So for the past 4 years since college started, I've been going to church off and on. I always made it my goal just to get there twice a month....you can tell I'm not a fundamentalist in the first place. I felt like its where I should be. I listened, I tried to agree with the things they taught..... fast forward to today.
Someone randomly calls me from my ward / congregation and tells me I just got assigned to be a home teacher (for all you non mormons, this is basically where you go and share a spiritual message with people in your congregation one sunday a month). First of all, dont they usually TELL you this rather than have him just call you up and say, hey, I'm with you now? Maybe they noticed I havent gone in the past month...... Anyways, after a very awkward phone conversation, I told the guy I'd see him on sunday to go to wherever we're supposed to meet.
I feel like this is all becoming too much. I dont want to go home teach to people when I have WAY too many issues with the church doctrines. I dont feel right giving people spiritual messages that I dont fully believe in or am even against..... *Panic*. How do I get out of this? I could just say, "I dont want to." But then they ask questions. And I dont want to explain why, to my bishop. There's no way I'm telling him about these struggles. I know what that entails, and I want no part of it. (Further It's my belief that these issues are between God and me, I shouldnt have to discuss them with a Bishop, who certainly doesnt UNDERSTAND.) I havent hooked up with a guy. So I am still in the clear there. But if I were to tell him, and say, I havent 'done' anything wrong, I just dont believe in this, and I want to be free to come to church and or leave the church at my own will.... what happens? If they try to do some sort of church court thing.... I probably wouldnt show up.... I think its very wrong to make people submit to that kind of humiliation.....I dont feel guilty for being this way. I didnt choose this. I deserve to be able to love people just like my straight counterparts do. Regardless, I havent done anything 'wrong' with a guy.......
See. This is all coming to a head. I feel I need to run away. Very fast. This is how the family finds out. This is the beginning of the end. I refuse to lead a double life. Or I REALLY dont want to. But I also dont feel the need to divulge such personal matters to someone who doesnt really know me, who thinks he can interpret what God really thinks, FOR me, and then supposedly force me to stay on this narrow path that leads to happiness...oh wait, happiness if you are straight and perfect.
Here's the other thing. I dont believe that Gay people go to hell because they have had homosexual experiences. Or that people who have sex out of wedlock necessarily go to hell. If thats the case then most of God's children who he 'loves unconditionally' will be roasting in the firey pits. I dont see how that is unconditional love. (Personally I agree more with protestant beliefs.....but thats another debate). I dont think anyone here on earth is fit to judge other people. I dont think its wrong to drink in moderation (My Dad, brother and half of my family (non-mormon) all drink in moderation). I dont think we have to get married to another mormon, or even BE mormon to get close to God. I think Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews and Catholics all worship the same God. One calls it Buddha, another calls it Allah. Why focus on the differences? I dont think this, or any church or religion is perfect.
The PROBLEM is, I believe those things for everyone else but me. I put myself under this microscope, this magnifying glass. I judge everything I do. Even when I dont even fully believe in it. Its illogical and it hurts me so bad. I am more tired than I've ever been. I have never once felt sublimely happy at church. Never even 'happy' really. I never felt accepted, part of the group. I never believed in one true religion, ever, since I was 8, even. I've had two 'spiritual' experiences in my life that I remember. I 'bore my testimony' both times. But I remember just having things roll off my tongue because I felt it would make others happy to hear it (my mom for instance). I dont know why I decided to go speak. I just did. But I said things that I didnt even agree with. BOTH times. I told people how I felt loved and embraced by God. I remember saying it, and not even agreeing with it while I said it. WHAT DO I MAKE OF THAT?
I am not here to bash Mormonism in particular, because there are many religions that are similar in their treatment of gays. There are some aspects of Mormonism that I agree with. But a large proportion that I simply dont....thats my situation.
I believe life is about who you are, who you love, how you treat people, and if you are kind and giving to others. I think its about cherishing the moments you have with loved ones, about loving thy neighbor, being courteous and helpful. Its about LOVE.
I want to run away. I feel like I might tell my sister. I know she loves me, I dont think she would alienate me or rat me out. I think she would try to help me. I feel like I'm running out of outlets. I dont want to ruin everyone elses life. I dont want to ruin my own life. My heart is beating fast, im anxious. I need out.
PLEASE, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me, ANYTHING, I am listening. I am desperate. I am begging.
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3 comments:
Hey! You sound pretty down. I hope everything is ok. You do need to tell someone close to you about being gay. Despite what you think, they will be very understanding. Sure, they'll probably say you need help and whatever, but you'll feel better for telling SOMEONE.
To get out of the home teaching thing, just tell them you don't feel comfortable doing that because you haven't been to church much your self. The bishop probably will call you, but you are not obligated to tell him anything.
I think you still think you are "doing something wrong" by being gay. Really, it's not the end of the world.
Seek out others like you. I'm sure there are plenty of gay ex (or not) mormon guys who live in DC who could give you their experiences and support. Don't feel like you're alone and the only one who has ever gone through this.
Also, what part of church doctrine don't you agree with? I stopped believing at age 12 in the Joseph Smith stuff (as well as other things) but I never stopped believing in God. Try going to a different church that you know is more accepting of your lifestyle. I now go the United Church of Christ and I have never felt more at home or more loved. God doesn't hate anyone (something some mormons forget).
You're not going to ruin your life by telling people you're gay. This is who you are!!! I know you feel like everything will be ruined, but you'll be surprised how understanding people will be and how much better you'll be. Plenty of my friends felt more free and happy AFTER they told their parents they were gay. It was like this weight they'd been carrying around for 20 years was just gone.
I've always believed that life is better when we are our true selves.
Let me know if you need anything! I'm always here.
Dude, just call the person who called you and tell them in no uncertain terms that you are not up to it and it is not a good time.
That's it, no reasons, no explanations. We allow the church to rule into our lives way too much. It is OK to say no and leave it at that. If they don't understand, it is their problem. Just be real firm and explain that it will not happen. No one can have you do anything you don't want to do, contrary to what they teach there....let us know how it goes
Hey, I'm in a similar shoes as you. that is mormon and gay. I don't really have any answers for you. I am a young adult. I feel temptations a great deal. But I know honestly that the gospel is true. I also have a testimony that the Church is true. I live in a city a few hours north of you. Anyway what I'm saying is, if you want someone to email or chat via phone, let me know and I'll post a dummy email here.
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