Here's a little bit about me. lol...unforunately I cant say much for fear of being identified...... Anyways. I am MANY things. I am a ethnically mixed person, who loves his culture. I am gay. I am Mormon. If there is one thing you can name in the world, I can connect myself to it somehow. That's how mixed I am. I am confused, often depressed, angry, or tired, always lost, and always questioning.
I always wonder how I ended up like this. Gay, Mormon, and partially of an ethnicity that isnt exactly open to homosexuality. God must have been busy cooking some other plans when he made me, because..... lol.... WHO ELSE ends up like this? I gather there are at least a million other gay mormons.... 12,000,000 members, 10-12 percent of the general population is gay. So....there are others, I know that.
But I want to know how they live day to day. I want to know if they are happy. I want to know if I'll ever be happy again. Or if I'll live forever as unhappy as I am now. Sometimes I think I cant take it, sometimes I want out. Death would be easier, I tell myself. But then I know maybe I am here on this earth to learn something from the way I am. To maybe TEACH something from the way I am. To be the best person I can be. So maybe I should stay. Depsite the fact, that I often see death's door as an easy way out. It looks easy. But I usually take the hard way no matter what. I guess my life will be a big challenge. Maybe that's what its supposed to be, right?
Its like I am the most "messed" up person on earth. (I use messed up in a very loose fashion-- if you met me, you'd probably never guess all of the things that I am divulging here, now.) Yet I have a personality, I have friends, I can be so happy, I can be so sad. Its like I am like everyone else. But then I am not. I am on the whole very well adjusted. I love life. I love so many things and people. But then I have this part of me that is unfulfilled, that is...wrong... that I have to supposedly suppress and hide. And I dont want to do that anymore. So.... day by day I'm trying to break free, and think for myself, think what I really want. What is really right. What I really need. What my family needs, or should know. Each day I think....every day exhausts me. But I know I should wake up again each morning, thanking my lucky stars for all that I DO have. Because despite my many problems, fears, desires.... I know it could be much worse for me...This blog more than anything, I guess, is about my journey through what will make or break me.
-DCTwistedLife
2 comments:
Welcome to the blogger. I wish I had some answers for you but I don't. Just know that there are many out here that will support you as best we can through this strange medium of internet blogging.
Well I just found your blog right before class so I couldn't read much but sounds like we're in similar cicumstances--sometimes it really sucks, but most of the time it just makes things interesting. I'll read some more about you later.
Post a Comment