I have a friend, who actually lives outside of the U.S., who I "met" through a website (NO NOT a gay dating / chat website).... long story.
Anyways, we talk. He is gay too, and he isnt out to anyone except a few friends and his BF... obviously...lol. Its interesting though, because he is an Athiest. He thinks when we die, that thats it... we're dead and its all over. I think thats a sad belief system. But who am I to say he is wrong? For all I know he could be right. But then I go and feel like he has it so easy...no religion telling him that he's going to roast in the firey pits, or at best go to "heaven" with the 'whoremongers and liars and sorcerers' or whatever. I feel like if I were in his shoes, I'd march up to my parents, and probably tearfully, say, "Sorry guys, but this is the way I am. I hope you guys understand, I love you both more than words can do justice. And I hope that feeling will not change for either of you. Can we move forward now?" Simple & sweet.........
I feel like its all this weight placed upon me. And even if I didnt go to church or stopped believing in this, I would still always have it in the back of my mind, haunting me until the day I die.
If I had a belief system like that, I dont think I would feel so much pressure to not be the way that I am. Maybe I just say that. But I feel like thats the biggest thing holding me back. Or is it really holding me back? Would I also end up constrained by society, unable to tell my family and friends? Then I feel selfish and bad for even thinking that he has it easy compared to me. How bad is it for me to reduce his own sorrows and trials in life to being 'lesser' than mine....
He has a Boyfriend that he loves and what not... I am happy for him. But I dont know if I'll ever be truly happy. I may live afraid to put myself out there. Cut off from both religion and from love, because I am afraid of both. Its like I am doing a balancing act on a tight-rope, and things are totally not going according to plan. Nothing ever goes according to plan though, does it? I guess I should have expected that.
Anyways... thats the thought for the day.
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2 comments:
Hi,
My name is Bill. I am a long time reader of Struggling/Gay Mormon's website. That's how I found out about yours. I live in Jacksonville, FL with my boyfriend of 26 years. I just wanted to say, I appreciate your struggle. I know it isn't easy, but I can tell you it is worth it. Life is never perfect, but being your authentic self is the best choice you can make. Most importantly, whatever you do, never lose sight of your self worth. If I can help, let me know. My email is tripplogan@aol.com.
I wish you well.
i think that ur blessed for having both religion and tons of love in ur life...and as i have said all along, the people who really matter and care about you most in the world, the ones u REALLY want to keep around you for years to come are gonna love you no matter what u tell them.
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