Everyday Confusion.

I hate this. Everyday I walk around, looking at all the beautiful people... and everytime I look at a girl, I have this deep inner hope that I'll find one of them attractive in that way.... Sadly it never seems to be like that. Sometimes I'll see a beautiful girl, my eye might even be drawn to her. But it never travels up and down. Its always wow, she has a beautiful face. And to be drawn to a woman, she has to look like a supermodel. Im talking Giselle Bundchen or Yamila Diaz... with guys its... Wow, he's got a gorgeous face and a hot body. Plus I am attracted to REAL guys...ones who DONT look like supermodels. But, I'm tired of always questioning my attractions. Sometimes I get so disgusted with this questioning that its like I shut it all off. I suppose I suppress all my attractions when it gets to be too much. Everyone I talk to is just like, ACCEPT IT! Move on with your life.

Doesnt it seem plausible that I would be interested in persuing a relationship with a woman if I were ACTUALLY attracted to women? I've had many an opportunity...with girls who are, frankly jaw-droppingly beautiful. Zero interest. I always wondered why I never thought it would be hard to not have sex or do other things that the church doesnt approve of, when it comes to women....

Then I think to myself, well what if I am bisexual or something? I dont even believe in bisexuality!! (this is based both on my study of psychology and of my own experiences.) What if, because i've never REALLY hooked up with a girl, I just dont know what I am missing. Then comes the cycle of crazy thoughts, worrying if its all a mistake, maybe Im NOT attracted to guys......................*breathe*.

But then, there is one particular guy who sort of 'outed' me, last summer... Nothing 'happened' between us, but we are still friends. I told him timing was bad, that I was interested/attracted to him, but certainly nowhere ready to have a dating / more serious relationship with him. But its all different with him....I would love to experience a real kiss with him. I would love to cuddle with him, lay my head on his chest for hours at a time....Who knows what else :-O . I look into his GORGEOUS eyes--eyes like Ice, like Angel's Eyes.... and its a whole different world there..... ANYWAYS. Its an emotional attachment I've never had. So I guess THAT is what really means something.... (how embarassing would it be if he somehow comes across this??? LOL).

Its just hard to constantly try and "be myself", when so many facets of my life tell me NOT to be myself. They tell me to go back, to retreat into the safety of 'heterosexuality'.... Its this daily battle, a daily struggle. And its really taking its toll.

And for those of you who actually read to the end of this post, thank you.