Today is a bad day. I woke up and I feel an overwhelming sense of crappyness. I have been going through some more emotionally confusing crap, and I really am tired.
Is there such a thing as bisexuality? They always say "bi now, gay later". Maybe thats true. But I've never hooked up with anyone. I'm 21. So its not like I KNOW either way. And I'm not some social-screw up with no friends and who doesnt know how to talk to people. I can talk to girls, I can talk to guys. Actually I talk with girls more easily, but of course on the fun friend kind of level. I just feel like I've been clinging on to this irrational / twisted "hope" that I'm not gay. And on top of that, I feel like "what if this is all a mistake, what if I am mis interpreting everything I see and feel...". And I guess I probably am not, but I feel like there is that ever present possibility that I am bi or not gay and so I fear I am making the wrong 'decision'.
The thing is: I dont want to be this way. I wish it were any other way. And something that I read in "El Veneno's" response in "On the fences'" blog struck me. He said he is 24 and never done anything with a guy. Ok, no problem there. He also said, "I've tried not to believe in the church but I cant not believe in it..."(or something to that effect). Well no offense to El Veneno... but that does upset me in a way. The thing is that I've never been wayy into being Mormon. In fact I dont like most things about the church regardless of their stance on homosexuality. I hate the pressure to get married, I hate how people are judgemental, and I cant stand the lack of diversity. But I always felt that I could sidestep those issues and just do my own thing, because I felt that it might be true, or because I FEARED that it might be true. The problem I've always had was not recognizing the fact that I dont agree with half the stuff they say in the first place, but that it MIGHT be the way things are, regardless of how I feel about them. Which, frankly sucks.
If I am gay because this is how God made me. Then what the hell kind of a test is that? I don't get it. Who would do that to their 'child', someone they 'love' unconditionally? Allow them to develop so that they have an attraction to the same sex, which is supposedly against God's entire plan. And then, on top of that, expect them to never ever act on that. And make it so that tons of people hate you because of your attraction. You know... 90 percent of people dont go through that. Everyone loses loved ones to death, everyone sees disease, poverty. Everyone experiences pressure of some sort, be it to feed themselves or to run a multinational corperation. Those are UNIVERSAL tests. But relatively few people, in the grand scheme of the worlds population are like this. And I don't think its fair, and I dont think its funny, and I think its disgusting that if God does exist, that he would let this happen to people. (I feel I can say that because he already knows that this is how I feel...lol). Have you read the blogs of my fellow gay mormons? That's a testimony of self-hatred times 1000. Is that what he wants? He wants us to be suicidal, and depressed? To feel like shit everyday? Its really okay that gay people should never be allowed to love someone of the same sex, when everyone else gets to love someone? I should just read my Book of Mormon and live off of the spiritual perfection, and forget all my sorrows, right? Well what about the guys who have actually tried so hard to do that, and yet they fail? I have been a pretty decent guy. I have TRIED to make it work, I tried to keep my faith. It hasn't worked. Where are those answers?
I am angry. I am tired. And I hope that when I die I get a damn good explanation for all this. I am not just a chess-piece in God's big game. I'm tired of being played like a pawn by everyone and everything around me. Checkmate.
10 comments:
I'm so glad you wrote this. I have often had those same thoughts of why would the ONE being that loves unconditionally let this happen to his children if it is wrong? Just know that you have a lot of support out there.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I totally understand those moods! Thanks for sharing!
"Is there such a thing as bisexuality? They always say "bi now, gay later". Maybe thats true. But I've never hooked up with anyone. I'm 21. So its not like I KNOW either way."
This is one of the aspects of struggling with homosexuality that most fascinates me. I think most of us go through the same thing.
When I was struggling, I knew, deep inside, that I was gay. But I couldn't accept that on a conscious level. If I had been clear-thinking, I would have simply looked at the facts: When I saw a picture of a naked guy, it aroused me. When I saw a picture of a naked woman, it did nothing for me.
Because I wanted to be heterosexual, I entertained all kinds of thoughts about how I could be straight if I just figured out how to get into that mode. So I dated a woman in college. I was determined to have sex with a woman, as society expected me to do.
When the night came when we were finally alone in my bedroom, I made whatever moves I assumed a heterosexual guy was supposed to make. But I didn't feel connected to her at all. Eventually, she said, "You're putting me to sleep."
I never tried that again.
"The problem I've always had was not recognizing the fact that I dont agree with half the stuff they say in the first place, but that it MIGHT be the way things are, regardless of how I feel about them."
When I was a kid going to Catholic school, I was taught (or led to believe) that missing Mass on Sunday was a mortal sin and that I'd therefore go to Hell if I missed church on Sunday. As I grew older, I realized how ridiculous that was, and I simply dismissed that teaching. I've dismissed a lot of the other Catholic teachings as well, its antigay stuff especially. I'd guess that only a tiny minority of Catholics in the U.S. take seriously everything the Vatican says, even though the last pope, for example, pretty much said, "This ain't no democracy. Rules are rules."
The vexing thing for you, I think, is that the Mormon Church makes it extremely difficult to question the church's doctrines. There's no room for differing interpretations; there's no room for straying from what is "right."
You, thankfully, are allowing yourself to challenge your church's teachings, to reach your own independent conclusions about what is right and wrong.
That you're still worried that the church might be right is, I believe, perfectually understandable given the very thorough religious indoctrination you've experienced during the course of your life.
You have a right to be angry that you've been put in the position you're in. You've tried to be a good Mormon, but the church tells you that you can't continue to be a good Mormon if you live your life as God meant for you to live it -- as a gay person.
"And I hope that when I die I get a damn good explanation for all this. I am not just a chess-piece in God's big game."
I could discuss the "why" aspect for days, but I'll leave that for another post. Don't blame God, though. Blame a society that still can't get its act together enough to embrace its gay members.
Dave
I know exactly how you feel, I'm pretty much going through the same thing myself these days.
I hope I'm a good example of being a happy, gay Mormon. It is possible!
That's how I feel on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder if I have belief or superstition. Faith or fear. I think my quesioning began the day I realized that God is supposed to get the credit for everything that goes right, but he doesn't catch the blame for all the stuff that goes wrong. It didn't seem right that he could have it both ways. If god exists and he did make us gay on purpose, I'm not amused. It's easier to believe that it's just a hiccup in nature, accept it, move on, and enjoy who I am. I know, easier said than done. I also wonder on a regular basis if maybe I'm bisexual but it just doesn't pass the porno test. I'm only aroused by women when there's a man around and I can see what he's got.
I hope I'm a good example of being a happy, gay Mormon too. It is possible!
I'm not offended by what you said about me feeling like I couldn't make myself not believe in the church. It seems like you're saying your situation is different cause you've never believed. If that's the case, what's your hold up? But then you say that you fear it might all be right even if you don't agree with it. At least that's what I understood.
I met a 20 something year old once who came to church and participated every sunday without fail. He was shy and awkward and always looked kind of miserable at church. As I talked to him I learned that he had been baptized several years before. The Elders had lived in his house and had become very close to his brothers who were much more fun and outgoing. The elders were similarily constantly happy and bubbly. This guy really didn't like the elder's at all. However, he told us that one day while the elders were talking to his brothers he overheard from the kitchen and felt something that stirred him inside. He tried to deny it for several days just cause he didn't even want to talk to the bubbly elders with their gringo accents but he finally did and ended up being baptized cause he said he just knew it was right and knew at that point that he couldn't deny it.
Even after being a member for several years, he still felt awkward in the mormon culture but the things he felt compelled him to do everything he was supposed to.
That wasn't the perfect attitude at all, but I thought it was interesting. Not sure how that relates. I think it relates more to how I feel maybe than to you.
Tonight I went to my ward FHE. It was the first FHE of the new semester. I knew that there would be mad flirtation and social situations that would make me feel awkward, but I also knew that I should go.
So I went. The bishop spoke briefly about the gift of discernment and I knew what he was saying was true. More than that though, I looked around the room and saw dozens of great people. I admire my bishopric members and see pure christianity in their faces. I felt loved and accepted by the people there even though I'm weird and awkward. I was glad I went.
And that's pretty much how my life goes. I'm on a path and I'm not sure where it's going to take me but I know who's guiding me and I trust Him. He's never let me down. I mean that. Honestly.
After FHE I hung out with five other gay friends. We made cookies, played games, and went hot tubbing. We had a good time being ourselves. The other people in the hot tub made some joke about 6 guys in the hot tub or something but I really don't care.
I had a good day. I have a lot of good days. I know a lot of other gay or ssa or whatever guys who do and I think a big part of that is that we haven't given up some of the stuff that is most important to us--like God and yes, the LDS church.
Well... that was more than you wanted to hear. If I come across as a prick its cause its late. I really just hate to see other people going through the same torment I've gone through and sometimes go through.
luck.
I'm glad you're happy, el veneno. Truly.
You mentioned something -- discernment -- which is an important ability to attain and employ. More on that later.
I think that a guy saying he is bi is really gay and just doesn't want to fully admit it yet.
You know you are. You know what you believe in. Do what makes you happy and be yourself.
I know what you mean..as most gay mormons. We're all going through it. There is not much to say to alleviate it, accept knowing that there are others going through the same thing. That is what ultimately gave me happiness (which may sounds weird), but to just know that, 'oh I'm not this totally messed up person, and nobody understand me,' b/c hello there is this whole blog thing...there are a lot of us and I know it may sounds trite at times, but really its true - there is somebody else that knows. He knows. I do wonder, as well, what in the world was HE thinking, making me this way. Other times I know why - as with all of us I'm sure, it comes and goes. We have to cherrish the good moments and be strong and get by. It sucks like no other that nobody else understands and that they might think they do, they'll pass judgement, makes jokes, but a lot of it is how we percieve ourselves, and what we want to do about it. How are we going to react to them? How are we going to react to Him? I too used to be and still get way depressed, but not as much anymore, since I joined the church. I was 17 and like they say, truthfully though, "I don't know where I'd be without the church".
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