Bad Day, Psychology, Rants and Raves.

My days, for the past few months-- since July '05 or so.... have all be up and down. One day I feel fine or good. The next day I constantly have my issues on my mind....here is a SMALL amount of what might go through my head every day.....

I've read about people who enter reparative/aversion therapy to try and 'cure' or 'change' their homosexual 'tendencies'. I dont know whether or not the church officially endorses such therapies, probably not, but I do know that they have been recommended for some Gay people. As someone studying psychology, I know the dangers of thinking that you can change something as deeply rooted as sexual orientation. This kind of therapy is DANGEROUS and it is irresponsible, and in my opionion, sinful and wrong to force someone through something as traumatic as reparative therapy.... Current psychological literature seems to indicate, more than anything, a genetic / brain structure theory regarding homosexuality. Ie, it is not learned, its not due to weak father-son & overly strong mother-son bonds. Twin studies show that Identical twins are much much more likely to both identify as homosexual, if one identifies as homosexual (this remains true for twins separated at birth, thus taking care of the 'situational' argument. If you have a brother or sister that is homosexual, it is more likely that they will have another sibling who is also gay.....it goes on and on.

Anyways. My point is, I dont agree with the stance of the church. But for some reason I cant let go of some of the beliefs, the teachings. I like many of them. I dont particularly care for the Mormon culture, but I am independent enough to ignore that aspect of it.....now if only I were straight everything would be fine right?

At some point, I'm pretty sure I will tell my parents and my family. I dont think its healthy to hide something like this. I dont think its fair to me, or my family for that matter. All I want is to be able to lead as normal a life as is possible. Its not like its a disease, its not like gay people act any differently, or arent the same person. Sexuality is NOT all what gay people are. We're people too, and I dont think enough people realize that. Gays are simply marginalized to just that; Gay. Thats all they are to most people, and everything that they say or do seems to come back to the fact that they are gay. I dont think thats fair, and anyone who knows a gay person well will tell you that they are people with feelings just like everyone else. So they are guys who like guys. Big deal.... thats how they ended up, and I feel its not right to make them suppress all that and pretend to be something they arent.

Notice how none of the people who make up such policies are gay. They have no idea what its like. Its easy for them to say, oh well, you have to suppress it, or, if you pray enough or are faithful enough, or get married, these thoughts and feelings will go away. I've read story after story that says otherwise...... and I think those people who are brave enough to TELL their stories to the world should be commended. What I think is tragic is men who feel pressured to get married, and then they wind up hooking up with other men on the side. Or having children and then coming out to their wives and children, and/ or running off with men who they love. I dont think thats the best option at all. In fact, I think its a bad decision, because you arent being true to anyone. Not to yourself, not to your spouse, nor your children.......

Can anyone here tell that I'm a bit frustrated / upset today?