I've been coming out to many people. Well, sort of. A large group of friends now knows, but these are not my closest friends, they are good friends though. Also, a few people that I talk to online, and of course, my sister. Its a grand total of.... about 12 people.
To me, it seems like tons. I guess really its not. But lately I feel like this whole this is snowballing into something I can't control. And usually I am in control of things in my life. I always have this need to know that everything will be fine. But this is the one thing I cant control, the one thing that seems to control me.
A guy I talk to online, a therapist by education-- encourages me to take control and make my own decisions in my life. He tells me to not let fear of repercussions of telling people that I'm gay control me. I should take control, take responsibility for my life. But I tell him it isnt that simple. I have a mom who is obsessed with being Mormon, and a father who, like most fathers, wont exactly be thrilled to hear this news about his son. HOW CAN I NOT BE AFRAID?! I ask. He says, "youre just diverting responsibility away from yourself, and letting the external be a control factor. You dont KNOW how they will react. But, whats most important is that really, you dont want to make a decision."
He's probably right. Why do I half want to push myself into this? Why do I want to "come out" to everyone? On the other hand, half of me wants to run away and never appear again. What happens after you tell the parents? The siblings? I can't deal with the unknown. I hate hate hate feeling like I'm crawling in the dark. They may all react well. Maybe not. Maybe it will ruin everything. Maybe I'm making this all up. Maybe I'm not gay, maybe I didnt try hard enough to be straight.... no no... you shouldnt have to TRY to be anything. You just are. Right? I'll never know, because I am too afraid to go after anyone, guy or girl. Though, when I think about it, even girls that I have "liked", I never felt that thing...lol...that you feel when you are attracted to someone. I usually just want to hug them and go shopping with them. LOL....
As Cher Horowitz (from Clueless) says, "I felt helpless and impotent. And I REALLY hate that." lol...at least I can laugh about that. Sadly, its exactly how I feel.
Thoughts?
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When I told my parents I was gay I thought my dad would never speak to me again. But after I told my parents they were ok with it. Yes they were shocked and said mean things at first, but they didn't know how to handle it. But with time they have grown to be completely excecting. My dad and I are closer now that I have told them. I think my mom thinks it is the hip thing to have a gay son. I am now able to allow them into a whole side of my life that they never would have seen. My parents even met my ex boy friend and loved him and could see how much I loved him. I as so afraid to tell my parents, but I said that by certain date I had to tell them. I waited until that date and I told them. I was so scared but if I hadn't pushed myself I never would have done it. But having done it I am so glad I did. It will be odd at first but they will grown and adjust and things will be fine, and probably better than before. Good luck.
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