"How do you do?" Shakira

I just got the new shakira CD, and the first song on it is...Amazing to me. It spoke to me, as if she had taken the words straight out of me. I am sort of amazed, the song for me is almost an answer to my prayers in a way. Maybe a sign of understanding. Maybe I am reading into it too much. But, regardless, the lyrics are really great. Here they are....

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us

Give us this day our daily breadDaily bread,

daily bread

In cello et en terra fiat voluntas tua

Gloria Espiritui Sancto

What language do you speak

If you speak at all?

Are you some kind of freak

Who lives to raise the ones who fall?

Hey, would you tell me why

The cat fights the dog?

Do you go to the Mosque

Or the Synagogue?

And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger

And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK 'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

Hey, do you feel our pain

And walk in our shoes?

Have you ever felt starved

Or is your belly always full?

How many people die

And hurt in your name?

Hey, does that make you proud

Or does it bring you shame?

And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger

And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK

'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us...

Same Zoonoobee (Arabic)

Ya Allah

Give us this day our daily bread

... Ya Allah ...

Daily bread

... Ya Allah ...

Daily bread...

...Ya Allah ...

Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us...

S'lach lanu (hebrew)

Give us this day our daily bread

... Mechilah....

Daily bread

Daily bread

Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory

Amen!

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so highAnd are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

Well that's OK

'cause we all have

And if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine?

... Will you forgive mine?

How do you do?

How does it feel to be so high

And are you happy?

Do you ever cry?

... I sometimes cry ...

You've made mistakes

And that's OK 'cause we all have

But if I forgive yours

Will you forgive mine...?

Talks

Last night I had a great talk with a friend of mine who 'KNOWS'. It was great to talk to her because she has been through this with 3 other guys (apparently). So, she really knows what happens, how difficult it is, and the inner struggle that this is. I have a few other people who know, but sometimes I feel like they just dont have enough experience with it, its just nice to talk to someone who can say, "I understand."

Anyway, I told her all about me being gay and even into the religious intricacies of Mormonism compared to Catholocism for instance. The differences arent that big (to me), but they are there. I dont know that she fully understood, but it was nice to talk. Its always cathartic to get it out... but at the same time I dont want to let it consume me to the point where its all I think about....ha, oh wait, thats already happened. I DO want to be more normal, in the sense of sort of accepting it and moving on, because I really am too tired to continue struggling like this, feeling horrible one day, the next feeling okay or even good. And then something else will happen and I feel awful again... its a constant struggle, cycle, whatever you want to call it. I am tired of feeling like I am dead on the inside, dead everywhere. I need to feel alive again somehow, and to pick up the pieces, as fragile as they are.

I d0 feel some success in that I can talk about it now with people and not feel completely depressed by it... yesterday being one of those instances.

In other news, a friend of mine invited me to hang out with some of his friends... all gay guys... and watch Desperate Housewives! Apparently they want to meet me... I mean, who wouldnt want to meet the most ironic person in the world? ;)

Lol, he was like, "it will be good for you to see that gay guys can be normal just like everyone else." And I think he's right. So I will probably go hang out with them because I should, and because the worst thing that could happen is that I feel nervous and uncomfortable for an hour. The best case scenario is that I make a few new friends who wont look down on me for being this way. But I know him, and I'm sure his friends are great guys as well, so I am sure I wont be uncomfortable around them.

Marriage, Happiness, and I am selfish. Great

Sometimes I wish it would all end. Its really tough having few outlets... and even the ones who do know dont let me just TALK.... Today I feel particularly empty, miserable, sad....all of those things that no one likes feeling.

My mother apparently thinks I dont want my sister to be happy...because I dont share the same eagerness to have my sister married off to some guy (who is mormon, thats the only reason why my mom even likes the guy) who lives 1500 miles from us. My viewpoint is this: how will they get to know each other? Over the phone? Ooh, useful. And my mom is desperate to the point of "she can move to where HE lives if that's what it takes." "Do you think she'll be happy in the long run, alone? working? You arent thinking LONG TERM. You are thinking till 35, 40...."

"I never said I wanted I dont want her to be happy! I'm sorry if I dont thnk marriage is the only way to be happy. Sorry if I dont think women should have to pop out babies and stay at home with them all day. And then cook for their perfect little husbands at 6 pm. Sorry if I think it might ALSO be fulfilling to have both a career and a family. They arent mutually exclusive you know. Sorry If I dont think my sister should have to MOVE 1500 miles away to find a husband."

Sorry if I dont want my sister to end up like you mom, Married with 5 kids and chronically depressed..... wait, thats the only way to be happy?!?! Harsh. I know.

Apparently, I want my sister to be unhappy. Great. Way to make me feel wonderful. I will admit I am afraid of losing her, my closest sister, to this putz from far away... I wanted her to be there for me when I am old and probably single.... because I always knew I would be, and she always said she would be old and single and we'd take care of each other. This stupid guy ruins my plan of spinsterhood with my sister....lol. Yeah, and maybe that is selfish. But its sort of been my irrational, "make yourself-feel-better" plan for my life. But its hard for me to swallow all this craziness in my life at once......

But then the religious upbringing comes back to kick me in the head.
Of course it is the only way. Its the only way to have a family. To have a significant other for the rest of your life. Adam & Eve. Not Adam & Steve..... do I really want to grow old with another man? Do i want to grow old with anyone? Do I just want to roll over and die right now? yes. How bad do you want to be dead right now? Pretty badly....

Now that my rant is over. No idea if that made any sense....... I'm off to blare madonna in my car.

Tired yet thankful....

Its 12:38 right now.... thanksgiving day has arrived!

So what am I thankful for?

-First and foremost, my Family, who I love so much and with all of my heart. I love the time that I spend with them although I probably dont show it enough. But me and my sisters & brothers each have a unique dynamic that I love. I love my parents so much, although sometimes they drive me crazy, and although they probably think I am a ungrateful kid at times. My grandmothers who I love to see and hug, Im so glad they've been able to watch me grow up. My aunts, uncles and cousins with whom I've been able to talk and get to know over the years.

-My friends, who support me every day. They are the ones who know about my struggles. They often dont know what to say, but at least they listen, at least they offer me the best advice they can give. I am so thankful for "A"- one particular friend who is always there when I need her....a friend who drives me crazy, but one who I feel my life would be very incomplete without!

-I'm thankful for my health (Hopefully I'll keep it for the future....)

-My opportunities to study and progress towards my career goals.

-I'm thankful for my dog & cat :) .

-The sunrise.

-Madonna's new CD ;)

-Someone's blue eyes.

-Harry Potter

-The beach...... & the sun at the beach :-D

Those are just the beginning of the very long list of things I am thankful for.

Sadly, I worry everyday that I will lose all of the things that I value and treasure so much, because of the way I am...b/c of changes if the find out... Whatever. Maybe I should just be thankful for those things, and stop worrying for five minutes..... yeah, thats what I'll try to do.

Everyday Confusion.

I hate this. Everyday I walk around, looking at all the beautiful people... and everytime I look at a girl, I have this deep inner hope that I'll find one of them attractive in that way.... Sadly it never seems to be like that. Sometimes I'll see a beautiful girl, my eye might even be drawn to her. But it never travels up and down. Its always wow, she has a beautiful face. And to be drawn to a woman, she has to look like a supermodel. Im talking Giselle Bundchen or Yamila Diaz... with guys its... Wow, he's got a gorgeous face and a hot body. Plus I am attracted to REAL guys...ones who DONT look like supermodels. But, I'm tired of always questioning my attractions. Sometimes I get so disgusted with this questioning that its like I shut it all off. I suppose I suppress all my attractions when it gets to be too much. Everyone I talk to is just like, ACCEPT IT! Move on with your life.

Doesnt it seem plausible that I would be interested in persuing a relationship with a woman if I were ACTUALLY attracted to women? I've had many an opportunity...with girls who are, frankly jaw-droppingly beautiful. Zero interest. I always wondered why I never thought it would be hard to not have sex or do other things that the church doesnt approve of, when it comes to women....

Then I think to myself, well what if I am bisexual or something? I dont even believe in bisexuality!! (this is based both on my study of psychology and of my own experiences.) What if, because i've never REALLY hooked up with a girl, I just dont know what I am missing. Then comes the cycle of crazy thoughts, worrying if its all a mistake, maybe Im NOT attracted to guys......................*breathe*.

But then, there is one particular guy who sort of 'outed' me, last summer... Nothing 'happened' between us, but we are still friends. I told him timing was bad, that I was interested/attracted to him, but certainly nowhere ready to have a dating / more serious relationship with him. But its all different with him....I would love to experience a real kiss with him. I would love to cuddle with him, lay my head on his chest for hours at a time....Who knows what else :-O . I look into his GORGEOUS eyes--eyes like Ice, like Angel's Eyes.... and its a whole different world there..... ANYWAYS. Its an emotional attachment I've never had. So I guess THAT is what really means something.... (how embarassing would it be if he somehow comes across this??? LOL).

Its just hard to constantly try and "be myself", when so many facets of my life tell me NOT to be myself. They tell me to go back, to retreat into the safety of 'heterosexuality'.... Its this daily battle, a daily struggle. And its really taking its toll.

And for those of you who actually read to the end of this post, thank you.

Bad Day, Psychology, Rants and Raves.

My days, for the past few months-- since July '05 or so.... have all be up and down. One day I feel fine or good. The next day I constantly have my issues on my mind....here is a SMALL amount of what might go through my head every day.....

I've read about people who enter reparative/aversion therapy to try and 'cure' or 'change' their homosexual 'tendencies'. I dont know whether or not the church officially endorses such therapies, probably not, but I do know that they have been recommended for some Gay people. As someone studying psychology, I know the dangers of thinking that you can change something as deeply rooted as sexual orientation. This kind of therapy is DANGEROUS and it is irresponsible, and in my opionion, sinful and wrong to force someone through something as traumatic as reparative therapy.... Current psychological literature seems to indicate, more than anything, a genetic / brain structure theory regarding homosexuality. Ie, it is not learned, its not due to weak father-son & overly strong mother-son bonds. Twin studies show that Identical twins are much much more likely to both identify as homosexual, if one identifies as homosexual (this remains true for twins separated at birth, thus taking care of the 'situational' argument. If you have a brother or sister that is homosexual, it is more likely that they will have another sibling who is also gay.....it goes on and on.

Anyways. My point is, I dont agree with the stance of the church. But for some reason I cant let go of some of the beliefs, the teachings. I like many of them. I dont particularly care for the Mormon culture, but I am independent enough to ignore that aspect of it.....now if only I were straight everything would be fine right?

At some point, I'm pretty sure I will tell my parents and my family. I dont think its healthy to hide something like this. I dont think its fair to me, or my family for that matter. All I want is to be able to lead as normal a life as is possible. Its not like its a disease, its not like gay people act any differently, or arent the same person. Sexuality is NOT all what gay people are. We're people too, and I dont think enough people realize that. Gays are simply marginalized to just that; Gay. Thats all they are to most people, and everything that they say or do seems to come back to the fact that they are gay. I dont think thats fair, and anyone who knows a gay person well will tell you that they are people with feelings just like everyone else. So they are guys who like guys. Big deal.... thats how they ended up, and I feel its not right to make them suppress all that and pretend to be something they arent.

Notice how none of the people who make up such policies are gay. They have no idea what its like. Its easy for them to say, oh well, you have to suppress it, or, if you pray enough or are faithful enough, or get married, these thoughts and feelings will go away. I've read story after story that says otherwise...... and I think those people who are brave enough to TELL their stories to the world should be commended. What I think is tragic is men who feel pressured to get married, and then they wind up hooking up with other men on the side. Or having children and then coming out to their wives and children, and/ or running off with men who they love. I dont think thats the best option at all. In fact, I think its a bad decision, because you arent being true to anyone. Not to yourself, not to your spouse, nor your children.......

Can anyone here tell that I'm a bit frustrated / upset today?

Funny story....

So I have a friend in one of the classes I am taking at school.... we dont know each other well, but we talk etc. Last week i saw her in class, and happened to excitedly mention how I JUST got the new Madonna CD (Confessions on a dance floor)! And how I put it on my iPod that same day. She looked at me funny for a second....and then out came the words...."Are you gay?"

*CRAP! CRAP! WHAT!? WHAT DO I DO?!* *Breathe*

*Just tell the truth*

My immediate response was to simply grin at her, and nod discreetly. She smiled, and assured me she wouldnt tell anyone, and I made it a point to tell her the BIG problems that would ensue if word spread around..... on our break, she told me one of her gay friends she introduced me to earlier on (weeks before this) saw me, talked to me, and after I left goes, "your friend is gay." lol..... gaydar is a real thing, everyone! Even though its not blatant with me at all, I do have my 'gay' quirks. And you know what...... they are part of me, and I love them.

Up and Down

I have a friend, who actually lives outside of the U.S., who I "met" through a website (NO NOT a gay dating / chat website).... long story.

Anyways, we talk. He is gay too, and he isnt out to anyone except a few friends and his BF... obviously...lol. Its interesting though, because he is an Athiest. He thinks when we die, that thats it... we're dead and its all over. I think thats a sad belief system. But who am I to say he is wrong? For all I know he could be right. But then I go and feel like he has it so easy...no religion telling him that he's going to roast in the firey pits, or at best go to "heaven" with the 'whoremongers and liars and sorcerers' or whatever. I feel like if I were in his shoes, I'd march up to my parents, and probably tearfully, say, "Sorry guys, but this is the way I am. I hope you guys understand, I love you both more than words can do justice. And I hope that feeling will not change for either of you. Can we move forward now?" Simple & sweet.........

I feel like its all this weight placed upon me. And even if I didnt go to church or stopped believing in this, I would still always have it in the back of my mind, haunting me until the day I die.

If I had a belief system like that, I dont think I would feel so much pressure to not be the way that I am. Maybe I just say that. But I feel like thats the biggest thing holding me back. Or is it really holding me back? Would I also end up constrained by society, unable to tell my family and friends? Then I feel selfish and bad for even thinking that he has it easy compared to me. How bad is it for me to reduce his own sorrows and trials in life to being 'lesser' than mine....

He has a Boyfriend that he loves and what not... I am happy for him. But I dont know if I'll ever be truly happy. I may live afraid to put myself out there. Cut off from both religion and from love, because I am afraid of both. Its like I am doing a balancing act on a tight-rope, and things are totally not going according to plan. Nothing ever goes according to plan though, does it? I guess I should have expected that.

Anyways... thats the thought for the day.

Intro, A LOT Bit...about me.

Here's a little bit about me. lol...unforunately I cant say much for fear of being identified...... Anyways. I am MANY things. I am a ethnically mixed person, who loves his culture. I am gay. I am Mormon. If there is one thing you can name in the world, I can connect myself to it somehow. That's how mixed I am. I am confused, often depressed, angry, or tired, always lost, and always questioning.

I always wonder how I ended up like this. Gay, Mormon, and partially of an ethnicity that isnt exactly open to homosexuality. God must have been busy cooking some other plans when he made me, because..... lol.... WHO ELSE ends up like this? I gather there are at least a million other gay mormons.... 12,000,000 members, 10-12 percent of the general population is gay. So....there are others, I know that.

But I want to know how they live day to day. I want to know if they are happy. I want to know if I'll ever be happy again. Or if I'll live forever as unhappy as I am now. Sometimes I think I cant take it, sometimes I want out. Death would be easier, I tell myself. But then I know maybe I am here on this earth to learn something from the way I am. To maybe TEACH something from the way I am. To be the best person I can be. So maybe I should stay. Depsite the fact, that I often see death's door as an easy way out. It looks easy. But I usually take the hard way no matter what. I guess my life will be a big challenge. Maybe that's what its supposed to be, right?

Its like I am the most "messed" up person on earth. (I use messed up in a very loose fashion-- if you met me, you'd probably never guess all of the things that I am divulging here, now.) Yet I have a personality, I have friends, I can be so happy, I can be so sad. Its like I am like everyone else. But then I am not. I am on the whole very well adjusted. I love life. I love so many things and people. But then I have this part of me that is unfulfilled, that is...wrong... that I have to supposedly suppress and hide. And I dont want to do that anymore. So.... day by day I'm trying to break free, and think for myself, think what I really want. What is really right. What I really need. What my family needs, or should know. Each day I think....every day exhausts me. But I know I should wake up again each morning, thanking my lucky stars for all that I DO have. Because despite my many problems, fears, desires.... I know it could be much worse for me...This blog more than anything, I guess, is about my journey through what will make or break me.

-DCTwistedLife

Alarm Clocks & Church Meetings

Today's sunday. I hate Sundays.... because I wake up and always make a decision. To go to church, or not to go. Today my alarm clock went off at 11:05. 5 mins after the main session started. I opened my phone and shut it again. Went back to sleep.

I go about 50% of the time. But then I sit in church and I feel empty. I feel like thats where I SHOULD be, in an odd twisted sort of way. But at the same time I feel sad, like everyone is watching me, like I'd rather be almost anywhere else... I dont feel like I am welcome anymore (though I never did even as I was growing up). And the sad thing is that I havent ever DONE anything with another guy....truthfully I havent done anything with anyone.... not out of lack of opportunity, but rather because I was always afraid, or not really interested.

I am tired though, of going to church and thinking of all the things I dont agree with. Things that I've felt differently about since I was small, not just gay issues. But then there is this huge fear thats been instilled inside of me that says, if you make the wrong choices, there'll be hell to pay. And I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being alone.

It doesnt seem fair to me that everyone else is ENCOURAGED to love someone, but me, because of the way I am, I am not allowed to do that. I either get to be single my entire life, or be cast away / out of church for the rest of my life..... Polar opposites...no middle ground. And I am tired of that small-minded mentality. I dont THINK that its right, logically. I KNOW I didnt CHOOSE to be this way. Yet the church says I did. But then, who says God has to agree with me? Who says though, that that's what God really wants. I am simply troubled by the barrage of thoughts I have regarding ME and my church.... hard to reconcile the two. Hard? No, Impossible.

I guess I'll be afraid for a while longer...... any thoughts?