Talks

Last night I had a great talk with a friend of mine who 'KNOWS'. It was great to talk to her because she has been through this with 3 other guys (apparently). So, she really knows what happens, how difficult it is, and the inner struggle that this is. I have a few other people who know, but sometimes I feel like they just dont have enough experience with it, its just nice to talk to someone who can say, "I understand."

Anyway, I told her all about me being gay and even into the religious intricacies of Mormonism compared to Catholocism for instance. The differences arent that big (to me), but they are there. I dont know that she fully understood, but it was nice to talk. Its always cathartic to get it out... but at the same time I dont want to let it consume me to the point where its all I think about....ha, oh wait, thats already happened. I DO want to be more normal, in the sense of sort of accepting it and moving on, because I really am too tired to continue struggling like this, feeling horrible one day, the next feeling okay or even good. And then something else will happen and I feel awful again... its a constant struggle, cycle, whatever you want to call it. I am tired of feeling like I am dead on the inside, dead everywhere. I need to feel alive again somehow, and to pick up the pieces, as fragile as they are.

I d0 feel some success in that I can talk about it now with people and not feel completely depressed by it... yesterday being one of those instances.

In other news, a friend of mine invited me to hang out with some of his friends... all gay guys... and watch Desperate Housewives! Apparently they want to meet me... I mean, who wouldnt want to meet the most ironic person in the world? ;)

Lol, he was like, "it will be good for you to see that gay guys can be normal just like everyone else." And I think he's right. So I will probably go hang out with them because I should, and because the worst thing that could happen is that I feel nervous and uncomfortable for an hour. The best case scenario is that I make a few new friends who wont look down on me for being this way. But I know him, and I'm sure his friends are great guys as well, so I am sure I wont be uncomfortable around them.