I'm Ok, and In Search of a Prince

Well I thought I'd update this thing to see if anyone still checks up once in a while! Probably not because I am so inactive with it. In reality I guess I could use thing thing as more than a gay-mormon-in-struggle journal....

The thing is, I dont know how much I'm struggling with it these days. And I am not sure how Mormon I really consider myself. I feel a lot better about it all. The depression has, for now, lifted, and I wake up normal. I am not elated all day long. I am not depressed all day long. I am normal, I'm happy when I should be, and sad when I should be.

Having been through what I have, I really am so much more appreciative of the GOOD times. I used to long for times when I'd just feel 'ok'. And here I am. I am okay. I am OK! Which in reality is more than ok. Once you've felt morbidly (clinically) depressed for months and months on end- and then you switch back to feeling normal, the difference is simply huge. And now I can appreciate normalcy. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.

I am not sure why or how I have made this transition. I guess a combination of logic, time, and a little faith that God is better than what I was taught. That he loves me for me, and that it is indeed okay for me to live the way he made me. My life does not have to be one of misery and loneliness in order for me to avoid eternal damnation..... in fact, I dont think I have to suffer and play by someone elses rules in order to be happy. Sadly I've found that I'm most sad when I do that. I guess its time to try out another approach to life- which is called being as moral and upstanding as I can be, in all areas of life.

Over the past months I've gotten a job and have started the application process for graduate schools. I'll continue my original course of study- in Psychology, Counseling or Clinical Psychology...or social work (whew, 11 different programs in the works for me!).

As far as boys go... I've yet to find any to kiss just yet. One is interested in me, but I'm not sure if i'm interested in him- even though he is a great guy and hilarious. Attractive too. But you know...sometimes the chemistry just isnt there! So strange. I never had this problem with girls... I love girls. ;) When I kiss prince I'll let you guys know. Soon.

Its been a while...

Where have I been this past month and a half!?

Well, I've been doing a lot better lately. I've made a fair amount of progress in this whole thing. I'm not sure what I attribute it to... but it has just sort of happened.

I am not sure what I do and dont believe. But I am over feeling like Mormons are the only true church... In fact I always felt that whole sentiment was somewhat nonsensical. (ever since I was small...) But now if I apply that to my life, I can feel more comfortable with going forward, and not being afraid of being and living as a gay man.

I am less afraid. I am more confident. I don't really think its some horrible thing anymore. It is what it is. Why should I live my life in constant fear of going to hell? Why should I buy into the argument that this is some temporary thing, and that in the afterlife i'll be 'perfected' and become straight? That doesnt make sense to me, at all. Moreover, I simply dont agree with that idea. Gay is gay. Straight is straight. Heaven is heaven. If there is one thing I strongly believe in, its diversity. People, life, the afterlife, should NOT be all the same. We should be different. And I find beauty in our differences. I believe and hope that God finds beauty in our differences and creates diversity so we can find beauty, happiness and life in it. That includes gay people. I'd die another death (after I die the first time...haha) of boredom if "heaven" is the way its described in Mormon doctrines. I want the peace and happiness that they describe. But who says they have a copyright to that?

My views on life, on afterlife are much more open, much more fluid and less set in the words of books and prophets of old. These, to me, are mostly good examples of what people should strive to be. But I dont think that only one set of people have it 100% right. But look at Gandhi, look at, Mother Teresa, look at Princess Diana... Gandhi for one did not practice western religion. Do I believe that he will choose mormonism in the afterlife, or that he should have to? No, I do not believe that. I see truth and beauty in all people, as they were, as they are, and as they will always be.

Maybe I am trying too hard to be optimistic. Perhaps the church is right. But I dont think they are, and I hope they're not. And by gosh, I am gonna try to make my life work and make me happy, no matter what anyone says. There is no guarantee, no matter what experiences we believe we have, that we wont die and that will be it. We have to try our hardest to make the most of our lives, be good people, and leave behind us a good history of how we treat each other. That's what I know, and that's what I believe matters.

Relax

Okay, so I was freaking out just a TAD in the last post. I was literally having a meltdown. Its been a few hours since then...and I am feeling better. Sane, at least. I use this blog as a catharsis sometimes. I was very very angry, and I just had to get it out of my head somehow. As you can see...it didnt make much sense...and it was just a stream of consciousness style. Anyway. Hopefully I will not have to write one of those for a very long time.

Enough is Enough...

I don't even know where to start. I am just all over the place today. I am so tired. I think thats a running theme in my life. I am tired. I'm sick and tired, and fed up and frustrated and pissed off at life. I was fine this morning, until I read an article that sent me over the edge....I mean, really, I just lost it. I dont even remember where I found it. It was linked off of Elbow's blog......

I don't get it. I just dont. And I really want to- and I think I have the right to know why the fuck this all happens the way it does. You know, very few people have to go through this. Gay. Mormon. A million other adversities. Jobless. Depressed. And then people talk about fucking eternal rewards if you do or dont do this and that. And how damn ridiculous is that. I am so mad. I hate everything. I am so filled with anger that I cant even breathe, I gasp for air because I literally forget to breathe, I am probably in panic mode.

I am so sick and tired of this bull. And Jesus and church is supposed to take it all away. All the pain and suffering. Right. I am supposed to go to a church that I have hated going to my whole life. And yet people seem perfectly content to go on and on about how it fills them up with joy and happiness, yet not once have I truly felt that peace. Am I just doomed to feel this way for my entire life? Caught between fearing fucking going to hell, or going to church and being completely miserable IN HOPES that its true and that I'll get some reward out of it. And I am supposed to give up my life to the Lord? Okay- why? What will I learn then? I dont understand how being SO obedient teaches anyone anything except how to place themselves in a tiny box. I'm sorry, I dont want to believe that Man and Woman are the only way it goes. If it wasnt supposed to be Man and MAN, well hell, I shouldnt have been made that way. I dont want to believe that all those people out there are going to die and be miserable because they are 'sinners'. Screw that. Screw it all. What the hell did I do to deserve this? And what the hell am I supposed to do with it? It makes NO sense. At all. It doesnt. I mean really. I dont even want one wife. And in 'heaven' i'm supposed to have several- that is if I followed all the rules to a T. And what the hell is that? Women are worth less than one man. And thats supposed to be okay with me? And how does that work? And gay people are tested for their obedience. And half of them try so hard only to fail. And the others go on and on about how trying it is- maybe it just makes them feel better to fit in, so they expound about how there is only one way to live your life.

Honestly, if this is the true church, I'll die. I will die and be so angry. I will have lived for no reason, in mormon terms. I wont ever have kids of my own. And thats all that really matters. Getting married. Having your stupid kids. Being a perfect family with your white fence, and white house with blue shutters so that you can just be so perfect and just one day be translated into heaven. I cannot believe that these rules could be true. Because these are not words and rules from someone who loves his children. They are rules from a twisted being that is vindcitive and seemingly hateful, spiteful, fickle and petty. Everyone talks about his love, but if he loved me he wouldnt have screwed me up. And he wouldnt let all those kids in Africa starve. And he wouldnt force everyone to be the same. And thats not what God is supposed to be. And yet somehow I still believe that he is that way, and that the Mormons are probably right. I am afraid that they are. And I hate the belief system so much. Why cant God be unconditionally loving- whether you are a sinner or a saint. Why all the same. Why why why. What good is life if I cannot live. What good is life if we're all the same.

Maybe I am brainwashed, screwed up and tricked. If the rules were meant to be followed, then Satans plan was better. All of us wouldnt have to worry. We learn nothing anyways by just being sheep... our choice is to not have a choice...we are to obey. Well I freaking obeyed and where the hell did it get me? And how do I fit in? And why was I never happy.

I am just done. I am so done with this whole debate. Its so beyond insufferable. Its so beyond me, Its beyond my scope of life. Im sick of being miserable and hiding it. I'm tired of wishing to be dead so that it doesnt matter and so that its over. I'm tired of not caring. I am tired of caring so much. Yes I am depressed and yes I need to see a therapist, but what the hell kind of good will it do for me? They'll tell me to live my life honestly. Great. It doenst matter when someone hangs a bible over your head. Then all logic flies out the window.

I am so sorry if this has offended anyone. I just cannot handle it anymore. Life is ridiculous.

Tired.

I dont remember the last time I felt awake and really good during the day. I always feel tired. Last night I had a great night out...and I wasnt tired when I was dancing my butt off during the night. Maybe i'm just unfit. I am very thin...but that doesnt mean I am in good shape. Maybe I'm just sad all the time and I just dont feel it anymore like I used to. Maybe its a mix of the two.

I'm tired of feeling tired. I keep on saying that. I enjoy so many things, but i feel like so often there is a small cloud over my head, even though I laugh. I always feel like I am dragging my feet just a little. Maybe I have bad sleeping habits. I stay up late and wake up late. I eat well though. I do things. Maybe I am just tired now (I had a busy day) and I am making this out to be worse than it actually is. I dont know! Ack.

I bought these nice Nike shoes to motivate me to exercise...haha... I guess i'll try to use them....and see how that works. Elliptical machine, treadmill, weights, sit ups.... here I come.

A Poem

I cried for my life,
Which looks so good,
Yet feels so terrible.

How can it be,
That I am made of such black and white,
When I see a world of grey around me.


I cried for the children I may never have,
For the 'normalcy' that is a fictional ideal,
That I prescribe to,
That I yearn for.

I cried the tears of all others,
Who cannot run away,
from the life they wish so badly to flee.

I cried because I am tired,
And for all the smiles that I have let slip through
The cracks of my depression.

I cower because,
I fear the darkness ahead of me.

And then I laughed.
I laughed because,
How could the world be this fickle?
I laughed because I believe there is no justice,
And because I believe that it is funny,
That we should stop living,
Stop breathing,
Stop seeing.
When we can just be,
With the good and the bad,
The cold and hot,
The black and white.

And I laughed because it is funny.

The 99 Names of God

In Islam, they have a tradition of learning and knowing the 99 names of God that are in the Quran. I think it is a beautiful tradition, and I think the names and the meanings of the names are beautiful as well.

The 99 Names of God according to the tradition of Islam are:

Allah (الله) God
Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All Beneficent
Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The Most Merciful
Al-Malik (الملك) The King, The Sovereign
Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Most Holy
As-Salam (السلام) Peace and Blessing
Al-Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor
Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian, the Preserver
Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Almighty, the Self Sufficient
Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Powerful, the Irresistible
Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Tremendous
Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
Al-Bari' (البارئ) The Maker
Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Fashioner of Forms
Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Ever Forgiving
Al-Qahhar (القهار) The All Compelling Subduer
Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Bestower
Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Ever Providing
Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener, the Victory Giver
Al-Alim (العليم) The All Knowing, the Omniscient
Al-Qabid (القابض) The Restrainer, the Straightener
Al-Basit (الباسط) The Expander, the Munificent
Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
Al-Mu'izz (المعز) The Giver of Honor
Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Giver of Dishonor
As-Sami (السميع) The All Hearing
Al-Basir (البصير) The All Seeing
Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge, the Arbitrator
Al-Adl (العدل) The Utterly Just
Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtly Kind
Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All Aware
Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing, the Indulgent
Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent, the Infinite
Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The All Forgiving
Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Grateful
Al-Ali (العلى) The Sublimely Exalted
Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Great
Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Reckoner
Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Majestic
Al-Karim (الكريم) The Bountiful, the Generous
Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful
Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responsive, the Answerer
Al-Wasi (الواسع) The Vast, the All Encompassing
Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Wise
Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving, the Kind One
Al-Majid (المجيد) The All Glorious
Al-Ba'ith (الباعث) The Raiser of the Dead
Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth, the Real
Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee, the Dependable
Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Strong
Al-Matin (المتين) The Firm, the Steadfast
Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Protecting Friend, Patron, and Helper
Al-Hamid (الحميد) The All Praiseworthy
Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Accounter, the Numberer of All
Al-Mubdi' (المبدئ) The Producer, Originator, and Initiator of all
Al-Mu'id (المعيد) The Reinstater Who Brings Back All
Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer
Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living
Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All
Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Perceiver, the Finder, the Unfailing
Al-Majid (الماجد) The Illustrious, the Magnificent
Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, the Indivisible
As-Samad (الصمد) The Self Sufficient, the Impregnable, the Eternally Besought of All, the Everlasting
Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Able
Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The All Determiner, the Dominant
Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter, He who brings forward
Al-Mu'akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer, He who puts far away
Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest; the All Victorious
Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden; the All Encompassing
Al-Wali (الوالي) The Patron
Al-Muta'al (المتعالي) The Self Exalted
Al-Barr (البر) The Most Kind and Righteous
At-Tawwab (التواب) The Ever Returning, Ever Relenting
Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
Al-'Afuww (العفو) The Pardoner, the Effacer of Sins
Al-Ra'uf (الرؤوف) The Compassionate, the All Pitying
Malik al Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All Sovereignty
Dhu al Jalal wa al Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable, the Requiter
Al-Jami' (الجامع) The Gatherer, the Unifier
Al-Ghani (الغنى) The All Rich, the Independent
Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher, the Emancipator
Al-Mani'(المانع) The Withholder, the Shielder, the Defender
Ad-Darr (الضار) The Distressor, the Harmer (This attribute can only be found in hadith)
An-Nafi' (النافع) The Propitious, the Benefactor
An-Nur (النور) The Light
Al-Hadi (الهادئ) The Guide
Al-Badi (البديع) Incomparable, the Originator
Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Ever Enduring and Immutable
Al-Warith (الوارث) The Heir, the Inheritor of All
Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Guide, Infallible Teacher, and Knower
As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient, the Timeless


Of all of those, there are only two that really make God look punishing and scary. Al-Mumit (المميت) The Bringer of Death, the Destroyer, and Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger. Two out of 99 ain't bad. I think that the fact that the other 97 show power, intelligence, generosity and mercy is more of an indication of God's nature than anything else. One other thing, I am concerned that many uninformed people believe that "Allah" is Islam's God, and that its not the same as the other "Gods" from Christianity and Judaism. They are the same- its just that in Islam they use the Arabic name.

Now what?

I was away for three weeks...on vacation. I visited three countries, two in Europe and one in the Middle East. I went with my family, and we really had a great time.... I could tell more, but unfortunately I cant give a lot more info than that.......well, here's a couple of pictures that I took of some of the places I went:







Ok, so I went to London and Paris....obviously. lol.... the other place is still a secret :)

Anyway. I am back, and now my life is at this huge crossroads- I have to figure out what I want to do careerwise, jobwise, schoolwise, sexuality/ coming-out wise.... And I am very afraid that it's going to be too much to handle all at once. Its going to be a very interesting few months /year.... I sort of want to run away, go somewhere far away...do something different. Go perfect my spanish. Go learn portuguese....go bungee jumping. I dont know! Something! I have so many goals, desires...I am just not sure which way to go. I guess I'll just have to sample until I get it right.

Instead I have to sit down and have a serious chat with my dad about my future...he is sort of against some of the Ideas that I have, but in the end I think he would help me out / support me. I feel bad because I dont have much of a relationship with him. His work requires him to be away a lot, and so I grew up with him in and out a lot. It never phased me, I never really miss him when he's gone. And I realize that's kind of sad. Most (many) people would miss their dad's if they were gone for weeks at a time on business...but he comes and goes, and it has never bothered me. Its been that way my whole life. I want to ask him why we never talk. But in reality, its half habit, and half the plain fact that I feel so estranged from him. I dont feel like I have much in common with him, though I probably have more than I think.

As far as church goes... blah. I dont really miss it there. I just worry that one day I'll go to hell or something....but I dont even know if I believe in hell. The jews dont, why should I? lol. Not sure what I believe, anymore, but thats fine. I'm sort of interested in exploring many religions...because I believe truth can be found in all of them, not just one. I forget where I learned this from, but in some book, some religion, there is praise of 'the middle path' wherein one reaches happiness not by excessive greed or possessions, nor by excessive sacrifice or squalor. That is to say, moderation is the key (or one of them) to happiness. And I like that, and I believe that. I always feel like writing a book that is called "Why God is a Moderate" because, I hope that he is. If he is psychotic/ Bi-polar (all loving one minute, all terrible the next) like all the religions seem to indicate, I am not in good shape.... then again the first line in the Quran is: Bismillah al-rahman al-raheem- "In the name of God, the Benevolent, the Merciful." I think that might be a good indication to god's nature

As far as dating goes, I am still single. But thats fine, I have one boy after me- though I dont think I really like him like that. lol. Half of me wants to date him so I can just kiss a guy for the first time...get it out of the way or something. haha. But, I am not sure- I dont want to date him and lead him on. Then again, I dont know him well enough to know if I really like him that much. He seems slightly arrogant... but maybe its just confidence? I dont really mind singledom at all, which sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of the gay thing if I dont mind being single anyways. Perhaps with age i'll more strongly desire companionship and all of that nonsense. lol. I am uber-independent, so much so that it could be a problem in future relationships. I dont mind spending lots of time alone, I love spending time with my friends...but I feel it would get annoying to constantly be with 'one' person. Thats why I'll have to find someone who is very independent as well. At least i'm not co-dependent....yuck.

So thats an update. I'll keep my massive audience posted (haha) on my life's events.

Other Side of The World

Here are the lyrics to a song that I really like, by KT Tunstall.... nice words.

"Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away"

Marriage of Convenience

I found this article about Gay / Lesbian Muslims who decide to get married simply because of familial and societal pressure to conform. Actually, they specifically look for spouses of the opposite sex that are also gay / lesbian. This way no one would be left out in the cold in terms of sexual satisfaction- since neither would want to sleep with the other.... the point would be to remain friends.

I find this concept interesting yet troubling. Islam shares the same views on homosexuality that Mormonism does; basically that the orientation is not wrong, but the actions thereafter are.

I can empathize so much with these people. They are stuck. They receive so much pressure from the family to get married and start their own families. Many believe they cannot be with a person of the same sex, so like many gay Mormons, they feel they can choose either celibacy or marriage. The parallels seem endless. The only upside (I feel) with islam is that they do not have an organized, hieracrchical religion that can 'excommunicate' or otherwise punish you for your actions. They believe that whatever you do is between you and God and that's that. I like that. Personally, I've never liked feeling like PEOPLE should be judging you...

Anyway. I of couse have thought about marriage, in some form. To a friend. But it would be very hard. The article mentions that most people dont know what they would be getting into given such a situation. What if one of the partners falls for someone of the same sex, etc. It seems like it would be a sticky and difficult situation. I have often felt like I dont have any good options, IF (big if) these religions are right about homosexuality being a sin. I can live a life of celibacy or I could get married and try to raise a family. Neither seems like a good option. On the other hand, it would be difficult to try and find a partner and live with him, even if the relationship were good. Many gay people that I know really have accepted it, and it really doesnt bother them. They are happy, functioning people, with no more hang ups than anyone else I know. It's probably a product of not having a very strict upbringing that they do not experience such cognitive conflict. I just wish I could have that for a day.

At the end of the day, it seems that living an honest life might really be the way to go. Worst case, I help my brothers and sisters take care of their kids in the future.........

Travels

I said I'd be back with details on my trip to the west coast. It was so much fun! I toured the city that I went to, and saw all of the many beautiful sites that are there to see. I did a lot of biking, walking and a little shopping. Small amounts of shopping is very UNlike me ;) I was able to secure free hotel because I stayed there while my sister's company paid for the room b/c she was there on business. Killed two birds with one stone! (however, the hotel was nothing special, and the location was in a less than savory neighborhood).

I have to say that the weather was absolutely beautiful for the time I was there. It was sunny every day, with a nice breeze. I got to meet a fellow gay mormon, and spent much of the day and evening with him before I flew home. It was great to meet someone who can identify with so much of what I feel from day to day. Plus, he was a very cool guy in general- I must say at first I was nervous to meet him, but that faded just a few minutes after meeting him. I felt very comfortable the rest of the time and we got along really well.

We shopped (my specialty- thought only he bought things) and got food (another specialty) with a couple of his friends. They turned out to be very nice guys as well; and it was crazy that I got along with the three of them as well as I did, and felt as comfortable as I did- considering I met all of them the day of. There wasnt much time for too much small-talk. Random, but cool.

All in all, it was a great way to round out my first trip to the sunny west coast. It was a blast, and I will be sure to return there sometime soon in the future.

Summer Travels... etc.

Its been a while since I've posted. Two weeks to be exact. In the meantime, I've gone to the west coast and back. Had a great time! More on that later...

I'll be traveling a lot this summer. Again this week for several days, and then I'll be away for most of July for my annual summer trip abroad.... I am excited!! I just want to update people on the state of my blogging.... I havent stopped... just slowed down. It IS summer break for me, after all :)

So in the mean time I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I am definitely going to do Grad school somewhere, but I dont know where, and I dont know in what. Law school, counseling, psychology, human resources, public health, Medicine? Physicians Assistant?.... there are wayy too many options. I will be cocky and say that I know I COULD do any of them if I really wanted. But I dont know what to choose.... any lawyers here? Counselors/ Psychologists?

The options are endless and its killing me!

This is not my life...

I wish I didnt care about all of this sexuality vs. religion bullshit. Pardon my french. What's sad to me is that the vast vast majority of people dont question it like I do. They dont have to. And why would they? They're straight...they like to get it on with people of the opposite sex... they can empathize but at the end of they day they're still straight, they still are 'normal', its just not an issue. It makes me jealous, it makes me want to jump into someone elses body and assume another persona. I wish I could just be me, without having to question it.

And then there are all these gay mormon bloggers who are married, with kids, still active in the church-who say they are happy- just what I need to boost my self-esteem a little more. So, in my quest to be comfortable with my own sexuality, I find gay people who are supposedly comfortable with theirs....yet they live like straight people. Somehow that bothers me. My apologies to all of you.

I am simply tired of living in fear. I am tired of believing that God would create me gay and that its my cross to bear for my entire life. If thats the case then I hope my demise comes soon. What bullshit. It makes me angry to be told that I can love no one. I would have to force myself to be single forever or to be with a woman... It makes me feel guilty that I cannot measure up to these people who have supposedly "gotten over" "SSA." Like its a damn disease. It makes me feel like a quitter and like someone who isnt "enduring to the end." I love that line, its perfect for perpetuating self-inflicted torture. Or wait, is it really better to spend your life a depressed and broken person if it means you wait out your days alone and waiting to die free of homosexual acts on your record? If you 'quit' then you aren't 'enduring to the end' and therefore you suck at life and will be punished forever and ever. It's really a great line.

You know what, yesterday I went to a gay bar with a couple of gay friends. We had a great time, just chatting. They had a couple of drinks, and I had my water. I got looked at, but it was fine. I felt comfortable. It was a great time overall. Forgive me if its asking too much to meet other guys. To want to feel both an emotional AND a physical connection with them. Yeah, and if I found the right one I'd want to be with him for life, and I'd want to do things that everyone does in their bedrooms with him. Sorry if thats asking entirely too much. Its not enough that society cant deal with homosexuals, but neither can God. Lovely.

Yet I am told that this is all some test. Its just a challenge... For some odd and silly reason I continue believe them. Mostly out of ingrained fear. For some reason I feel like if the Prophet was so prophetic maybe he would get some sort of "impression" of what gay people such as myself go through. Fact is, he hasn't got a clue. I mean, I really dont think he has an inkling. And I doubt he cares because to him it probably seems so simple. Obviously its not high on the agenda because gay people get zero guidance from the church except for "dont have relations with people of the same sex." Fabulous.

And what about all the doctrinal and odd inconsistencies that crop up when you google the word "Mormonism"? I had many raised eyebrow moments upon doing research that is not pro-mormon. I had previously looked at scriptures. I had read talks from church leaders. None of it made me feel any better. Am I selfish for not just 'accepting' it and moving on? Perhaps.

But remember that God, in Mormon theory, has a wife or wives, from whom we come. And he lived before. And he must have loved her. Yet he allows me to be robbed of that one privilege that so many people have? Not only that, it is FORBIDDEN to someone such as myself who is attracted to someone of the same sex. What kind of love is that? And how about if I never get married to a Mormon I will never even have the chance to make it to the highest level of Mormon heaven and progress and all of that....remember how the church no longer encourages the gay members to get married? Oops, now we're barred from our full potential!

Consider this rather comparable analogy/quote:

"If you suffer your people to be ill educated and their manners corrupted from infancy, then punish them for the crimes that their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded but that you first make theives and then punish them?"

In this case the ill-educated/ corrupted people are the gays, who are that way because it was Gods will. Now apply the rest of the quote to them. And I'll let you all stew on that one, like I am.

My many apologies for this rather angry, sarcastic and upset post. I've actually been doing very well these past few weeks until just now. But I feel much better after venting. This blog is very much a venting tool.....

To Hawaii Dave ;) ......I know I should see a therapist... And I will, at some point... I've even written down the names and numbers of ones that look like a good match for me. I cant go just yet. Until then I will let my sometimes angry emotions spill out onto my blog.

Psycho....

Remember my posts a while back about a friend of mine who I was having serious friendship issues with and who I was debating on telling her if I was gay because I thought it would hurt her too much?

Well. She knows. She sent me an e-mail after we graduated saying that she thinks its true that I have feelings for men. After spending a night in convulsions (shaking violently) from shock- after I read her e-mail, I knew I had to simply tell her. I tried to keep it short, to the point and on topic. My letter was 2 pages long.

She replied with a six page single spaced letter which I feel was more or less a guilt trip about how it was a mistake for me not to tell her about my sexuality. I never let her in, she couldnt be around or else I wouldnt be myself. OBVIOUSLY I CANT BE MYSELF WHEN SHE TELLS ME SHE 'LOVES' ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. AND IT NEVER SEEMED LIKE A FRIEND-LOVE. It ALWAYS felt like more than that. And it freaked me out. Who would feel comfortable around that all the time if they didnt have the same feelings? I hated hanging around her because I felt like her boyfriend, and inside it felt so wrong and twisted and messed up. She beamed when I was around and I did my best to smile and act happy.

I've been stewing over this letter. She wants back in my life, but honestly letting her back in -given a LONG LONG and dramatic history- is not really what I want to do. I could be friends with big limits. I dont know how I can open up to her again after I tried for over a year to make her open up to me- and she didnt. After that, I built up my own wall. Why should it come down? Because we were best friends 2 1/2 years ago? I feel like thats over and past, and she will not change, even though she said she didnt care I am gay etc. I feel like I need to run.... I just cant handle the drama, the need for attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to break her heart again. But sometimes I feel like I just want out. I wish I were more selfish and that I didnt care as much as I do... that way I would have gotten out long ago. How do you know when to draw the line and say enough is enough?

Graduation

Today I graduated from college. The ceremony itself was nice, somewhat memorable which was good. I sat next to two good friends- S.M. & J.C. who I took many classes with over my years in college. Having my name called was such a blur. I remember a flash of light from the photographer, handing my name-card to the lady announcing the names, shaking a couple of peoples' hands, and receiving a nice pen. My family being as impatient as they are left the building right after they called my name. Maybe thats because all my other older siblings have done this before. Nothing too new.... haha.

4 years....gone by in a relative blink. Sometimes I think that its been a long time- sometimes it feels long. But it does feel like yesterday that I was just a puny freshman moving into my dorm. I've made amazing friends-plenty of them- and they are all great amazing people. I've had so much fun with them over the past few years. I am sort of lost without the idea that I will return back to my school in the fall. You sort of come into routines and start thinking you will go back every year. Unfortunately thats not the case for me. Time for some changes, new school apps, new decisions.

I've learned a lot in college. About psychology, journalism, art, and most of all, I've learned a lot about myself and of life. Yet the learning never ends. My grandma told me that this is just the beginning- there is so much more to learn. And I know she is right. I've been very blessed to have been able to learn all the things I've learned.

I've dealt with some big issues in life, and I continue (obviously) to deal with such issues...friends, family, school, jobs, sexuality. The illusion that I have of others is that since most others dont struggle with sexuality, they dont struggle at all. Or at least all of the struggles they do face are somewhat normal in relation to religion and society. But I know that's an illusion that I have- my way of telling myself that my problems are harder and worse than everyone elses. Perhaps thats a bad way to go about life; but sometimes it just tends to go that way.

Today during a dinner party celebration for my graduation, I took a small break from the crown and came here to my room to just breathe. I wound up crying a bit, thinking about the uncertainty, the confusion, and the sadness yet happiness of this milestone in my life. It should be a happy day, but its hard to be happy with so much swirling around in my head. I got several very nice gifts. From my relatives and I am very thankful for them. My mom wrote a little song & all of them performed it to Abba's 'waterloo' and danced around in our family room. That was great.

College, I am pretty speechless. It was a blur. Very blurry. But I know the good outweighed the bad by far. And thats what matters. I'll rememeber all of the late nights, the dancing, the laughing, the crying. The ungodly amounts of reading and studying. The papers, the roommates, the messes, the drama and the city. I'll cherish it all, because it was great. I'd make a few changes if I could do things over again, but nothing drastic just a thing here and there. So here I am, 4 years later, a graduate. You spend four years trying to pursue knowledge and truth. I am afraid to admit that I have not found 100 percent of either. No one has though. ;) Also note my imperfect use of commas.... I am too tired to care to use them :)

Wee! I Graduated :)

Epiphany...sort of.

Its been a little while since I last posted. I guess nothing eventful has really happened in the past week. I feel the usual mix of angst. However, as it was the last full weekend I had in college, me and my friends made the best of it and we've gone out two nights in a row. I stayed out late, and danced the night away at two clubs.

And it hit me, while I was dancing like a maniac with my best friends right in front of me, sweat dripping down my face, with some fantastic house music pulsating through the air... that I need to savor these small moments in life. They are small, they last just a few short minutes. But in these moments a small miracle happens. My worries go away, my fears dont exist. All that exists is me and my friends, my sweat and the music. I smile a real smile and its perfect, everything is fine, nothing else matters. I am okay- something I dont feel enough. I used to be unable to detach myself from the negative feelings that I always feel. But now I was able to forget them. I was able to live in the moment, even if it was for 3 minutes. And it felt great.

Obviously I am not the type to just forget about the future- I dont know if I'll ever be able to feel secure about my future- at least in the relatively near future. Right now I am worrying about many, many things- as usual. But I wont go into that. I'll leave on a more positive note, which is simply that for once- I felt great.

Gay Party

Well.... my friend came back from italy, and his BF had a big party for him (although he told me he barely knew most of the people who were there...maybe more of an excuse to drink on Cinco De Mayo...lol). So I was invited to this party- fulllll of gay guys. there were tons, a few dozen in a small apartment; which made things nice and ...cozy. haha.

On the way there I was sooo nervous, not only to see my friend, but to be in an evironment where its more or less assumed that any guy there is gay. I had interesting fears/expectations; like that I would have my ass grabbed by drunk gay men, or that I'd get hit on and that I wouldnt know how to react or talk to anyone. Its stereotypical things like that, which I shouldnt have worried about, but I guess you cant help it when youre very new to the 'scene'. None of those things happened, as I found myself staying away from the main crowd, and its hard to socialize with tons of people who you've never met- all while not drinking. lol. Lots of cute guys though. I shouldnt have been so nervous, because under any other circumstance or situation I am very social, pretty outgoing and friendly. But this time I just retracted a bit. I guess nerves will do that to you.

Overall it was great to see my friend, I found that I really missed him a lot while he was away, and it will be great to hang out with him over the summer. I didnt 'meet' anyone- I think I was sending out 'dont touch' signals... I guess it takes time just to get comfortable in your own skin and not worry if someone might be attracted to you or vice versa what you will do. I felt comfortable but uncomfortable. Hard to explain, I guess??

A lot of guys talk about how they felt so comfortable the first times they hung out with gay guys etc. I cant say I share the same feelings- I felt nervous and I was so spastic. lol... shaking like a leaf sometimes.... oh well. You live and learn. No regrets today.

Yin and Yang

Today I finished my last exam, my last day of college. I am supposed to be happy, right? Relieved? lol. I feel anything but those things. Let me be very straightforward, very sarcastic: consider most of the following post a catharsis.

So yay..... I've finished four years of education...and what do I have to show for it? A degree in a major that I love but that will never get me a job. I have a lot of good friends, who I will miss. I have had majorly fun experiences. Laughing all night, clubbing, Saki, 1223, Home, Dream. I've had bad experiences- tears, worry and strain. I kinda figured out/ learned/ admitted that I'm gay. I've learned a good amount, but maybe its never enough. We never stop learning.

I've made my parents spend over $100,000 on an education. I drive a car worth over $40,000 dollars. I wear nice clothes, I can eat anything I want. (I am spoiled- but not snobby...) I'm relatively healthy. I have all of my limbs where they are supposed to be. My brain works (except in the neurotransmitter department).

I have everything and more, and its not enough. Am I really missing "love"? Or is that just some B.S. that I am telling myself that I need. I used to tell myself that I needed only me. I put up my walls and they worked fine. They worked perfectly. They kept the people out who needed to be kept out. The rest- friends, came in and there were no problems. I've opened myself to what? Stupid stupid things. Is it worth it to open myself like this? What the hell for? I dont need anyone but me.

Am I just trapped without any good option, so should I just cut my losses and take the lesser of the evils. And if so, which one is that? Why does it even matter that I'm gay. Who cares. Why should I care? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? I've gone this long. lets say 1/4th of my life, assuming i am lucky to live to 80.... whats the other 75% alone. lol. soon enough i'll be at 50% and then 75%....then my time will be up. I feel I want a distraction. Law school.... why not? At this point I am too tired to care. Who cares.


Who cares. Congrats. I'm graduating. Who cares.

The Future.

I have been SO busy with school work over the past weeks...this trend will continue for the next week. And then a couple of weeks after that, I will graduate from college...

...and then. My life will be at a place where I just dont know. And I am afraid, and I am worried, and I don't want to make the wrong decision... i have about 10 career paths in mind and in my head and I cant seem to make up my mind. For once in my life I dont have a plan. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been too tired, too anxious and afraid to make a decision. I would be good at almost anything I set my mind to... so why am I so afraid? I may or may not come out to my parents in the relatively near future. I may or may not apply to law school. I may or may not find a guy to date this summer. I may or may not apply to graduate school in psychology. I may or may not get a job this year.

What do I do
When I dont know
What I want to do?
I've forgotten
What I want
And I dont remember
What or who
I am anymore.

Still Here...

I shouldnt be writing this, as I have entirely too much to do. But I've been wondering as usual what the future holds for me.... I went to church on easter, breaking a 3 1/2 month 'sabatticle' from church. Maybe I have become, bitter, indignant, jaded. But going there didn't make me feel very wonderful- in fact all I wanted to do was leave. I wish I could go to church where I don't feel hated or where I dont feel like I want to change the whole belief system... I was even more upset on the inside because I made my mom so happy by going. I picked up one of my grandmothers (who isnt mormon) and she came along too. My mom was glowing about this all day. Sadly I just sat there and tried to smile for her, but not too much. I guess she doesn't know that walking into church is like being thrown into a bath of ice water. I just want to get out, I can't breathe, I cant listen, I cant talk, I feel uncomfortable. Whats more upsetting is how I feel when I get up to leave and so many people (church ladies- usually mothers of some of my peers) come up to me and ask me how I am, what I am up to these days. Many of them do genuinely care, and they probably like me because I am not like the other guys who are just...guys. I can talk with them, understand them, I am so 'sweet and sensitive' they tell my mom. Don't they get it??? I'm gay! lol. I feel sad because I wonder how they might change if they learned that very piece of information about me. I dont mind seeing them, because as people I like them much more than the men at church. I try to avoid the men, because it is with them that I associate almost everything negative. I have yet to meet one that I fully trust... So... thats my story with church. I still don't know what to do....even if I stopped going permanently, I feel the whispers of the doctrines of me being 'damned' in the back of my mind. Maybe I can change my scenery and find something more uplifting....

In other news, the guy who I am friends with / I still like is coming back from abroad at the end of this month. I cant wait to see him. I've got it bad....I can say I have thought about him every single day since he's been gone. Not one day has gone by. I guess thats what its like when you really like someone.... When I 'liked' girls I never got like this. That says something doesnt it? As a friend he is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. I am thankful to have him in my life as that at least, he is very supportive and just a sweet guy. His BF is a lucky guy. Even though many people say I could have him if I really wanted to (evil laugh) I am not like that and I would never break two people up for myself. We're gonna hang out and hopefully this summer I will be more open to new experiences like going out to a gay club for the first time and meeting other gay guys. I am allowed to meet new people, right?

So for now I am still here, vacillating, swinging like a pendulum from its okay to its not okay. I just want it to even out, I want to stop swinging so I can finally step off of the ride and return to my life, whatever that is.

"I choose vodka. And, Chaka Khan."

Okay, so I havent chosen vodka, yet. Although given my situation, it sometimes seems like a nice resort. However, I will not shy away from Chaka Khan. For all of you guys who recognize that line- congrats. You've seen Bridget Jones' Diary, a hilarious movie about a woman who searches for love in all the wrong places, and who goes through some extraordinarily awkward situations. If you havent seen it, I give it my stamp of approval.

Now, what does this have to do with Gay-Mormon blogging? Simply that, while at a personal low, Bridget chose not to give up. No, she chose vodka. And Chaka Khan. Although I choose not to drown my sorrows away with vodka, I have no problem running away from them (as most of you know.) This time I will/have been using fabulous music to help me escape. My escape will surely be short lived, but an escape it will be.

Now since I see we are all stressed gay-mormons, I think all of us could use a little escape. You are free to add a little vodka to the mix, if thats you're fortee. I have nothing against it in fact. lol.

But, for a select few of you Gay Mormons- I will now make a few recommendations on some (rather gay) tunes... to hopefully get some laughs from you all. Laughs arent common enough these days.

Gay Mormon: You need some CHER, "Its in his kiss." I realize you do have someone to kiss.... so kiss him!

Elbow: I think you could use some Britney Spears "Boys"....cant live with them, cant live without them, says Mrs. Spears. The song isnt my favorite of hers...but the words should make you laugh (I like "oops! I did it again" though- a close second for you).

Foxx: How about "Vogue" by Madonna? I think Utah / AZ needs to be shaken up a little bit :)

Doktor2be: The choice here is obvious: Shakira... now what songs... "Hips done lie" is a new good one. If you're looking for more traditional - SPANISH- Shakira, then I'd go with "Escondite Ingles" or "Las de la intuicion" (yeah, I know what its about....but that doesnt make it a bad song!)

Protean: You have been hard at work in school. How about something crazy and fun. "S.O.S." by Rihanna. (I wont lie, its a personal favorite at the moment.)

El Veneno: How about some Gwen Stefani. I dont know of any person who hates her. How could you hate her? She is simply too cool. Provo needs a makeover with "Whatchu' waiting for?"

I hope you all enjoy the songs... or if you hate what I've recommended for you... take 5 minutes out for yourself and relax. Everything will be okay. P.S. I am not as flaming gay as I sound in these posts... lol... I promise. It is fun to be a little flamboyant though sometimes :)

Drama continued...

Last night, I decided to go out with a bunch of friends to a coffee shop in D.C. It was a good time. "N" came along (see previous post)... and she was acting funny, as usual. Momentarily happy, and then moments of sadness and glum as well. Very confusing to see this kind of mood swing take place within minutes, if not seconds.

Our time ended at the coffee shop (No, I did not partake of any coffee... just orange juice and ice cream...) and as I was getting ready to drop people home, she typed a note to me in her cell phone- "Do you think you could drop me off last so we could talk for a little?" My immediate and without hesitation reaction was to nod my head. INSIDE my head, I could only muster a "Noooooo!" Physically, my heart started to beat faster and I felt a little adrenaline pulse through my veins. What on EARTH could she want to talk about?? To my relief, she started to tell me about this other guy- "T" that she had told me about back in september. Mind you, "T" has some UNCANNY similarities to me. He is of the same ethnicity, he drives the exact same car (color and everything), and he is the same religion- "christian". She told me about problems she has had in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship with him...since he is Christian and she is Muslim (this is a big deal for her...), she sort of sees it as pointless to date him because she believes they could never be together. On the other hand, he doesnt see such a problem, and wants to be with her. That is basically her 'problem'.

I gave her advice that I have been giving to myself lately: stop trying to plan your life out so that it is perfect. Let it happen, let it fall into place. Be honest with yourself, be honest with him. There is no point unless you are honest. (I felt somewhat hypocritical because I havent told her about me being gay... however, I feel that I have reasons for not telling her that... I will discuss this more later.)

Now this is odd. Odd, because she has mentioned him once to me since september. I didnt know that he supposedly sent her flowers on valentines day. Also, she had mentioned ANOTHER guy she met while traveling over winter break. It just didnt seem like he was THAT on her mind. Otherwise SOMEONE would have heard something about him, right? I have spoken to several people about all this...and one COMMONLY brought up idea is that she may be making up "T". That is, T is not real. T is a figment of her imagination, used to fix past "mistakes" that she made with me. This is a possibility. No one has met him, seen a picture of him, or even heard his voice on the telephone. He is her phantom, it seems.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to tell her. Because maybe I am the reason why she is making this guy up. But what if he is real? What if WE are the ones who are imagining things? What if she is not as psychotic as EVERYONE thinks? Is that not ALSO possible? I know, she very well may be in 'love' with me, and doing all of this because of these crazy feelings she has for me. But I still dont feel like I am obligated to tell her, because it is a big deal, and because I really dont know how she'd handle it. If she does indeed 'love' me, I feel I dont have the heart to tell her. On the other hand, maybe its worse for her to think that there is SOME chance, however small...

I hope T is real. I hope T is real. I hope T is real.

That is my mantra for the next week.

To tell or not to tell? That is the question.

I have a friend, lets call her N. We have been friends for basically 4 years. The beginning of our friendship was a period where we 'liked' each other (this is before I even fathomed possible homosexual tendencies, so I guess I still thought I liked girls at the time...), but we had several differences and a rather serious outlook on relationships that seemed to eliminate any possibility of just 'dating'. I realize now that I guess I liked her for her personality, but even then I feel like I sort of tricked myself into thinking I liked her. Its all kind of a haze now, I do know I was never sexually attracted to her (no wonder I thought it would be so easy to never break any of the rules regarding sex and whatever...). Basically we decided to be friends, I thought that would be the best thing.

Well what a complex road that set me on. We became best friends and everything was great, until a mutua best-friend, V, got a boyfriend. N got very jealous of V, and I was stuck somewhere in the middle. N and Y sort of stopped being best friends, and V and I maintained our friendship. In fact, it grew stonger. When N saw this, she grew jealous and pulled away from me even when I put in an extraordinary (insane) amount of effort into maintaining our friendship. N never responded to my attempts, and then I decided enough is enough. I drew back. Then she realized she basically lost what she had once had (ALL by her own doing) and she tried to back paddle. Too late...

All of this set off a chain of events that made me see N's true colors, and N claimed to be very innocent all the while, she has been caught in some suspicious acts of trying to see who of the two of them I am closer with, and if I was talking about N behing her back. I have lost much, much of my trust for N.

N claims to be in 'love' with me. 4 years later. She told me this tonight. She told me that over a year ago, in another dramatic instance. But N cannot be in love with me, N does not know there is no chance. I am gay, how can 'my best friend' not see this?? I do not love her like that. In fact, the prolonged drama between her and I has driven me to the point of telling her that I simply cannot be close to her anymore, even as friends. I cant do it, I have been hurt too many times by her.

And I feel that I should tell her so at least she knows a part of why I act the way I do. Maybe she will understand better then. Maybe THEN she will be able to move on. The problem is that N is sort of a fragile person and she cannot handle any bit of information that is bad, regarding me. She is rather conservative and has said some very hateful things about gay people in the time I have known her. I dont want her to go crazy and at the same time to get very upset over the news I have for her. I dont necessarily trust N. I dont know what to do. But I want her to be 'over' me, and I want her to be my FRIEND without looking to the past which is now long gone...I am at a loss as to what to do on this one. I sort of feel like she 'needs' to know. But at the same time her past sneaky behaviors have lost her most of the trust I once had for her. Why should I tell her that? I dont know if she deserves to know, as it is something that I feel is a big deal and that I dont tell to just anyone. There are too many factors and too many thoughts swirling around like a whirlpool in my head.

Help!

P.S.: I was trying to keep this very short...the story is SO long and complicated. How do you roll four years into one blog entry?....

Tears and Sisters

Just now I had a small release. I've been stressed with school, and today is just one of my days where I am worrying about everything related to my sexuality. I was studying and I just crumbled, when I heard a silly song... called 'my sister', by Reba McEntire (I dont even really like country, but I happened to come across that song...). Anyways, the words really moved me... and made me cry a bit, lol, which is something I rarely do. If I am sad it usually turns into anxiety, and I feel wound up and empty all at the same time. I actually LIKE to cry sometimes because its such a good release of negativity. Anyway....

Lyrics

Lol....there is a part that talks about playing barbie dolls and dress up.... lol, which I never really did with them (I have two sisters). But I do remember just silly fun things that we did, and that we still do now. The point of the song is really about feeling gratitude for my sisters. And I realized how much they have been there for me during this whole thing that I am going through. Just the fact that they have been so supportive of me means so much to me and I should be more grateful for that. I wish I could express that enough to them. Soon I will do something extra nice for them. They do deserve it.

Shakira- No Creo (I dont believe)

I just wanted to share another amazing song by Shakira. She has some great lyrics. This is one of her older songs from her third album (came out around 1999). I did my best to translate the lyrics so they make more sense in english, not necesarily to be an exact translation. (Doktor 2 be, I hope my translation skills are up to par!)

Sólo tú sabes bien quien soy Only you know well who I am

Y por eso es tuyo mí corazón And so my heart is yours

Sólo tú doblas mi razón Only you bend my reason

Y por eso a donde tú quieras voy And so wherever you want I'll go

No creo que el mar algún dia I dont believe that the sea,

Pierda el sabor a sal One day will lose its salty flavor

No creo en mi todavía I dont believe in me yet

No creo en el azar I dont believe in fate.

Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile

En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal

En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me

Y en todo lo que digas In everything you say

Si hablo demasiado If I speak too much

No dejes de lado Dont leave my side

Que nadie más te amará así Cause no one will love you like that

Como lo hago yo like I do

No creo en venus ni en marte I dont believe in venus or mars

No creo en carlos marx I dont believe in Karl Marx

No creo en jean paul sartre I dont beleive in Jean Paul Sartre

No creo en brian weiss I dont believe in Brian Weiss

Sólo creo en tu sonrisa azul I only believe in your blue smile

En tu mirada de cristal In your look of crystal

En los besos que me das In the kisses you give me

Y hablen lo que hablen And they say what they say

Ay yo quiero ser tu firmamento I want to be your heaven

De tu boca una canción A song from your mouth

De tus alas siempre ser el viento The wind from your wings,

Tu terrón de sal Your pinch of salt

Un rayo de sol A ray of sunlight

Que a donde digas que tú That goes wherever you say

Quieres que yo vaya voy Wherever you want I'll go

Que eres mi desliz, mi país feliz That you're my happiness, my happy country,

Mi primavera My spring

Mi escalera al cielo si My stairway to heaven

Por eso sigo aquí y camino contigo And so I'll follow here and walk with you

A tí nunca podría decirte que no To you I could never say no....

Unzipped

It appears my period of relief was relatively short lived. I mean, everything I said in my last post is true, I'm still much less confused, but....still confused and sad and angry in other respects. I know I should probably see a therapist, I believe in therapy, but there are complications....like getting money to pay for it from my parents, and trying to avoid their questions regarding that...

But the major issue today and yesterday was my general feelings of anger. The majority of days I am okay now, I dont know if I use "ok" a little too generously here, but alas, its the word I will choose. Anyway, I usually feel okay, or blah enough that I just dont care, or that the general feeling of negativity that I have is not above its baseline threshold. But yesterday I was angry. I drove around in my car, driving way too fast, listening to a good song that goes:

I dont wanna hear,
I dont wanna know,
Please don't say you're sorry,
I've heard it all before,
And I,
Can't take it anymore.

Thats "Sorry" by Madonna. How appropriate....a Madonna song that describes my feelings. I seem unable to get out of this angry place, or the sad place. I am so stuck... but sometimes I am not. Sometimes I have fleeting moments where I feel that I will be okay, and that I have to make it okay. I have the power, I tell myself. Then there are the low moments where I think about guns, knives, or car accidents that would all lead to my demise.

I wonder if God even cares that I feel this way. Or the millions of other people that are in my shoes. So many of them have it worse than I do. I dont understand how this 'organization' that is supposed to represent the church- and more importantly- GOD- can cause me and so many others so much pain. Its mindboggling pain.... how is that okay with God?

My mom asked me to go to church this morning. "Aren't you gonna get up and go to church?" I didnt reply. I just laid in bed, silent. "I guess not," she said as I heard her heels click down the hallway. I am tired of dissappointing her. I wish I could go and be happy there. I wish I could go and feel like I am not being chased by all these people who want me to do this and that and who want to check up on me and make sure I'm not 'slipping' away. I havent gone to church all year long... I am too tired. I am disappointed in myself. I always tell myself, I'll go next week, next week... and I wake up and I am too sad, or too tired to even bother. It's a lot to handle. Isnt it? Or am I just being a baby?

I wish I could just tell my mom. I wish I could tell her and not feel like I'd be bringing her as low as I am now. But my mom is broken. Just like I am broken. Except she has been broken for years. I dont want to pulverize the pieces she is in to dust. And I dont get it. She is such a good woman. The church promises some happiness if you follow...and she follows. And where is her happiness? Maybe its just a BS Promise. I dont know. If I felt like she could handle it, I would tell her more readily. But maybe she can and I am not giving her enough credit for 20 years of depression.

Maybe I am a recovering mormon. Maybe there's no need for me to try to reconcile mormonism and homosexuality. Maybe I should just move on. I am not really sure what I should do. Sometimes I wonder why I am so worried about probably not being a part of a church that has made me sad my entire life. No joke, I can nary remember one happy memory from church. Maybe there are a couple, but nothing earth shattering. On the whole church from the beginning of my life, till now, has been a very disappointing and saddening experience. Maybe I have made it that way. Perhaps I didnt try hard enough. But look at my mom, she spent her whole life making the pursuit of happiness through the church, and it hasn't brought her much happiness either.

I was talking with a friend about me a week or so ago, and I told her how it felt for me to come to all of these realizations. How I felt, how I feel, as my own world came caving in on me: It's like someone has unzipped me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. All of me and everything has spilled outside onto the ground. Much of me has ended up down the drains, past the point of recovery. I will have to replace those parts. I will have to zip myself up again, make myself whole. I'll replace my kidneys, my bowels, my bellybutton must go in its proper place again. I'll reassemble my ribs and my arms and legs. My legs are still a little intact because I am still running. One day I'll have my heart set right where it should be, right in my chest, a little off center, a little to the left side. And when I'm all zipped up again, I will hopefully carry a smile that is real. I will feel again.

A Trip!

After a long absence I am back! I was in FL, at the beach for spring break. It was good, except I got sick (flu) and am still recovering from it. Needless to say it was a great break just to be away from everything for a few days....

One thing I did notice, was that I really wasnt 'confused' anymore when seeing people, in terms of attraction. It felt so much better to just feel attraction to guys and not worry about the rest. Girls were there, plenty of beautiful ones, but I could calmly look at them and see that I was not really interested. Period. It was not some big vacillating decision of 'am I attracted to you or not'? Maybe it helped that there were a HERDS of young guys (my age) from colleges in FL that apparently go to the gym a lot.... all of them had such great bodies. lol.... yummy, is all I have to say. Anyways....it was nice to start feeling that I am more comfortable with it, I feel sort of better that I've stopped fighting it I guess. That doesnt mean I'm gonna go off and start hooking up with tons of people (or anyone) for that matter, but it does make me feel better that I am okay with being gay. It really is an improved state of being.

Current mood: relieved.

Straight Guys.

Well I thought I'd post something funny for a change... I realize some of you may be offended by what will follow, but thats whats so great about the blog. I can say what I want and you can get as mad as you want. And its okay. (Actually its not gonna be offensive, just poking fun.)

Okay. So let me slip into my stereotypical gay shoes (Prada of course). And now let me ask some questions about these creatures that I have come to call straight guys.

1. How many times are you going to say "dude" or "man" in a sentence?
2. Why do you still wear carpenter jeans that they (EVERYONE) stopped selling about 3 or 4 years ago?
3. Does it make you feel more macho to get 'double meat' at Chipotle? (An awesome place where they make these huge burritos...fyi.)
4. Tube socks?
5. Socks and sandals!?!?!
6. Do you go to the gym to work out, or do you simply go to strut around with puffed up muscles in front of all of those girls who are perpetually running on the treadmills and on the elliptical machines?
7. Is it that funny when someone burps, farts or goes to the bathroom?
8. Which is better for you? "Tits" or "Ass"? (I personally go with ass because thats what guys have.)
9. Why is everything that is 'stupid' 'dumb' or 'retarded' also called "gay" "homo" or "fag"? I didnt know all gay people were stupid or mentally challenged.
10. Does it really count when you could have hooked up with her but didnt? (In other words, you're all talk).
11. Why the need to get completely belligerent/ violent when you start to drink?
12. Why are you so dirty? (unclean, messy, etc)
13. How can you NOT love Madonna, Mariah Carey, or Shakira? (haha)
14. Do you really have to talk all quiet when you ask me about self care, like what to wear, how to do your hair etc? Is it a secret that you have to get dressed to go out, and that you want to look good?
15. Your penis is NOT that big. (if it is, got proof?)

lol... okay so some will appreciate those questions, and others won't, even amongst the gay community. I hate to be 'stereotypicall gay', but hey...I am only me- neither uber macho nor a queen. Though regardless of sexuality I have some good points on some of them, I think :-P.... well, anyways. I hope you all got a laugh from one or more of my questions.... if anyone has insightful answers to any of thes inquiries, feel free to let me know.

Cheers.

A Letter.

A couple of nights ago I took some time to write a letter to my mom, about me. I dont know when or if I'll ever send it to her. It talks about my 'struggle' and everything that I have been going through regarding my sexuality, anxiety and depression and what not. Its not nearly "done" I will edit and re-edit and edit some more. Maybe I'll never send it, maybe I will just tell her out loud. This way seems nice though, because it allows me to organize my thoughts....

It was hard to know what to say. I wrote it and just had a flood of thoughts, so many that I couldnt keep them straight, I just was writing in a stream of consciousness style rather than in a very organized one....

Here's an excerpt...a very small one...so you get the idea of how long it is.

The truth is, I believe that people are judged based on the how they lead their lives, if they were good, caring people. I feel that if I can accept this, I won’t have to be so selfish, I won’t have to worry about me anymore. I can give myself to others. The church places this huge emphasis on family, on finding a life partner, someone to love. LOVE in general. Is it my fault that I don’t fit their mold of what that should be? Should I be denied the right to love someone else because I am not attracted to women? Should I be alone forever? Am I not worthy of love from another person for whom there is mutual love? My answer to all those questions is no. In my efforts to run, I convinced myself that I would never love anyone, that I didn’t want to, and that love is dead. There is no such thing as Love, I told myself. The truth is, the church doesn’t know what to do with their policy on homosexuality. They label it as wrong, and that’s that. The changes they have made, such as banning polygamy and accepting blacks into the priesthood were more than anything, political. I think in time they may change their stance on gays.

I don’t know what I am asking of you. Simply that you accept me, and love me, and not to treat me differently because of this. I am taking a huge risk by telling you this. But I know you’ve ‘worried’ about this issue regarding me. Now at least you know. I know this will take time to digest. I would simply ask that when you see me you don’t judge me. That you don’t feel disgusted by me. That maybe one day if I ever have a significant other you would welcome him to the family just as warmly as you welcome everyone else.

Thats the idea. I will write another one for my dad separately. I have very different relationships with both of my parents and so I cannot just write a "one-size-fits-all" letter. I think its better that way. My parents have different approaches to life. My dad for instance doesnt go to church so I dont think the religious part would bother him so much. I think more than anything it would be social stigma.... but he is also pretty open minded so he might get over it faster than my mom... that would be ironic for me, since I am closer with my mom than my dad.

Anyhow. Any thoughts on that little excerpt? Its not much compared to what I wrote... but I feel like if I showed the whole thing to the world I would be betraying its importance. Maybe thats a weird sentiment. Oh well. Thats all you get to see! :-P

Anxiety. Ansiedad. Angst. Bezorgdheid. Inquiétude.

One word, five languages, for how I feel. I hate feeling this way... yet this blog is a huge catharsis that I need. I am blaring classical music. Chopin, Polonaise. Opera now...Andrea Bocelli. I realize I don't make much sense, but at the current time I dont know what exactly I am feeling except for inner turmoil. I dont know what brought it on.

Its like someone has a tight grip on your ribcage and you cant breathe. You breathe through a straw. Or you have your face stuffed into a pillow. I feel uneasy and unrestful. Tired.

I am living day to day, and even that is becoming difficult. Its hard to pretend like everything is fine, when its not. All I want is some peace, I just have no clue how to get it anymore. I dont know how to stop being afraid. I am afraid of everything. And yet I have everything going for me. I am smart enough to tackle anything I want, if I just try hard enough. I have good enough looks that I could find people to be with. I am caring, and good to those around me. I am not a jerk. I dont have to worry about finances. I have a supportive family. Yet I feel like I have a hole inside of me. I feel like I am losing everything, control, religion, family, life.

I feel sad because it SEEMS like many Gay Mormons still feel like God loves them no matter what, or maybe that the church is just not completely right. Or something. I feel like I've lost all of that. Everything that was once solid in my life has turned into mush. I question every belief I've ever had. I feel like, well if one thing is wrong, maybe everything I've ever thought or felt is wrong. I feel so insecure. Back when I had zero sexual drives (because I would repress them) I just walked around and gave myself to my friends, and that was great. I feel selfish for wanting something that is supposedly so wrong. I feel stupid for 'allowing' this to happen. I LET myself fall for the guy here at school. I still have feelings for him. How could I be so stupid. Maybe if I didn't allow myself admit my feelings to him and myself, I wouldn't be in this position now.

Maybe

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	5.8
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	4.2
Friends/Family:	6.2
Love:	2.1
Finance:	5.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Apparently I am lacking in "love" and "spirit". There's a bloody surprise. lol.... and its true. I am lacking in both now. There was only one question that stumped me: "Do you believe things happen for a reason?" I used to. Now I am not so sure anymore. Now sometimes I think shi* just happens. I dont know. I think maybe it does happen for a reason. So I answered yes. But why did my friend's mom get uterine cancer? why was I born into a mormon family and then turn out to be attracted to men? why was there a tsunami? Is there a reason for that... or does it just happen because life sucks?

Religion & Violence

Iraq. What a mess. I usually dont get political, but I will, today.

Here's a headline from the Associated Press, for today:

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Gunmen shot dead 47 civilians and left their bodies in a ditch near Baghdad Thursday as militia battles and sectarian reprisals followed the bombing of a sacred Shiite shrine. Sunni Arabs suspended their participation in talks on a new government. At least 47 other bodies were found scattered across Iraq, many of them shot execution-style and dumped in Shiite-dominated parts of Baghdad.

Well isnt this lovely. I must say, for all the good religion does for the individual, it seems to do 5 or 10 times more damage to the group. Yes, you say its all about the religions being misconstrued. Yes, in Iraq its about sectarian differences. Shi'a vs. Sunni. But supposedly the end of the world will come one of these days, not too far off, so we hear. And its going to be more violence. And yeah, all the "bad" people will be scourged from the earth. In a bloodbath. And then it should be perfect. Well, my question is why would God, who is perfect, use violence against those he loves? Violence is okay in contexts X, Y and Z, but not in A, B and C. It doesnt make sense.

Its ugly, all of this. We look at the world today and we see it divided up. Jew vs. Muslim vs. Christian vs. Hindu vs. Buddhist. Why should it be this way. Why IS it this way? Its because we assume that "we" are the only right ones. Islam assumes Allah is supreme. The Christians preach of Jesus' return, his earth life and crucifixion- these are the only truths, according to these religions. Mormonism has, in its very young history remained a peaceful religion, (except for at the beginning....). But it too has its martyrs.... Again, we assume our way is the right way. "I know the church is true," we say every testimony meeting. There could be no other possible way. And this is not only in Mormonism, but again, any other religion. And so when the doctrines, agendas and politics conflict, so to do our bodies. We end up with millions dead, maimed, tortured, in the name of something that claims to be perfect, and right. How is it possible for people to get it so wrong?

Maybe we should open our eyes and realize that we actually do share the world with others. Maybe we are all wrong about our religions. Maybe we should realize that Jesus was called the Prince of Peace for a reason. Maybe peace is the only righteous way to go.

"I like your Chirst, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi

I think this quote to be true for any other religion as well. For Muslims, its Muhammad or Ali... for Jews its the Prophets of old. All with good intentions, gone completely awry. It's time for the world to stand up and realize that we are destroying each other. We've been through this so many times. History repeats itself. When will we learn that violence and destruction in the name of religion is as good as burning all the meaning that these religions have? Put away your guns, knives and bombs. Jesus said to turn the other cheek.

The fundamentalist christian movement in the U.S. is not preaching peace. Fred Phelps is not peaceful. Neither are the other ministries who teach that christianity is the only way. A look in history confirms that every great (major) religion has violence in its past- skeletons in the closet, in my eyes. Catholics. Protestants. Muslims. Jews. Mormons. Hindus. When will people wake up? Stop trying to convert each other, to CHANGE people. When will people just be. Just accept others' religions. When will religion be left alone to be what it should be: peaceful, loving, merciful. Why cant the world get it right?

Four

Apparently Doktor2Be tagged me to do this little traveling meme...whatever a meme is, I am not sure. I call it a chain letter / survey thing. lol. Could you believe I go to a top 50 university? I am not as dumb as I sound, I promise.

Here are four items for each category:

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life:
- Intern at a large non-profit org.
- Journalist for the University paper
- Mowing lawns
- uh..... Yeah. Really I've only had two... I only mowed the lawn for pay for my parents. LOL.

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
- French Kiss
- Clueless
- The Interpreter
- Never Been Kissed or Ever After... I cant decide.

Four Places I've Lived:
- I've only lived in two... and I am afraid to say where the other one is... One of them is a very distinct (cool) place that is not in the United States...its not western.
- Washington D.C.

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
- ER
- Simpsons
- Will and Grace
- CNN, lol. (gotta stay updated on world events!!)

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
-London
-Aruba
-Italy
-Greece

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
-My blog
-bmwusa.com
-germancarfans.com
-expedia.com

Four Favorite Foods:
-Chinese- Szechwan string beans
-Thai- Pad Prik king
-Indian- Butter Chicken
-Middle Eastern- Anything

Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
-India - Delhi, Bombay, Taj Mahal
-Japan - Tokyo, Osaka, Mt. Fuji...
-Bali - why wouldnt you want to go there? Gorgeous. Hello?
-China- Hong Kong, the great wall......among many, many, many others.

Four People I am Tagging with this Meme:
GayMormon
Foxx
Gaysofmylife
HawaiiDave

How am I feeling?

Tired, is my answer to that question. I dont understand why I can't just be okay with it. There is no rule that says I have to act on anything. But why cant I just be okay. Why can't I let myself feel? Its like now I have completely shut myself off. I feel attracted to almost no one....even then its just like. Oh. he's cute. The sparkle is all gone. Sometimes I have nice delusional thoughts like, oh maybe this is a miracle, maybe I am changing to straightness somehow. Stupid. It's not a miracle. Its depression... depressed people have no sex drive. But I feel like its been worse. When I still was "straight" to myself, I didnt have these problems. I just noticed the guys and that was it. It didnt mean anything I didnt want it to mean. Now its a whole different ball game (no pun intended), and I dont know why I am not normal in this. I feel like running away. Somewhere far. I've always wanted to go to India. I think that woud be beautiful. I desire companionship. With someone. A girl beacause thats what everyone else does. A guy because I think they are attractive, and because I can have it all, the personality and the attraction. But girls, guys...everyone is so full of baggage. My sister asked me if I ever really felt the urge to kiss a girl, if I ever felt tingly around a girl. No, not really I said. So why is this so difficult. Why can I not believe it? Do I need to go out there and find some girl to hook up with when I can tell you now that I have little if any desire to try anything out with a girl? Even dancing up on a girl in a way that is provocative makes me just laugh. These guys get all worked up over some girls' ass being pushed up into their crotch while dancing. I am always running away from that, and no there is never a passing thought of 'this is nice'.

Maybe I am still hung up on someone...the guy who I go to school with. Too bad he is out of the country studying abroad. I miss his presence. I miss his eyes that are honest and the lightest blue grey that I've ever seen. Like ice. Like the clouds that swirl in the sky during a storm. I miss his phone calls and his voice, and the fact that he is a coffee addict and I get to yell at him about that. Maybe my problem is that I cant think of any one else really, but him. I think of him every day. And I wish I could just hug him, have him embrace me. And maybe then I'd be okay again.

what. is. wrong. with. me.?

Today....

Today I went to the mall, only to run into my younger brother who is still in high school, with one of his friends. My brother looks up to me in 2 things: my academic achievements and my sense of style (ha, go figure.) Anyways, today he was bragging to his friend saying, 'my brother is so cool, he always looks good..." and his friend said something to the effect that such behavior is either 'gay' or 'stupid' or 'girly' .... I couldnt hear his friend. But then my brother stopped in his tracks and said, "my brother isnt gay, man." And I half frowned, half smiled to myself.

It made me feel sad that my younger bro thinks its a bad thing. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised, he is still in high school, where everything bad is 'gay'. It just reminds me how much I hate that kind of mentality. And it saddens me because I am not close with him, and I don't want him to really be upset, withdrawn or disgusted when he finds out. I've voiced this worry to a lot of my friends and my family, but they all tell me not to worry. What can I do? Try to draw closer to him so when the time comes for me to tell him, he may be less reactive? I dunno.... argh.

__________________________

In other news, I got a fantastic massage today, including minty body oils and lotions. And hot stones on my feet and back. It was very awesome. I also bought a pair of Seven A-Pocket jeans for a very good price...ok, just kidding...they were cheap cuz I exchanged them for a pair of jeans that I got for christmas that were too big...hahahaha. What better way to make yourself feel better than to indulge? lol...actually I indulged before I felt bad....so it evens out. :)