Oh, this is a biggie. I spilled the secret- to my SISTER.

So. After feeling as if I was really going to die. I was at a crossroads, a turning point, if you will. I have felt...dead...for the past 6 months. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel awake. So. It happened.

I told someone in my family about...ME... Yes. It happened. Two short days ago. Friday, December 9th, 2005. I guess its one of the many days that will live in infamy.

But here's the good thing: it went absolutely amazing.

You might ask, well, who did you tell?

I will reply, my oldest sister, silly! (she's not really Mormon anymore for her own reasons...more on that in another blog posting)

I was sitting here, in the kitchen, talking relationships and life with her. And then she asked me how things are going, asked me why I seemed down all the time. I didnt respond. My face merely drained of color. My heart raced. Should I tell her? Yes. It was almost too easy to tell her. Painful, scary, but I knew its what I wanted to do. What I needed to do.

So, resume imagining me (a medium skin tone) draining entirely of color....Silence. Looking like I am about to cry and burst and as if I am in pain. "WHATS WRONG!? Are you okay?"

"You know what it could be, dont you? I know you know."

*She nods her head*

*whispering* "I think I'm gay." (I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT).

"It doesn't matter! It's fine! It doesn't matter! You are my brother and thats all that matters, I love you forever and ever, no matter what." Those words wont ever leave my mind. We hugged, and I almost collapsed, my knees got weak. "Yes it does matter, it does matter." "No it doesnt."

She cried and cried, telling me how she felt horrible that I've been struggling through this alone, with no one in the family knowing... or being able to be there to help me. She said "I know people kill themselves over this, and if you ever ever do that I'll kill you and then I'll kill me, you are like my favorite. So no matter what you have to promise me you wont hurt yourself." We hugged again and I pulled her to the sofas in the family room. There is so much to tell you, I said.

We talked. It was great to have that outlet. An open ear, someone in the family, who I know I can trust. Someone who will help me approach my Mom and Dad in the future...someone who will help guide me and help me figure out what to do next.

She said she'd support me no matter what anyone else says. I can come live with her at her place if need be.

She also said that most people in the family essentially know.... I act...like a gay guy. I am def. not flaming, but you can tell that something isnt 'right.' I love to do my sisters' hair and primp with them in the bathroom before we go out, I hate working outside, I sometimes squeal when I get excited, all my friends are girls, I love chick flicks, I dress damn well, and I am not a jerk to people. But, I've never attempted to cover my sort of effeminate behavior with a girlfriend, or mentioning of how I 'want' a girlfriend. I've even hinted at the OPPOSITE-- that I'm not getting married and that I DONT want a GF.

Everyone suspects something, she says. No one will be surprised, and everyone will get over it eventually-- even my mom and dad-- so she says. These are words of comfort. Words I needed to hear. This possibility has been discussed before amongst much of the family, which sort of relieves me. (Its not like I have had a GF and was the star athlete, and drive a Jeep Wrangler with monster truck wheels.)

I dont know though what will happen when I actually do tell them. I am not expecting a cake.

But no one ever had the balls to ask me. If my mom came to me right now and asked, I'd cry. I wouldnt be able to say yes through all the tears, snot and wheezing. But she would know the answer was yes. I guess it makes sense for them not to ask. They are just as afraid of me saying 'yes' as I am afraid to tell them in the first place. Ignorance is bliss.

But for now, I will ignore the troubling religious aspects. Those things take time, and I know they take time to deal with. For now, I am so happy that she knows. She knows all of me. There are no more secrets. I have put my heart in her hands, just where I want it, just where it should be. If there is someone up there who blessed me with her in my life: Thank You.