Before my trip, I was able to tell one of my very good friends, who I've known for years since high school- about my...preferences. She took it very well...rather, she said it totally didnt matter to her and that she figured it was a possibility anyways with me. I was able to update her about all the things that had happened to me so far on this, the beginning of a long journey for me. I'm so glad that she was able to listen and give me advice that I need. Good listeners are always great to have.
I also told her how I was afraid to tell my best friend who I've known for 15 years...I felt that we had so much history together. I felt too humiliated, embarassed.... because in high school it was this friend who always defended me, or told people off when they would be rude to me, call me gay, fag etc.... and then it turns out to be true. Thats why I was / am humiliated to tell her.
But then I got the courage to call her and arrange to have dinner yesterday. But I wanted to sort of warn her. So I told her over the phone first, so we both knew before we'd meet up. I didnt want it to be a surprise..... well. It wasnt really. But we ended up going to dinner and talking about it. I told her the whole story. How I met a boy over the summer who I was really attracted to....all that stuff. It was nice to tell her, now she really knows all of me.... and I feel like we are a lot closer. After the serious talk she asked me who I thought was hot in high school, and of hollywood stars... lol. We had fun, and I am more or less glad that I told her.
But at the end of the day, its always there in the back of my mind- the sadness, depression, guilt, regret, wishful thinking that my life werent this way. As much as I like telling her how I think Tom Welling and Ricky Martin are hot... I wish I could say the same for Jessic Simpson or Salma Hayek. lol. It's just sad that I feel like I'll never fully accept this. I feel so gyped (sp?), so ripped off. I always think that this is so not the life I asked for. SO not what I wanted. But I guess its what I have, and what I have to deal with. It upsets me a lot also that other ppl are more accepting of it than I am....... I dont know when I will be able to accept it and move on.......When does that finally happen?
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But at the end of the day, its always there in the back of my mind- the sadness, depression, guilt, regret, wishful thinking that my life werent this way. As much as I like telling her how I think Tom Welling and Ricky Martin are hot... I wish I could say the same for Jessic Simpson or Salma Hayek. lol. It's just sad that I feel like I'll never fully accept this. I feel so gyped (sp?), so ripped off. I always think that this is so not the life I asked for. SO not what I wanted. But I guess its what I have, and what I have to deal with.
Yea I've had these same thoughts. Such is life huh!
I felt the same way when I realized I was gay. I would have given anything to be normal. Everyone comes to terms with it in their own time, but I wanted you to know that it does get better and in time you'll realize your life will be just as full as it would be if you were straight. Telling those around you is a step in the right direction.
I totally understand what you are saying. It took me a long time to begin to tell people and I still have a lot to go. I understand the fear that goes along with that. I hope that you can continue to open yourself up to the people who are important to you and that someday you will find true happiness with whatever choice you do finally make.
"I dont know when I will be able to accept it and move on.......When does that finally happen?"
It will happen much sooner if you socialize more with other gay people.
I was totally in the closet when I moved to Dupont Circle years ago. I moved there without having any idea what a gay neighborhood it was!
When I eventually got up the nerve to inch my way out of the closet, I forced myself to attend the meeting of a coming-out group. It was horrendously nerve-wracking for me, and for the first month or two that I attended the group's meetings and social gatherings, I was too scared to tell anyone my last name, for fear that somehow I would end up being identified as gay in the Washington Post. How ridiculous is that?
Soon enough, of course, I was enjoying a new circle of gay friends, many of whom I stayed in touch with for years afterward.
D.C. is a great city to come out in. I still miss the place. If the weather weren't so crappy, my husband and I would probably move back there.
I don't know if you're aware, but the Washington Blade has a big listing of community groups at www.washblade.com. Click on Calendars, and then click on More Calendars to the lower right. Check it out!
Let me know if you have any questions about gay life in D.C. I'm pretty familiar with it. There's an e-mail link on my blog home page.
By the way, I read all of your posts today. You're having your ups and downs, which is normal. But you'll be fine. You really will be.
Dave
God made you who you are for a reason! Love yourself, embrace yourself. God made plenty, and I mean plenty of straight men who are fully attracted to jessica Simpson and Salm Hayek. That is their path and you have yours. You are strong enough and you have all the capacity to turn this guilt around and make it into something beautiful. You owe it to yourself to be good to your soul. Loving yourself and accepting your homosexuality as something holistically good is your key to success. It is not easy, but it is one of the most important things you will ever ever do. I know you can do it. I fully support you in your eneavours.
Being Mormon AND gay is rough. (I'm sure it's rough regardless of religious affiliation and upbringing, but with the whole "for time and all eternity" aspect of Mormon theology, it makes it all the more difficult.) I've walked the path you're on and you've captured it beautifully. I guess I would just echo what others have said: it does get better. You won't always feel this way. And one day you'll wake up, comfortable with yourself and who God created you to be: His child who He loves. Hang in there.
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