Where have I been this past month and a half!?
Well, I've been doing a lot better lately. I've made a fair amount of progress in this whole thing. I'm not sure what I attribute it to... but it has just sort of happened.
I am not sure what I do and dont believe. But I am over feeling like Mormons are the only true church... In fact I always felt that whole sentiment was somewhat nonsensical. (ever since I was small...) But now if I apply that to my life, I can feel more comfortable with going forward, and not being afraid of being and living as a gay man.
I am less afraid. I am more confident. I don't really think its some horrible thing anymore. It is what it is. Why should I live my life in constant fear of going to hell? Why should I buy into the argument that this is some temporary thing, and that in the afterlife i'll be 'perfected' and become straight? That doesnt make sense to me, at all. Moreover, I simply dont agree with that idea. Gay is gay. Straight is straight. Heaven is heaven. If there is one thing I strongly believe in, its diversity. People, life, the afterlife, should NOT be all the same. We should be different. And I find beauty in our differences. I believe and hope that God finds beauty in our differences and creates diversity so we can find beauty, happiness and life in it. That includes gay people. I'd die another death (after I die the first time...haha) of boredom if "heaven" is the way its described in Mormon doctrines. I want the peace and happiness that they describe. But who says they have a copyright to that?
My views on life, on afterlife are much more open, much more fluid and less set in the words of books and prophets of old. These, to me, are mostly good examples of what people should strive to be. But I dont think that only one set of people have it 100% right. But look at Gandhi, look at, Mother Teresa, look at Princess Diana... Gandhi for one did not practice western religion. Do I believe that he will choose mormonism in the afterlife, or that he should have to? No, I do not believe that. I see truth and beauty in all people, as they were, as they are, and as they will always be.
Maybe I am trying too hard to be optimistic. Perhaps the church is right. But I dont think they are, and I hope they're not. And by gosh, I am gonna try to make my life work and make me happy, no matter what anyone says. There is no guarantee, no matter what experiences we believe we have, that we wont die and that will be it. We have to try our hardest to make the most of our lives, be good people, and leave behind us a good history of how we treat each other. That's what I know, and that's what I believe matters.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Relax
Okay, so I was freaking out just a TAD in the last post. I was literally having a meltdown. Its been a few hours since then...and I am feeling better. Sane, at least. I use this blog as a catharsis sometimes. I was very very angry, and I just had to get it out of my head somehow. As you can see...it didnt make much sense...and it was just a stream of consciousness style. Anyway. Hopefully I will not have to write one of those for a very long time.
Enough is Enough...
I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......
I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.
I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.
Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.
Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.
I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.
I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.
I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.
I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.
Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.
Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.
I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.
I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Tired.
I dont remember the last time I felt awake and really good during the day. I always feel tired. Last night I had a great night out...and I wasnt tired when I was dancing my butt off during the night. Maybe i'm just unfit. I am very thin...but that doesnt mean I am in good shape. Maybe I'm just sad all the time and I just dont feel it anymore like I used to. Maybe its a mix of the two.
I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.
I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.
I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.
I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
A Poem
I cried for my life,
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.
How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.
I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.
I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.
I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.
I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.
And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.
And I laughed because it is funny.
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.
How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.
I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.
I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.
I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.
I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.
And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.
And I laughed because it is funny.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
The 99 Names of God
In Islam, they have a tradition of learning and knowing the 99 names of God that are in the Quran. I think it is a beautiful tradition, and I think the names and the meanings of the names are beautiful as well.
The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:
Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless
Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.
The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:
Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless
Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Now what?
I was away for three weeks...on vacation. I visited three countries, two in Europe and one in the Middle East. I went with my family, and we really had a great time.... I could tell more, but unfortunately I cant give a lot more info than that.......well, here's a couple of pictures that I took of some of the places I went:
Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)
Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.
Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.
As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature
As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.
So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.
Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)
Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.
Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.
As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature
As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.
So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Other Side of The World
Here are the lyrics to a song that I really like, by KT Tunstall.... nice words.
"Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water
All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water
The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me
On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along
The fire fades away
Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore
The fire fades away"
"Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water
All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water
The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me
On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along
The fire fades away
Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore
The fire fades away"
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Marriage of Convenience
I found this article about Gay / Lesbian Muslims who decide to get married simply because of familial and societal pressure to conform. Actually, they specifically look for spouses of the opposite sex that are also gay / lesbian. This way no one would be left out in the cold in terms of sexual satisfaction- since neither would want to sleep with the other.... the point would be to remain friends.
I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.
I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...
Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.
At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........
I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.
I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...
Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.
At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Travels
I said I'd be back with details on my trip to the west coast. It was so much fun! I toured the city that I went to, and saw all of the many beautiful sites that are there to see. I did a lot of biking, walking and a little shopping. Small amounts of shopping is very UNlike me ;) I was able to secure free hotel because I stayed there while my sister's company paid for the room b/c she was there on business. Killed two birds with one stone! (however, the hotel was nothing special, and the location was in a less than savory neighborhood).
I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.
We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.
All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.
I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.
We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.
All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Summer Travels... etc.
Its been a while since I've posted. Two weeks to be exact. In the meantime, I've gone to the west coast and back. Had a great time! More on that later...
I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)
So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?
The options are endless and its killing me!
I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)
So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?
The options are endless and its killing me!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
This is not my life...
I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.
And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.
I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.
You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.
Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.
And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.
But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!
Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:
"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"
In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.
My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....
To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.
And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.
I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.
You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.
Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.
And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.
But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!
Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:
"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"
In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.
My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....
To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Psycho....
Remember my posts a while back about a friend of mine who I was having serious friendship issues with and who I was debating on telling her if I was gay because I thought it would hurt her too much?
Well. She knows. She sent me an e-mail after we graduated saying that she thinks its true that I have feelings for men. After spending a night in convulsions (shaking violently) from shock- after I read her e-mail, I knew I had to simply tell her. I tried to keep it short, to the point and on topic. My letter was 2 pages long.
She replied with a six page single spaced letter which I feel was more or less a guilt trip about how it was a mistake for me not to tell her about my sexuality. I never let her in, she couldnt be around or else I wouldnt be myself. OBVIOUSLY I CANT BE MYSELF WHEN SHE TELLS ME SHE 'LOVES' ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. AND IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE A FRIEND-LOVE. It ALWAYS felt like more than that. And it freaked me out. Who would feel comfortable around that all the time if they didnt have the same feelings? I hated hanging around her because I felt like her boyfriend, and inside it felt so wrong and twisted and messed up. She beamed when I was around and I did my best to smile and act happy.
I've been stewing over this letter. She wants back in my life, but honestly letting her back in -given a LONG LONG and dramatic history- is not really what I want to do. I could be friends with big limits. I dont know how I can open up to her again after I tried for over a year to make her open up to me- and she didnt. After that, I built up my own wall. Why should it come down? Because we were best friends 2 1/2 years ago? I feel like thats over and past, and she will not change, even though she said she didnt care I am gay etc. I feel like I need to run.... I just cant handle the drama, the need for attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to break her heart again. But sometimes I feel like I just want out. I wish I were more selfish and that I didnt care as much as I do... that way I would have gotten out long ago. How do you know when to draw the line and say enough is enough?
Well. She knows. She sent me an e-mail after we graduated saying that she thinks its true that I have feelings for men. After spending a night in convulsions (shaking violently) from shock- after I read her e-mail, I knew I had to simply tell her. I tried to keep it short, to the point and on topic. My letter was 2 pages long.
She replied with a six page single spaced letter which I feel was more or less a guilt trip about how it was a mistake for me not to tell her about my sexuality. I never let her in, she couldnt be around or else I wouldnt be myself. OBVIOUSLY I CANT BE MYSELF WHEN SHE TELLS ME SHE 'LOVES' ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. AND IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE A FRIEND-LOVE. It ALWAYS felt like more than that. And it freaked me out. Who would feel comfortable around that all the time if they didnt have the same feelings? I hated hanging around her because I felt like her boyfriend, and inside it felt so wrong and twisted and messed up. She beamed when I was around and I did my best to smile and act happy.
I've been stewing over this letter. She wants back in my life, but honestly letting her back in -given a LONG LONG and dramatic history- is not really what I want to do. I could be friends with big limits. I dont know how I can open up to her again after I tried for over a year to make her open up to me- and she didnt. After that, I built up my own wall. Why should it come down? Because we were best friends 2 1/2 years ago? I feel like thats over and past, and she will not change, even though she said she didnt care I am gay etc. I feel like I need to run.... I just cant handle the drama, the need for attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to break her heart again. But sometimes I feel like I just want out. I wish I were more selfish and that I didnt care as much as I do... that way I would have gotten out long ago. How do you know when to draw the line and say enough is enough?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Graduation
Today I graduated from college. The ceremony itself was nice, somewhat memorable which was good. I sat next to two good friends- S.M. & J.C. who I took many classes with over my years in college. Having my name called was such a blur. I remember a flash of light from the photographer, handing my name-card to the lady announcing the names, shaking a couple of peoples' hands, and receiving a nice pen. My family being as impatient as they are left the building right after they called my name. Maybe thats because all my other older siblings have done this before. Nothing too new.... haha.
4 years....gone by in a relative blink. Sometimes I think that its been a long time- sometimes it feels long. But it does feel like yesterday that I was just a puny freshman moving into my dorm. I've made amazing friends-plenty of them- and they are all great amazing people. I've had so much fun with them over the past few years. I am sort of lost without the idea that I will return back to my school in the fall. You sort of come into routines and start thinking you will go back every year. Unfortunately thats not the case for me. Time for some changes, new school apps, new decisions.
I've learned a lot in college. About psychology, journalism, art, and most of all, I've learned a lot about myself and of life. Yet the learning never ends. My grandma told me that this is just the beginning- there is so much more to learn. And I know she is right. I've been very blessed to have been able to learn all the things I've learned.
I've dealt with some big issues in life, and I continue (obviously) to deal with such issues...friends, family, school, jobs, sexuality. The illusion that I have of others is that since most others dont struggle with sexuality, they dont struggle at all. Or at least all of the struggles they do face are somewhat normal in relation to religion and society. But I know that's an illusion that I have- my way of telling myself that my problems are harder and worse than everyone elses. Perhaps thats a bad way to go about life; but sometimes it just tends to go that way.
Today during a dinner party celebration for my graduation, I took a small break from the crown and came here to my room to just breathe. I wound up crying a bit, thinking about the uncertainty, the confusion, and the sadness yet happiness of this milestone in my life. It should be a happy day, but its hard to be happy with so much swirling around in my head. I got several very nice gifts. From my relatives and I am very thankful for them. My mom wrote a little song & all of them performed it to Abba's 'waterloo' and danced around in our family room. That was great.
College, I am pretty speechless. It was a blur. Very blurry. But I know the good outweighed the bad by far. And thats what matters. I'll rememeber all of the late nights, the dancing, the laughing, the crying. The ungodly amounts of reading and studying. The papers, the roommates, the messes, the drama and the city. I'll cherish it all, because it was great. I'd make a few changes if I could do things over again, but nothing drastic just a thing here and there. So here I am, 4 years later, a graduate. You spend four years trying to pursue knowledge and truth. I am afraid to admit that I have not found 100 percent of either. No one has though. ;) Also note my imperfect use of commas.... I am too tired to care to use them :)
Wee! I Graduated :)
4 years....gone by in a relative blink. Sometimes I think that its been a long time- sometimes it feels long. But it does feel like yesterday that I was just a puny freshman moving into my dorm. I've made amazing friends-plenty of them- and they are all great amazing people. I've had so much fun with them over the past few years. I am sort of lost without the idea that I will return back to my school in the fall. You sort of come into routines and start thinking you will go back every year. Unfortunately thats not the case for me. Time for some changes, new school apps, new decisions.
I've learned a lot in college. About psychology, journalism, art, and most of all, I've learned a lot about myself and of life. Yet the learning never ends. My grandma told me that this is just the beginning- there is so much more to learn. And I know she is right. I've been very blessed to have been able to learn all the things I've learned.
I've dealt with some big issues in life, and I continue (obviously) to deal with such issues...friends, family, school, jobs, sexuality. The illusion that I have of others is that since most others dont struggle with sexuality, they dont struggle at all. Or at least all of the struggles they do face are somewhat normal in relation to religion and society. But I know that's an illusion that I have- my way of telling myself that my problems are harder and worse than everyone elses. Perhaps thats a bad way to go about life; but sometimes it just tends to go that way.
Today during a dinner party celebration for my graduation, I took a small break from the crown and came here to my room to just breathe. I wound up crying a bit, thinking about the uncertainty, the confusion, and the sadness yet happiness of this milestone in my life. It should be a happy day, but its hard to be happy with so much swirling around in my head. I got several very nice gifts. From my relatives and I am very thankful for them. My mom wrote a little song & all of them performed it to Abba's 'waterloo' and danced around in our family room. That was great.
College, I am pretty speechless. It was a blur. Very blurry. But I know the good outweighed the bad by far. And thats what matters. I'll rememeber all of the late nights, the dancing, the laughing, the crying. The ungodly amounts of reading and studying. The papers, the roommates, the messes, the drama and the city. I'll cherish it all, because it was great. I'd make a few changes if I could do things over again, but nothing drastic just a thing here and there. So here I am, 4 years later, a graduate. You spend four years trying to pursue knowledge and truth. I am afraid to admit that I have not found 100 percent of either. No one has though. ;) Also note my imperfect use of commas.... I am too tired to care to use them :)
Wee! I Graduated :)
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Epiphany...sort of.
Its been a little while since I last posted. I guess nothing eventful has really happened in the past week. I feel the usual mix of angst. However, as it was the last full weekend I had in college, me and my friends made the best of it and we've gone out two nights in a row. I stayed out late, and danced the night away at two clubs.
And it hit me, while I was dancing like a maniac with my best friends right in front of me, sweat dripping down my face, with some fantastic house music pulsating through the air... that I need to savor these small moments in life. They are small, they last just a few short minutes. But in these moments a small miracle happens. My worries go away, my fears dont exist. All that exists is me and my friends, my sweat and the music. I smile a real smile and its perfect, everything is fine, nothing else matters. I am okay- something I dont feel enough. I used to be unable to detach myself from the negative feelings that I always feel. But now I was able to forget them. I was able to live in the moment, even if it was for 3 minutes. And it felt great.
Obviously I am not the type to just forget about the future- I dont know if I'll ever be able to feel secure about my future- at least in the relatively near future. Right now I am worrying about many, many things- as usual. But I wont go into that. I'll leave on a more positive note, which is simply that for once- I felt great.
And it hit me, while I was dancing like a maniac with my best friends right in front of me, sweat dripping down my face, with some fantastic house music pulsating through the air... that I need to savor these small moments in life. They are small, they last just a few short minutes. But in these moments a small miracle happens. My worries go away, my fears dont exist. All that exists is me and my friends, my sweat and the music. I smile a real smile and its perfect, everything is fine, nothing else matters. I am okay- something I dont feel enough. I used to be unable to detach myself from the negative feelings that I always feel. But now I was able to forget them. I was able to live in the moment, even if it was for 3 minutes. And it felt great.
Obviously I am not the type to just forget about the future- I dont know if I'll ever be able to feel secure about my future- at least in the relatively near future. Right now I am worrying about many, many things- as usual. But I wont go into that. I'll leave on a more positive note, which is simply that for once- I felt great.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Gay Party
Well.... my friend came back from italy, and his BF had a big party for him (although he told me he barely knew most of the people who were there...maybe more of an excuse to drink on Cinco De Mayo...lol). So I was invited to this party- fulllll of gay guys. there were tons, a few dozen in a small apartment; which made things nice and ...cozy. haha.
On the way there I was sooo nervous, not only to see my friend, but to be in an evironment where its more or less assumed that any guy there is gay. I had interesting fears/expectations; like that I would have my ass grabbed by drunk gay men, or that I'd get hit on and that I wouldnt know how to react or talk to anyone. Its stereotypical things like that, which I shouldnt have worried about, but I guess you cant help it when youre very new to the 'scene'. None of those things happened, as I found myself staying away from the main crowd, and its hard to socialize with tons of people who you've never met- all while not drinking. lol. Lots of cute guys though. I shouldnt have been so nervous, because under any other circumstance or situation I am very social, pretty outgoing and friendly. But this time I just retracted a bit. I guess nerves will do that to you.
Overall it was great to see my friend, I found that I really missed him a lot while he was away, and it will be great to hang out with him over the summer. I didnt 'meet' anyone- I think I was sending out 'dont touch' signals... I guess it takes time just to get comfortable in your own skin and not worry if someone might be attracted to you or vice versa what you will do. I felt comfortable but uncomfortable. Hard to explain, I guess??
A lot of guys talk about how they felt so comfortable the first times they hung out with gay guys etc. I cant say I share the same feelings- I felt nervous and I was so spastic. lol... shaking like a leaf sometimes.... oh well. You live and learn. No regrets today.
On the way there I was sooo nervous, not only to see my friend, but to be in an evironment where its more or less assumed that any guy there is gay. I had interesting fears/expectations; like that I would have my ass grabbed by drunk gay men, or that I'd get hit on and that I wouldnt know how to react or talk to anyone. Its stereotypical things like that, which I shouldnt have worried about, but I guess you cant help it when youre very new to the 'scene'. None of those things happened, as I found myself staying away from the main crowd, and its hard to socialize with tons of people who you've never met- all while not drinking. lol. Lots of cute guys though. I shouldnt have been so nervous, because under any other circumstance or situation I am very social, pretty outgoing and friendly. But this time I just retracted a bit. I guess nerves will do that to you.
Overall it was great to see my friend, I found that I really missed him a lot while he was away, and it will be great to hang out with him over the summer. I didnt 'meet' anyone- I think I was sending out 'dont touch' signals... I guess it takes time just to get comfortable in your own skin and not worry if someone might be attracted to you or vice versa what you will do. I felt comfortable but uncomfortable. Hard to explain, I guess??
A lot of guys talk about how they felt so comfortable the first times they hung out with gay guys etc. I cant say I share the same feelings- I felt nervous and I was so spastic. lol... shaking like a leaf sometimes.... oh well. You live and learn. No regrets today.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Yin and Yang
Today I finished my last exam, my last day of college. I am supposed to be happy, right? Relieved? lol. I feel anything but those things. Let me be very straightforward, very sarcastic: consider most of the following post a catharsis.
So yay..... I've finished four years of education...and what do I have to show for it? A degree in a major that I love but that will never get me a job. I have a lot of good friends, who I will miss. I have had majorly fun experiences. Laughing all night, clubbing, Saki, 1223, Home, Dream. I've had bad experiences- tears, worry and strain. I kinda figured out/ learned/ admitted that I'm gay. I've learned a good amount, but maybe its never enough. We never stop learning.
I've made my parents spend over $100,000 on an education. I drive a car worth over $40,000 dollars. I wear nice clothes, I can eat anything I want. (I am spoiled- but not snobby...) I'm relatively healthy. I have all of my limbs where they are supposed to be. My brain works (except in the neurotransmitter department).
I have everything and more, and its not enough. Am I really missing "love"? Or is that just some B.S. that I am telling myself that I need. I used to tell myself that I needed only me. I put up my walls and they worked fine. They worked perfectly. They kept the people out who needed to be kept out. The rest- friends, came in and there were no problems. I've opened myself to what? Stupid stupid things. Is it worth it to open myself like this? What the hell for? I dont need anyone but me.
Am I just trapped without any good option, so should I just cut my losses and take the lesser of the evils. And if so, which one is that? Why does it even matter that I'm gay. Who cares. Why should I care? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? I've gone this long. lets say 1/4th of my life, assuming i am lucky to live to 80.... whats the other 75% alone. lol. soon enough i'll be at 50% and then 75%....then my time will be up. I feel I want a distraction. Law school.... why not? At this point I am too tired to care. Who cares.
Who cares. Congrats. I'm graduating. Who cares.
So yay..... I've finished four years of education...and what do I have to show for it? A degree in a major that I love but that will never get me a job. I have a lot of good friends, who I will miss. I have had majorly fun experiences. Laughing all night, clubbing, Saki, 1223, Home, Dream. I've had bad experiences- tears, worry and strain. I kinda figured out/ learned/ admitted that I'm gay. I've learned a good amount, but maybe its never enough. We never stop learning.
I've made my parents spend over $100,000 on an education. I drive a car worth over $40,000 dollars. I wear nice clothes, I can eat anything I want. (I am spoiled- but not snobby...) I'm relatively healthy. I have all of my limbs where they are supposed to be. My brain works (except in the neurotransmitter department).
I have everything and more, and its not enough. Am I really missing "love"? Or is that just some B.S. that I am telling myself that I need. I used to tell myself that I needed only me. I put up my walls and they worked fine. They worked perfectly. They kept the people out who needed to be kept out. The rest- friends, came in and there were no problems. I've opened myself to what? Stupid stupid things. Is it worth it to open myself like this? What the hell for? I dont need anyone but me.
Am I just trapped without any good option, so should I just cut my losses and take the lesser of the evils. And if so, which one is that? Why does it even matter that I'm gay. Who cares. Why should I care? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? I've gone this long. lets say 1/4th of my life, assuming i am lucky to live to 80.... whats the other 75% alone. lol. soon enough i'll be at 50% and then 75%....then my time will be up. I feel I want a distraction. Law school.... why not? At this point I am too tired to care. Who cares.
Who cares. Congrats. I'm graduating. Who cares.
Friday, April 28, 2006
The Future.
I have been SO busy with school work over the past weeks...this trend will continue for the next week. And then a couple of weeks after that, I will graduate from college...
...and then. My life will be at a place where I just dont know. And I am afraid, and I am worried, and I don't want to make the wrong decision... i have about 10 career paths in mind and in my head and I cant seem to make up my mind. For once in my life I dont have a plan. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been too tired, too anxious and afraid to make a decision. I would be good at almost anything I set my mind to... so why am I so afraid? I may or may not come out to my parents in the relatively near future. I may or may not apply to law school. I may or may not find a guy to date this summer. I may or may not apply to graduate school in psychology. I may or may not get a job this year.
What do I do
When I dont know
What I want to do?
I've forgotten
What I want
And I dont remember
What or who
I am anymore.
...and then. My life will be at a place where I just dont know. And I am afraid, and I am worried, and I don't want to make the wrong decision... i have about 10 career paths in mind and in my head and I cant seem to make up my mind. For once in my life I dont have a plan. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been too tired, too anxious and afraid to make a decision. I would be good at almost anything I set my mind to... so why am I so afraid? I may or may not come out to my parents in the relatively near future. I may or may not apply to law school. I may or may not find a guy to date this summer. I may or may not apply to graduate school in psychology. I may or may not get a job this year.
What do I do
When I dont know
What I want to do?
I've forgotten
What I want
And I dont remember
What or who
I am anymore.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Still Here...
I shouldnt be writing this, as I have entirely too much to do. But I've been wondering as usual what the future holds for me.... I went to church on easter, breaking a 3 1/2 month 'sabatticle' from church. Maybe I have become, bitter, indignant, jaded. But going there didn't make me feel very wonderful- in fact all I wanted to do was leave. I wish I could go to church where I don't feel hated or where I dont feel like I want to change the whole belief system... I was even more upset on the inside because I made my mom so happy by going. I picked up one of my grandmothers (who isnt mormon) and she came along too. My mom was glowing about this all day. Sadly I just sat there and tried to smile for her, but not too much. I guess she doesn't know that walking into church is like being thrown into a bath of ice water. I just want to get out, I can't breathe, I cant listen, I cant talk, I feel uncomfortable. Whats more upsetting is how I feel when I get up to leave and so many people (church ladies- usually mothers of some of my peers) come up to me and ask me how I am, what I am up to these days. Many of them do genuinely care, and they probably like me because I am not like the other guys who are just...guys. I can talk with them, understand them, I am so 'sweet and sensitive' they tell my mom. Don't they get it??? I'm gay! lol. I feel sad because I wonder how they might change if they learned that very piece of information about me. I dont mind seeing them, because as people I like them much more than the men at church. I try to avoid the men, because it is with them that I associate almost everything negative. I have yet to meet one that I fully trust... So... thats my story with church. I still don't know what to do....even if I stopped going permanently, I feel the whispers of the doctrines of me being 'damned' in the back of my mind. Maybe I can change my scenery and find something more uplifting....
In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?
So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.
In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?
So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
"I choose vodka. And, Chaka Khan."
Okay, so I havent chosen vodka, yet. Although given my situation, it sometimes seems like a nice resort. However, I will not shy away from Chaka Khan. For all of you guys who recognize that line- congrats. You've seen Bridget Jones' Diary, a hilarious movie about a woman who searches for love in all the wrong places, and who goes through some extraordinarily awkward situations. If you havent seen it, I give it my stamp of approval.
Now, what does this have to do with Gay-Mormon blogging? Simply that, while at a personal low, Bridget chose not to give up. No, she chose vodka. And Chaka Khan. Although I choose not to drown my sorrows away with vodka, I have no problem running away from them (as most of you know.) This time I will/have been using fabulous music to help me escape. My escape will surely be short lived, but an escape it will be.
Now since I see we are all stressed gay-mormons, I think all of us could use a little escape. You are free to add a little vodka to the mix, if thats you're fortee. I have nothing against it in fact. lol.
But, for a select few of you Gay Mormons- I will now make a few recommendations on some (rather gay) tunes... to hopefully get some laughs from you all. Laughs arent common enough these days.
Gay Mormon: You need some CHER, "Its in his kiss." I realize you do have someone to kiss.... so kiss him!
Elbow: I think you could use some Britney Spears "Boys"....cant live with them, cant live without them, says Mrs. Spears. The song isnt my favorite of hers...but the words should make you laugh (I like "oops! I did it again" though- a close second for you).
Foxx: How about "Vogue" by Madonna? I think Utah / AZ needs to be shaken up a little bit :)
Doktor2be: The choice here is obvious: Shakira... now what songs... "Hips done lie" is a new good one. If you're looking for more traditional - SPANISH- Shakira, then I'd go with "Escondite Ingles" or "Las de la intuicion" (yeah, I know what its about....but that doesnt make it a bad song!)
Protean: You have been hard at work in school. How about something crazy and fun. "S.O.S." by Rihanna. (I wont lie, its a personal favorite at the moment.)
El Veneno: How about some Gwen Stefani. I dont know of any person who hates her. How could you hate her? She is simply too cool. Provo needs a makeover with "Whatchu' waiting for?"
I hope you all enjoy the songs... or if you hate what I've recommended for you... take 5 minutes out for yourself and relax. Everything will be okay. P.S. I am not as flaming gay as I sound in these posts... lol... I promise. It is fun to be a little flamboyant though sometimes :)
Now, what does this have to do with Gay-Mormon blogging? Simply that, while at a personal low, Bridget chose not to give up. No, she chose vodka. And Chaka Khan. Although I choose not to drown my sorrows away with vodka, I have no problem running away from them (as most of you know.) This time I will/have been using fabulous music to help me escape. My escape will surely be short lived, but an escape it will be.
Now since I see we are all stressed gay-mormons, I think all of us could use a little escape. You are free to add a little vodka to the mix, if thats you're fortee. I have nothing against it in fact. lol.
But, for a select few of you Gay Mormons- I will now make a few recommendations on some (rather gay) tunes... to hopefully get some laughs from you all. Laughs arent common enough these days.
Gay Mormon: You need some CHER, "Its in his kiss." I realize you do have someone to kiss.... so kiss him!
Elbow: I think you could use some Britney Spears "Boys"....cant live with them, cant live without them, says Mrs. Spears. The song isnt my favorite of hers...but the words should make you laugh (I like "oops! I did it again" though- a close second for you).
Foxx: How about "Vogue" by Madonna? I think Utah / AZ needs to be shaken up a little bit :)
Doktor2be: The choice here is obvious: Shakira... now what songs... "Hips done lie" is a new good one. If you're looking for more traditional - SPANISH- Shakira, then I'd go with "Escondite Ingles" or "Las de la intuicion" (yeah, I know what its about....but that doesnt make it a bad song!)
Protean: You have been hard at work in school. How about something crazy and fun. "S.O.S." by Rihanna. (I wont lie, its a personal favorite at the moment.)
El Veneno: How about some Gwen Stefani. I dont know of any person who hates her. How could you hate her? She is simply too cool. Provo needs a makeover with "Whatchu' waiting for?"
I hope you all enjoy the songs... or if you hate what I've recommended for you... take 5 minutes out for yourself and relax. Everything will be okay. P.S. I am not as flaming gay as I sound in these posts... lol... I promise. It is fun to be a little flamboyant though sometimes :)
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