have to be so selfish, I won’t have to worry about me anymore. I can give myself to others. The church places this huge emphasis on family, on finding a life partner, someone to love. LOVE in general. Is it my fault that I don’t fit their mold of what that should be? Should I be denied the right to love someone else because I am not attracted to women? Should I be alone forever? Am I not worthy of love from another person for whom there is mutual love? My answer to all those questions is no. In my efforts to run, I convinced myself that I would never love anyone, that I didn’t want to, and that love is dead. There is no such thing as Love, I told myself. The truth is, the church doesn’t know what to do with their policy on homosexuality. They label it as wrong, and that’s that. The changes they have made, such as banning polygamy and accepting blacks into the priesthood were more than anything, political. I think in time they may change their stance on gays.
I don’t know what I am asking of you. Simply that you accept me, and love me, and not to treat me differently because of this. I am taking a huge risk by telling you this. But I know you’ve ‘worried’ about this issue regarding me. Now at least you know. I know this will take time to digest. I would simply ask that when you see me you don’t judge me. That you don’t feel disgusted by me. That maybe one day if I ever have a significant other you would welcome him to the family just as warmly as you welcome everyone else.
Thats the idea. I will write another one for my dad separately. I have very different relationships with both of my parents and so I cannot just write a "one-size-fits-all" letter. I think its better that way. My parents have different approaches to life. My dad for instance doesnt go to church so I dont think the religious part would bother him so much. I think more than anything it would be social stigma.... but he is also pretty open minded so he might get over it faster than my mom... that would be ironic for me, since I am closer with my mom than my dad.
Anyhow. Any thoughts on that little excerpt? Its not much compared to what I wrote... but I feel like if I showed the whole thing to the world I would be betraying its importance. Maybe thats a weird sentiment. Oh well. Thats all you get to see! :-P
4 comments:
It always amazes me when I decide to write about something and I find it in another blog that same day.
Good on ya. I need to write a letter to my mom too. She knows already, and, bless her heart, treats me no differently than before. She does not know the whys, though, and I think she deserves to know.
DCTwistedLife, I think it's great that you're about to share with your parents what's going on with you. The one suggestion I have is that you mention that you know your parents love you. Your letters may unintentionally (and perhaps unavoidably) make one or both of your parents feel guilty for not recognizing the extent to which you've been struggling. They may blame themselves for the suffering you've experienced. They'd feel less bad if you reassured them that you consider them good and loving parents (assuming you do).
Wow, sounds like you have a really good handle on your thoughts and you'll have no problem letting your mom know how you feel. Good luck!
Very good. I think telling your mom and dad will be a blessing to your on this very hard road. Being honest and seeking out thier acceptance will prove valuable.
I suggest telling them in person. I think a face to face interaction will be more rewarding and respectful of the relationship you have with them. But I do the same thing, I write a letter and then when I feel that my thoughts and words are clear and adequate to explain my situation, that is when I feel ready to tell someone something.
A lot of writing can go along way in a conversation as important as this one.
Good luck.
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