I've just been floating, drifting along for the past few days.... I'm interested...well, sort of interested to see what's gonna happen over the next few months. My friend who also happens to be the biggest thing 'gay' in my life has gone to Italy for the semester. I will miss him very much. But it seems like maybe once he leaves, he will take with him much of my interest in the gay world.... does that make any sense? Maybe I am giving him too much credit and influence. Maybe I'm just pretending like this all comes from him and not from my own wants... but without him I wouldn't have met all of those guys back in december, I wouldn't have come out to so many people, were it not for the experiences I've had with him.
I liked him so much. I do still like him. I feel this odd sense of loss for the time being... I know he'll be back in may-ish. Oh the summer. When it will all get scary and interesting again. But you know what, maybe it was all happening too fast, maybe this is my 4 1/2 months of break. Before he wreaks havoc on my heart, on my eyes and on my mind. Soon enough I'll look into his blue eyes, ones that look like ice, and I'll be wishing he was mine, and not someone elses. I'm sure that will happen again...
I guess some changes will continue slowly... I dont imagine myself becoming closer to the church, thats for sure. I dont imagine myself pretending to like girls anymore, thats another change. Maybe I'll find someone new! Who knows, right? I feel like I'm walking in the dark again, except there is less pressure right now. Thats good. But I do feel nervous not knowing what's coming my way. I guess time will tell.
3 comments:
"But it seems like maybe once he leaves, he will take with him much of my interest in the gay world....
Hmm. Say you meet someone who introduces you to, oh I don't know, inline skating. You soon come to love skating and love doing it with your new friend. Then he leaves. Do you think you would stop loving inline skating?
"But you know what, maybe it was all happening too fast, maybe this is my 4 1/2 months of break.... But I do feel nervous not knowing what's coming my way."
I felt the same way after I had just come out. It was as if, after years of standing on the banks of a fast-moving river, I finally took the plunge and braced myself for a long, long trip that would take me over rocks and through rapids, with no hint as to what would be around the next bend.
What I didn't realize was that I could easily enough get out of the water at any time and take a break for as long as I wanted.
I think it would be great if you'd continue to make new gay friends while your friend is away. But take a break if you need to.
Taking things slowly (but not too slowly) is fine. Taking things too quickly, though, could be overwhelming.
Dave
Waiting for something and feeling like there is something out of reach is sometimes the most exciting feeling. Embrace the ambiguity and run with it. You have a lot ahead of you. I feel like you have so much to offer, meet new people and learn to be proud of who you are (that doesn't mean be as out as you can, it just means be yourself and be happy with yourself.) Good luck with this new time.
By the way, that was an excellent message you posted on ondfence's blog.
Dave
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