Alarm Clocks & Church Meetings

Today's sunday. I hate Sundays.... because I wake up and always make a decision. To go to church, or not to go. Today my alarm clock went off at 11:05. 5 mins after the main session started. I opened my phone and shut it again. Went back to sleep.

I go about 50% of the time. But then I sit in church and I feel empty. I feel like thats where I SHOULD be, in an odd twisted sort of way. But at the same time I feel sad, like everyone is watching me, like I'd rather be almost anywhere else... I dont feel like I am welcome anymore (though I never did even as I was growing up). And the sad thing is that I havent ever DONE anything with another guy....truthfully I havent done anything with anyone.... not out of lack of opportunity, but rather because I was always afraid, or not really interested.

I am tired though, of going to church and thinking of all the things I dont agree with. Things that I've felt differently about since I was small, not just gay issues. But then there is this huge fear thats been instilled inside of me that says, if you make the wrong choices, there'll be hell to pay. And I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being alone.

It doesnt seem fair to me that everyone else is ENCOURAGED to love someone, but me, because of the way I am, I am not allowed to do that. I either get to be single my entire life, or be cast away / out of church for the rest of my life..... Polar opposites...no middle ground. And I am tired of that small-minded mentality. I dont THINK that its right, logically. I KNOW I didnt CHOOSE to be this way. Yet the church says I did. But then, who says God has to agree with me? Who says though, that that's what God really wants. I am simply troubled by the barrage of thoughts I have regarding ME and my church.... hard to reconcile the two. Hard? No, Impossible.

I guess I'll be afraid for a while longer...... any thoughts?