Breakdown

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in a nervous breakdown state. What does this mean, you might ask?

It means... I felt like walking in front of every car on the street. I felt like crying, and screaming, and running. But I was too tired. I wasnt psychosis. Though it felt like it. No, I didnt talk to God, and I didnt see monsters coming after me. I didnt hear voices in my head- well, not ones that arent my own anyway.

It was more like this:
"Anxiety is a complex combination of negative emotion that includes fear, apprehension and worry, and is often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, chest pain and/or shortness of breath. It may exist as a primary brain disorder or may be associated with other medical problems, including other psychiatric disorders.
Emotionally, anxiety causes a sense of dread or panic, nausea and chills. Behaviorally, both voluntary and involuntary behaviors may arise directed at escaping or avoiding the source of anxiety. These behaviors are frequent and often maladaptive, being most extreme in anxiety disorders."

Ah, I wont forget the depressed part: (I've Highligted in RED the commonly felt ones...)


Depressed mood, or
Loss of interest or pleasure.
It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with four of a list of other symptoms. These include:
Feelings of overwhelming sadness or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion.
A decrease in the amount of pleasure derived from what were previously pleasurable activities.
Changing appetite and marked weight gain or weight loss.
Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia or excessive sleep.
Changes in activity levels, such as restlessness or a slowing of movement.
Fatigue, both mental and physical.
Feelings of guilt, helplessness, anxiety, and/or fear.
A decrease in self-esteem.
Trouble concentrating or making decisions.
Self-harm or ruminating on self-harm.
Ruminating on death and/or suicide.
Reduced memory.

Want to know why? I am signed up for a seminar in experimental psychology class.... which means I am an undergraduate senior going to class with 2nd and 3rd year Cogneuro PhD students. I felt...just a TAD out of place and impotent and underage..... so I find out that I have to present two papers over the course of the semester-- two 50 minute presentations. (HOLY CRAP.) To all of you in the professional world, maybe thats not a big deal. But to me it is. I hate getting up in front of my peers, let alone those who are older and more knowledgeable in the subject matter....I left that class in a daze / trance, amazed at what I will have to do in the next semester.

Then I went back to my room and read the paper that I would have to present. Its on these two separate visual pathways to the brain...a ventral and dorsal pathway that go to the posterior parietal cortex..... it gets much more complex than that. So of course me being the smart person that I am, I decide to read it, see how hard and complex it is, and freak out more.

I called my sister who works here in the city and she took me to dinner at an excellent chinese restaurant. We talked and talked and talked....she made me feel better. This time she was a little easier on me. She told me "if you like guys, whats the big deal!? You didnt choose this. Its the WAY YOU ARE.... I dont see what the problem is. I just dont want you to feel miserable and never live your life. Do what makes you happy." She was great...she listened more this time. And i'm so glad I have her. Thank heavens for her.

I also talked to another friend of mine. He tries to tell me to empower myself, that I should stop making excuses to not make a decision about my life. I can't be stagnant forever. Poor guy, he gives great advice, yet I have to argue with him every time he gives me a logical course of action, or logical reasoning for the way I act. I suppose if I'm not going to make a decision anytime soon, I shouldnt waste my time being miserable about something that I am 'undecided' on...and moreover I have the power to control how I react to the things that happen to me in life. But apparently I externalize everything.... blah! I dont like trying to retrain my brain to think in different ways. Especially when they are difficult and force me to change. Its called learned helplessness.... we become helpless because it works for us in a twisted sort of way-- I am depressed and anxious partially because it gives me a reason to not do anything with my life. An excuse to rot.

I should try not to rot anymore.