My mother called me up, today unhappy about the way things are going in her life- rather, the way things are going in her childrens lives. She's sad that basically all of her children are not Mormon..... My eldest sister is currently on her way to visit a Mormon guy that she is trying to get her to marry.... big problem being that she lives here in the DC area....and he lives in Oklahoma. Not easy to start a relationship that way. Anyways, my eldest sister has been inactive in the church for years now... I don't know how many, and she just doesnt believe in it. My older brother stopped going to church 11 years ago, and is essentially atheist now. My other older sister is just spiritual, and believes in many of the principles of Mormonism, but she also thinks that a lot of it is a load of crap.
Then there is me, I have for the past 3 or 4 years, struggled with a deep knowledge that I am gay....all the while I attended church, not for me, because I never really liked it...it was okay, as it always was, but it certainly wasnt my favorite place to be. But I have tried so hard to make my mom happy, I don't want to fail her, I want to make her happy. But how can I continue this self-destructive cycle, only for her "benefit." I could sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life, I feel, and try to be in the church, only for her... It makes me feel selfish now, when I think of how upset she'll be if I tell her that I'm gay and that I just can't handle being gay and Mormon. But I also dont know if it would ever be enough. My mother has never really been happy, even when my Dad and the whole family were church-going folk. My oldest sister says she doesnt remember a time where my mom was truly happy.... and how sad is that? She has so much, we all do. We have a diverse family, we are big and obnoxious and crazy about each other. Luckily we dont have finanical worries. I dont know that my mom CAN be happy...she's on Zoloft, but I really havent noticed any change in her mood. I study psychology... I know then, that if the medicine is not working and its not a chemical imbalance, Depression is often caused then by maladaptive thoughts. The only way to change that is through therapy.....
Anyways, she was upset because my sister essentially told her today that she has no intention of returning to the Church...ever. My mom was saying, "I just dont get you guys, I think you guys are too spoiled, you think you dont need the lord anymore."
I said, "I dont think that's what its about. I think its that we were raised in a very very different environment than the average Mormon, and we were taught to be open thinkers. I guess we see some problems with church doctrines. And more than that, the church never made any of them happy. It's certainly not making you happy. Why would they stay with a church that made them unhappy? Religion should be there to make you happy, not to make you depressed. I dont think God is sitting up there wanting us to be miserable."
She replied, "Well its a big waste, no one goes to church, we wont be together eternally..."
Me: "Mom, where does it say - forget mormonism for a second- where does it say in the Bible that you'll never see your children and family again after you die?"
Mom: "It doesnt."
Me: "okay then... so personally I think its a scare tactic to get people to join the church. But I dont believe for a second that we wont see each other... I also dont believe that there is ONE way to God. Why would God bother creating or having all of these religions? He could just as easily have allowed for just one religion, and people would still have free agency to choose...There are three or four scenarios that are possible regarding death: one- Mormonism is right. Two, they are wrong and maybe we just float around after we die, and we are happy. Three, another religion is right and we are wrong. Four, we all just die and thats it. The point is NO ONE KNOWS. I'm sorry, I don't care what anyone says at testimony meetings, but they do not KNOW that this is the only way. They believe that they know. They can say they 'know' all they want to, but at the end of the day it comes down to faith. You need to be happy because youre Mormon, otherwise there's no point in following the religion. It should make you happy. Most of all, you cant live your childrens lives for them and its not your cross to bear mom! You think that X and Y family from Utah are perfect. What, do you think they're gonna be translated or something? Come on. NO family is perfect. Its an ILLUSION. They have their dirty laundry just like everyone else... and i feel bad for their kids because any of them who wanted to live differently would be totally ostrasiced. Where is the choices we're supposed to be given?"
Mom: "Easier said than done...if you ever have kids you'll understand...well... oh wow, look what they're saying on CNN about Hamas and the Palestinians...everyone's getting all riled up."
I guess she stops listening when she doesnt like what she's hearing. But I tried. I dont know what to tell her. And how can I go on like this, her thinking that I am more or less happy going to church now and then. When in reality the whole thing makes me miserable and I dont want to go. How can I place that burden on her, because she will take it as a burden, a cross she has to bear. How can I tell her not only that I'm gay but that I dont really want to be a part of a church that has made me sad for my whole life? I have tried to make her happy, and now it looks like I'm just going to give her an even greater fall. I dont know... I dont know.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Do you think your mom would be happy if she knew you're feigning interest in the church just to please her? Sure, she'd be disappointed that still another of her children is straying from her wishes for you all -- but surely she would not want you to pretend to be devoted to something you're not.
You seem to be an educated person; here are a few books you may want to read that have helped me. The first one is a called "A Conversation With God" by Neale Donald Walsch. For me it put a lot the issues I had with religions into perspective. Some of it is a little hokey but there are some good ideas there. I also have a friend who gave me a book because he could sense I was depressed, someone gave it to him and he passed it on to me, that book was "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. It may help you be ok with things you do and things other people do. Yeah some of it is cheesy but you can take what will help you from the books and create ideas that will work for you. I think deep down you know what you need to do. We all have that inner voice, sometimes we don’t want to listen or like what it says. But more often than not deep down we know what is right for us. I hope this doesn’t sound mean or anything, I am just throwing in my 2 cents, which I am sure everyone has. I also bet you get told a lot that you need to find distractions, I have been told that so many times I can sense when people are going to say it. Best of luck!
I'm glad you're realizing that you can't stay in the church just to make your mom happy. It's not fair to her or to you.
My mom does the same to me and she works for the Church. She's great at laying on that "Mormon guilt." I think once she realized that I was never going back to the church, she stopped saying things to me (even though she'll say them to my daughter behind my back. Oi vey).
It's hard for parents to see their kids go the opposite direction than what they raised them to go. (Does that make sense?) But eventually, they realize that they can no longer control us and just have to let us live our lifes the way we want and need to.
Teaching children to think for themselves and to be themselves are the greatest things a parent can teach their kids.
Post a Comment