Unzipped

It appears my period of relief was relatively short lived. I mean, everything I said in my last post is true, I'm still much less confused, but....still confused and sad and angry in other respects. I know I should probably see a therapist, I believe in therapy, but there are complications....like getting money to pay for it from my parents, and trying to avoid their questions regarding that...

But the major issue today and yesterday was my general feelings of anger. The majority of days I am okay now, I dont know if I use "ok" a little too generously here, but alas, its the word I will choose. Anyway, I usually feel okay, or blah enough that I just dont care, or that the general feeling of negativity that I have is not above its baseline threshold. But yesterday I was angry. I drove around in my car, driving way too fast, listening to a good song that goes:

I dont wanna hear,
I dont wanna know,
Please don't say you're sorry,
I've heard it all before,
And I,
Can't take it anymore.

Thats "Sorry" by Madonna. How appropriate....a Madonna song that describes my feelings. I seem unable to get out of this angry place, or the sad place. I am so stuck... but sometimes I am not. Sometimes I have fleeting moments where I feel that I will be okay, and that I have to make it okay. I have the power, I tell myself. Then there are the low moments where I think about guns, knives, or car accidents that would all lead to my demise.

I wonder if God even cares that I feel this way. Or the millions of other people that are in my shoes. So many of them have it worse than I do. I dont understand how this 'organization' that is supposed to represent the church- and more importantly- GOD- can cause me and so many others so much pain. Its mindboggling pain.... how is that okay with God?

My mom asked me to go to church this morning. "Aren't you gonna get up and go to church?" I didnt reply. I just laid in bed, silent. "I guess not," she said as I heard her heels click down the hallway. I am tired of dissappointing her. I wish I could go and be happy there. I wish I could go and feel like I am not being chased by all these people who want me to do this and that and who want to check up on me and make sure I'm not 'slipping' away. I havent gone to church all year long... I am too tired. I am disappointed in myself. I always tell myself, I'll go next week, next week... and I wake up and I am too sad, or too tired to even bother. It's a lot to handle. Isnt it? Or am I just being a baby?

I wish I could just tell my mom. I wish I could tell her and not feel like I'd be bringing her as low as I am now. But my mom is broken. Just like I am broken. Except she has been broken for years. I dont want to pulverize the pieces she is in to dust. And I dont get it. She is such a good woman. The church promises some happiness if you follow...and she follows. And where is her happiness? Maybe its just a BS Promise. I dont know. If I felt like she could handle it, I would tell her more readily. But maybe she can and I am not giving her enough credit for 20 years of depression.

Maybe I am a recovering mormon. Maybe there's no need for me to try to reconcile mormonism and homosexuality. Maybe I should just move on. I am not really sure what I should do. Sometimes I wonder why I am so worried about probably not being a part of a church that has made me sad my entire life. No joke, I can nary remember one happy memory from church. Maybe there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering. On the whole church from the beginning of my life, till now, has been a very disappointing and saddening experience. Maybe I have made it that way. Perhaps I didnt try hard enough. But look at my mom, she spent her whole life making the pursuit of happiness through the church, and it hasn't brought her much happiness either.

I was talking with a friend about me a week or so ago, and I told her how it felt for me to come to all of these realizations. How I felt, how I feel, as my own world came caving in on me: It's like someone has unzipped me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. All of me and everything has spilled outside onto the ground. Much of me has ended up down the drains, past the point of recovery. I will have to replace those parts. I will have to zip myself up again, make myself whole. I'll replace my kidneys, my bowels, my bellybutton must go in its proper place again. I'll reassemble my ribs and my arms and legs. My legs are still a little intact because I am still running. One day I'll have my heart set right where it should be, right in my chest, a little off center, a little to the left side. And when I'm all zipped up again, I will hopefully carry a smile that is real. I will feel again.